by Beth Shriver
Emma put a hand on his. “Go on. I’ll take care of this.” She shooed him away and glanced at Caleb. “I’ll be back before dinner. Manny, you’re welcome to come over and eat with us. You’ll be tired and hungry after you’re done here.” She put the rest of the utensils in a plastic bag and put them in her basket.
“You don’t have to twist my arm.”
Emma waved and got into the buggy, turned around, and went down the dirt path from Sam’s haus. Manny put on his work gloves and started hauling charred beams and siding over to a pit they would use to burn the useless wood.
Caleb got the fire going, just big enough to do the job, and gave Manny a hand with the larger pieces. After about an hour, they decided to take a break and got out their water bottles, drinking to cool their parched throats.
Just as they were finishing up, a buggy that was starting to look familiar to Manny came down the lane. He pulled off his dirty gloves and tucked them into his pants, took off his straw hat, and ran a hand through his hair.
“You’re primping like a girl.” Caleb smiled over at him. “I take it that’s Lucy.”
Manny tried to ignore Caleb’s remarks by keeping his eyes on the dirt road. “Hello.” Manny took the horse’s reins and then went to help her out of the buggy.
“Manny, Caleb, how’s it going?” Her gaze wandered from what was left of the silo to the leveled haus that she had called her own for nearly two years’ time. He thought he saw her eyes water, but she moved past him quickly enough that he couldn’t tell for sure.
Caleb pointed to the haus. “We’re almost done here. Once they get rid of what’s left of the cement, we should be finished.”
Manny tried a softer touch, wishing Caleb had been less direct. “How are you and the baby?”
“She’s not kicking so much.” Her face was strained and her forehead drawn.
“Maybe she’s tired today.” Manny wondered if that was a fool thing to say. He had enough experience from his cousins going through a dozen babies or more, but it still felt a little awkward to talk about with Lucy.
Her head lifted, and she stared at him. “Maybe so. It’s a tight fit in there now too.” She rubbed her belly and almost smiled at him, realizing she’d started thinking of the baby as a girl. What he’d said must have put her at ease.
“I brought you something to eat.” She pulled a basket out of the buggy and plopped it on to the picnic table, which was getting good use.
Caleb glanced at Manny with a grin and then at Lucy. “Emma’s coming down the road right now to pick me up for dinner. Thanks, though.” He brushed himself off and started down the road, looking back once with a smile at Manny.
Manny was still full from lunch but couldn’t say no to Lucy.
Lucy walked behind what was left of the barn, avoiding the chunks that looked like charcoal covering the ground around her. She found a tree stump—the only section of wood that wasn’t torched.
The fields were half burnt; the rest wouldn’t be enough to bother with. It would be the first year she’d ever had without a harvest. A strange and lonesome feeling came over her. This had become her hideaway, a place where she could disappear, at least for a while. Sam had never looked for her once the chores were done and his belly filled. She’d spend hours reading the Bible and books that some of the Amish bought from the local store, the ones that she wouldn’t have to be ashamed of if the bishop found out about them. Sometimes she’d sit and watch the sun rise and glory in God’s creation. And she felt safe, at least for a little while.
“Lucy.” Manny’s voice startled her back into reality, something she often did when Sam’s boots would clunk down the cement floor of the barn. The noise gave her a minute to scatter to another area so he wouldn’t know where she spent her quiet time. Lucy would poke her head out of one of the stalls and greet him in a casual way so he wouldn’t suspect anything. A couple of times, he’d look past her into the stall but never said anything. She wondered what he’d do if he found out she’d spent hours there, reading and praying. Maybe he knew all along but didn’t care enough to find out how she spent her time as long as she made his meals. She quickly stood and came through the stall. Manny was right in front of her. “Is it time?”
“Jah, are you ready for this?” He stared into her eyes, waiting for her answer.
“Are you ever ready for something like this?” She’d already put it off a couple of days. No more excuses. She should have gone to the morgue first thing, but after bringing Manny a bite to eat, she couldn’t pass up his offer to take her once he finished up at her farm.
“I suppose not. It’s one of those things that you’re glad you did, once it’s over.” He looked down at his dark pants and blue shirt. “I tried to wash up a little. I did the best I could.”
“You look fine.” She gave him a small smile.
There was nothing she wanted more than for this to be over. It would bring back a lot of pain and sadness, not like typical mourning. With Sam, it was mental anguish that grabbed her from the beginning of every day until she laid her head down each night. She would not have the emotions people commonly have when one of their family members has died. For Lucy, it would be a sense of freedom, a long-awaited release from the prison that held her captive.
