by Beth Shriver
“Lucy.” Manny’s voice instantly stopped her feelings of disgrace, even if it was just for a moment, but she couldn’t meet his eyes. Not after everything that had gone through her mind.
“I’m so sorry.”
She nodded and stood up from off the stretcher. Then Frieda stepped forward and wrapped her in an embrace. As she closed her eyes, she felt more arms surround her. Rosy’s touch was butterfly-light next to Nellie’s bear hug. One by one, they pulled away, their warm bodies leaving a chill that penetrated deeper into her core than the heat all around them.
“You’re going to be all right, Luce.” Frieda bent over as far as her rickety, worn-out body would let her.
Nellie came closer and lifted Lucy’s head with a single finger under her chin. “Look at me. I’m here for you. All of us are. We won’t leave your side, darling. We’re all right here for as long as you need us.”
They were clearly filled with emotion. Rosy could only hug Lucy, unable to speak. Frieda finally took Rosy away so she could stop hiccupping, her usual reaction to anxiety.
Lucy sat back down, and Manny squatted in front of her. “Lucy, what do you need right now?” His eyes glistened, especially the blue one, reflecting the small fires that lingered behind her.
She shrugged. “I can’t think . . . ” She held her belly, causing him to look down as well.
“Then I’ll tell you. You’re going to the hospital. They’ve taken in those who were in a bad way, and now they’re taking some who they suspect were affected by the smoke.” He squeezed her hand, giving her warm shivers. “Do you want me to go with you?”
She was unable to look him in the face after the emotional turmoil she’d just felt about him moments ago. It felt right but was so wrong that she had to say no. She shook her head. “You shouldn’t.” A cough racked her throat; she wanted to go and make sure the baby wasn’t affected.
“You need someone to go with you.” He moved closer. “If you’re worried about me going with you, I won’t, but after what’s happened, I would think it’s understandable with no . . . without a husband to take you.” He looked over his shoulder at Frieda consoling Rosy and at Nellie’s droopy eyes. “They may need some rest.”
“It’s just not right.” She paused, wanting to say more, explain why, but her throat was burning, and she didn’t know the right words to say. “But danke for offering.”
She wanted to ignore the rules of her upbringing and what people might say. He was the person who could care for her best, and if there wasn’t a flickering fire in her heart, she’d say yes. But she couldn’t in good conscience let him be beside her with questionable motives.
“Ma’am, the ambulance is ready to take you now.” The officer seemed to be nearby at every turn. Grateful for his assistance, she touched his arm, knowing he’d be able to answer a question she didn’t want to ask. “Where is my husband?”
The officer bent down and put his arms on his thighs. “I can take you to him at the hospital, but I need to warn you, because of your condition, it might be difficult for you to see him.”
She nodded. “But I have to. I have to see him to know what’s really happened . . . that he’s truly gone.” The way it came out, she sounded like any wife who’d just lost her spouse, but it wasn’t that way. She wanted to see that he was really gone—forever. No more looking over her shoulder or flinching at his sharp words and harsh ways. She wanted to see her deceased husband for all the wrong reasons, and nothing could stop her. She couldn’t move on if she didn’t.
The officer nodded. “I’ll escort you to the hospital.” He pointed to his police car and helped her stand.
“I can do that for her, danke.” Manny held one of her hands and wrapped his arm around her waist, something that would never be allowed in any situation but one such as this. When they got to the ambulance, they both tried to help her in.
“I’ll take it from here.” The medic glanced at Manny and then at the officer. He helped Lucy into the vehicle and strapped her in. When he went to close the back door, they were both still there waiting until she was ready to go. “We’ll see both of you at the hospital, I take it.”
“I’ll be there,” Manny promised as the paramedic grabbed the door handle.
Lucy watched the officer walk to his car and Manny stand stock still until the door shut, cutting off her view. A buggy ride would take a while for Manny to get to the hospital, but she selfishly hoped he would come. Maybe the Englischer nearby would give him a ride.
She leaned her head back against the gurney and closed her eyes. She shouldn’t be thinking about him now, of all times. What kind of a person had she become? Had her life with Sam tarnished the good in her, making her so callous she had to make sure he couldn’t come back to haunt her?
“We assumed you’d want to go to the Pomerene Hospital since it works with the Amish.” The medic checked her chart as he waited for her response while he strapped a heart monitor around her middle.
“Jah, I was there once when a friend had cancer. They’re good people.” She felt a little better already. She had no idea how much money Sam had or what to do with medical expenses, so she was glad to be going to a place that accommodated the Amish, giving the community time to gather the money to pay one another’s bills.
The medic sat back and typed on a small keyboard, keeping an eye on the monitor. “There used to be a problem with pesticides on your crops causing cancer. It seems to have gotten better now.”
“Jah, we made some changes, and many went back to some of the old ways of doing things, I hear.” Fatigue was setting in, causing her eyes to droop.
