Thinking it was one of his brothers, he answered with a curt, “What!”
“Wow! Not quite the greeting I was expecting,” Savannah said with a chuckle. “How are you doing? Is Darcy making you crazy? Is that why you sound so snappish?”
Ben let out a ragged sigh as he raked a hand through his hair. “Nah. She’s not so bad. And she has some serious organizational skills. I let her loose on my office. Well, actually, she let herself loose on my office. I’m benefitting from the results.”
Savannah laughed. “Yeah, she has some serious skill in that department. But why would she organize your office?”
“She was bored, the office was a disaster, and I was out in the workshop,” he said and had to stop himself from thinking about everything that transpired after that.
“Oh, well, good for you,” she said finally.
“So, what’s up?”
“Your editor called to thank me for helping you finish the book.”
He cursed. “Sorry, I forgot to tell her that you weren’t the one doing it. I just saw an email and was about to get back to her.”
“You should. Still, you must be relieved to have it done and off your plate.”
For the next ten minutes, Ben talked about all he and Darcy had accomplished on the project. “It was kind of amazing how just getting the stuff organized and having basic conversation about the pieces helped me.”
“Like I said, she has some serious skill in that area, and I’m so glad she was able to help.”
“Thanks for sending her my way.” He couldn’t help but smile as he thought of all the ways he was thankful.
“I’m glad it all worked out.”
“I am too,” he agreed. “And hopefully I won’t have to think about it again for a while.”
“For a couple of months, I would think,” she commented. “Where’s Darcy at? Has she booked her flight home yet?”
“Um, I don’t think so.”
Savannah was silent for a moment. “Well, that’s odd.”
Ben cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. “Really?” he croaked. “Um, why?”
“Well, flights should be back to normal. So what’s the delay?” Gone was the lightness of a moment ago, and maybe it was Ben’s imagination, but he got the hint of an accusation there.
So he did what he’d been doing for the last few minutes.
He lied.
“It’s kind of my fault.”
“Oh. Really?”
“Uh, yeah. The plows don’t get up here right away, so the roads only got cleared yesterday. And then the temperatures have been brutal, so it’s still pretty slick. I don’t mind driving in the snow up and down the mountain, but ice is another story. So I’m waiting for the roads to be safer. And I’m in the middle of finishing a sculpture, and you know how much I hate to be interrupted while I’m working.”
Silence.
“So, um, yeah. My fault. If you’d like, I’ll talk to her about it tonight and get her flight booked, and then I’ll call you and let you know. Or I’ll let her call you and tell you. Or I can email it to you so you have her itinerary. You know, whatever you want.”
“Ben?”
“Huh?”
“You’re rambling. You never ramble. What’s going on?” She paused. “Oh my God!”
Oh no.
“Oh my God!” she repeated.
Shit. She’d figured it out. How the hell was he supposed to explain himself or ever face Savannah—or Riley—again?
“You threw her out, didn’t you?” Savannah said, interrupting his thoughts. “She totally made you crazy with her chatter and changing your office around, and you kicked her out! Dammit, Ben! I trusted you!” She let out a growl of frustration. “Riley is going to freak out.” Then she cursed. “So where is she? Is she at the hotel where she stayed when she first flew in? Dammit, I know I have the number around here somewhere.”
He wished he could go along with her theory, but he couldn’t.
“I didn’t throw her out, Savannah. I wouldn’t do that.”
“Then I’m confused.”
Join the club.
How the hell was he supposed to explain himself—them—to Savannah?
“Ben?”
“The truth is,” he began slowly, “I don’t know…I kind of like hanging out with her.” He paused. “We have a lot in common.”
Silence.
“I spend so much time working and being alone that it’s been nice having someone to talk to,” he went on. “And Darcy didn’t have anything to rush home to, so I guess there wasn’t any urgency for her to leave.”
“Oh, well, okay,” Savannah replied. “I guess I can see that.”
Crisis averted.
“Can I ask you a favor?” she said hesitantly.
“Anything.”
“Talk to her about her career and her future. Maybe talking with someone who isn’t family will make her feel better. It might be good to talk to someone who has his shit together and isn’t related to her. She won’t look at you as trying to control her or tell her what to do. Maybe you can, you know, guide her. Like you did for your brothers.”
“I don’t think—”
“No! It’s perfect. Trust me. She’s always felt that her brothers were overprotective and that they don’t take her seriously. And most of her friends are, well, they’re young and not focused, and they’re all struggling with finding their way like she is. So someone like you, who’s accomplished so much and helped his siblings in a noncontrolling way, would be the perfect choice. Please.Please say you’ll do it.”
“Savannah, you have no idea what you’re asking.”
“Yes, I do. I trust you, Ben. You’re one of the good guys,” Savannah said confidently. “Sometimes the people who help the most are the ones with the least connection. Does that make sense?”
“I guess, but—”
“She’s already there with you, and you know if she isn’t agreeable to anything you say, she’ll be leaving in a couple of days. C’mon, Ben. Do this for me.”
