“Derek, you should have invited your nurse Amelia to eat with us. She’s new in town, isn’t she?” Emma said, lifting the bowl of peas and serving herself a scoop.
“I did invite her,” Derek replied. “She declined.”
“Why?” Sawyer asked.
Derek lifted one eyebrow as he faced his brother. “I didn’t press her for a reason, Squirt. That would have been rude.”
Gunnar leaned close to Violet and whispered in her ear, “Can we talk after the meal? It’s important.”
She sent him a puzzled, somewhat worried glance but nodded.
His heart kicked. What would he say to Violet? Give up your life and be a hermit with me. I may be haunted by nightmares of a bombing, but I only have panic attacks and flashbacks some of the time.
“Maybe later you could take Amelia some of our leftovers,” Piper suggested.
“Like Emma’s rock bread?” Sawyer asked, tapping a slice of the overbaked loaf on the edge of his plate.
Emma scowled. “You don’t have to eat it if you don’t like it.”
“Or if you don’t want a broken tooth,” Tate mumbled under his breath.
Emma redoubled her glower for Tate.
“Well, I, for one, am grateful to be included in your family dinner.” Violet shared a bright smile with the table.
“As are we,” Caleb said.
“It’s been a long time since I was part of a large family dinner like this,” Violet said, “and I’d almost forgotten how much fun it was.”
“Fun?” Piper asked skeptically.
“Just you wait,” Violet returned. “You’ll miss family gatherings when you’re away at college.”
Sawyer’s face brightened. “Piper’s leaving town for college?”
Piper elbowed her younger brother. “If you’re lucky.”
“Oh, no!” Rani said loudly and all eyes turned to her. She flashed an embarrassed grin as she started cleaning Hudson’s hands. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to be a distraction. I just realized Hudson was fingerpainting everything in reach with mashed potatoes, including his brother’s hair.”
Violet chuckled and pitched in, wiping food out of Mason’s curls. “Poor Mason. Hudson, eat. Not play.”
“I’m glad to see you are feeling better, Ms. Chastain,” Caleb said as he passed the platter of turkey to Emma. “You really gave us a scare the other day.”
“Please, call me Violet. And I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for getting me to Derek’s office so quickly. I think you saved my life.”
The bite of sweet potatoes in Gunnar’s mouth soured at the thought of losing Violet. He remembered how pale and fragile she’d looked when he’d first arrived at Derek’s office—how vulnerable.
“I know he saved your life. You were bleeding profusely and—” Derek looked up from his plate and met Emma’s silencing glare. He shifted his gaze to the wide-eyed horror worn by Piper and also Caleb’s daughters. “Um...well, that’s not table talk, but...you were very lucky.”
The conversation turned to Sawyer’s science project, building a working trebuchet, which was due before Christmas break, and Emma talked about all she was learning about Amish customs and beliefs.
“We are pleased with your progress,” Caleb said, giving Emma’s hand a squeeze. “I know it is a big change for you, and your choice to embrace our way of life means a lot to me.”
Gunnar glanced at Emma, studied the gleam of joy in her eyes. His sister was sacrificing a lot to be with the man she loved. She was changing her life to fit in Caleb’s world.
Could he do the same to be with Violet? Could he ask Violet to give up her career to be with him? The coil of nerves in his stomach didn’t bode well.
“Tate, are you at liberty to discuss your case?” Violet asked, hesitantly. “Did the sketch I helped with yield any tips?”
Tate and Emma exchanged a meaningful glance. “A few, but nothing that panned out. Our best hope is the undercover op I’ve been assigned.”
Violet bit her lip and nodded forlornly. Gunnar knew from her expression she was thinking about Mary Yoder and blaming herself again for the girl’s kidnapping. Under the table, he slid his hand to her knee and gave her a supportive squeeze. She raised a halfhearted smile of appreciation to him, then turned to wipe gravy off Mason’s face.
“What are you gonna do undercover?” Sawyer asked Tate, his face alight with curiosity and enthusiasm. “Do you have a secret identity like in the movies? Will you wear a wire under your clothes and stuff?”
