by Beth Shriver
She mumbled to herself, not daring to look in his eyes and let him see the gratitude she felt for him. “I’m glad you did.”
The tears started to rise when she thought of him, but she quickly brushed them away so Manny wouldn’t see. She didn’t want to seem vulnerable and dependent on him. She knew she didn’t ever want to be that way again.
“It’s not a choice. I know you care for me in the same way I do for you.” His voice wavered. He stuck his thumbs in his suspenders and stared at her as if he’d lost his words.
“Your feelings could change.” Her insecurities came tumbling out, building a wall brick by brick. She rubbed her belly, thinking of her future, and closed her eyes, wishing Manny wasn’t there with her at that moment to see this side of her she didn’t understand.
“No, they won’t change.” Manny planted his feet and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not Sam, Lucy. I won’t ever leave you or mistreat you. And I would never, ever hurt you.”
She looked away, ashamed. Manny had known her feelings even without her telling him. But her life hadn’t been exactly how he thought. “He never touched me, but he beat me with his words.” After looking into Manny’s eyes, she knew he was up against more than he should be. That was it. She didn’t want to show him the other side of her. She’d lived with it for far too long to expect those insecurities to just go away. Maybe this was all too soon; maybe she wasn’t ready to be married. But how selfish would that be, to have two children with no husband when there was a man like Manny who loved them even before they were born?
“You look tired, Lucy. Burning the candle at both ends is hard on me, so I can’t imagine the toll it’s taking on you while carrying two babes. Why do you keep going and doing? What’s driving you?”
She sat down hard on a bench her daed had made, and that made her sad for a moment. Then she started thinking about what he would say to her if he were there. She knew what he’d tell her, but she didn’t want to hear it from her daed, even though she knew he would be right.
“I guess I thought that during this time with Sam gone, that I was adjusted to his death and ready to start over.” She glanced over at Manny. He had his arms crossed and looked at her unwaveringly, being the usual helpful, kind man she knew him to be.
She dared herself to look at him when she spoke—he deserved that—and when she did, his blue eye twinkled against the sun but his brown eye seemed to morph into the darkness that was creeping in around them. “I know I need to start something new to get out of the old. The ghosts from that time with Sam have taken their toll on me.”
His brow unfolded, and he nodded a little, letting out a sigh. “If it’s time you need, so be it.”
“Nee, that’s not what I meant. It just might take longer than I thought. Please be patient.” She stood and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
With that, he pivoted, headed out the door, and started down the path leading away from her. Part of her felt relief, but she also wanted to run down the road and bring him back. She didn’t understand herself, so how could she expect Manny to?
She didn’t dare try to talk with him until whatever was ailing her was taken care of and she was in a decent mood. She wondered whether the two little ones could be causing all this trouble and whether it had changed her permanently.
She stepped outside to watch Manny continue to walk until he was out of sight, all the while wishing she could better control her thoughts and actions. Knowing she couldn’t on her own, Lucy sat down on the porch swing and bowed her head in prayer. She hadn’t talked to Gott much lately—something she used to do faithfully. “Gott, what’s happening to me? Help me find the way,” she whispered, and opened her eyes to see her mamm looking down at her.
“Have you forgotten I’m leaving tomorrow?” Her mamm looked honestly disappointed that she had forgotten, but Lucy felt even worse.
What is wrong with me?
She couldn’t blame all of this on her situation. Who better to ask than Gott? Now she could only wait and listen to His call.
“I’m sorry, Mamm. I’ve got a lot on my mind. But that’s no excuse.” She sighed. “I wish I could go.” She looked down at the ball of a belly that seemed to grow bigger each day and realized how scared she was. But she brushed away the fear as quickly as it came.
“Well, you must come and see us. Very soon, once you and the babies are up for the ride. These buses would be a good way for all of you to travel. The drive isn’t bad at all.” Verna smiled like the cat that swallowed the canary.
“Why are you smiling?” Lucy was in no mood for games. Her mamm obviously had news to tell, so she waited with patience she didn’t have.
“A mother wants to see her children happy in marriage. It’s not hard to see how much Manny cares for you. I’m happy that you two have plans.” Her mamm’s voice was unusually soft, and she paused long enough that Lucy knew she was expecting more information.
“Jah, it’s not been said openly, but it’s been heading that way.” That was all she could say at the moment. After all, this was about her and Manny. She prayed for strength, wishing she’d done so more often, and decided to change the subject with a question. “Will the men be cutting up hay bundles soon?”
Her mamm sighed and nodded. “I guess you have the right to keep your plans secret. But since I’m leaving tomorrow, I’d like to know what to expect. And you know your mother well enough to be prepared for me to give my opinion, take it or leave it. I’ll always have something to say about you and now these two, hopefully all four of you, if you can hold on to the most wonderful young man in the community.”
