"No! This is not about me. I did not meet someone, so wipe that smile off your face and stop planning my damn wedding."
"Then what's this all about?" Quinn asks.
"Tyson."
"What?" I squeak as Quinn chokes on her wine.
"What about Tyson? Is there something you aren't telling me, Harley? Because if that’s the case, then I’m totally pissed at you right now."
"No!" I reply, shaking my head. "I don't know what Levi's talking about. Tyson and I talked the other night outside the bar, but you both know that. I told you what was said, and then we talked again..." My words trail off and I can’t help the small smile that begins to form when I remember the tea that Tyson bought and left for me at work the other day.
"When?" Quinn prods when I don’t continue. "When did you talk again?"
"At work," I answer softly. "We talked at work." My eyes bounce between her and Levi, waiting to see who is going to react first.
"Whoa! Back up a minute," Quinn says, setting her wineglass down and scooting forward in the chair. "You and Tyson work together?" Nodding my head, I turn to Levi and find him watching me curiously. His eyes are soft and caring and maybe a little...hopeful? I'm so confused right now.
"Yes. He is doing his residency in the ER and I float. We ran into each other the other day."
"Wow. Um. Okay. But you guys already agreed to try the whole friendship thing again, so why does that put a halt to things with you?" Quinn asks, directing her question to Levi.
“Yeah, Levi. What does Tyson being home have to do with us? Are you having blue balls? Is this because I left you unsatisfied the other—”
Quinn grips the side of her head and covers her ears. “Gah! Blah, blah, blah...TMI, Harley. TMI!”
“Nooo..." Levi drags out. “This doesn’t have to do with us because there is no ‘us,’ remember?” Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Quinn lowering her hands.
“Yes, I remember," I answer sarcastically. "But I’m still curious. Why, Levi?”
“Because that boy is head over heels in love with you,” he answers, matter-of-fact. Quinn and I both gasp. The only difference is that she has a huge goofy smile on her face and I don’t.
“What?" I ask, pushing up from the couch. "He is not! He’s only been home for a week, and we’ve only talked twice. How would you...what makes you...”
“I’m a guy, Harley, and I saw the way he looked at you when you walked into the bar the other night. It wasn’t an oh-there’s-my-old-friend-Harley kind of look. It was more of a there’s-the-other-half-of-my-soul kind of look.”
“Oh, it was not!”
“Uh, yeah, it kind of was, Harley. The boy looked at you like you were water and he hadn’t had a drink in forty days!”
“Quinny. NO,” I reply firmly.
“Not only that, but you should’ve seen his face when you ran out and I told him to stay put because I was going to go after you,” Levi says, shaking his head. “Jesus Christ, I thought he was going to pulverize me!”
I've had enough. “Okay, you guys are fuckin’ crazy!" I say, throwing my hands up in the air. "First, I’m over it. Been there, tried that. He wasn’t interested. Second, he has a girlfriend, remember?”
Levi cocks his head and looks at me curiously. “You guys really haven’t talked much, have you?”
“NO! I told you that! We’ve barely talked at all. Why? What do you know that I don’t? Have you talked to him?" Quinn must sense my increasing level of anxiety because she reaches over and hands me her full wine glass.
God bless you, Quinn. She should really just go grab the whole damn bottle.
“Actually, I have," he answers cautiously, leaning his elbows on his knees. "We’ve talked a few times since he came home, including when he came into the restaurant last night. We had a late dinner after he got done with his shift." Levi eyes me warily, obviously unsure how I'll react.
This whole conversation has my head spinning. I can’t let myself go there. I can’t let myself hope for something that I know will never happen. I’ve done this once before. I’ve already laid everything out on the line, putting my heart on the chopping block, and the end result was devastating.
“Do you want to know what we talked about?" he asks, looking down at the ground and then up at me.
“Hmm? What? No." Right? I don’t want to know. Do I?
“I do," Quinn says excitedly.
Crap. Quinn is looking at me with hopeful eyes, her hands folded under her chin in a perfect imitation of Max, and Levi is staring at me. Damn Levi and his unreadable baby blues.
