by Brenda Novak
It had all seemed crystal clear. So why was he confused now?
He just needed to talk to Rick. Rick was the missing piece of the puzzle. Cole had ignored his absence and tried not to dwell on it, but nothing was quite right without his brother.
Picking up the cordless phone, Cole dialed Rick’s number. It was the middle of the night, but he didn’t care. He’d waited too long to make this call already.
“Hello?”
“Rick?”
Rick seemed to pull himself out of sleep immediately. “Cole? Are you okay?”
“Fine. You?”
A tired sigh. “I’m hangin’ in there.”
Silence fell, and Cole knew Rick was waiting for him to explain why he’d called. He had to say something, but now that he had Rick on the phone, he didn’t know where to start.
“You see the football game last Sunday?”
“Yeah. Shame about the Forty-niners, huh? They’re not what they used to be.”
“I was gone last Sunday so I recorded it, but I could hardly bear to watch the fourth quarter.”
“It was pretty painful.”
Another silence. Cole searched his brain for other events in the world of sports, but drew a blank. He hadn’t been keeping up as well as he usually did. And it wasn’t exactly easy to segue from football into emotional matters.
“Well, I’ll let you go,” he said at last.
“Why’d you call?”
Cole hesitated. Here was his chance to say all the things he’d never said. It was time to tell Rick how much he meant to him.
Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, but the words wouldn’t come. On separate occasions, he’d told Andrew and Brian, even Chad, that he loved them, but he couldn’t tell Rick. Maybe it was because they were so close in age. Maybe it was sibling rivalry. Or maybe Cole still resented how difficult Rick had been growing up. Cole couldn’t say for sure. He just knew he couldn’t express his feelings, even though he loved Rick just as much, maybe more, than the others.
“No reason. Just wondered if you’d caught the game,” he said. And if you’re coming back.
“You called at three o’clock in the morning to ask if I saw the Forty-niners lose nearly a week ago?”
“Yeah.” And to tell you things aren’t the same around here without you.
“Okay…”
“Maybe I’ll see you around sometime,” Cole said, silently praying that day would be sooner rather than later. Come back, Rick. We’re brothers, man. We’re brothers. Nothing else matters.
“Maybe,” Rick said. He sounded hesitant, confused, but Cole couldn’t help him understand. They’d established their patterns of behavior years ago, and, as fatalistic as it sounded, Cole thought it was too late to change them now.
“Goodbye,” he said, and hung up. Then he sat staring out the window, listening to the wind howl outside.
JACLYN TOOK A BOLSTERING breath when she heard Terry’s truck pull into her driveway. At least he was on time today, she thought, zipping the duffel bag she’d just packed for Alyssa. He’d pick up the children and leave, then she’d be free to…to do anything, really. She could watch television or grab a bite to eat. Or maybe she’d call Margaret to see if she wanted to go to a movie. They’d never done anything together outside the office before, but they seemed to get along well enough.
“Dad’s here!” Alex called from the front of the house.
Mackenzie and Alyssa went running down the hall to meet their father, while Jaclyn gathered their bags and carried them to the living room. Terry was just coming into the house, dripping from the rain.
“They’re all set,” she said when she saw him. “Oh, wait.” She handed him the bags, then dashed down the hall to retrieve Pinkie, the teddy bear Alyssa slept with at night. “You wouldn’t want to forget Pinkie,” she said when she returned.
Terry took the stuffed bear and put it on top of the bags he’d piled near the front door. “We’ll take Pinkie when we go,” he said, “but first, we have a surprise for you.”
“You do?”
“We do?” Mackenzie echoed.
Terry’s smile reminded Jaclyn of the man she used to know, the Terry she’d fallen in love with.
“Yep,” he told the kids. “We’re going to take your mother out to dinner for her birthday.”
Jaclyn tucked her hair behind her ears and straightened in surprise. He remembered? He cared? After a year of hostility between them, after last Saturday at the motel, she didn’t know how to respond to this sudden reversal. Where was the sullen expression he usually wore in her presence? The anger in his eyes?
