by Nora Roberts
‘‘Juice!’’ Aubrey sobbed it, at the top of her lungs, straining away from Carol with her arms held out to Grace and fat tears trembling on her cheeks.
‘‘Carol, take the child in the kitchen and calm her down.’’ Pete clamped down the exact urge as Grace’s and waved a hand at his wife impatiently.
‘‘Child hasn’t shed a tear all day,’’ he muttered, with an accusing look at Grace.
‘‘Well, she’s shedding them now,’’ Grace snapped back, adding layers of guilt onto frustration as Aubrey’s sobs echoed back from the kitchen. ‘‘And she’ll forget them five minutes after they’re dry. That’s the beauty of being two. You get older, you don’t forget tears as easily. You made me cry plenty of them.’’
‘‘You don’t get through parenthood without causing some tears.’’
‘‘But some people can get through it without ever knowing the child they raised. You never looked at me and saw what I was.’’
Pete wished he was standing. He wished he had shoes on his feet. A man was at a distinct disadvantage when he was kicked back in a recliner without his damn shoes on. ‘‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’’
‘‘Or maybe you did—maybe I’m wrong about that. You looked, you saw, and you put it aside because it didn’t fit in with what you wanted. You knew,’’ she continued in a low voice that nonetheless snapped with fury. ‘‘You knew I wanted to be a dancer. You knew I dreamed of it, and you let me go right on. Oh, taking the lessons was fine with you. Maybe you grumbled about the cost of them from time to time, but you paid for them.’’
‘‘And a pretty penny it came to over all those years.’’
‘‘For what, Daddy?’’
He blinked. No one had called him Daddy in nearly three years and it pinched at his heart. ‘‘Because you were set on having them.’’
‘‘What was the point if you were never going to believe in me, never going to let go enough or stand by enough to let me try to take the next step?’’
‘‘This is old business, Grace. You were too young to go to New York, and it was just foolishness.’’
‘‘I was young, but not too young. And if it was foolishness, it was my foolishness. I’ll never know if I was good enough. I’ll never know if I could have made that dream real, because when I asked you to help me reach for it, you told me I was too old for nonsense. Too old for nonsense,’’ she repeated, ‘‘but too young to be trusted.’’
‘‘I did trust you.’’ He jerked his chair up. ‘‘And look what happened.’’
‘‘Yes, look what happened. I got myself pregnant. Isn’t that how you put it at the time? Like it was something I managed all by myself just to annoy you.’’
‘‘Jack Casey was no damn good. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him.’’
‘‘So you said, over and over again until he took on the gleam of forbidden fruit and I couldn’t resist sampling it.’’
Now Pete’s eyes flashed and he rose out of the chair. ‘‘You’re blaming me for getting yourself in trouble?’’
‘‘No, I’m to blame if there has to be blame. And I won’t make excuses. But I’ll tell you this—he wasn’t nearly as bad as you made him out to be.’’
‘‘Left you high and dry, didn’t he?’’
‘‘So did you, Daddy.’’
His hand shot up, shocking both of them. It didn’t connect, and it trembled as he lowered it. He’d never done more than paddle her bottom when she was a toddler, and even then he’d suffered more than she had because of it.
‘‘If you’d hit me,’’ she said, struggling to keep her voice low and even, ‘‘it would be the first real feeling you’ve shown me since I came to you and Mama and told you I was pregnant. I knew you’d be angry and hurt and disappointed. I was so scared. But as bad as I thought it would be, it was worse. Because you didn’t stand by me. The second time, Daddy, and the most important of all, and you weren’t there for me.’’
‘‘A man’s daughter comes in and tells him she’s pregnant, that she’s gone on and been with a man he took trouble to warn her away from, it takes him time to deal with it.’’
‘‘You were ashamed of me, and you were angry thinking of what the neighbors were going to say. And instead of looking at me and seeing that I was scared, all you saw was that I’d made a mistake you were going to have to live with.’’
She turned away until she was sure, absolutely sure, there wouldn’t be tears. ‘‘Aubrey is not a mistake. She’s a gift.’’