I sigh and fall back on the couch. “Fine. I give in. Tell me.” Actually, I need a drink for this. Picking up my wine glass, I open my throat and down the entire glass. “Okay. Now I’m ready.”
“You. We talked about you,” he says and I feel my stomach plunge.
Okay, maybe I’m not ready.
Because it doesn’t matter what they talked about or what was said. I’ve got to keep reminding myself that nothing Tyson says will change anything.
Nothing.
Zilch.
Nada.
“Well..." Quinn pleads, urging Levi to continue.
Pushing the magazines to the end of the coffee table, Levi makes a spot for himself and sits down, facing me. “We talked about everything, really. I don’t think I ever told you this, but he and I kept in touch off-and-on over the past five years. During that time, he didn’t really ask about you at all. In fact, he avoided any and all conversation that could have led to your name being mentioned.”
I flinch at his unexpected words; they're a complete slap in the face. It’s hard to imagine that I upset Tyson that much. Did I seriously hurt him so badly that he couldn’t stand the thought of even hearing my name? Swallowing hard, I work to keep my emotions in check, but I can’t prevent the small quiver that starts in my chin or the sting in my eyes as tears form.
“Please don’t cry.” Reaching out, Levi grasps my hands in his and Quinn moves to wrap her arm around my back. “I’m not telling you this to upset you," he soothes. "I’m telling you this because he told me why he acted like that, and I think it's something you need to know.”
I wipe away the few tears that manage to escape. “He did?” I ask, unable to control the shakiness of my voice.
Levi takes a deep breath and blows it out harshly. “I’m not sure I should be telling you this, but I can’t not tell you."
Burying my face in my hands, I try to prepare myself for what's about to come out of Levi's mouth.
Please. Please. Please don't let this break me.
"Harley." Levi’s voice is gentle as he removes my hands from my face before lifting my chin so that he can look me in the eye. "He came back for you...five years ago, he came back for you."
“Oh my God!" Quinn gasps, bringing her hand to her mouth. At the same time, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding.
“What? What do you mean he came back for me?" I ask quickly. My mind works to process what exactly he’s trying to say. One tear trickles down the side of my cheek and then another and another.
"Sweetheart, I don't know all of the details. Maybe someday Tyson will tell you everything, but he asked to have dinner with me last night because he wanted to tell me what happened when he did come home." I know Levi is trying to take his time and make sure that I'm okay, but right now I just really need him to spit it out. I wipe away my excess tears and raise my eyebrows at him, silently pleading with him to keep going.
He takes a deep breath and rubs his hand across his mouth. "He came back four weeks after Dallas' funeral, Harley. He came by your house, but he never did talk to you because he thought you had moved on."
No. Why would he think that?
I rub my forehead, eyebrows squished together, and stare at the ground. "I don't unders—" Oh my God. My chest tightens as realization dawns.
We fought two weeks before Dallas died, and he came back a month after the funeral. That m
eans he came back...Oh God. Six weeks later. He came back six weeks later. My head starts shaking on its own accord and a sob rips from my throat as the memories flood my mind.
My fingers curl inward, tightly gripping my hair. I'm numb. Completely numb. I tug harder, needing to feel something—anything. Rocking my body back and forth, a small groan escapes my mouth.
This isn't happening.
This can't be happening.
Please let this be a dream. Please.
Pulling my head out of my hands, I turn my tear-streaked face up to the sky and contemplate what in the hell I ever did to deserve this. I've always been a kind person; I've always gone out of my way to help people and serve the community. I've gone to church every Sunday and I've never gotten into trouble. I did everything I was supposed to do. I graduated high school and finished all four years of college. I don't understand what I did wrong.
"Please say something." The heat from his breath caresses my cheek. He's been so quiet that I actually forgot he was even sitting next to me. Turning my head, I lock eyes with his and allow the anger that consumes me to pour out.
"What do you want me to say, Levi? What the fuck did I do to deserve this?" I don't mean to snap at him, but I can't help it. I wish he would just fucking leave and let me handle this on my own.
