by Lee Walsh
“They aren't little adventures!” I argued. “I've had amazing adventures, far and wide and travelled the world!”
“Of course you have, Percy. You're a man. It's what men do,” said Wanda.
We arrived at the oak tree and each took turns to jump back through the fabric and into Mayr, carefully holding on to the gnomes as we passed through the gate between the mundane and the magic.
As I was the last through the hole just before it closed, I heard one thing that would play on my mind for my remaining days, or at least until the following Wednesday.
“If you see John Pietta, tell him I'm waiting for the support he promised me!”
That little scoundrel, I thought.
+
10
THEY'RE BACK
One army to rule them all. Percy had assembled the greatest army ever known. Percy was destined to be king and rule over Mayr forever more...
“That's more like it,” said Percy with a wide smile upon his evil face. “It's not exactly the truth but it certainly sounds better.”
+
THE SUN SHONE at high noon and the birds in Mayr sang their choruses of joy and happiness. We arrived back in the forest in one piece and the gnomes survived the journey. That mission was complete. The next part of our masterplan was to bring the gnomes back to life and that would take some work. Brownbeard kept a lookout while the rest of us got to work on a type of magic that hadn't been used for such a long time. An ancient spell called 'Puttus Lifeus Backus'; a name that had stuck over the years but was rarely used by anyone.
Miraculously, the spell worked and the gnomes were back to life for the first time in my lifetime. Incredible little people with incredible anger still rife within them after all their years spent as ceramic ornaments. I guess anyone would be a little frustrated at that. 15 little gnomes were ever so grateful and ever so cute and furious.
For all my years of knowing about gnomes, and all the stories about them that I had ever heard, I would never have imagined that they wouldn't have been able to speak. They couldn't. They made certain grunts and noises but not a single coherent word came out of their little mouths. This made it all the more amusing for Billy who was ever so excited with his new toys.
Gnomes had infectious awe about them. You could feel the anger within their souls. These little-bearded fellows wanted war – even more so than Brownbeard or any other dwarf. It didn't matter who with, but you could feel the energy they gave off.
I attempted to round up the gnomes. They were uncontrollable and very quick for such small beings. After some time, I managed to successfully calm them down. The little growls and grunts came to an end and it was time for me to speak.
“My little fellows,” I shouted. “We have brought you here today and brought you away from the terrible humans for one purpose – we need to free the land of Mayr from the oppressive elves and their cruel taxes and slavery of the races in Mayr.”
The gnomes gathered around and listened. It seemed to strike a chord with them with the very mention of the word 'elves'. I didn't really know what else to say but improvisation was always a good trait of mine.
“Us four wizards and a dwarf,” I began.
Wanda coughed a little to attract my attention.
“Fine,” I continued. “We are the Wizards and a Witch on a Rampage. We have had it up to here with the elves and we call upon your help in bringing down this regime. It isn't right, it's wrong.”
The gnomes carried on listening.
“Our mission is to go to Ark-Gaiu and end the regime that has bestowed itself upon us and the rest of Mayr. Time has come to bring liberty to one and all. Are you with me?”
They were still listening.
“I say, are you with me?!”
“Don't forget, Percy,” Eric whispered. “They can't speak.”
“They understand though, right?” I asked.
“I don't know, they seem to be listening,” replied Eric.
“My fellow beings, let's take back what is yours and let's reduce the price of beer and free the land of Mayr!” I yelled.
My words were met with confusion and apathy but I think they got the gist of what I was trying to say.
+
Trudging through the forest as dusk began to fall, I felt anxious. An eerie presence had come our way and it was getting closer. This could only have been one thing – the infamous nocturnal beings. I started to panic, not knowing how we would get out of this one as we were slap bang in the middle of the forest. Not even our gnoman army could fight nocturnal beings off.
The anxiety grew stronger. Eric and Billy felt exactly the same way and Billy began to cry.
“What's wrong, Billy?” Wanda asked.
“I'm scared,” Billy replied, fighting back the tears.
“Don't worry, Billy,” Eric answered. “We'll find a way through this.”
The truth is I don't think Eric knew for sure whether we would get through it or not. There was no way of telling at that moment.
But then Wanda spoke, “are you talking about nocturnal beings?”
“Yes,” I replied while Eric put his arm over Billy's shoulder to comfort him. “Aren't you scared?”
Wanda then let off a hysterical laugh. An uncontrollable belly-laugh which, under any normal circumstances, would have been the most contagious cackle in the realm but, in our situation, I didn't feel this was the time or place to laugh.
“What are you laughing at?” I asked.
Wanda held her laugh for a few seconds, “I forgot to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I asked.
“Nocturnal beings are nothing,” she claimed.
“How can you say that?” Eric asked frowning at her. “Many a wizard and witch have been killed by the evil that lies in these forests at night.”
“Evil? Pfft,” answered Wanda. “I spent time in the human realm and know more than you think.”
“You know how to fight these creatures off?” I asked.
“Not fight them off,” said Wanda. “There's no need. They're common in the human realm and have never done any harm to anyone.”