‘‘I couldn’t love her any more than I do.’’
‘‘Or me any less.’’
‘‘That’s not true.’’ He began to feel sick inside and more than a little scared himself. ‘‘That’s just not true.’’
‘‘You stepped back when I married Jack. Stepped back from me.’’
‘‘You did some stepping back yourself.’’
‘‘Maybe.’’ She turned around again. ‘‘I tried to make it once without you, putting my money away for New York. I couldn’t do it on my own. I was going to make my marriage work without any help. But I couldn’t do that, either. All I had left was the baby inside me, and I wasn’t going to fail there, too. You never even came to the hospital when I had her.’’
‘‘I did.’’ Groping, he picked up a magazine from the table, rolled it into a tube. ‘‘I went up and looked at her through the glass. She looked just like you did. Long legs and long fingers and nothing but yellow fuzz on her head. I went and looked in your room. You were asleep. I couldn’t go in. I didn’t know what to say to you.’’
He unrolled the magazine, frowned at the fresh-faced model on the cover, then dropped it back on the table. ‘‘I guess it made me mad all over again. You’d had a baby, and you didn’t have a husband, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I’ve got strong beliefs about that kind of thing. It’s hard to bend.’’
‘‘I didn’t need you to bend very much.’’
‘‘I kept waiting for you to give me the chance to. I thought when that son of a bitch ran out on you, you’d figure out you needed some help and come home.’’
‘‘So you could have told me how right you were about everything.’’
Something flickered in his eyes that might have been sorrow. ‘‘I guess I deserve that, I guess that’s what I would’ve done.’’ He sat down again. ‘‘And damn it, I was right.’’
She gave a half laugh, weary around the edges. ‘‘Funny how the men I love are always so damn right where I’m concerned. Am I what you’d call a delicate woman, Daddy?’’
For the first time in too long to remember she saw his eyes laugh. ‘‘Hell, girl, about as delicate as a steel rod.’’
‘‘That’s something, anyway.’’
‘‘I always wished you had a little more give in you. Instead of coming once, just once, and asking for help, you’re out there cleaning other people’s houses, working until all hours in a bar.’’
‘‘Not you, too,’’ she murmured and moved to the window.
‘‘Half the time if I see you down on the waterfront you’ve got shadows under your eyes. ’Course, the way your mother’s jabbering, that’ll change before long.’’
She glanced over her shoulder. ‘‘Change?’’
‘‘Ethan Quinn’s not a man who’ll let his wife wear herself to the bone working two jobs. That’s the kind of man you should have been looking at all along. Honest, dependable.’’
She laughed again, pushed a hand through her hair. ‘‘Mama’s mistaken. I won’t be marrying Ethan.’’
Pete started to speak again, closed his mouth. He was smart enough to learn by his mistakes. If he’d pushed her toward one man by pointing out his flaws, he might also push her away from another by listing his virtues.
‘‘Well, you know your mother.’’ He let it go at that. Trying to fit the words in his head, he plucked at the knee of his khakis. ‘‘I was afraid to let you go to New York,’’ he blurted out, then shifted when she turned f
rom thewindow to stare at him. ‘‘I was afraid you wouldn’t come back. I was afraid, too, that you’d get yourself hurt up there. Hell, Gracie, you were only eighteen, and so damn green. I knew you were good at dancing. Everybody said so, and you always looked pretty to me. I figured if you got yourself up there and didn’t get your head bashed in by some mugger, you’d find you wanted to stay. I knew you couldn’t manage it unless I gave you the money to start you out, so I didn’t. I thought you’d either stopwanting to go so damn bad, or if you didn’t, it’d take you a year or two to put by enough.’’
When she said nothing, he sighed and leaned back. ‘‘A man works hard all his life building something, and while he’s doing it he thinks that someday he’ll pass it on to his child. My daddy passed the business on to me, and I always figured I’d pass it on to my son. Had a daughter instead, and that was fine. I never wanted to change that. But you never wanted what I was planning on giving you. Oh, you’d work. You were always a good worker, but anybody could see you were only doing a job. It wasn’t going to be a life. Not your life.’’
