“Okay. Listen, Dad, I’ve got to go to class.”
We said goodbye and I hung up before I started to cry again. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself. Good. I didn’t want to cry again. I’d done that enough already.
I took another shower, staying in so long the hot water ran out and I was left wet and shivering under the spray.
I was losing it. Slowly now, but I was definitely losing it. I didn’t know what to do. How to stop it. How to make all this go away. I got so cold that I had to get out of the shower. I wrapped myself in a towel and curled into a ball on the couch again.
I needed to get out. To do something. To not fall into this dark pit I was staring into. I was awake, but all I could see was darkness. It took everything in me, but I got up, dried my hair, and put on some clothes.
And I took my ass to Fin’s apartment to get my stuff.
I tried not to make eye contact with the people at the front desk when I walked in, but one of the gentlemen smiled at me and tipped his hat. I nodded back. I couldn’t muster a smile for anyone. It was too much effort not to cry.
The elevator ride up to Fin’s place was both too long and too short. I walked to the door slowly and stood in front of it for ages. The key was in my hand, but I couldn’t put it in the lock. I looked down and found that my hands were shaking.
This was a bad idea, but I couldn’t turn back. I’d made it this far. I needed to get some of my clothes and things out of the apartment. It was going to take a few more trips before I got everything that was mine.
I knew I could call Carl and have him come help me, but I just . . . couldn’t. Then someone else would see me like this. I didn’t want any more people to see me like this.
Finally, I put my shaky hand up to the lock and turned the key.
Yup. This was a mistake. I’d underestimated the effect this was going to have on me.
Everything was exactly the same, of course. The place hadn’t changed. This was Fin’s sanctuary, and I knew he liked to keep it the same.
The smell. Oh, it smelled like him. I inhaled a shaky breath and took a step forward.
It took quite a while for me to get all the way into the apartment. I walked around slowly, looking at everything. Touching, memorizing. I wouldn’t be coming back here, except to get my things. I couldn’t say goodbye to Fin in person, but I could say goodbye this way.
I spent a long time looking at his books. The tears came again, but I let them fall. Let them come. Getting an idea, I took out my phone and started taking pictures. Nothing special, just a few shots here and there. I wanted to remember this, even if it hurt.
And it did hurt. Like a knife to the gut.
I made my way to the kitchen and opened the fridge. I threw away most of the food that was perishable and put the boxes and things in a grocery bag to take home with me. I didn’t think Fin would mind if I took some things home. I didn’t want to leave any trace of me here for him. I wanted to wipe away my existence from this place.
I went room to room, taking pictures and gathering my things. Pretty soon I had a pile. I was going to need a cab to take me home.
The bedroom was last. I had so many clothes here that it was a wonder I had anything to wear at home. There was a suitcase in Fin’s closet amongst his suits and shirts and ties.
I’d decided I was only going to take my own things, but I snagged one of his purple ties and wound it around my wrist. I was taking that.
One last time, I lay in his bed. It was made, so I tried not to disturb it much. I turned on the enchanted chandelier and lay my head back. A few tears fell onto the pillow.
The last thing I did was smooth the bed again then I grabbed the suitcase and the bags of groceries.
“Goodbye, Fin,” I said as I locked the door.
The next few days were hard, but I expected that. I just didn’t expect how hard they would be. I missed Fin. I missed the excitement I had when he called. I didn’t have that to look forward to anymore and I underestimated the effect it would have on me.
I spent as much time as I could out of my apartment and around other people, including Chloe and my parents. I never thought my childhood home would be a refuge.
I struck up a somewhat strange friendship with Glenna. Despite her grandmotherly exterior, she was actually kind of a badass. Before she’d been a nurse for older people, she’d traveled all around the world nursing in third world countries and all sorts of places. She had the best stories and I was almost jealous of all the traveling she’d done.
“Have you gotten to travel at all?” she asked me one afternoon as we sipped tea during Mom’s nap. The medication she was on made her so sleepy and her body clock was all off.
“Not really. I thought about it when I was younger, but I was always in school. Now I’m still in school, and I haven’t really considered it.” Fin’s travels had made me a little jealous, and I’d had a fantasy that I hop on a plane and join him wherever he was as a surprise. But I didn’t have a whole lot of cash and I came up with a million excuses. I should have. I should have gone and seen him. Maybe that might have made a difference? But maybe not. I’d never know now.
“There’s no time like the present. You’re still so young, Marisol. You could see the world if you wanted to.”
I set my tea down and thought about that. No, I couldn’t.
“I don’t know.”
“Oh, come on,” she said. “Where would you go, if you could go anywhere right now?”
“Italy,” I said, and too late, realized that was exactly where Fin was. But I’d always wanted to go to Italy. Venice, specifically. I wanted to ride in a gondola and see the city that floated. Plus, I’d heard it was sinking, so I wanted to see it before anything happened to it.
“Italy is beautiful. Full of ruins and history and beautiful countryside. You should go. When is your next break from school?” The next break I had was in October, and it was only for a few days. I went to school year-round so I could fit in all my classes. I also didn’t know what to do with myself when I wasn’t in school.