I stand up and start pacing the length of the porch, trying anything that might expel all of this energy coursing through me. Tilting my head back, I stare at the dark, star-speckled sky.
"Where the fuck were you when I needed you?" I shout, allowing my soul to expel six weeks worth of pain. "You fucking abandoned me! It wasn't bad enough that I was RAPED? I was FUCKING RAPED! WAS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!" My voice cracks on the last word, the tightness building up and clogging my throat.
Goddamn. Why am I so fucking numb? I clench my fists, allowing my nails to bite into my skin, desperate to feel something...anything. I squeeze my eyes closed, releasing a fresh batch of tears and scream. I scream at everything...and nothing.
Why am I still crying? Don't people run out of tears after a certain amount of time? Was six weeks not enough time for my well to run dry?
"Harley, please. Please calm down," Levi soothes. He scoots closer, pulling me to him but I jerk away.
I don't want his goddamn pity.
“I know you're scared but we'll get through this. I promise." His voice is quiet, and even though I just pulled away, he still reaches out to rub my arm. “Please don't lose your faith in God. We're going to need him now more than ever." His eyes roam my face cautiously.
Is he fucking kidding me? My eyes snap to his, anger and annoyance rolling off of me in waves.
"God," I scoff. "There is no fucking God. If there was, he wouldn't have let this happen."
Levi grips my hand tightly in his. He's done that a lot lately, and I welcome the warmth that his touch brings to my cold soul.
"Harley, I know that this might not be the path that you would've chosen for yourself, but you were put on it for a reason. You can do th—"
"Path?" I yell, yanking my hands from his. "You think this is my goddamn path? You think this was my fucking fate?"
Leaning forward, he runs a shaky hand over his face. "Yes. I do," he says hesitantly. “I know this is the last thing in the world that you want right now and I know that the circumstances aren't exactly ideal, but Harley take a step back and think about this. Think about what's grow—"
My cheeks burn and my body starts trembling as shame washes through me. "Jesus Christ, Levi! You don't think I know what's growing inside of me? Because I do. I know." I snort humorlessly, batting away another batch of tears. I can't be happy about this. He can't expect me to be happy about this. Right? Who in their right fucking mind could ever see the good in this?
"What's growing inside of me is the spawn of an evil bastard," I hiss, inhaling sharply at my first verbal acknowledgement of my pregnancy. The reality of my words sinks in, and the thought of having a baby brings me crashing down to a new low.
Fuck! Where the hell is my fucking rock bottom? I need to see a goddamn light somewhere in here. I can't have a baby. I don't want THIS baby.
Uncontrollable sobs wrack my body and my lungs fight the screams that have been clawing to get out. Levi wraps his arms around me tightly and simply holds me. Bringing my hands up between us, I fist them in the front of his shirt and anchor myself to the one person that has kept me from taking a flying leap out of this god-forsaken life.
I'm not sure how long he holds me. Minutes...maybe hours. Yet I still can't find the solace that I'm searching for.
"I c-can't...I d-don't want to d-d-do th-this," I choke out between sobs. "H-how can I e-e-ever love a b-baby that I d-d-don't even w-want?" Levi continues to rub soft circles up and down my back in a consistent rhythm, attempting to calm the tremors that have overwhelmed my body.
"You will love this baby,” he soothes, “because that's who you are, Harley." He pulls back, cupping my tear-stained cheeks in his hands without dislodging my tight grip from his shirt. "You will love this baby because he...or she...is a part of you. And you, Harley, are the most amazing woman I've ever known." I don't reply, simply because I just don't agree with him. I hang my head, not wanting him to see the shame on my face. I'm not amazing, I'm horrible. I'm disgusted at the thought of my unborn child, and that alone makes me a monster.
Gripping his shirt tighter, I move as close to Levi as I can get. I need the close contact right now. I need to crawl inside of him and absorb all of the warmth and love that he has showered me with over the past month. I need to absorb his unwavering faith. Burying my face in his neck, I inhale the warm scent that has become a second home to me.