“What?” I asked.
“Listen, the human realm is full of little creatures and animals which are perfectly harmless. What we know as nocturnal beings are known as 'badgers' in the human realm and they are as scared of us as you are of them,” claimed Wanda.
“What about the stories? The deaths?” asked Eric.
“What about the life being sapped away from me when we were last confronted by them?” I said.
“Just stories told by men to keep the rest of us out of the forests at night,” Wanda answered. “You, Percy, you were scared of the badger and that's what made you feel like you were going to die. The truth is, if you had stayed, nothing would have happened. I can't believe you didn't notice.”
I contemplated this for a few moments and then it all began to sink in. The elves had invented up these stories as a way to stop us from going through the forests through fear of a rising rebellion. If Wanda was right – and she was always right – then we had absolutely nothing to fear and the forests could be used to our advantage. If she was wrong, then we'd never be able to do anything about it.
+
Having been told about the lack of harm a nocturnal being – read badger – could do, I realised that the very experience I had not too long before was nothing more than an illusion. The stories I had listened to as a child had been believable enough and over the years, my fear grew so facing up a nocturnal being in the flesh, I succumbed to the fear and imagined my soul being sucked out of me like milkshake through a straw.
These badger things allowed themselves to be known to us although showed their fear from us. The second we made any noise, any close badger ran away as fast as it could. Wanda was indeed right. These little furry creatures were as fearful of our presence as we were of theirs beforehand.
We continued our journey through the forest and the gnomes were close behind
us. Their legs were carrying them as fast as they could and it was really quite amusing to watch the little cute former ceramic beings scuttling along like a stampede of little people. Even Brownbeard saw the amusement in the little ones.
As the sun came up, we could finally see the end of the forest and the meadow within which Old Winston's cottage stood. We walked up to the house with caution, not knowing how he would react and what traps were lying around in order to deter any intruders from getting any closer. I couldn't imagine an old retired alchemist having the most hospitable of personalities.
We arrived outside the door of Old Winston and came across a note on the door.
The note read:
'Out for lunch, back in 20.
For enquiries regarding potions and spells, please come back later.'
That was disappointing but knowing it wouldn't be too long, we took a seat next to an old rock in the meadow while Eric sat on the top of it telling his stories to anyone who'd listen. They were interesting stories, I'm sure. Billy was sat there in pure amazement at the bravery Eric had shown over the years and even Brownbeard was mildly amused but, of course, he'd done ten times more than that in his battles. The gnomes just stood there listening and taking in every word like they hadn't heard a spoken word for many a year before.
Wanda and I took a stroll around the meadow just taking in the smell of fresh air and flowers. That's how she described it but, to me, it smelt like hay fever. I sneezed.
“Why do men always think their stories are impressive?” Wanda asked me.
“I don't know,” I answered. “But why do you think all men are so bad?”
“I don't,” she replied. “But it's always the same. A 'fine lady' who falls in love with the hero of the story. Why isn't she given a choice? What if the princess doesn't want saving from her tower? A woman should never fall in love with the hero, she'd only play second fiddle in the rest of the story. A woman should be empowering and moving, a woman should be strong and determined. A 'fine lady' isn't a rational creature of intelligence.”
I just stared blankly into her big brown eyes as she continued the rest of her rant. I heard none of it and hoped she didn't ask any questions. Her poetic voice, her slightly unaligned eyes, her thick glasses magnifying those crossed eyes; just continue talking Wanda, I am listening.
“...and that's what I think of pets, don't you agree?” she finished.
“Erm... err...” I should have listened more but her voice was mesmerising.
“He's here,” shouted Brownbeard. “He's inside!”
Brownbeard had spotted Old Winston's chimney beginning to smoke so we knocked on the door with the hope he'd welcome a rebellion against the elves with open arms.
Three knocks, the standard greeting in Mayr.
“Who is it?” an old, croaky voice said through the door.
“The Rampaging Wizards,” Billy replied.
“Billy, shut up,” said Eric rolling his eyes. “We are friends, Old Winston. My name is Eric Grindstone. Can we come in?”
“All of you?” Old Winston asked, looking at the gnoman army.
“They'll stay outside. Billy, wait with them,” Brownbeard instructed.
Old Winston was a man of colour from the southern regions of Mayr. An ancient race of wizards and witches and the finest there ever was.
He let us into his tiny cottage. The exterior of the cottage was misleading. Behind the front door was a staircase leading downwards into what must have been a laboratory of the finest. Eric, Brownbeard, Wanda, and I found ourselves in a dark, damp room with lots of test tubes and bubbling colourful things – exactly as a science laboratory should be. It was at this moment that I was glad we'd left Billy outside to babysit the gnomes.
Old Winston took a seat behind an old-fashioned desk, “what can I help you with?” he said.
“Our plan is to bring down the elves once and for all,” Eric said.
“Have you got a name for your army?” asked Winston.
“What does a name have to do with it?” Eric asked.
“Every army in every quest has to have a name,” Winston replied. “Otherwise, it's hardly even a quest.”