“Mamm, as soon as I know, I’ll tell you. Until then, let me work things out, and I promise to tell you when the time is right.” The instant she stopped talking, she realized she sounded much like her mother and gasped quietly. Since when did she tell her mamm what she needed instead of her mamm telling her?
Verna gave her a sideways glance. “I know what you’re feeling right now, and believe me, it will pass. Don’t make any decisions just yet. Get things steady in your heart, mind, and soul, and things will go better for you.”
Lucy felt like crying, so different from the anger and frustration she’d felt for days, but she believed her mamm was right. Time would help and give her the right answers when she needed them most.
“Ach, Mamm, what will I do without you?” Lucy tipped her head to one side.
“Well, it will be hard, but you’ll be in good hands.” They both chuckled, and Lucy looked over to the last quilt they had been working on. “There’s a lot of living in that quilt.” Mamm glanced over to where Lucy was looking. “Should we finish it before I leave?”
Lucy didn’t know how they possibly could, but she agreed. She walked over and grabbed some large colored patches and sat down. The chair creaked and wobbled. The thimble was made of wood instead of metal, and she broke a needle when she tried to stick it in the pin holder.
Her mamm clucked her tongue. “A broken needle is bad luck.”
Lucy sighed. If things didn’t start getting better, she didn’t know what she would do.
The next morning, Lucy found herself a little sad. She and her mamm had come full circle since she had first arrived to visit. Saying good-bye would be much harder than she would have thought when Mamm first came.
Lucy decided it was time to get up, but doing so became more difficult
with each day. She rolled to one side and then the other and slid down onto the wood floor. As she got dressed, she heard a buggy driving up. She peered out the window to see the same young man who had brought Mamm walking up to the haus. She hustled to finish getting ready and took careful steps down the stairs.
“Mamm, are you leaving already?” Lucy’s breathing was heavy as she tried to speak, and her emotions were flaring up again. She didn’t expect it with her mamm.
“Jah, I guess so.” She pointed to her bags. “Both of those are mine.” She gave the young man a small smile as he grabbed them both and headed out the door.
“I’m going to miss you, Mamm.” Lucy’s throat constricted, and she tried to swallow. The trials had brought them together in a way only God could create.
Mamm moved forward and put her cheek next to Lucy’s, and then looked her in the eyes. “Don’t let him go, Lucy. He’s a good man.” She put a hand on Lucy’s belly and smiled. “I wish I could be here.” She pursed her lips and walked to the buggy without looking back—so typical of her—but as the buggy pulled away, Lucy saw Mamm wipe away a tear.
Manny stood in the barn separating milk. The cream forced its way to the top and ran into the spigot. He cranked the handle, making the bell ding, a noise that didn’t usually bother him in the least, but today it pierced his eardrums. Whatever was going through his head was a mystery to him.
He’d done every possible thing he could think of to court Lucy without courting her, due to her situation. After his talk with Bishop Atlee, he’d felt confused about following the plans he’d made, but now he just missed her. When he saw Lucy at church, she seemed to be having the same thoughts. He tried to think things through to have an excuse to spend more time together, but though they’d agreed on courting the way the teenagers did, it didn’t help much. He hoped that with Verna gone, she’d be more relaxed and lean on him a bit more. But she had the “girls” and her sister for support.
Manny held his head up to the sun, closed his eyes, and let the air flow out of his lungs. This was God’s country, a place where the Amish settled centuries ago—good, solid soil, rich with minerals for crops, a perfect place to raise a family. He and Glenda had never gotten that far. They lost their child during childbirth, and months later she was gone too.
He dropped his head in thought and kicked a clod of dirt, watching it fall apart in front of him. He hadn’t given himself permission to think about it. He grieved the loss of his unborn child. The doctor couldn’t know for sure what the final issue was with the baby, but it didn’t matter at that point.
And Glenda was gone too.
There wasn’t any way he could keep himself from thinking about the same thing happening with Lucy, especially with two on the way. He knew that was why he was overprotective but didn’t know how to stop the worry that had rooted deep inside him. And he couldn’t tell Lucy why he acted the way he did; that would just make her worry right along with him.
“Morning.” Caleb’s voice brought him back, forcing him to push away the negative thoughts. “You doing all right?”
Manny held up a hand. “Nee, nothing I want to talk about right now.” That probably wouldn’t keep Caleb from pestering him because he’d been so quick to decline the conversation.
He forced a smile, and they pumped hands. Caleb held on a second longer, staring at him. Manny hated it when Caleb looked at him like that. “Whose farm are we going to first?”
“The Troyers’, and then yours.” Caleb grinned at Manny’s surprise. “It was decided due to the fact you’re gonna have your hands full. Jah, there are others who are with child, but not two like you will have.”