“Sorry, buddy.” Tate aimed his fork at his little brother. “That’s classified info.”
“Hence the term undercover, doofus,” Piper said sarcastically.
“Shut up, Amazon,” Sawyer sniped.
Derek groaned loudly. “Both of you, give it a rest. It’s Thanksgiving. Can’t the arguing take a holiday?”
“But she—”
Gunnar cut Sawyer off with a wrong answer buzzer noise. “Was some part of ‘give it a rest’ not clear?”
Emma cleared her throat, then directed a smile at Violet. “So, Violet, if you think your leg is up to it, Piper and I would love to have you join us for some Black Friday shopping in town tomorrow. The local shops don’t do the open-in-the-wee-hours bit, but they do have great sales.”
Piper sat straighter, her face glowing. “Oh! Say yes. Say yes! Shopping with Violet Chastain. How cool would that be?” she asked of no one in particular.
“Doc?” Violet shot a questioning glance to Derek, who shrugged.
“If you feel up to it, I don’t see why you can’t.”
Gunnar shifted uneasily and divided a look between Emma and Tate. “Is it safe? I thought the reason she was staying at the cabin was because you thought the men who’d attacked her might come after her to keep her quiet.”
Emma stabbed a bite of turkey and waved her fork as she spoke. “She’ll be with me. I’ll keep an eye on her. And she’s already given the police her statement and description of the perp, so his incentive is diminished.” She stuck the turkey in her mouth and tugged a lopsided grin. “But if you’re worried about her, big guy, you can come with us, too.”
Gunnar didn’t like the smirk in Emma’s tone, and he wanted to go shopping with the women about as much as he wanted a hernia. But he wasn’t ready to shirk his guard duty and felt compelled personally to keep Violet safe. “All right, I will.”
Violet cut a side glace at him. “I hadn’t said I was going yet.”
“Please? It’ll be fun,” Piper said. “We’ve got some great clothing and shoe boutiques, and there are local crafts and one store with nothing but scented bath stuff.”
Sawyer made a gagging noise, earning scowls from his siblings.
“Since I’m feeling better, I was going to move back to my room in town with the rest of the movie crew tomorrow,” Rani said. “But I can keep the kids while you shop and then meet around lunchtime in town.”
“All right,” Violet said, “that sounds like a plan. I’m in!”
“Yes!” Piper said under her breath and pumped her fist.
Leaning back in his chair and rubbing his chin in a way Gunnar knew meant trouble, Derek said, “Seems to me, Violet, that if Rani’s over the flu and you’re on your feet, there’s no reason for you to stay at Gunnar’s anymore.” His brother had drawn the same conclusion that had occurred to Gunnar in the past few minutes. “You could move down to the main house if you want.”
“Or I could get a plainclothes officer to guard you,” Tate offered, “if you’re ready to move back to town yourself.”
A flutter of panic stirred in Gunnar’s gut as he glanced from one brother to the next and finally to Violet. Having Violet move out felt tantamount to losing her from his life completely and the end of the special friendship they’d developed.
Friendship? Hell. The past several days had been about way more than friendship. He’d lost a part of himself to her. He’d invested his heart and soul in her. He’d...fallen in love with her.
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The dinner in his stomach lurched, and his lungs tightened.
He turned to Violet, working hard at keeping his expression impassive, hiding the desperation that clawed inside him. Don’t go. Don’t ever leave me. I love you.
“Violet?” he said, hearing the emotion that thickened his voice.
She wet her lips and swallowed hard. “They’re right. I guess it’s time that I move out.”
Chapter 14
“You don’t have to go.”
Violet looked up from the suitcase she was packing before going to bed. Gunnar stood in the doorway of the guest room, wearing only his sleep pants and looking like he’d stepped off the pages of a catalog for chiseled masculine perfection. Desire rippled through her, remembering the feeling of that body next to hers, but she dragged her gaze away from his washboard abs and muscled shoulders and dropped her tube of toothpaste into the suitcase. “I’ve imposed long enough.”
