by Erin Hayes
“He’s married now to Jessica Croft. You may have heard of her.”
Her eyebrows raise up in surprise. “I’ve even talked to her.” She crosses her arms and sits back. “That’s so unexpected. And I never thought that Eric would settle down. He was a bit wild. Like Henry.”
“Well, Eric is now the crown prince,” I tell her slowly, waiting for her reaction. “Henry’s engaged.” This next part hurts to say. “And he just had a baby.”
She blanches and her eyes get a distant look in them. “A baby?”
I nod, feeling like shit for bringing it up. But I don’t want to keep secrets from her. And it was bound to come up at some point during our chat. “A girl.”
She closes her eyes. “What’s her name?”
“Elizabeth.” It was the name we were going to name our daughter, after my mother.
She lets out a breath, opens her eyes, and gives a grim nod. “I’m glad,” she says softly. She peers at me. “And you?”
A lump forms in my throat. “I’m not married or seeing anyone.”
She casts her eyes down, and her hands are clasped, but she’s fiddling with the engagement ring. “I’m sorry.”
Now I’m not sure what she’s apologizing for. But maybe I don’t want to find out. “And you?”
Her hands stop fidgeting, and she places them flat against her thighs, as if that’s the only thing that will keep them still. “I’m engaged myself.”
I force a smile. “Congratulations. Do I know this guy?”
“James Blanchett. He’s a senator from Oregon. We met in Washington.”
Shit. I’d actually heard that name before, even all the way over in Dubreva, where American politics feel like they’re their own distant mess. But James Blanchett, while young and not that experienced in politics, has stood out from all the other politicians that may have found their way into the media overseas. I’ve seen pictures of him, a tall, handsome man with an easy, disarming smile. The newspapers consider him to be in the running for the President of the United States in the next election.
I agree.
So now I’m staring at who could possibly be the next First Lady of the United States. Alexandra needn’t have worried about whether or not she’d get to make a difference in the world—she most definitely will. And I know Alexandra well enough to know that she didn’t pick James to climb the social ladder. But damn, if she didn’t choose a powerful man to marry.
“You look like you’ve heard of him before,” she says softly.
I nod. “And I can’t help but think how lucky of a guy he is.”
Fuck. I shouldn’t have said that.
Her face falls. “Ferdinand…”
I straighten up, and I rapidly try to think about what I can do to take back my comment. “And from what I know of him, you’re a lucky woman, too. He’s been making a lot of good changes in Washington.”
“I know.” She swirls and drinks her wine. I do the same just to put something in my mouth so I’m not spouting off bullshit like I just did.
She shifts her position to face me, crossing one of her legs underneath her. “What has been happening in your life?” she asks.
I swallow the liquid in my mouth. Hard. “Not much,” I say honestly.
“Surely there’s more to it than that,” she says.
Not really. But I try, just to appease her. I take another sip of wine.
“I was in the Dubrevian Air Force for eight years. Saw battle in Afghanistan and Iraq. I was discharged when an IED went off and I got shrapnel in my shoulder.” I look down at the liquid in my glass. “Came back. Finished up my medical degree. And now I’m a psychiatrist in Dubreva.”
She listens to me with her head cocked, the way she always did when we were younger when she was listening intently. “A psychiatrist?”
“Yes.” I take out my wallet and hand her my business card. She examines the card, which I know says FERDINAND SPENCER DI’VALE, MD PSYCHIATRIST on an official-looking card. She glances back at me. “You always wanted to help people.”
“Same as you,” I reply. “Just in a different way, it sounds like.”
She smiles. “Perhaps.”
After that initial awkwardness, we fall into an easier conversation, talking about what we’ve been up to for the past fifteen years. I find that I get into more of a groove when I’m talking to her. That her smiles come more frequently and that they’re bigger when they do. I find that I’m doing the same as well.
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be between us.
We can’t ever go back to the way we were. There are too many emotional wounds between us, and I can’t even begin to figure out how to repair them. But perhaps I will be all right with this. Perhaps having a friend like Alexandra in my life is better than not having her in it at all.
Time passes. I’ve made a good decision in having a tab at the bar because I get some more drinks without having to take too much time away from her. Lex gets more and more easygoing as we talk, and the tension leaves her. Like a weight is lifted off both of us.
At one point, it feels like we’re eighteen again. Like nothing ever happened between us. She smiles more readily. Her body language changes, like she’s a butterfly emerging from a cocoon.
She’s beautiful. And I feel like this side of her doesn’t come out as much as it should. Which is a shame. She deserves to be happy.
Even if it’s not with me.