"Please don't leave me," I beg, my voice cracking.
His lips are soft against the side of my head. "Never. I'll never leave you."
Pulling back, I stare at the man who literally picked me up off the ground after my brutal attack. The man who sat with me at the hospital while I had rocks dug out of the side of my face. The man who has held me and wiped away my tears countless times since that horrible night. The man who has shown me over and over again what it means to love someone, even if that love is one of friendship.
My hand is surprisingly steady as I run it up his neck and grip his jaw in my palm. I graze his bottom lip softly with my thumb and lean in, placing my lips gently against his while maintaining eye contact.
Tilting his head, he pulls back. "Harley, I—" He shakes his head slowly as if trying to comprehend what I'm doing. I can't help him out, because I don't even understand what I'm doing.
A single tear runs down the side of my face. "Please, Levi...just..." My eyes bounce between his mouth and his eyes several times.
Leaning forward, he lays a gentle kiss to one side of my mouth and then the other, halting my words. Pulling back again, he watches me warily for only a brief second before his lips descend on mine in a kiss so sweet and gentle that for the first time in the past six weeks, I have hope that maybe—just maybe—I will survive this.
"I don't know what I'd do without you," I whisper against his mouth.
"You'll never find out, sweet girl. Never."
"Levi, please tell me he didn't—"
"No," he interrupts gently. "He didn't hear anything. From what I could gather, he pulled up outside your parents’ house in time to see you wrapped in my arms. He saw us kiss, which is why he ultimately left without talking to you."
I can't believe this. "I don't understand. Why didn't he try harder? Why didn’t he talk to me about it? Why did he cut me out of his life for the next five years? Even if he thought I’d moved on, that still doesn't explain why—"
Levi runs his hand through his hair. "I honestly don't know, Harley. Maybe that's something you will have to ask him."
Quinn clears her throat and looks at me, and then over at Levi curiously. "Wait a minute. I don't understand. You guys didn't start your 'thing' until Max was two. Did it start the night you found out you were
pregnant?"
"No," Levi and I reply at the same time.
"Crap,” I murmur, rubbing my hands over my face. "I don't know what came over me that night...I don't even know how to try and explain it. I was so scared and devastated and...just numb. I was completely numb. And if it weren’t for Levi..." Looking up, I reach out and grip Levi's hand in mine. "It was just a reaction. I don't know how or why, but it just felt like the right thing to do."
I look at Quinn and smile. "But to answer your question, no, nothing officially started the night I found out I was pregnant with Max. Levi and I talked a few days later, and we agreed that I had reacted out of emotion and that neither one of us felt anything for each other."
Quinn fails miserably at trying to mask the hurt in her eyes. She thinks I lied to her.
“Quinny, I didn’t tell you about the kiss because it wasn’t important. You know I’d never lie to you about something like that.”
“I know." She sighs, giving me a sad smile as she reaches for her wine glass and takes a small sip. “So that’s it?" she asks Levi. “That’s all he said at dinner, just that he came back for her?”
“No,” Levi replies. There’s that damn smirk again. “He wanted to ask me if you and I are together.”
This doesn’t change anything.
This can't change anything.
“Well...what’d you tell him?”
“What do you think I told him?" he asks, giving me a classic that-was-a-stupid-question look. "No. I told him no. I told him that he was a fucking idiot for not talking to you five years ago and that he completely misunderstood what he saw. I told him we aren’t together and we never have been.”
“Did you tell him that you’ve slept with her...more than once?" Quinn asks with a gleam in her eye.
Levi stands and stretches his arms above his head. “First of all, you two talk too damn much. I don’t even want to know what all you know,” he says, waving his hand toward Quinn. She looks at me and winks, effectively decreasing the tension in the room. “Second...hell no. It’s not my place." He turns his gaze to me. "If you choose to tell him about us someday—which I’m certain you will—then that’s your choice. I’d never tell him something like that without talking to you about it first.”
Where We Belong Page 7