“Oh, I don’t know. It sounds crazy,” I said. But honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I thought it didn’t sound that crazy. It sounded wonderful. Getting away from everything and being in a new place where all I had to think about was drinking wine and which historical site to visit? Sign me up.
“You’re smiling. So not that crazy,” Glenna said, a grin spreading across her face. I still hadn’t gotten used to seeing her tiny teeth.
“I guess not. But I wouldn’t even know where to start.” I’d never planned a trip like that. Events, sure. But not travel with plane tickets and a hotel and so forth.
“Oh, that’s easy. I can help you if you want. You’ve got a passport, right?”
“Yup. It’s all up to date.” I’d gotten it renewed a few years ago when I’d still thought I might go out of the country, or maybe for a weekend with the girls to Canada, but that had never happened.
“Okay then. Let’s plan you a trip to Italy.” With that, she grabbed Dad’s laptop and started planning my vacation.
I was going to Italy. I’d broken up with Fin, but I was going to Italy.
“You’re going to Italy?” Chloe said the next day when we ate dinner. She’d been spending a lot of time with me lately, and I was so grateful for her.
“Apparently. I should blame Glenna, but I definitely didn’t stop her from doing it. I don’t know. I just feel like I need to do something new. Something different.”
Chloe started laughing.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing. I was just remembering when I went through that phase after my breakup. I think I just dyed my hair a new color, and considered, for about five seconds, going out with a guy.”
I choked on the piece of chicken I’d been eating. “You? You’re the most lesbian lesbian I’ve ever known.” Not that I’d known a whole lot of lesbians.
“I know. That’s what a br
eakup does to you. Makes you do crazy things. I almost got a tattoo but then decided not to,” she said as I took a swallow of water to clear my throat.
“Yeah, I don’t think I’m into that.” Tattoos just weren’t my thing.
“So you’re going to Italy by yourself. Maybe you’ll meet a sexy Italian man and have a fling with him. Or maybe you’ll buy a house and move there, like that chick in that movie.”
“Under the Tuscan Sun,” I said. I’d forgotten about that movie. The woman had gone on a trip to Italy after a divorce and ended up buying a house. I didn’t think I was ready to go to that extreme. Besides, I didn’t have the money for a house. Not even close.
“Yeah, that’s it. You should totally buy a house in Italy. Then I can come stay with you and we can have a vineyard and get drunk on our own wine.”
I laughed. That sounded like a nice idea in theory.
Especially the drunk part.
“But you’re good?” Chloe asked. She’d been asking me that several times a day since I’d told her about Fin.
“I guess. I really need to go back to his place and get the rest of my stuff.” I hadn’t been able to do that yet.
“I could go, if you want. Or I’d go with you.” That was an idea. But I didn’t think Fin would like someone else in his house that he didn’t know.
I shook my head. “No, it’s fine. I just need to suck it up and do it. I took most of my things already, but I couldn’t do it all in one trip.”
Chloe reached out across the table and grabbed my hand. “You know I’m here for you, right? That I’d do anything to help you?”
“Yeah, I do. You’re the best friend I could have asked for. I love you.” Now I wanted to cry for a different reason.
She squeezed my hand. “Love you too, Mari. So much. So much that I basically want to get on a plane and find Fin and have words.”
I laughed. “You don’t have to. It was a mutual thing. He didn’t do anything wrong. It just didn’t work out. That happens.” It happened every single day.
“I don’t care if it was mutual. My best friend is sad and upset, and I get to be mad at the person who made her that way.”
I wiped my tears and fished a tissue out of my purse to blow my nose.
“I just stopped crying and now you’ve got me started again,” I said.
“It’s going to be okay. You’re going to get through this,” she said.
“I know. It’s just hard to see the end when you’re stuck in the middle.”
“Ain’t that the truth?”
Weeks passed and I didn’t hear from Fin. It was definitely over. I went back to his place one more time to get the last of my things, but I only cried a little. My trip to Italy was booked and I bought new luggage for it. My focus had turned back to school and Mom, and I was doing better than I thought I would be doing in the wake of ending things with Fin.
I still loved him. Still wanted to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. I would sometimes scroll through the pictures I’d taken of his apartment and remember the times spent there.
The hurt didn’t go away. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Every now and then I would see someone tall with dark hair in a suit and think it was Fin. I couldn’t stop my heart from jumping at the thought of seeing him.
So many times, I typed out a text message to send to him, but deleted it before I sent it. So many times. I had to let him go. We had to let each other go.
On the nights that things felt hopeless, I wrote him letters. Long letters. I put them in a box when I was done. I didn’t go back and read them. They soon became more like a diary than anything else. I told Fin everything. Mundane things. Stupid things.
I spent time with Chloe and Glenna, but I didn’t tell my other friends about my breakup. I still hadn’t told my parents, but Dad figured it out anyway.
I was surprised to get a call from Rory, asking if I wanted to attend her company ball. I’d never been invited before, but I’d always wanted to go. Her dad was president, her mother organized the whole shindig, and the stories I’d heard were spectacular. They did a theme and it was always at a lavish place.
