by Thorn, Ava
His adversary touched the warm red liquid that ran down his lips. “Motherfucker,” Benjamin yelled throwing out a punch of his own.
Jasmine watched as the guys fought and bystanders tried to pull them apart. She cringed as she heard every groan and lick that landed on Shane and her brother. Both men looked different; it was scary. How did they get to this point? They’d known each other for ten years and were like brothers to each other. Both men wore battle scars proudly as they huffed and puffed in their corners being held back by family and friends. Tears pricked her eyes as she saw Shane’s bloody knuckles.
She didn’t recognize the people surrounding her. Walking away from the brawl she took Shay from Melody McBride. Jasmine didn’t bother looking behind her; she needed to get away from everyone including Shane.
***
As Jasmine packed a suitcase for her and the baby, she couldn’t help but think about the drastic turn of events that had taken place. When she woke up this morning, she didn’t think her family could hate her or question her judgments. This was why she kept her pregnancy a secret for nine months.
Tears ran down Jasmine’s face as she gathered their essential belongings into two suitcases and a carry-on bag. She would go back to her house in Colorado. How could they do this to her? Couldn’t they be happy that she had a beautiful, healthy child?
Sliding to the hardwood floor, she leaned against the bed and sobbed. She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there and cried or when Shane came home.
“Jasmine! Are you okay?” he asked. She heard the concern evident in his voice, and saw the black eye he was sporting. Jasmine reached up and touched his lips that had dried blood in the corner and a gash on the side of his face. She leapt into his arms and cried harder while he rubbed her back soothingly.
When the tears calmed, he nuzzled the side of her face. “I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t think we would have received that response,” she cried. “Our indiscretions have caused so much confusion around us. My family will never forgive us.”
Shane eyed the luggage on the bed. “You were leaving me.”
Drying her eyes, she stood up and peeked over at Shay sitting in her baby swing. “What I’m supposed to do?” She cleared her voice and zipped up the suitcase. “Today was evidence that this was a bad idea.”
Shane staggered onto the bed; he was exhausted and a bloody mess. “They’re trying to fill you with doubt about me…I don’t care what they say, Jasmine. They don’t know the truth about us…we can deny it all day long, but we both know there is something between us besides Shay.”
Jasmine had looked into Shane’s shimmering eyes before she walked into the bathroom to fetch the first aid kit. Kneeling down in front of him she opened the wound and sighed. “We’re a mess.”
Shane grimaced as the antiseptic was applied to the cut. Reaching up he stilled her hand. “What Benjamin said back there is not true.”
“Which part?” She removed her hand and continued to clean the gash on his eyebrow. Jasmine noticed how Shane’s jaw twitched. “You don’t have to answer it.”
“You have to listen to me and not form your own conclusion,” he pleaded, taking both of her hands into his. “I will not entertain the notion that I’m a racist because I’m not…Benjamin knows that my grandfather was a bigot. Shit, Randolph Fuller was probably burning crosses back in the day, his whole purpose in living was to be racist. Eat it, teach it, sleep it and live it. My mother didn’t share that view with my grandfather and uncles. I can tell you that I haven’t seen that part of my family for some years.”
Jasmine noticed the contrast of her brown skin against his white skin “We never talked about race… we have a biracial daughter. Our daughter is white, black and Native American. Half of the American population is mixed with something…Jazzy, don’t make this about race.”
“For weeks we’ve been held up in this house in our own little world. Face it, just because there is a black president doesn’t mean that racism is gone.” She applied a Band-Aid to the cut and closed the box. “You don’t know how it feels to be stared down when you’re in the store because the clerk thinks you going to steal something.”
Shane massaged his temple. “Why are we still talking about race?”
“So, we should just ignore it because you will never marry me or any black woman because of the color of our skin?” She was getting flustered. “I think you just proved that no matter what profession one might hold, they’re still ignorant regarding race.”
“Says the woman with a Native American mom and black father.”
“Yes! And guess what? My mom’s family didn’t approve of her marrying a non-Apache man. They still don’t want anything to do with her and her off-spring. Shit, the only reason why my grandfather on my dad side likes my mom is because she is a minority.”
“I think we should take a step back from this conversation. We’re still hyped up from today’s earlier events.”
Jasmine stood up and walked to the dresser and pulled out her day planner. “When is it a good time to talk about? Let me know so I can pencil it in.”
Shane could feel a headache coming on and the conversation with Jasmine wasn’t making it go away. “Jazzy, what’s your problem? Is it what Benjamin said that is eating at you?”
She sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t marry you, Shane Johnathan McBride.” Jasmine stalked passed him and right out the room.
That’s what you say, he thought. Shane saw the look in her eyes, he could tell that she wanted to cry but was holding it in. Gazing his daughter who was the exact shade you would get with a black mother and white father- a toasted golden color.
Picking Shay up from the baby swing, he cradled her in his arms. Holding her close to his chest, he inhaled the baby scent that he couldn’t get enough of. “I will always protect you and most importantly, I will teach you to be secure in your own skin.”