“That’s very nice of you,” she said, “but…”
“But what?” he asked. “Don’t tell me you already have plans.”
He didn’t mention Cole’s name, but Jaclyn knew he was thinking about him. She’d been thinking about Cole, too. Only now she was glad she’d never worked up the courage to ask him to be with her tonight. Terry would have blown a gasket if she’d had to say no on Cole’s account, and she wasn’t up for an ugly scene. “No plans.”
“Then, why not spend the evening with your family?”
He hadn’t said “with your kids.” He’d said “with your family.” But they weren’t a family anymore. Jaclyn didn’t feel good about going anywhere with Terry. She would actually prefer to stay home alone. But the kids were all speaking at once, yelling “surprise” and putting in their bid on where they should go.
“I like Chuck E. Cheese’s,” Alyssa said.
“No, I want to go to McDonald’s,” Mackenzie argued. “I’m tired of pizza.”
“Dad’s not going to take Mom out for fast food,” Alex told them. “He’s going to take her to a fancy place. Right, Dad?”
“I was thinking about the seafood buffet at the Pepper-mill,” Terry said.
“Gross! I hate seafood!” Mackenzie cried.
Jaclyn knew Alex hated it, too. Normally he would have been the first to complain, but tonight he was throwing his support behind his father, probably hoping dinner would start something that would bring his parents back together. She didn’t want to fuel those hopes, but she didn’t know how to get out of something as simple as letting Terry take her and the kids to dinner for her birthday. At least, not gracefully.
“Okay,” she relented. “I’ll grab jackets. But I don’t want to stay out long. With this storm I don’t want you on the road too late.”
Terry promised they’d eat quickly and head back, but once they finished dinner, he insisted on taking the whole family to Circus Circus, where they played carnival games and watched the circus acts. It was after ten o’clock by the time he let Jaclyn drag them home.
“Did we surprise you? Did you have fun, Mom?” Alex asked, as they waited beneath the overhang while she unlocked the front door to the house.
“Of course.” Jaclyn put on a smile for her son’s benefit as she swung the door open and they crowded past her. Terry had been the epitome of a good date—attentive, generous, fun-loving. There’d been moments she had enjoyed herself, but they were generally when he was preoccupied with one child while she played a game with another. She wanted things to be different between them than they’d been over the previous year. She especially wanted Terry to cooperate more fully with her when it came to the kids. But she didn’t know how to respond to a loving, solicitous Terry after knowing such a bitter, sullen one for so much of the recent past.
“I had a great time,” she said. “I appreciate dinner, but I’m worried about how late it’s getting. You guys better hit the road.”
“Oh, come on,” Terry said. “It’s miserable out, and it’s Friday night. Why don’t we put the kids to bed and watch a movie? We can always leave in the morning.”
Why not? Because she wasn’t interested, that was why. But once again Alex swung his support to Terry’s side.
“You know how tired Dad gets at night, Mom. You wouldn’t want him driving with us on these slick roads when he’s like tha
t.”
Jaclyn’s heart sank. Alex was right. She didn’t want to risk the safety of her kids or anyone else. But neither did she want her ex-husband as a houseguest. “Are you tired?” she asked, still hoping for a way out.
Terry shot down that hope in a hurry. “Yeah, I got up at four-thirty this morning, and I’m starting to feel it.”
He certainly hadn’t felt it at Circus Circus. Each time she’d suggested they go, he’d thought of something else they should see or do. “Won’t your folks be worried?” she asked.
“I could always give them a call.”
She was caught. She didn’t want Terry in her house, but suggesting he get a motel room wouldn’t sound very nice, especially after he’d just taken her out to dinner. Besides, Alex was monitoring every nuance of her behavior, and she was tired of coming off as the bad guy. Terry was the children’s father. She had put up with him for twelve years; she could certainly put up with him for one more night, couldn’t she? It was bedtime already. She could feign exhaustion and turn in. Morning would come before she knew it.