‘‘I didn’t know you felt that way.’’
‘‘Didn’t matter how I felt. It wasn’t for you, that’s all. I started to think that you’d get married one day and maybe your husband would come into the business. That way I’d still be passing it on to you, and to your children.’’
‘‘Then I married Jack, and you didn’t get your dream, either.’’
His hands rested on his knees, and he lifted his fingers, let them fall. ‘‘Maybe Aubrey’ll have an interest in it. I’m not planning on retiring anytime soon.’’
‘‘Maybe she will.’’
‘‘She’s a good girl,’’ he said, still looking down at his hands. ‘‘Happy. You . . . you’re a fine mother, Grace. You’re doing a better job than most under hardcircumstance. You’ve made a good life for both of you, and done it on your own.’’
Her heart trembled and ached. ‘‘Thank you. Thank you for that.’’
‘‘Ah . . . your mother would like it if you’d stay for dinner.’’ Finally he looked up, and the eyes that met hers weren’t cool, weren’t distant. In them was both plea and apology. ‘‘I’d like it, too.’’
‘‘So would I.’’ Then she simply walked over, climbed into his lap and buried her face in his shoulder. ‘‘Oh, Daddy. I missed you.’’
‘‘I missed you, Gracie.’’ He began to rock and to weep. ‘‘I missed you, too.’’
ETHAN SAT ON THE TOP step of Grace’s front porch and put her purse down beside him. He had to admit he’d been tempted several times to open it and poke inside to see just what a woman carted around with her that was so damned heavy and so indispensable.
But so far he’d managed to resist.
Now he wondered where she could be. He’d driven by her house nearly two hours earlier before going to the boatyard. Since her car wasn’t in the drive, he didn’t stop. Odds were, her door was unlocked and he could have set her purse inside the living room. But that wouldn’t have accomplished anything.
He’d done some hard thinking while he worked. Some of that thinking centered on how long it was going to take her to cool off from snarling mad to mildly irritated.
He figured he could deal with mildly irritated.
He decided it was probably best that she wasn’t home quite yet. It gave them both more time to settle down.
‘‘Got it all figured out yet?’’
Ethan sighed. He’d smelled his father before he heard him, before he saw him sitting comfortably on the steps, feet crossed at the ankles. It was the salted peanuts in the bag Ray had in his lap. He had always had a fondness for salted peanuts.
‘‘Not exactly. I can’t seem to think it through so it gets clear.’’
‘‘Sometimes you have to go with the gut instead of the head. You’ve got good instincts, Ethan.’’
‘‘Following instinct’s what got me into this. If I hadn’t touched her in the first place . . .’’
‘‘If you hadn’t touched her in the first place, you’d have denied both of you something a lot of people look for all their lives and never find.’’ Ray rattled into the bag and pulled out a handful of nuts. ‘‘Why regret something that rare and that precious?’’
‘‘I hurt her. I knew I would.’’
‘‘That’s where you went wrong. Not in taking love when it was offered but in not trusting it for the long haul. You disappoint me, Ethan.’’
It was a slap. The kind that both knew would sting the most. Because it did, Ethan stared hard at the thirsty little pansies going leggy beside the steps. ‘‘I tried to do what I thought was right.’’
‘‘For whom? For a woman who wanted to share your life, wherever that would take you? For the children you may or may not have. You’re on dangerous ground when you second-guess God.’’
Annoyed, Ethan slanted a narrow look at his father’s face. ‘‘Is there?’’
‘‘Is there what?’’
‘‘Is there a God? I figure you ought to know, seeing as you’ve been dead the last few months.’’
Ray threw back his big head, let out his wonderful rolling laugh. ‘‘Ethan, I’ve always appreciated your understated wit, and I wish I could discuss the mysteries of the universe with you, but time’s passing.’’