Manny helped her up and into the buggy, and as he walked around to the other side, she thought of how much she was coming to depend on him. He was the last to offer, but the first one she accepted to take her into town. She could use the excuse that all the others who might have taken her were women who could drive a buggy just as well as most men, but she felt better going into town with a man. There were times when the locals made her a bit uncomfortable, staring or teasing about her clothes or form of transportation. And Lucy knew she was more reclusive than was healthy. It came from pressure Sam created, but also she wasn’t comfortable leaving the farm except to visit Frieda.
Before she knew it, the pleasant drive had ended, and they were at the edge of the growing township. “Lucy.” Manny’s tone was soft as velvet, pulling her out of the circles racing in her head. “What’s on your mind?”
“I guess you could say I’m not too comfortable going into town.” She looked both ways, watching the sidewalks full of people walking past too many stores for her to count. The town of Lititz had become a popular tourist site and was often congested, especially on the weekends.
“No worries. I come down often for supplies. You get used to it after a while.” He turned to her with a confidence she couldn’t imagine feeling in the bustle of the busy town. The brick chocolate factory sported a huge banner celebrating their hundredth anniversary. Tourists carried bags full of Amish trinkets and asked them for a photograph, which was against Amish culture. Lucy wondered why there was such fascination with her people but didn’t bother to ask when a young girl waved her camera as they rode by and snapped a picture just in time to capture Lucy’s face.
“It can be an irritation at times. Sorry.” Manny put a hand on hers and then pulled away.
“How much farther?” Lucy had had enough, and they were only halfway through town.
When they arrived, Lucy’s stomach flipped. She hurried out of the buggy, accepting Manny’s assistance, and walked into a new wing of the hospital. She filled out a form, and Lucy gave the clerk her birth certificate for identification. That’s when her chest started to flutter. This place and what she was there for, plus all the
people, made her heart pound.
Manny guided her along. “How about some water?” He pulled her aside to a water fountain and kept hold of her arm.
The cool water gave her some relief, as did his touch against her arm. “Danke.”
“Better?” He smiled, studying her face. “Are you sure you’re up to this?” His concern seemed to be in sync with her to the point she felt he knew everything she was feeling and going through. But of course, he’d endured this with Glenda not much more than a year ago. How selfish of her not to think of his emotions at such a time.
“You don’t need to go any farther.” She couldn’t let him. Not after being so insensitive to the grief that was probably fresh in his heart.
He pursed his lips. “You’ll be all right?” He gave her a sideways glance as if not believing her.
“Jah, I want to do this alone.” That was a lie; she wanted him there more than anything, not only because he understood, but also just because it was Manny.
“Okay, then, take your time. We’re not in a hurry.” He pointed to a gray plastic chair. “I’ll be right here.”
Lucy wanted to grab his hand and pull him into the cold steel room she was about to enter, but she resisted. She had been selfish enough. She closed her eyes and whispered a prayer for strength before walking into the room.
The attendant greeted her. “This way.” He walked past what looked like large drawers. The chill in the air fit the quiet, colorless room, which smelled of sanitizer. He slowed by one of the pale gray metal drawers, pulled out a clipboard, checked the numbers, and pulled open the drawer. He pulled down the sheet and turned to her. “Mrs. Wagner, I’ll give you a few minutes.” He stepped away.
Lucy held a hand up. “Will you stay for a moment?” She didn’t know whether she could do this, didn’t want to, but it was her last duty as wife to this man. The cold chilled her heart and mind into a place of submission, a feeling she knew too well. She would never again allow a man she didn’t love to be in her life. She’d most likely be a widow for the rest of her days. It didn’t matter.
The attendant, his eyebrows raised, hadn’t moved and looked firmly into her eyes. “Do you want me to take you out, ma’am?”
Lucy shook her head. She wanted Manny in there now. She was foolish to be so proud as to leave him in the waiting area. But she didn’t want the attendant to leave her there alone. “Can I . . . ?” She covered her arms due to the cold or maybe her nerves, probably both. “Bring in—?”
He cut her off. “Your friend. I’ll get him for you.” With that he turned on his heel and headed for the door, leaving her alone.
She panicked and glanced down at Sam. Anxiety overtook her as she tried to suck in air. His naked body, covered with blisters, black, charred down to his waist, seemed small and insignificant. There was no longer anything to fear from this man. The apprehension she’d once felt when seeing him was sifting away by slow degrees.
A soft touch to her shoulder made her shudder. She turned to see Manny standing behind her. “I’m ready to go.” She instinctively took Manny’s hand and led him out of the sterile room and out the front door. Once outside she stopped and took in the fresh air and sunshine.
Adrenaline rushed through her, filling her with strength and a sense of liberation she’d never felt before. The experience had been awful, but she needed to know Sam was really gone.
Manny gave her a questioning look.
“I’m fine. I really am. Danke for coming in when you did. It just hit me wrong, seeing him that way, but it’s okay. I’m okay.” Lucy realized how fast she was rambling on and lifted her eyes to Manny’s.