“Okay,” she told Terry. “You can stay, but I’m pretty tired. I’m definitely not up for a movie.”
He didn’t seem pleased with this response, but he took a seat in front of the television and didn’t push her.
Jaclyn put the kids to bed while he watched the news. Then she made him a bed on the couch. “If you get cold, there’s extra bedding in that closet,” she told him.
“Don’t you ever get cold?” he asked.
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“What did you say?” she asked again.
“Nothing. Good night.”
Jaclyn said good-night, then retreated to her room.
And I was afraid I’d be alone on my birthday!
She thought of Cole and how she’d wanted to go out with him tonight, and wished she’d had the nerve to ask him, after all. So what if it had started a fight with Terry? At least they would have stayed on familiar ground. The way Terry was behaving now…well, it was just plain odd. It made her feel as if he was setting some sort of trap.
THE DOORKNOB JIGGLED, waking Jaclyn from a sound sleep. At first she thought it was Alyssa, who sometimes climbed into bed with her in the middle of the night, but then she heard her name.
“Jackie?”
Terry! What did he want? She leaned up on her elbows to check the time, thinking it was two or later, but her alarm clock showed that it wasn’t quite midnight. Evidently, Terry hadn’t gone to bed yet.
“Is something wrong?” she asked.
“Can I talk to you?”
It was early October and still raining, definitely cool. Jaclyn didn’t normally sleep in something so heavy, but she’d pulled on a flannel nightgown tonight, so modesty wasn’t a problem.
Getting out of bed, she crossed to the door and unlocked it.
“What is it?” she asked, finding him standing in the hall wearing only his jeans.
“That couch is old and uncomfortable as hell. It’s killing my back,” he complained.
Jaclyn blinked at him, wondering what he expected her to do about it. She didn’t have an extra bed. And it was his fault they’d stayed out so late, his suggestion that he wait until morning to leave.
“I’m sorry. Do you want to sleep in Alex’s twin? You could carry him to the couch. I doubt he’d know the difference.”
“Actually—” his gaze cut to her bed “—it looks like you’ve got plenty of room in here.”
“What?” Certainly she’d heard him wrong, Jaclyn thought. After everything that had happened between them, he wouldn’t be bold enough to suggest…
“Come on, Jaclyn. It’s been a long time,” he said. “I’ve missed you, babe. Don’t you ever think about us? How it used to be? Remember the first time we made love?”
Jaclyn didn’t want to remember. She’d been so moved, so sure she’d never be that close to another human being—until a few years passed and she realized Terry was trying to share the same experience with half the women in Feld.
“You know what I remember?” she asked. “I remember crying the first time I found out about you visiting whorehouses. I remember wondering why you wanted to go there, what I’d done to let you down.”
He reached out to cup her cheek. “Oh, baby. You never let me down. There’s no one like you. No one. You’re the only one I’ve ever loved. And you’re great in bed. Don’t think you’re not. I’ve never had anyone who compares.”
“You should know,” she stated flatly, and he scowled as though realizing just how badly that line of reasoning had backfired. He was trying to play on her loneliness and the good times in the past to wiggle his way into her bed again, but his words alienated her even more. If he’d loved her and he’d liked the way she was in bed, why had he hurt her so terribly? Why had he destroyed their family?
“Come on. Let’s not start that again,” he said. “It’s behind us, Jackie. Let’s put the past behind us and move on.” He stepped into the room and closed the door with a quiet click. “You’ve loved me since we were kids. I don’t know what this thing with Cole is all about, but you certainly didn’t care about him in high school.” He took her by the shoulders. “So I’m thinking you’re just trying to get back at me. And that’s all right. I’m willing to let bygones be bygones. But don’t you think it’s time to stop hurting each other and pull our family back together?”