***
Jasmine sat on the porch swing enjoying the light evening breeze. Groaning, she picked her cell phone and checked it for the twelfth time, there were no missed calls from any of her family members. What did she honestly expect? She kept her pregnancy a secret from the people who loved her and waited until her child was almost a month old before she told them.
For years, Shane was always the man she considered out of her reach and here they were now, parents to a beautiful daughter. She peeked over at the drop dead gorgeous cowboy. Most people saw his looks but never paid enough attention to his great sense of humor and wittiness. Jazzy always thought Shane was perfect.
“You shouldn’t scrunch your face up like that.”
Putting her feet out, Jasmine stopped the swing abruptly and looked at Shane standing there holding two bowls of ice cream. “Whatever,” she mumbled.
“Seriously, my momma used to say if you continued to make those faces, your face is gonna get stuck.” He mocked her facial expression. “You’ll be walking around like this, ain’t no man going to want you but me.”
She chuckled. “You don’t want me per Benjamin; I’m not the pick of the litter.”
Sitting down on the swing, he handed her a bowl of ice cream. “It’s rocky road, no pun intended.”
Jasmine couldn’t help but laugh, digging in with fervor. “I really needed this but I’m going to hate myself tomorrow morning.”
“Jazzy, you do know you’re perfect the way you are, right?” He noticed how her body relaxed when she ate a spoonful of creamy dessert. “And your skin color doesn’t bother me.”
“Gotcha,” she replied with a mouthful of ice cream.
“I don’t give two fucks that you’re black! I won’t care if you were purple, green, or polka dot, I would still be smitten with you.”
Before she knew it she was hitting the bottom of her cold bowl. “Truth or dare?”
Shane took another bite before handing his semi-full bowl of ice cream to Jasmine to polish off. “How o
ld are we again?”
“Truth or dare never gets old, no matter how old you get,” she smirked.
So here he was sitting with a woman, he’d known since she was knee high to a pig’s eye. Jasmine was so engrossed in her treat that she didn’t even notice the drizzling of cream at the corner of her mouth. “Truth.”
“Man, I thought you were going to say dare,” she said with a snap of her fingers. “Have you ever dated a black woman?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Shane reached over and wiped away the sweet confection from her lips. “This is truth and dare, I’m pretty sure your turn just ended.”
Jasmine placed the spoon back into the bowl. “Touché, I pick truth.”
“Have you dated outside of your race?”
“I think we should have some wine or something stronger for all these questions.” Jasmine practically ran into the house and searched the kitchen for Shane’s expensive liquor.
“Answer the question. St. Clair.” Shane plucked the liquor bottle out of Jasmine’s hands. “This is a public service announcement, did you forget that you are still breastfeeding.”
“I have those test strips for the breast milk, and I already pumped enough milk.” When Shane was satisfied with the answer, he went to the cabinet. Fetching two glasses, he poured them both a glass of whiskey.
“My mom’s side of the family doesn’t like the fact she didn’t marry an Apache, my father side didn’t care who the hell my dad married as long as they were a minority.” Jasmine took a swig of the beverage and gasped as the warm liquid burned her throat. “I never dated outside my race.”
Shane’s chest puffed out proudly with a smile etched on his face. “So, I broke your white man virginity?”
Jasmine held up one finger. “You’re only allowed one question, it’s my turn now.”
“Fine.” Shane chugged down his alcohol and gasped. “Whoa!”
“Truth or dare?”
“Dare,” he replied.
“What is your guilty pleasure?” Jasmine inhaled sharply as Shane braced both of his hands on side of the kitchen counter. “What…what…are you doing?”
“Tsk, tsk, tsk, remember only one question.” He reminded her pushing a strand of hair off her forehead. “Truth or dare?”
Jasmine was feeling herself at the moment. “Dare,” she said boldly.
“Hmm…kiss me.” His voice was husky and sensual.
There was nowhere for her to move; she was trapped between Shane and the counter. Jasmine licked her lips and chuckled nervously. “I can’t believe you.”
Shane pressed a kiss to her lips and slid his hands up her arms. “Why, doll? We kissed plenty of times before.” He nuzzled her neck causing sizzling sensations to travel up and down her spine. “I think you love when I kiss you and vice versa.”
Jasmine’s body practically melted in Shane’s arms. She could feel every inch of him through her skirt. “This is torture.”
“Say that again,” he mumbled against her breasts.
“Shane! You are not listening.”
He looked up at her face. “Silence has never been your best quality.”
Was that an insult? With Shane pushing up her dress and nuzzling her breasts the small affront he made didn’t matter anymore. Jasmine arched her back and pushed against him. He lifted his head and smiled knowingly at her. Overwhelmed by lust, she grabbed Shane’s hair, pressing her lips against his forcefully. His mouth opened, pushing her tongue into it, reveling in the intimacy, and enjoying the feeling of his response.
She broke away to take a breath, within seconds Shane captured her lips, tugging and caressing them with his while hands were slowly disrobing her. When he finally released her mouth, Jasmine’s heart was racing, Shane’s touches and kisses were making her lose her mind.
“Shane…”
Those words that escaped her pretty lips were the answer that Shane needed before he sank deep inside of her.