He smiled a half-grin with his head cocked to one side. “I’ve never heard you say so much at one time.” His smile widened. “I didn’t expect you to be sad, but not this, either.”
“It probably isn’t respectful of me, but no one can judge me. No one knows what I’ve been through.” As soon as she said it out loud, she wanted to take it back. That was too much to tell anyone, especially Manny. The others couldn’t understand what she’d been through and didn’t need to know. It was over, and that was all that mattered.
“I’m not judging you, Lucy.” He looked straight at her. “And I do have some idea of what you’ve been through.”
Staring at him in that moment, Lucy felt vulnerable. For some reason she felt he did understand, but that brought her no comfort. She didn’t want someone around who felt sorry for her or wondered why things happened the way they did or questioned her doing or not doing something in the situation.
She shook her head, with all the thoughts rushing through her mind. “I know. I didn’t mean you. I know you wouldn’t judge.” She looked down at her black boots. “I don’t think you’d ever do anything to hurt me, Manny.” The tears welled up, and she felt the urge to push them away. Sam would scold her when she got emotional, so she’d learned to keep them at bay. She looked up to see Manny’s face consumed with concern, his eyes wide and lips parted as if he wanted to speak but could not find words.
She paused for a moment, waiting for him to break the silence. She could almost feel his affection for her, but not enough to take the chance she might be wrong. Besides, she couldn’t be carrying on about him when her husband had just passed. Later today Sam’s body would be taken to her mammi’s home, and visitors would come to pay their respects. The funeral tomorrow would last all day long as she received food and guests. Thank goodness she’d have her mamm, mammi, Rosy, and Nellie there with her. A little voice in her head told her who she wanted there the most, but it was so wrong that she shoved it from her mind.
“Danke for bringing me, Manny.” She took slow steps to the buggy with him close behind.
“It seemed only right to take you. I can walk back home.” Lucy was amazed at how much comfort she felt sitting next to him.
“Luce?” Manny stared at her, waiting for a reply.
If he only knew my thoughts.
Her face heated just thinking about it, the silliness of it . . . it circled around in her head. He was a nice man who understood what she’d gone through. That was all there was to it.
“You called me Luce.” She smiled. It was nice and made her feel a little better.
“Jah. I guess I did. Your mammi calls you that.”
“She knows it will get my attention.”
“It worked for me.” He studied her for a moment. “Are you ready to go or is there something else you need to do?”
“Nee, I should get back and start preparations for tomorrow.”
“Okay, then, let me help you.” He assisted her into the buggy, and they started for home.
She didn’t even want to think about it yet—all the work to get ready, and people coming in and out all day long as she stood and accepted condolences for a man she was glad to put to rest. What a horrible person she was, and an even worse wife. She must be, for the Lord to give her such a horrible man as a husband. But she had paid her penance now, put up with the words, so many harsh things said. Lucy wondered whether she would ever rid herself of Sam’s voice.
“Hey there. I’m losing you again.” Manny’s soft voice was barely audible, but enough to bring her back into the moment. “Are you all right?”
“Nee, I’m tired. So very tired.” She sighed and wished she could sprawl out and rest. The baby felt so tight in her belly, she wondered whether it would be
sooner than the midwife had told her. Everything seemed like more of an effort.
“Lucy, get comfortable on the bench seat. “You’re exhausted. I can see it in your eyes. Understandably, you’ve had a stressful day.” He looked down at her belly. “And you’re working twice as hard.” He smiled.
“She does take a lot out of me these days. Seems she’s growing faster than ever.” Sometimes, Lucy wondered whether there were two little ones in there. Not having an ultrasound or regular checkups meant anything could be going on, and she wouldn’t know until she delivered. She closed her eyes and rested her head against the side of the buggy, letting the sound of the horse’s hooves hitting the street lull her into a restless sleep.
The next morning the crunch of wagon wheels over the pebbled dirt made Lucy open her eyes. Deep in prayer, she’d been unaware of her surroundings. She needed to confess, ask countless questions, and plead for direction. But honestly it was strength she needed more than anything—strength for the baby and for her own health—to make it through this day.
She walked downstairs and watched Manny and Caleb unload the six-sided coffin and then the “rough coffin,” the outer wooden structure that the coffin was lowered into before the whole thing went into the open grave.
“Danke.” She motioned with one hand toward the funeral director. His reply was only a nod, which Lucy appreciated, as she didn’t have the energy to say a single word more.
Manny eyed her as they took the wooden box into the great room of Frieda’s haus. She had taken full advantage of her mammi’s haus, for which she would always be grateful. Going through these events without Mammi would have been unimaginable. Lucy felt sure she would go back to where her extended family lived at some point, but after all she’d been through, this felt more and more like her own haus.
