by Susan Berran
If that doesn’t scare you, I know what will.
My best friend, Jared, reckons that his mom makes him and his brothers go and visit their great-great-grandpa at this really posh old folks home. Yep, you heard me, his great-great-grandpa. Apparently, the guys in his family live to about a thousand or something. Which I thought sounded pretty awesome, until Jared told me about his visits to the old folks place.
He reckons the smell is so bad that every time they go there he secretly shoves earplugs up his nostrils so he won’t barf! The whole place smells something like a mix of baby poop that’s been kept for a month mixed in with armpit sweat and the guts of something that got run over, exploded, and been left out in the sun rotting for at least a week.
Apparently, some of the oldies just shuffle around farting all day and another bunch of them just about poop themselves every time they sneeze . . . and of course some of them do!
But worst of all, he reckons that it doesn’t matter if he pours concrete up his nose, the smell still gets through. He’s trying to invent a “nose mower” so that when he gets home from a visit he can just shove the “nostril mower” up his nose, rip all the hair out of there, squeeze toothpaste up each nostril, shove his sister’s toothbrush up there, scrub like heck, rinse, and let the hairs grow back. Yeah, that should get rid of the smell, hopefully.
Great! And our school has just sent home a note to say that we’re going to visit the old folks home in a few weeks time. It’s some big, sucky trip to help us appreciate some blah blah blah blah blah. I dunno, I wasn’t really listening. All I was doing was trying to figure out how to shove ping-pong balls up each nostril.
Yep, the “oldie fart” is dangerous . . . for everyone!
Ok, so if you have a baby brother or sister, be ready. Because the moment they let go with one of their gut-churning, deadly, hypnotic farts, they’ll take over your parent’s brain and you’re done for! And if you have an “oldie” around be prepared to shove your head in an overflowing sewage pipe . . . it smells better!
But there is one fart that is brilliant. Your fart! Because your fart can be used to clear a room when you need to or as a deadly weapon.
Like a few weeks ago, I had a math test and totally hadn’t studied for it at all. I did prepare for the test though. Yep, I prepared by eating two extra helpings of Mexican food the night before, with extra cabbage on the side. And breakfast was a whole big can of baked beans on toast, with extra cabbage on the side. And every time I needed to go to the bathroom . . . I didn’t. I held on.
By the time I got to school the day of the test my guts were rumbling like a starving gorilla. The teacher started droning on about the test and time and trying your best and blah blah blah blah. I was starting to feel like the space shuttle about to take off . . . my butt was full of rocket fuel, the fuse had been lit, and any second now boooommm! Blast off! I couldn’t hold on much longer, my guts were rumbling louder and louder, I was sure someone would hear it any second now. My seat was starting to vibrate with my rumbling guts. Four . . . the teacher handed out the tests, three . . . he clicked his stop-watch, two . . . “Turn your papers over,” one . . . brrrrrappp!!! “And begi—” He suddenly stopped mid-sentence and sniffed the air. “Eeewwwww!” one of the girls squealed. “OMG!” Mr. Haych blurted out. Suddenly everyone was whining, “Yyyukkkkk!” “I think I’m going to be sick!” “Bluuurrr!” “Argghhh I’m dying!”
“Everyone outside!” Mr. Haych finally yelled. And that was that! No one went into that classroom for three days . . . I was so proud of myself.
Of course, you have to be very scientific when it comes to your room-clearing, deadly farts. Go too early and the smell isn’t as effective. Hold on for a second too long and . . . well, just think of those oldies every time they sneeze, if you get my drift.
It’s really handy too if you’re in an elevator. You’re on the top floor and on the way down a few people get in, then more people get in, then a few more, a few more, and before long the elevator is totally full. With only one floor to go the doors open again and there’s two more people standing there. And do they wait . . . no, they just shove in, squash back against us, and “Ow!” step on my toes, and then press the top floor button. We only had to go down one more floor and then it would have come back up for them . . . turkeys.