Munching on nuts, he studied Ethan’s face, and as he did, Ray’s wickedly amused grin softened, warmed. ‘‘Watching you grow into a man was one of the greatest pleasures of my life. You’ve got a heart as big as your Bay. I hope you’ll trust it. I want you to be happy. There’ll be trouble coming for all of you.’’
‘‘Seth?’’
‘‘He’ll need his family. All his family,’’ Ray added in a murmur, then shook his head. ‘‘There’s too much misery in the short time we spend living, Ethan, to turn away happiness. You remember to value your joys.’’ Then his eyes twinkled. ‘‘I’d brace myself, son. Your thinking time’s over.’’
Ethan heard Grace’s car, glanced toward the road. He knew without looking that his father was no longer beside him.
When Grace saw Ethan sitting on her front porch steps she wanted to lay her head on the steering wheel. She wasn’t sure her heart could handle yet another trip through an emotional wringer.
Instead, she climbed out of the car and went around to unstrap the sleeping Aubrey from her car seat. With Aubrey’s head heavy on her shoulder, she walked to the house and watched Ethan unfold his long legs and rise.
‘‘I’m not willing to go through another round with you, Ethan.’’
‘‘I brought your purse by. You left it at the house.’’
Startled, she frowned when he held it out to her. It showed just how jumbled her mind had been that she hadn’t even realized she’d been without it. ‘‘Thank you.’’
‘‘I need to talk to you, Grace.’’
‘‘I’m sorry. I have to put Aubrey to bed.’’
‘‘I’ll wait.’’
‘‘I said I’m not willing to talk about this again.’’
‘‘I said I need to talk to you. I’ll wait.’’
‘‘Then you can just wait until I’m good and ready,’’ she told him and sailed into the house.
It appeared she hadn’t quite gotten down to mildly irritated, he decided. But he sat again. And he waited.
SHE TOOK HER TIME, stripping Aubrey down to her training pants, covering her with a soft sheet, tidying the bedroom. She went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of lemonade she didn’t want. But she drank every drop of it.
She could see him through the screen door, sitting on the steps. For a moment, she considered simply going to the door, closing it, and tossing the bolt to make her point. But she discovered she didn’t have quite enough mad left to be that petty.
She opened the screen, let it close quietly.
‘‘Is she down for the night?’’
‘‘Yes, she’s had a long day. So have I. I hope this won’t take long.’’
; ‘‘I guess it doesn’t have to. I want to tell you I’m sorry for hurting you, for making you unhappy.’’ Since she didn’t come down and join him on the steps, he stood and turned to her. ‘‘I went about it wrong, and I wasn’t honest with you. I should have been.’’
‘‘I don’t doubt you’re sorry, Ethan.’’ She walked to the rail, leaned out, looked over her little patch of yard. ‘‘I don’t know if we can be friends the way we were before. I know it’s hard to be at odds with someone you care about. I made up with my father tonight.’’
‘‘Did you?’’ He stepped forward, then stopped because she’d shifted away. Just a little, just enough to tell him he no longer had the right to touch. ‘‘I’m glad.’’
‘‘I suppose I have you to thank for it. If I hadn’t been so mad at you, I wouldn’t have let myself be mad at him and get everything out. I’m grateful for that, and Iappreciate your apology. Now I’m tired, so—’’
‘‘You said a lot of things to me today.’’ She wasn’t going to brush him off until he’d finished.
‘‘Yes, I did.’’ She shifted again, met his gaze straight on.
‘‘Some of it was right, but not all. Not acting on how I felt about you before . . . it’s the way it had to be.’’
‘‘Because you say so.’’
‘‘Because you couldn’t have been more than fourteen when I started loving you, and wanting you. I was close to eight years older. I was a man when you were still a girl. It would have been wrong to touch you then. Maybe I waited too long.’’ He stopped, shook his head. ‘‘I did wait too long. But I’d had time to think it through and I’d promised myself I wouldn’t get you tangled up with me. You were the only one who I wanted enough that it mattered. Part of it was for me because I knew if I ever had you I wouldn’t want to let you go.’’