Sighing, Ben sank lower in his chair.
“Only for you, Savannah,” he said. “You’re the only one I’d do this for.”
“You’re full of it. Deep down, I think you’re a softie. You prefer to look like a hard-ass to the rest of the world. But I know the real you. You should embrace the real you more often.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
“I have to go. Aislynn’s on the move, and when it gets quiet for too long, I panic. Go and share your wisdom with my girl.”
“I will.” But there wasn’t much power behind his words.
“Ben, promise me you’re going to talk to her.”
“Okay, okay.”
“Say it. Say you promise me,” she prompted.
“I promise, Savannah,” he said softly.
“Thank you.”
“Sure. No problem.”
He hung up, placed the phone on the desk, and heard a sound behind him.
Turning, he saw Darcy standing in the doorway, looking more than a little devastated.
It took all of three seconds for him to realize what she must have heard and how it must have sounded to her.
“Darcy, I—”
She swallowed hard. “I…I’m sorry. I wanted to see if you had something in mind for lunch. I was thinking of making some soup.” She looked away, as if she couldn’t stand to look at him. “But, um, you can let me know when you’re done. Sorry.”
As soon as she turned to walk away, Ben jumped up. “Darcy, wait.” But she was already running up the stairs. He took them two at a time and caught her at the top. “Wait,” he said more emphatically as he reached out and grasped her arms.
“What?” she snapped, her eyes full of defiance.
Hell, he wasn’t e
ven sure what to say. He was about ninety-nine percent certain she was upset because he was talking to Savannah, but what if he was wrong? Did he want to bring that topic up again?
“What’s going on?” he asked instead.
Rolling her eyes, Darcy yanked out of his grasp and gave a mirthless laugh. “Seriously? That’s what you’re asking me?”
Ben raked a hand through his hair and cursed the fact that women needed to come with instruction manuals.
“Look, can we skip the whole dancing around part of this and you tell me what I did that has pissed you off?”
She crossed her arms as she did her best to level him with a glare. “Who said I’m pissed off? I asked you about lunch.” She shrugged. “And I apologized for interrupting you. Why don’t you tell me what has you all riled up?”
Best. Opening. Ever.
Taking a step toward her, he almost smiled when her cocky expression faltered a bit. Good. “I’m riled up because I had to take a phone call from my brother and deal with shit that I don’t want to deal with. I had to listen to the guilt trip about why I should be embracing Christmas, and I don’t want to. It’s bullshit. I hate the holiday. The whole damn thing. And I wish he’d leave me alone about it. And when I thought I was done, I got an email from my other brother, who sent me a list of all the reasons I need to spend Christmas with them and ended it by calling me a grinch. That one I ignored, but it annoyed me.” He took another step toward her as she moved away.
“Then I got an email from my editor about the book. I guess they were tired of waiting to hear from me, because they reached out to Savannah. I had originally told them she would be the one helping me and never notified them it would be you. So she called to let me know they had called to thank her. I took a few minutes to talk to your sister-in-law, who thought I must have thrown you out because you weren’t on your way home yet!” When she started to comment, he stopped her. “And just when I was done with that, when I was looking forward to coming up here and seeing you—you!—you show up and look at me like I killed your dog or something.” He paused. “So is that enough for me to be riled up about, or do you have something to add to it?”
“I made bacon chocolate chip cookies,” she said weakly, and he knew she was trying to change the subject. “I found a small bag of chocolate chips in the back of the pantry.”
Unable to help himself, he muttered a curse as he stepped away from her. Raking a hand through his hair, he didn’t know whether to keep yelling or kiss her.
At least she had the good sense to look mildly ashamed. Her arms dropped to her sides as she grabbed onto one of the kitchen chairs. “Why do you hate Christmas?” she asked softly. She was staring at the floor as she asked, and her whole body had gone from confident and defiant to meek.
It almost made Ben feel bad.
Reaching out, he took her by the hand, led her into the living room, and sat them both on the couch. Darcy rebelled and tried to move away from him, but Ben held firm and kept her close to his side, sliding his arm around her.
“I love my brothers. I really do.” He knew he wasn’t directly answering her question, but at the same time, she needed to know the history behind it.
“But?”
“But they lead very different lives than I do. Jack’s an accountant, and Henry’s an IT guy. They wear suits to work and make conference calls and have 401(k) plans. I don’t particularly understand what they do or how they deal with the nine-to-five thing, but it’s what they love, and I don’t argue it with them. They, however, feel the need to argue with me over how I live.”
“Really? Isn’t what you do the reason they could finish school? And therefore have the careers they love?”
Ben couldn’t help but chuckle. Leave it to Darcy to put it so bluntly.
“Pretty much. And it’s not like they begrudge what I do. They’ve always been very supportive of my career. It’s how I live that they have an issue with.”
“Why do people do that?” she asked. “What gives anyone the right to tell anyone else how to live?”
“Speaking from experience?”
Looking up at him, she gave him a small smile. “Maybe.”