It sounded like fun, so I said I’d go. Even if I didn’t have a date, I could hang out with Sloane and Chloe and Rory. The ultimate girls’ night. With ball gowns.
“So, um, I know I just asked you, but Sloane is already working on a dress for you,” she said. “The theme is black and white, so you’ll be dressed accordingly. Hope that’s okay.” It was more than okay. I’d wear anything Sloane put me in. She would never dress me to look bad.
“That’s great. You know I’ve always wanted to go. But I thought you were only allowed to have one guest?” That was the reason I’d never been invited before. Rory’s parents usually made her go with a date they’d set her up with.
“Well, I can’t really bring who I want to bring since it’s verboten, so I figured out a way to get you in. I’m sneaky like that.”
I laughed. Rory was just really good at getting what she wanted. “How’s everything going with your ginger prince?”
She giggled and that told me all I needed to know. Things were going very well for her. I didn’t say anything about Fin. I trusted Rory, but I was afraid it would get out and then everyone would know. Not that I cared what anyone thought, I just didn’t want anyone asking me about it or giving me sympathetic looks.
“He’s good. We’re good. Gooder than good. See? I’m making up words.” I asked her more about her relationship to distract her from asking about Fin.
“Listen, I have to go, but I’m really excited about the ball. I’ll text you all the details, and I think Sloane will probably be calling you to come in for a fitting.” I was excited to see what she’d designed. It had been a while since I’d worn a really pretty dress. Hopefully I could use it again for some of my other events as I had a bunch coming up. The holiday season was all about the charity galas.
I hung up with Rory feeling good. I had the ball to look forward to, and Italy. Apart from everything with Fin, my life was on track and going to a great place.
But I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. Something was missing. I guess I’d always feel that way. I had to get used to living without him.
“It’s spectacular,” Sloane said as I spun around in my dress. “I mean, I know I made it, but it’s really spectacular.” Sloane was being modest. The dress was more than spectacular. It was the most beautiful dress I’d ever seen.
It was black, but gathered on my left hip to reveal a white underskirt with beading. The top was simple, and didn’t overwhelm the bottom. Of course, it fit me like it was specifically made for me. Which it was.
The dress hid everything I wanted to hide and highlighted all the things I liked.
“It’s perfect, absolutely perfect,” I said, turning sideways in the mirror. My ass looked fantastic. But that was the power of Sloane Harris of SH Designs.
“Do you want to see the others? I have them all here.” She wheeled out three more mannequins. I knew whose dress was whose just by the style.
“Let me guess, that one’s yours,” I said, pointing to the silky flowered dress that looked like it was made from a scarf. Sloane had a pretty bohemian style, which was a little at odds with some of her more elaborate designs.
“How did you guess?”
I gave her a look. Was she kidding?
“Okay, okay. I get it. Anyway, do you want to see it on?” This was a grown-up version of dress-up and I loved it. I’d forgotten how much fun it could be to just try on pretty dresses with a friend. Sloane put her dress on and we twirled around, much to the amusement of her interns and employees.
“Hey! This does not concern you. Back to work!” She snapped her fingers and everyone scurried to get back to whatever they were supposed to be doing.
Sloane could be a bit . . . harsh on her employees. But her clothes were always fabulous, so I guess she got results.<
br />
“So, how are things with Fin?” Rory might have forgotten to ask, but Sloane didn’t.
I froze mid-twirl.
“We’re not together anymore. But please, please don’t tell Rory. I just don’t want her to know. I’m afraid her parents will find out and then people will start asking my parents about it. I’d just like to avoid that if I could.” I hadn’t told her about my mom, so I just pretended things were normal.
“Oh honey, I’m sorry. That sucks.” She put her arms around me. She was so tall that she had to bend a bit.
“Yeah, well. It just didn’t work out. Sometimes that happens.” That seemed to be my line.
“I’m sorry. Maybe you’ll meet someone at the ball. There will be tons of software geeks.”
I laughed. “Sign me up.”
Fall arrived in Boston, and it seemed prettier than ever this year. I spent as much time as I could outside, walking in the park, watching the leaves change and fall from the trees. I tried to take comfort in the little things in life. I hadn’t taken pictures in a while, so I bought myself a camera and started taking as many as I could of everyday things, and then I redecorated my apartment with them.
Things got normal again, or as normal as they could be. I was still writing Fin letters, and I had to keep putting them in bigger and bigger boxes. I almost had enough for a novel. But writing to Fin that way helped me get out all the bad thoughts in my head. I was afraid if I didn’t write them down, they’d destroy me. That was my biggest fear when I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling like I was falling.
One afternoon I found myself in a cab, driving past Fin’s apartment. Part of me almost asked him to stop the car and let me out. But we kept heading back to my place. I’d had a ton of work to do at the library, so I’d brought my rolling book cart, and I didn’t have the energy to wheel it back to my apartment.
There was someone waiting on the front step when I got home. I couldn’t tell who it was because they were all bundled up in a coat with a fur hood and baggy jeans with Chucks. But I had an idea. I got out of the cab and paid my fare.
Deep Surrendering: Episode Nine Page 5