Her phone goes off, and she picks it up. Her eyebrows raise in surprise. “Shit, it’s late.”
It is? I take out my own phone as she answers hers. Fucking hell, it’s nearly midnight. We’ve been talking for nearly four hours, but it seems like we’ve only just arrived.
“Hey,” Lex says, her cheeks flushing scarlet as she casts her gaze my way. She licks her lips. “No, no, just hanging out with some friends.”
Hearing her hesitation and staccato answers catches my attention as I shift to pocket my phone.
“Yes, it’s about midnight.” Lex rubs at the space between her eyebrows. “Time got away from us. I’m at my hotel, so I just need to go up to my room.” Then her expression softens. “Yes. Yes, I will. Love you, too.”
Love. She used the word love with the person she’s talking to. It must be James. Her fiancé.
The man in the role I used to play in her life.
She hangs up the phone and stares into space for a moment before clasping her hands together. “We should call it a night.”
No. I’m not ready to say good-bye. We said good-bye once and it was fifteen years before I saw her again. Could I handle waiting so long before seeing her again?
But I can’t say that. I can’t tell her that I want her to stay with me. I swallow thickly. “Right. That’s probably a good idea.”
It sure doesn’t feel like it.
She gets to her feet and slips her arm through her handbag. I stand as well, my etiquette training taking over. She smooths her skirt with one hand. “Thank you for a lovely night, Ferdie.”
Fuck, I don’t think I can walk away. “Yes.”
She searches my face. And then she gives me a small smile. “It was great seeing you.”
Yes. “Likewise.” A moment of panic hits me. “Can I see you again?” I blurt it out desperately, and her expression falls.
“Ferdie…”
“Right.” I give a nod in an attempt to mask my disappointment. “You’re right.”
“It’s not that. It’s just…” She averts her eyes. “I feel like you want to pick up where we left off, and...it’s just not possible anymore. We’re different people now than when we were eighteen. I don’t want to live in the past.”
Neither do I. I want to live in the present and future. I just wish she were by my side.
15
Alexandra
I want to go home.
The first few months here in Dubreva have been horrible. Daddy took me to our house, which is more of an old castle than a house, and I don't ever get to see him
, because he's always off working. I thought we had moved to Dubreva to be closer as a family after everything.
Apparently not.
The nannies keep me with the princes that I met when we first landed here. I didn't think I'd be spending much time with them, but we have private tutors that teach us our schoolwork. I never thought I'd say it, but I miss school. I used to go to school back in Stockholm, and I had lots of friends there.
Here, there are only four princes who look at me like I'm an outsider.
I'm the only girl, and I can tell that they don't like me here. Henry and Eric are pretty funny, even if they’re much younger. They pull pranks when the tutor aren't looking, and I've learned not to giggle or tattle on them. Because when I do, they get in trouble, and they get back by pulling the pranks on me. I've learned that I don't want to be on their bad side.
So I just keep to myself as much as possible. Prince Phillip seems all right. He's the tutor's pet, always being the first to raise his hand, and he always gives the right answers before Ferdinand and me.
And then there's Ferdinand, the prince that looked at me like I was the worst thing he'd ever seen. And since that first day that we met, it hasn't gotten any better. Instead, he just frowns after me and makes gross faces whenever I say anything.
I don't know what I did to him. Well, except call him "Ferdie," which Henry and Eric are calling him now, and I'm sure he doesn't like that.
Me and my big mouth.
"--dra? Alexandra?"
I blink at my name and turn my head toward the tutor, who has apparently been trying to get my attention while I've been trying to figure out why Ferdinand doesn't like me so much. I clasp my hands on my desk and smile weakly. "I'm sorry, Miss Ricci."
The tutor sighs. "Have you been listening to anything I just said?"
I bite my bottom lip. "Um..."
Behind me, Eric and Henry snicker at the table where they’re coloring in their pages. They’re enjoying the fact that I'm being called out now.
"The answer is 1418," Phillip says beside me. He waves his hand. "Dubreva became an independent country in 1418."
Miss Ricci gives him a nod, but she turns her gaze back toward me. "If you weren't listening to me, Alexandra, what were you doing?"
Well, I can't quite say that I've been trying to figure out why Prince Ferdinand doesn't like me. I think that would only earn more teasing from Eric and Henry, and I don't want that. It's hard enough being the only girl here. So I swallow and sit up straighter. "I've been trying to remember when Sweden became a country. 1397." I eye Phillip. "Which makes it older than Dubreva."
The prince presses his lips together and slouches down in his chair. I know I'm being mean to him, but I can't help it.
"We're not talking about the history of Sweden," Miss Ricci says, her voice losing its sweetness as she frowns at me. "We're talking about the history of Dubreva."