I stayed calm . . . sure he didn’t say sorry for treading on my toes, sure she didn’t even say “excuse me” when she coughed all over us, and sure they didn’t move an inch to let us all off on the bottom floor, so we all had to squash and squeeze ourselves around them . . . so sure I was polite and let all the others get off first. Then I pushed out the biggest, smelliest, gut-churning, barf-chucking fart that I possibly could! I just about had an “oldie accident” I pushed so hard.
And as the doors began closing with just the two of them in there going all the way to the top floor, I leaped out while at the same time rubbing my hand across the buttons so that now they’d be stuck in the disgustingly smelly elevator for a very, very, very long time . . . so nerrr!
And when it comes to using your butt as a deadly weapon . . . I reckon my butt could just about nuke the world! It’s secret, it’s deadly, and I can use it whenever I need to. Like if you’re at McDonald’s or KFC and the line is moving sooo slooowwwly that you know by the time you get to order you’ll be something like a hundred and ten years old. So you figure you might just move up the line a little. It’s not pushing in or anything, it’s just “helping” a few people to possibly change their mind about eating somewhere else, which just happens to make the line a lot shorter. Of course, you definitely don’t want to be totally embarrassed by anyone knowing that it was you that farted. Which is why you have to do plenty of “fart holding” exercises. Most of them are pretty easy, but picking-up barbells with your butt-cheeks takes a lot of practice. Oh, and don’t forget to practice your facial expressions as well, that’s really important. You have to make sure that you can slip out a fart while at the same time pretending to be reading the store menu or texting on your phone. You don’t want someone to see you scrunching up your face pushing out a fart or they’ll make a point of staring right at you and making a yuk sound just so that everyone else knows that it came from you as well. So you have to be sure you can keep a straight face while really straining to get out a massive nuke fart so no one notices that it was you.
Ok, so you’re casually waiting in line, a veeeeeery long line. Hold your butt-cheeks nice and tightly together. Then very carefully relax your butt muscles to let the tiniest little bit escape. But you have to be really careful to not let go totally or there’s a really loud and obvious pvvvttt! that everyone in a fifteen yard radius can hear and know exactly who it came from. But you also have to make sure you don’t squeeze too tight. If only a smidgeon of gas escapes everyone hears the really high pitch psssss! You have to get it in-between to be just right.
Imagine a balloon. Blow it up halfway, hold the nozzle in one hand and the balloon in the other. Then let go of the nozzle, and at the same time, squeeze the balloon as hard as possible. The rush of air racing out is a great big . . . hmmm, how do I say it . . . ooh I know.
Ok, so loosely put your lips together . . . now push them out together so they’re in front of your mouth . . . now take a big breath in through your nose . . . and blow out, keeping your lips loosely together. Yeah, that’s the fart noise!
Right, so now blow up the balloon halfway again but this time hold the nozzle with two hands. Then with the nozzle pinched tightly between the thumb and first finger of each hand, pull your hands apart which stretches the nozzle and you get this high pitch pssssss! That’s what happens if your butt’s too tight.
So you have to let your butt go nice and easy so you can sneak out a “silent but deadly” fart. Then make sure to screw up your nose just a little and look around the room as if searching for someone you don’t like. The moment others start to smell your disgusting butt-gas, they’ll start searching as well and you definit
ely don’t want to be the last one looking around. Because that’s the one person everyone will end up staring at to take the blame.
Remember, just like any sport, if you want to be good at it, practice!
THE AUTHOR
Yep, it was gross, disgusting, and just plain icky . . . but ya can’t say I didn’t warn ya. Hope you liked them.
See you soon in . . . Yucky, Disgustingly Gross, Icky Short Stories—Barf Blast
Happy reading
Seeya S.B.
Susan
www.susanberran.com
MORE “YUCKY, DISGUSTINGLY GROSS,
ICKY SHORT STORIES” . . . COMING SOON