“You can rest, but it’s a drive, so no power nap.” He grinned, and that was the last thing she remembered until he shook her arm.
“Ma’am, we’re here.” He tidied up the ambulance, and as soon as the back door opened, she saw Frieda, Nellie, and Rosy with Manny, talking to a Mennonite who must have given them a ride. When Manny saw the ambulance, he finished the conversation, and they all walked closer as the medic rolled Lucy out and to the emergency entrance.
“We’ll see you inside.” Manny walked away as the ladies waved and followed him. He looked back and smiled—one gesture she hadn’t seen tonight. The thought of him there at the hospital created mixed emotions. It was a horrible night. Some were hurt, and two had lost their lives, from what she’d heard. And many others were probably being treated for burns or smoke inhalation.
This feeling of needing Manny wasn’t right, not now, maybe never. But no matter what the future held, at this moment, she was a widow, something Manny could relate to. Still, their situations were completely different. He had been with someone he truly loved. She’d had someone who made her life miserable. So where did she stand? She wasn’t sure if she was expected to be a widow mourning her husband. That felt hypocritical, and she worried she’d turn shallow.
Some of the Amish were leaving after being discharged. Others roamed the lobby, waiting to be seen, and still others were being admitted. Once in the exam room, Lucy waited for what seemed an eternity. When she let out a painful breath, the burn in her throat seemed petty compared to the condition of some she’d seen at her farm and here at the hospital.
A bustle of noise drew closer, and then Frieda came through the door with Rosy and Nellie at her heels. “Oh, Luce, you’re so pale.”
Nellie took one of the paper cups and turned
on the faucet. “How are you feeling?” She handed the cup of water to Lucy.
“I’m gut. I don’t even need to be here, taking up space when there are others who need attention.” She took a sip and coughed, sending needle pricks down her throat as she drank.
Rosy handed a tissue to Lucy. “It’s better to be safe than sorry. And it’s good to check on the baby, even though there’s not a single thing to worry about.”
The nurse came in, took Lucy’s vitals, and looked down her throat with a small flashlight. “I’ll have the doctor come and look at you, but you’re in good shape. Just some soreness, but it will pass.”
“A nice cup of warm tea with honey is all you need.”
The nurse grunted a laugh. “What you all make probably works better than what the pharmacy has downstairs.”
“Oh, I’m sure of that.” Rosy was adamant about her herbal remedies, and as far as Lucy knew, most of the time they did seem to work.
“Have you had an ultrasound?” The nurse typed the information into her small electronic device, waiting for her answer.
A shot of concern sent a chill through Lucy. “Nee, you said the babe was fine. Why do you think we need to?”
“Not at all. I just thought you might want to. Most mothers do.” She stopped typing and turned to glance at the three women with kapps on. Lucy was the only one without a kapp, having rushed out the door when the explosion happened.
“Nee, but thank you.” Lucy didn’t know what kind of a financial situation she was in but couldn’t rationalize undergoing a procedure if she didn’t have to. She thought of Sam and tried to gather the nerve to ask about him. She was hesitant because bringing up the reality that he was actually gone would stir up all kinds of emotions that she couldn’t deal with.
“Wouldn’t that be something to see the little one in Lucy’s tummy?” Rosy grinned at the thought.
Nellie shook her head. “Then we’d want to see if it’s a darling little boy or girl.”
Frieda looked over at Lucy. “We have more important things at hand, ladies.” She went over and took Lucy’s hand, seeming to know what was on her mind.
After a few long minutes the doctor walked in and pulled up a stool with wheels. “Mrs. Wagner.” He held out his hand and shook hers. “I hear your throat is bothering you.” She nodded as he flipped through the chart, wrote something, and set it down on the bed next to her. “Open for me.”
The wooden taste of the tongue depressor stayed on her tongue when she closed her mouth. Then he put the stethoscope on her belly and looked to the floor for what seemed forever.
Nellie wrung her hands. “How are they, Doctor?”
He pushed away and grabbed the silver chart. “You seem to be in good health, from all I can observe. But I’d like you to see your doctor. ” He glanced at Lucy. “Rest up and take care of that baby.” He tapped the pen on the chart and looked around the room. “Looks like you’ll be in good hands.”
“Jah, I am for sure.” Lucy smiled at the nice but rushed doctor, feeling guilty for taking up his precious time on such a busy night.
He stopped at the door and talked to the nurse about prescriptions, which Lucy didn’t think she needed. The nurse came in with forms to fill out and instructions concerning Lucy’s throat. “You’re ready to go. Just check out at the window.” She paused. “If you feel up to it, Mrs. Wagner, I can arrange a time for you to see your husband.”
Lucy shivered. “Jah, danke.” Her mind went numb, and she felt unable to speak or do anything. “What needs to be done?” It sounded cold coming out that way. Was it obvious, the way she’d said it?