The gravel crunched under their boots as they walked and Manny digested the news. His hay was in need of baling, and the grass he’d cut at the end of spring was dried out and ready, but his head was elsewhere.
“That’s good news, although I won’t have a table of food laid out come lunchtime.” This was one of the many times he missed having a wife by his side to do what normal couples did, especially on a day like today. Hospitality was important and expected, but he couldn’t provide what he didn’t have.
Caleb put a hand on his shoulder. “Everyone understands.”
Manny decided not to worry about it and settled in to enjoy the ride to the Troyers’. Once they got there, they set right in to gather the hay into small bales for easy handling. The square bale was the easiest for stacking. Some of the dried grass that was missed was gathered by a couple of young men on horseback mower.
Manny looked up to see what time of day it was. Not time for lunch, but the women were bringing their goods and starting to set up the tables. He glanced at Caleb, who was keeping an eye out to see that the blade was on line so no grass was lost and all could be used for feed.
“So I’m getting off easy?” Manny asked. “That’s good, because I also didn’t clean up the haus before I left.” He walked alongside Caleb’s flatbed.
“Jah, I told ’em I didn’t want to see the inside of your place. ‘It’s more like a bachelor’s pad’ is what I said.” Caleb grinned and made a turn for the barn.
“Most Amish probably don’t even know what that is.” Manny kept his place in decent shape, but it was Emma who made it shine, he thought, as he watched her walking toward him. Closer still was Lucy.
“Good morning, Sunshine.” He knew maybe he shouldn’t have been so bold, but that was how she made him feel.
She smiled slowly and kept walking. “I hear we’ll all be at your place next.” Her breath was labored, causing him concern, but she didn’t seem worried. Her cheeks were rosy, and her smile showed contentment—both things good to see. But she still didn’t seem herself. If only the babes would come quickly, perhaps things would be as they once were.
Emma joined them. “Early lunch this afternoon, due to you.” She grinned and pecked him on the cheek. “And you”—she pointed at Lucy—“will be sitting a lot and helping only a little if I have anything to say about it.”
“There’s no denying it at this point. I’m not good for much these days.” Lucy stuck out her bottom lip, showing her displeasure. “But I’m not complaining. I’m just glad the weather cooled a little. The hot flashes have been exhausting this summer.”
“It’s the same as last summer, but you weren’t carrying around two little ones then.” Emma pulled her away, and Lucy gave Manny a slight grin. And that was all he needed, at least for the moment.
He was on his way to the barn to help Caleb with the work horses but kept his eye on Lucy. He didn’t want her to strain herself helping with the lunch spread. Homemade root beer was kept cold in large tin buckets. The tables were loaded with doughnuts, canned meat, cheese, bread, and vegetables. As the men grew closer, Minister Eben said the prayer, and the food was passed around.
Lucy gave Manny quick glances as they ate. He wondered what was on her mind, hoping it was something favorable. He wanted nothing more than to share their walks and talks that had become so frequent. Fannie touched her arm. They talked for a moment and then went about clearing tables and starting the cleanup. Manny rode up next to her in Caleb’s buggy as she walked by.
“Need a lift?” He felt sort of English the way he said it, and when she nodded, he stopped on a dime and helped her up and into the buggy. “What were you doing walking?” he teased, though he was serious.
“Waiting for you to give me a ride.” Sh
e leaned back in the seat and sighed. “I can’t walk but a few steps these days, and my feet swell something awful.”
“Then I’ll be your chauffeur for the time being.” Not wanting to give her a chance to say no, he quickly changed the subject. “Did you make whoopee pie?” He’d seen her carrying one, so he took a guess.
“How did you know?” She faced him and narrowed her eyes, suspicious of his question.
“Yours is honestly the best I’ve had.”
“You men know how to get a woman to cook for you.” She lifted one side of her mouth with a small smile, knowing it was one of the few dishes she made well. Manny noticed her scar was lighter than ever and wondered why. Maybe it was internal as well as physical. Whatever the change, it was one of many that he had gone through with her. The only thing that hadn’t changed was how he felt about her, and that wouldn’t stop, no matter what she looked like or how she acted.
“What are you thinking about?” She’d been watching him, and he was taken off guard. He kept his eyes on the road even though he didn’t need to because they were in a procession of buggies, hay mowers, and flatbeds.
“I was just wondering what you were thinking,” Manny told her.
“I’m thinking I’m ready to have these babies. I don’t expect you to understand, and I might not be the best person to be around right now, but it’s all I can do to not either break down crying or laugh hysterically.” She sighed. “I also didn’t want my mamm to go.”
“Your daed needs her now. And I’m here to help, along with all the girls. I might understand better than you think.” He hadn’t talked about Glenda since she died, and he didn’t want to talk about her now, but it might help Lucy understand that he could be more supportive than she was letting him be.