Jaclyn gazed up at him, wondering if she was seeing him clearly for the first time. Occasionally she’d felt terrible over the past year, thinking of herself as unforgiving and fearing she was hurting him by not coming back. But he didn’t know what pain was. The past fourteen months had been nothing but a big temper tantrum: he didn’t know how to handle not getting what he wanted. Well, he was just going to have to learn.
“I’ve already told you, Terry—”
“That was before,” he argued.
“It’s still true. I’m not coming back.”
She thought he might get angry again and storm out, maybe leave the kids and go back to Feld, but he surprised her by putting his arms around her and slipping his hands down to clench her buttocks.
“Jackie, it’s me. Come on, baby,” he murmured, pressing her into his erection. “Just one more night. One last hurrah for old times’ sake, huh?”
He started kissing her neck, his lips traveling up toward her mouth, but Jaclyn didn’t feel the smallest flicker of desire. She knew Terry was trying to break her down any way he could. If he couldn’t appeal to her heart or mind, he’d appeal to her body—anything that might help commit her to him again.
“I don’t want this,” she said, shoving at his chest.
Instead of moving back, Terry tightened his embrace.
“Terry, are you listening to me? I don’t want this!” she said.
He lifted his head, and she recognized fury in his face. Here was the Terry she’d dealt with since she left him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Saving yourself for your new man? Is it Cole you want?”
Jaclyn lifted her chin and glared at him. “Maybe.”
“You want to give yourself to that trailer trash? Or is that what you’ve already done?”
“Fortunately that’s none of your business. In any case, I want you to get out. Go to a motel, go back to Feld, I don’t care. Just get out of my house.”
“Why? I haven’t done anything. I tried to show you a good time for your birthday, that’s all. And this is the thanks I get! I’m not going anywhere until the kids wake up. Then they’re coming to Feld with me, just like we planned. Until then—” he walked over and plopped onto her bed “—I’m going to sleep. Right here.”
He stretched out and put his hands behind his head, watching to see what she’d do. Jaclyn was tempted to one-up him by calling the police. She could force Terry out. He had no right to be here. But she didn’t want to wake the kids to an all-out fight. They’d gone to bed happy. She wanted to keep their
memories of the night they spent at Circus Circus pleasant. In eight hours or so, Terry would be on his way to Feld. She needed only to wait until morning.
But she wasn’t going to wait here, with him.
Ignoring the smug look on his face, she left the room and walked swiftly down the hall to retrieve her coat. Then she pulled it on over her flannel nightgown, grabbed her car keys and headed out, barefoot, into the rain.
“Jackie?” She heard Terry call from her room, surprise evident in his voice.
But she didn’t answer. She just closed the door behind her and dashed across the lawn.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME…HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME…
Jaclyn shifted on the office couch, trying to curl into a tight enough ball to fit beneath her coat. It was cold, and she was still wet. Why hadn’t she thought to bring a blanket? Mentally she went through the contents of Cole’s closets, trying to remember if he had any spare bedding, but drew a blank. He didn’t buy a lot of extras because he only used his bedroom, the kitchen and his private office. The other rooms were empty.
What a miserable birthday. She hadn’t thought she’d be able to top last year’s, but this one was worse. An uncomfortable dinner where she felt as if she was being held hostage by her ex, followed by an enraging argument, then a midnight tromp through the rain to lie on a cold leather couch until morning.
She thought of Cole sleeping peacefully in his bedroom just a few feet away, his body warm beneath a knit blanket and goose-down comforter, and wondered what he’d do if she woke him. She wanted someone to talk to, wanted to pull the day out of the dumps somehow. Or at least borrow a blanket.
Abandoning her coat on the couch, she got up and padded quietly down the hall to Cole’s part of the house. She’d just see how he was sleeping. If he was stirring, she’d let him know she was here. If he wasn’t, she wouldn’t disturb him.
His door stood slightly ajar, but Jaclyn couldn’t hear anything coming from inside. Was he home? His car was outside.