Ben went on to tell her what he and Jack had talked about. “I guess I can understand his frustration, but our parents died two weeks before Christmas. I can’t…I can’t fathom celebrating a holiday that is a direct reminder of losing the two most important people in our lives,” he said with a detachment that he didn’t quite feel. When he’d talked to his brother about this, Ben had been able to talk about it as if he was just stating random facts. But sitting here with Darcy and talking about it? His heart was beating wildly, and he felt sick to his stomach.
“How is it right for us to celebrate?” he asked harshly, letting his emotions take over. “What gives us the right to go on and be happy and…and exchange gifts when they’ll never get to do that again? Maybe my brothers can justify it, but I can’t. My mother used to love Christmas. She loved to decorate and bake and…” He paused. “I can’t do it. I won’t do it.”
This time when she made to move away from him, he let her.
“So you haven’t celebrated Christmas since?”
He nodded again.
“Wow.”
He waited for her to expand on that, but she didn’t.
“That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” he asked when he couldn’t take the silence anymore.
Her shoulders relaxed a bit, and she twisted around so she could face him head-on. “Everyone handles grief in their own way, Ben. It’s not for anyone to tell you—or for you to tell your brothers—how they should do it.”
Well, damn. That kind of made sense.
“My mom died when I was a baby.”
His heart ached for her. Reaching out, he took one of her hands in his and held it.
“I was too young to remember her,” she went on quietly. “My whole life, people have shown me pictures and told me stories about her, but it’s hard to feel a connection to her. I wish I did, but I don’t.” She paused. “My brothers are still struggling with losing her, even after all these years, and they each handle it in different ways. Sometimes I listen to them talk about things they did as a family before I came along, and it makes me feel awkward and alone. Like there was this whole other family that I never got to be a part of. There are times when it really makes me angry, and other times, it’s like I feel nothing.”
“Darcy, I don’t even know what to say.”
She shrugged again. “There’s nothing you can say. You didn’t know,” she said mildly. “Every year on her birthday, the anniversary of her death, holidays, we make this family trip to the cemetery. I put flowers down, but it’s weird to me. I know that I love her. I mean, she’s my mom. But at the same time, how can I love someone I didn’t know? Does that make sense?”
“I honestly don’t know.”
She sighed. “She loved Christmas—everyone who ever met my mom will tell you that—so I know I get that from her. And my love of baking. So there’s a bunch of stuff that we have in common, and people compare us, but it’s like being compared to a distant relative I’ve never met. I get asked if I miss her, and what am I supposed to say? Of course, I miss her. I wish she hadn’t died and left me. I wish I had known her and had her here to guide me and watch me grow up. I love my dad and my brothers, but they don’t get me. I like to think that my mom would have.”
Then he pulled her in close again and held her. He felt her tears through his shirt and wished there was something he could do or say to take away her pain.
“People look at me and think I don’t grieve,” she said, her voice going quiet again. “I don’t cry in front of them. I don’t get sad when I talk about her. At least not most of the time. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the loss of her.” She sniffled and curled up closer to him. “Basically what I’m saying is
, don’t be so hard on your brothers. Just because they’re not grieving the same way as you doesn’t mean they’re not grieving at all.”
Placing a kiss on the top of her head, he sighed. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For putting that in a way I could honestly understand. For so long, I was angry with them and thought I was right to feel that way. You proved to me that my way of thinking isn’t the only way. So thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Are we okay?” he asked carefully.
She sighed again. “I guess we’re both guilty of jumping to conclusions, huh?”
He chuckled and kissed her again. “Clearly, we are much too much alike.”
“No such thing,” she said with a small laugh of her own.
Ben reached down, tucked a finger under her chin, and guided her face up to his. “It’s a good thing, right?”
She nodded. “A very good thing.”
But there was a bit of hesitation, a wariness in her eyes that told him there was still something more to deal with.
“It makes me sad that you don’t think you deserve to celebrate Christmas,” she said softly, her hand caressing his temple. “I don’t think it’s what your parents would want for you.”
Closing his eyes, Ben took a minute to compose his thoughts, because his first instinct was to lash out again. When he opened his eyes and looked at her, he could only state the truth. “It may not be, but it’s what I want for myself. What I need for myself.”
Sadness. Her entire face was one of sadness, and as much as he wanted to take that away, to see her smile and hear her laugh, he knew he couldn’t do it this time. This was who he was, and if he was able to accept it about himself, then she would need to as well.
Maybe the timing was off. Maybe he should wait, but she was so close and so warm and pliant in his arms that Ben couldn’t wait any longer to taste her, to kiss her properly. He was lowering his head when he heard a phone ring in a tone he hadn’t heard before. Darcy instantly moved out of his embrace and stood.
“That’s my dad’s ringtone,” she said as she scurried across the room to get her phone. “Hey, Dad!”
Ben sat and felt mildly frustrated. Not that he begrudged her talking to her family, but he had been looking forward to kissing her and then taking her to bed. Technically, they’d had a fight, and he was completely on board for some makeup sex.
Holiday Spice Page 16