“Someone needs to make an identification, but it doesn’t have to be you if you’re not comfortable.” The nurse turned to pull the paper sheets from the exam table and get ready for the next patient while Lucy tried to make a decision.
“I might wait, if that’s okay.” Lucy didn’t know what the typical procedure was, but then, nothing about their marriage was normal.
“Maybe tomorrow, when things have settled down. There are others here who can do that, if needed.” The nurse finished sanitizing the area, and Lucy slipped away, wanting to leave as quickly as possible.
She whisked past Frieda and Rosy, with Nellie looking on. She’d had enough, couldn’t function anymore. The baby kicked when she stood still, watching Manny pacing across the waiting area. For whatever reason, she felt better just watching him roam the room from side to side, not having seen her yet. When he did, his dark eye caught hers and lightened against the fluorescent lights, but he didn’t move.
Lucy took slow steps to the closest chair while Nellie, Rosy, and Frieda went to the admissions and checkout counter.
Manny sat next to her. “What did the doctor say?”
“Everything is fine.” She twirled her hair self-consciously when she remembered she didn’t have her kapp. She wanted to say much more, and probably would have, if they weren’t sitting in a room full of strangers.
“That’s gut, Lucy.” He leaned over and put his elbows on his knees. “I’m so sorry.” He looked at her.
“I don’t have the courage to go down to that morgue.” She looked away and then back to him. “Does that make me a bad person?”
“Nee, it means you’ll do what you need to when you’re able. No one knows when that is, only you.” He sat back and offered his hand. Proper or not, she needed him. “I have a driver whenever you’re ready to go. Where are you going?”
“To Frieda’s, but not for long because I need to tend to the farm.” It seemed nothing stopped on a farm—especially one as large as theirs.
“I can help with that. Stay at Frieda’s for as long as you want to.” He leaned back but kept his eyes on her. “That’s something you don’t need to worry about—especially with the damage and cleanup that will be going on. It’s best you stay away until it’s safe.”
“Danke, Manny. You don’t know how much that means to me.” And as she looked into his eyes, Lucy felt a huge burden slowly slip away.
Lucy woke up slowly, feeling an exhaustion she hadn’t known in a long time. Then she remembered. The fire. Sam. Even though her bed was warm, she shivered. She would have to go back to the morgue today and see him one last time. Perhaps Frieda or Mamm would go, and she could stay curled up in her new nest.
She sighed and flung the covers off. Nee, it was her responsibility, and she’d never shirked her duty before. She’d see this through too. The smell of bacon tickled her nose and made her mouth water. It felt strange not to be in her own haus. Not that she missed the farm. It comforted her to know Manny was watching over things there, but she couldn’t expect him to do it for more than a few days. He had his own place to care for.
Sitting on the bed, she gathered the energy to put her feet on the wood floor and pulled her dress on. She noticed the calm that came over her when she realized she wouldn’t be chastised or told she was ignorant, lazy, or dumb. There were times Sam would scold her for doing something that he’d asked her to do or tell her she’d done the task wrong. Every corner she turned seemed to be a dead end.
She walked down the hall to the room where Mamm had slept last night. She opened the door slightly to see her fast asleep and then left it cracked open in case she needed assistance. She had been discharged from the hospital in exchange for the promise that she would get a lot of rest.
The
familiar creak on the stairs made her smile. This place was her refuge, and she relished it. There couldn’t possibly be a better place for her to be than right there, right now.
When she stepped into the kitchen, each of the three women was at her own work station. Nellie cut up the ham, her hips swaying with the rhythm of her chopping. Frieda scrambled fluffy eggs to perfection, and Rosy pinched a little of this and that into a boiling pot, making some herbal remedy. The smells mixed together into a plethora of mouthwatering gut eats.
“Morning. How can I help?” She walked past Frieda, picked up a piece of ham, and stuck it in her mouth. It went down hard, a reminder that her throat still needed time to heal.
Frieda gave her a one-armed hug, careful not to use her messy hands. “How did you sleep?”
“Wonderbar.” She stopped her thoughts, feeling guilty for indulging in a good, long night of sleep when such a tragedy had brought her there. “Mamm is still sleeping, so she must have slept well too.”
“I’m glad you’re both here.” Nellie brought over a plate of steaming eggs and toast with a sprinkle of ham. Then she sat next to Lucy with a plate of her own. “Come on, ladies, the food’s getting cold.”
Rosy brought two mugs of tea and then went to get two more. “This will calm the nerves. I don’t know about all of you, but I’m still jittery.” Rosy was always at least a little nervous it seemed.
The stairs creaked, and Mamm soon came through the door. Lucy had never seen her in such disarray. Her hair was plastered on her neck, and her pajamas were beyond wrinkled, as if she’d slept in a knot. Her usual cutting eyes drooped with dark circles underneath.