“Indeed,” I answered. “We're the Wizards and Witch on a Rampage. And we're here to ask for your help.”
“Nice name,” Winston replied. “Can't say I've ever heard of a woman with a quest.”
“SEE!” exclaimed Wanda, nudging my arm.
Old Winston just looked at her and rolled his eyes before lighting a cigar and putting it out again after one puff.
“I have something for you,” said Winston as he walked to a cupboard at the back of the room.
He opened the cupboard and took out a bottle of green liquid and handed it to Eric.
“What's this?” Eric asked.
“Perfection is what it is,” answered Winston. “This liquid will bring you glory in whatever quest you set off on.”
“What does it do??” Wanda asked.
“It brings success in the quest,” said Winston. “Guard this with your lives, my friends, and consume it when the time is right.”
“Consume it?” I asked, surprised at this idea. “You want us to drink it?”
“Will it give us power?” asked Eric.
“No,” old Winston laughed. “It's absinthe. Everyone knows that every good story starts with a bottle of absinthe.”
“I've got many good stories which didn't involve absinthe,” claimed Eric.
“Sure,” replied Winston. “But imagine how much better they'd be if you had drunk absinthe before them.”
We gave up. This old man had obviously turned into nothing more than an old drunkard. He was too old to be practising alchemy in this day and age and had no energy remaining to help us bring down the elves.
“Don't you have anything... more... suitable?” I asked. “We've come all this way, battling away nocturnal beings to visit you today knowing that you would be the one man we could trust to help us bring down the oppressive force crushing the realm of Mayr. And we want to free Ecklewood and take magic to the humans.
“There's no point,” Winston answered with a saddened face. “It won't be any good.”
“We're also going to make sure the price of beer in Ecklewood comes down,” Wanda said.
“Aha! Why didn't you say so?” Winston said excitedly. “I have just the thing.”
Old Winston walked back to the cupboard where the absinthe was stored and pulled out a bottle of a similar size with a dark red liquid inside.
“What's this one?” Wanda asked.
“This one,” said Winston as he gazed into the dark bottle. “This one which will guarantee you success in your quest. All you need to do is drink it and you will see exactly how it will help you. You, Percy, must be the one who drinks this and you must guard it with your life.”
“What?” asked Brownbeard.
“Exactly what I said,” said Winston. “Now if there's nothing else, I have work to do.”
He ushered us towards the door with his hands in a hurry. Opening the door, I looked outside and found Billy and the gnomes playing a game of sorts. I'd never seen Billy happier than this. There was once a wizard called Larry and he was known to be the happiest wizard in all of Mayr, Billy was as happy as Larry at that moment. Such a big smile on his face.
+
Our army was stronger and we had potions to help us with our quest. A quest of a certain magnitude which would either get us killed or give us the freedom we craved and maybe drunken in the process.
We left the cottage and not a minute later we heard a series of explosions coming from the cottage behind us. Many profanities being used by Old Winston as he exited the cottage with a blackened face from a failed experiment. His cottage had black smoke billowing out into a pretty black mushroom cloud in the sky above. We all turned around to see him.
“What happened?” asked Eric.
“Eureka!” exclaimed Old Winston. “I am successful! The greatest scientist th
at has ever lived!”
“You call that successful?” Wanda said sarcastically. “Why do men think causing chaos is indicative of success?”
The rest of us ignored Wanda but I was intrigued by Old Winston's success. I'd known people to blow up their houses in the past but never known them to be happy about it.
“I have successfully created the most powerful potion any wizard has ever created. A potion to be reckoned with. A potion which will help us in our quest for fame and fortune,” Winston continued.
“What does it do?” I asked.
“See all that smoke and destruction there?” he said pointing to his falling apart cottage. “That was one drop.”
“One drop of what?” Brownbeard asked.
“One drop of this,” Winston pulled out a small bottle from under his robe and held it up to the sunlight, gazing wondrously into the thick black liquid. If a solitary drop caused the explosion at Old Winston's cottage then this amount of the liquid would blow up the whole of Mayr and tear a permanent hole in the fabric separating us from the human realm and probably a bit of a commotion in the human realm – certainly useful.
“Do you have a safer bottle to put it in?” Eric asked looking at the fragile bottle of the destructive potion.
“Look behind you, what do you think?” replied Winston. “All I have is what you see.”
“Wait,” I replied. “You said 'our' quest. Does this mean you'll join us?”
“Obviously,” he answered. “I've got nowhere else to go now. Don't mind do you?”
The rest of us looked at each other and Wanda was the first to react.
“Can we trust you?” she enquired. “And do you promise to treat all women equally from this moment on?”
“Women? Equal?” laughed Winston. “They have more rights than men these days!”
Wanda's eyes rolled but she begrudgingly agreed, “welcome aboard.”
“I guess I'll have to accept that we're the Wizards on a Rampage now,” said Wanda.
“What's brought this on?” I asked.
“Well, there are four wizards, a dwarf, and fifteen gnomes. I'm hardly a majority in the group and Wizards on a Rampage has a nice ring to it.”