“You’re not imposing. I...I want you here.” He pushed off the door frame and sat on the corner of the bed.
She offered him a grin. “You’ve been a great host and a tremendous help, but I have to leave sometime.”
“Why?”
Violet chuckled as she gathered her brush, hairspray and makeup bag from the bed and shoved them in the travel case. “What do you mean, ‘why?’”
Gunnar caught her hands, pulled her into the V of his legs and drilled her with a hazel gaze that shot straight to her core. “Violet, what if I told you I’d been thinking a lot about my future. And the one thing that I know for sure is that I want you in it.”
Her body stilled, but her heartbeat kicked into high gear. “Gunnar...what are you saying?”
His grip tightened on her hands, and a muscle in his jaw jumped. “I’m saying...I love—”
Gunnar stopped abruptly and blinked as if taking a mental assessment. Violet’s breath hung in her lungs. Me. Say you love me, she prayed. No. Don’t say you love me. It will only break my heart when I have to leave.
She saw no way around the fact that she had to leave. Even if their lives weren’t different, Gunnar still had unresolved issues from the war that haunted him. She couldn’t invest her life and her boys’ with another man locked in turmoil with himself. Adam’s demons had eventually killed him, and she couldn’t go through that kind of personal drama and heartache again. She couldn’t save Gunnar. He had to find the strength and courage to make the hard choices to save himself.
“I love...being with you,” he said, his tone pitched low. “I love the sound of your laugh and the way you feel in my arms. I’ve slept better the past few nights than I have since before my first tour in Afghanistan.”
She forced herself to swallow, wetting her dry throat. “I’m glad it hel—”
“I love having you to talk to in the morning,” he added quickly, “and hearing about your family and your travels and your career...”
Violet pulled her hand from his and lowered herself onto the bed. Clearly, he wasn’t going to make this easy for her. “Gunnar...”
“I want to build a life with you, Tink.”
She didn’t miss the fact that he hadn’t mentioned her boys. “And the twins? We’re a package deal, you know.”
His expression said that was obvious. “Of course. I realized at lunch how much I’ll miss having the boys around here if you leave.” His cheek twitched in a sad grin. “I’ve grown to love the little scamps, Violet.”
She sat up straighter, feeling a tug in her chest. “Love is a strong word, Gunnar.”
Oh, Lord, but she wanted her boys to have the love of a father figure. But they deserved someone they could depend on to be there no matter what—even when things got tough. Adam had used drugs as an escape from the hard parts of parenting and marriage.
She smoothed her short hair behind her ear with trembling fingers. The importance of this conversation sat heavily on her chest. “It’s easy to like babies when they’re playing sweetly in a pile of autumn leaves or napping quietly. The real test comes when you’re up all night with a baby who is crying and throwing up on you, or when they pitch a tantrum in front of your boss or disobey you for the hundredth time in a day about pulling the cat’s fur. Parenting can be a frustrating, exhausting job. Sometimes as much as you love your children and would die for your children, you don’t like them so much.”
The lines around his mouth deepened. “Clearing IEDs from a roadway in Kandahar only to have new ones hidden on the same road within hours of you leaving is frustrating, exhausting work, too. But my team and I did it, day after day, because lives depended on it. Innocent civilian lives, as well as the lives of fellow soldiers I’d come to love like brothers.”
Violet frowned. “You’re comparing raising twin toddlers to warfare?”
He sighed. “Only because it’s what I know. That was my life for the past eleven years.” He dragged his hand through his rumpled hair, then turned up his palm. “My point is I’m not afraid of hard work or difficult circumstances. I care about Hudson and Mason, and I want to see them grow up, even if that means staying up all night when they’re sick or endlessly mediating squabbles, like the ones Sawyer and Piper have, when they’re older.”
Violet fingered a loose thread on her travel bag. “They’ve taken to you, too. They trust you. But...”