“I love this,” she murmured over and over again, as he continued to press deeply into her. Jazzy spiraled out of control as his skilled hands and lips worked all over her body. Shane’s groans became louder as he gripped her tighter as he lost control.
***
Shane sat next to Jasmine on the kitchen floor demolishing a pint of chocolate ice cream. Most guys in his shoes would think this was the life, to have a beautiful woman and new baby girl. When Sarah died he always said that he was never going to date or get married again, now here he was with Jasmine.
Here he was with a woman who was the mother of his child and he was falling madly in love. Peeking over he noticed since they’d been together Jasmine had been glowing and happy, even retaining some sense of semblance dignity in spite of their situation. Being around her transformed him into this giddy teenager-like love in him. He didn’t hate it at all, it was actually wonderful. He loved it and most importantly he enjoyed spending time with Jazzy and seeing her happy.
It was complicated falling in love again, especially when you wife died almost two years ago. Saying the L word sounded like it would come too soon if he said it to Jazzy.
“What is that look for?” Jazzy asked, looking at him suspiciously.
Shane stood up and placed the empty ice cream container in the trash. “I can’t breathe when you’re around me.”
“What does that mean? I’m evading your space if it’s too much for you to handle…”
“You are perfect, everything is perfect; me going to work and coming home to you is perfect. Shay is perfect.” Shane chuckled nervously as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I have fallen in love with you! That’s why it’s so hard to breathe. I can barely function at work because I'm thinking about our kisses, touching you or the stolen glances that make me weak in the knees.”
“I…” Jasmine swallowed and stood up from her seat on the floor “I don’t…”
Shane stepped forward, brows knitted, eyes full of worry. “Jazzy, you don’t have to say anything…”
“I have loved you since the day I met you,” she blurted out, and quickly covered her mouth.
Shane looked shocked, for the first time he was utterly speechless. It was like Déjà vu for him. When the words left Jasmine’s mouth, his mind immediately went to the argument he had with Sarah.
“That little bitch has a crush on you.”
“I see the way you’re looking at me but it wasn’t like that. Over the years, I kept my distance from you. Tortured myself for years with unrequited love.”
Shane hurried up and put on his clothes…he just confessed his love to Jasmine St. Clair and she replied by telling him about the love she had for him for years. “Do you know the argument I had with Sarah regarding you?”
“Never! Have I ever approached you about my feelings toward you?” she exclaimed, pointing her finger at him. “It was always one-sided, I was never a threat to your marriage or Sarah.”
“Every night my wife argued that you were this bad omen to our marriage…and I didn’t believe her…you were the person who had Sarah losing her grip on sanity.”
Jasmine gasped with her hand to her chest. “Yes, I had a crush on you; there is nothing wrong with liking someone. I never put myself out there until now.” Here she was risking her emotions, vulnerability and investing her happiness in this jerk. Did he see that she was taking a huge leap of faith by confessing her feelings? “I got over you Shane McBride…I got over a man who didn’t love me back; a man who was taken and eventually, I created space in my heart for someone who loved me because I knew you could never be that man.”
Shane took a step toward Jazzy, reaching up he brushed a strand of her black locks from her face. “You always loved me?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “Do you know how it feels to love someone who can’t love you back? You make me happy. I stood on the sidelines for years admiring you. Silently loving you from afar.” Jasmine walked out the room and into the room she shared with their daughter.
/> He stood in the spot where she left him. A few minutes ago he sat on the floor hoping that Jazzy felt the same as he did. He knew first hand that life was too short, one day you were here and next day you could be gone in the blink of an eye. He didn’t want to waste more time and energy fighting his feelings for Jasmine. Today he reached down inside himself and found the courage to tell her that he was falling in love with her only for her to tell him she been in love with him for years.
Taking a seat at the kitchen counter, he poured himself a glass of bourbon. He laughed pitifully at himself. Look at yourself man! He thought to himself. His life was almost like the American Dream story, getting married to his high school sweetheart, joining the military and eventually a career in law enforcement. Everything was great for them until bipolar disorder and depression took over Sarah.
He swished the liquor around his mouth before swallowing it and gasping as the warm liquor soothed his throat. Their life together became a nightmare, the countless arguments and attempted suicides. However, he was determined to be a devoted, loving husband and to stand by Sarah. His marriage was railroaded by mental illness and it didn’t matter how much love he had for his wife nothing could overcome the result.
Every day was a struggle for him to leave the woman he loved. The day he told Sarah he wanted a divorce was the last time he ever talked to her. Yes, he valued the commitment he made ‘sickness and in health,’ his smart, beautiful and loving wife’s reality became so altered, it compromised her integrity, civility and intelligence.
Picking up the bottle, he started to pour himself another glass. When thoughts of Sarah arose, it was easier for him to chase those thoughts away with liquor.
Day in and day out he had to come to turns with the heartbreaking reality that he didn’t do enough to help her. The guilt was eating at him for deciding to end their marriage, now he was battling with survivor’s remorse. In a span of the two years since Sarah’s death, he was now falling madly in love with someone else and a father to a baby girl. He was guilty of moving on with the woman his dead wife hated.