But was that enough? Gunnar loved spending time with her and would miss the boys when they left. That wasn’t enough to build a relationship on—especially a relationship destined to be as difficult as theirs would be. He loved hearing about all the crazy aspects of her film career, but living it was a whole different story. The public spotlight, the media scrutiny, the lack of privacy would be devastating for Gunnar. The barrage of the press and clamoring fans was stressful enough without adding his lingering issues dealing with his trauma in Afghanistan. Her life was not suited for someone like Gunnar.
“But what, Tink?” he prompted, reaching for her again. “You can’t deny there’s something real and meaningful happening between us. Last night proved that, Violet.”
A knot lodged in her throat, and she couldn’t speak. She knew there was more than sexual chemistry, more than friendship blossoming between them, too. But her growing feelings for Gunnar only made it harder to do the right thing.
“I’m asking you to be part of my life. You and the twins.” He trapped her hand between his, and the strength and warmth of his grasp reminded her how safe she’d felt the past several days in his cabin, in his bed, in his arms...
Tears stung her eyes. She wanted desperately to stay with Gunnar and pretend the real world didn’t exist, but her life was not a movie, not make-believe, and she had to face the truth. Her world and Gunnar’s didn’t mesh. She cared too deeply for him to put him through the turmoil of having his life dissected and put on public display. It was too much to ask of an average man, much less a man coping with PTSD. She had to think of her boys, had to protect her heart, had to put Gunnar’s happiness first.
She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Emotion choked her.
He brushed his fingers along her cheek, and a wistful smile ghosted across his lips. “I’m saying I love you, Tinkerbell. Stay with me.”
Pain slashed through her chest, and wrenching away from his touch, she pushed to her feet, giving him her back while she fought for composure. Violet muffled a sob behind her hand and battled tears. Damn, this was hard!
“Violet?”
She shook her head and faced him slowly. “I can’t, Gunnar. I can’t stay with you.”
A scowl furrowed his brow. “Why not?”
“I...I have commitments...my career.”
“I’m not asking you to give up your career. I’ll move to California—”
“No. I—” she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, and twin tears leaked from her lashes “—Gunnar, the truth is...there’s no room in my life for you.”
He jerked as if shot, his expression stunned, hurt.
“I care about you, Gunnar,�
� she rushed to explain. “Truly I do. But you have to resolve your issues with the bombing in Afghanistan before I can even think about building a life with you.”
His mouth hardened as he stood from the bed. “I’m too damaged for you? Is that it?”
“I didn’t say that!” She swiped the moisture from her cheeks. “I know this hurts you, and I’m sorry. But I’ve had a husband who ignored the truth about his personal demons, and his problems destroyed our marriage long before they killed him. If I learned nothing from the crap Adam put me through, I learned that I can’t save someone with an anchor around their neck. We’ll both drown.”
Gunnar aimed a finger at her, his expression impassioned, pleading. “I would never hurt you or your children, Violet. You know I wouldn’t.”
“I know you wouldn’t mean to. But just seeing you suffer through your nightmares hurts me.” She dared to step closer to him and stroke the tense muscles in his jaw. “You don’t have to carry this guilt and grief that’s tormenting you. Talk to a professional. Do whatever therapy or counseling they advise for as long as it takes.”
“I’m so sick of people telling me I need a shrink,” he grumbled.
He clenched his teeth and dropped his gaze to the floor. His hurt was etched in the lines bracketing his mouth and eyes. His pain rolled off him in palpable waves. Violet longed to hug him and kiss away the shadows that darkened his face. But for her sake and his, she needed to make a clean break—even though giving him up cut her more deeply and more painfully than her attacker’s knife ever had.
“That’s it then?” he rasped. “You’re just going to walk away from what we have?”
“I have to, Gunnar.” She drew her bottom lip between her teeth to keep it from quivering. “Until you face your demons and deal with your posttraumatic stress, I can’t have you in my life or my sons’.”
Gunnar’s spine stiffened, and his expression blanked.
“Got it,” he growled, then stormed from the room. Down the hall, she heard the door to his room slam shut...and felt her heart break.
Colton's Ranch Refuge Page 17