"But I'm not Dubrevian."
Miss Ricci frowns. "You live in Dubreva, Alexandra."
And I do something that I've never done before. I get up and take my books with me. "And I hate it here!” I cry. "I didn't want to move here in the first place!" I run to the door, Miss Ricci's voice following me.
"Alexandra! Alexandra, come back here!"
I ignore her, open the door, and sprint down the hall as fast as I can. If someone follows me, I don't know or care. I just want to run and keep running down the hallways, turning left and right, until I get so turned around, I don't really know which way is out.
It isn't until I catch my breath that I stop and realize that I'm utterly lost. I see that some of the servants or maids or whatever they are—I never had them before, so I don't know what the difference is—watch me, and I'm too afraid to talk to them in case they turn me back to Miss Ricci.
I don't want to be in that classroom with four boys. I just want to be home. I miss my mother. I miss my home. And Dubreva can never be my home, because I'm just left alone here.
My bottom lip trembles as I take stock of my surroundings. The palace is huge. I guess it would be for the king and queen of Dubreva, but I never thought it would be possible to get lost inside a building. Well, except for that one time I got lost in Ikea, and it took Daddy and Mommy an hour to find me. That was scary.
I refuse to be scared now.
"Miss Daae?" a woman asks me. I think she must be a maid. I brush at my face with the back of my hand, and I try to make myself look like I'm the regal, elegant daughter of William Daae.
"I think I got lost," I tell her honestly.
"Where are you trying to go, sweetie?" The kindly old woman gives me a smile, and I feel bad that I'm here crying and about to lie to her.
I wipe at my tears. "I just want to go out to the garden." That's true. Even though I'm supposed to be in class.
"Oh." The woman nods. "Just go that way." She points down the hallway, and I follow where she indicates. "Turn left, and then you'll find some stairs. Go down two stories, and you'll find a double set of doors."
I consider this and commit her directions to memory before I give her a grateful nod and head outside. At least when I'm outside, I can stay away from those boring princes and pretend that I'm back in Stockholm and that I'm not in some weird country. Trees aren't that different here than they are back home.
But as I set foot in the garden, I see how pretty it is. Flowers bloom in all sorts of different colors. There are even some that look like they're little dresses hanging from the plant. The trees have flowers on them too, and the breeze is cool on me as I step into the shade of one tree. I put my hand on the bark of the tree and overlook the whole garden. For a moment, I feel calm, as the nature around me takes the pain of what I said to the tutor away. I head deeper into the garden, knowing that I could very easily get caught if I stay out too long.
Miss Ricci will probably tell Daddy that I've been bad. I just want to go home. Actually, I want to go back to when Mommy was alive and everything was all right.
This is just too much.
I find a spot inside a bush that has little pink blossoms on it and crawl inside. The inside is almost like a dome, and I can lay down inside where no one can see me. I think about bugs for a moment, but I decide I don't care. I haven't been bitten by anything since moving here. I'm sure I'll be all right.
I curl up into a ball and make a pillow out of my arm to put my head on. Just a place to hide for a bit while I figure out what I want to do. I'm too embarrassed to go back to Miss Ricci's room. Too sad to try to find my dad. Too scared to talk to anyone else.
I'm stuck.
I don't know if I fell asleep or just closed my eyes, but rustling wakes me up, and I sit up just in time to see Ferdinand scoot into the privacy of the bush with me. I draw my legs to my chest and hug them to me.
After all, this is the prince that hates me for no reason at all.
He doesn't say anything as he sits on the opposite side of the bush, and he just watches me with his brown eyes. Something stirs deep in my chest as we look at each other, and I can't help but think how he looks like a younger version of a prince that I saw in a movie once.
It's not fair that he's a year older than me and so handsome. People shouldn't be rich, handsome, and be a prince at the same time.
He speaks first. "Do you really hate it here?"
I gulp back the lump in my throat and bite my lip again. His eyes go to my lips.
"I don't know," I admit honestly. "I miss home."
He's silent for a moment longer as his gaze goes up to meet my eyes. "What's it like?" he asks. "Your home?"
I blink. "Stockholm?"
He nods.
I think for a moment. "It's...different. And not so different. It's a lot colder there than it is here. It was snowing when we left." I shrug. "It's just...I've never lived in another country before."
"Neither have I."
I laugh, even though I don't mean to. "Well, of course you haven't." I gesture back toward the palace. "You're a prince her
e. Why would you want to live anywhere else?"
He gives me a strange look. "Because people treat me like I'm famous here. And I really just want to be a normal kid."
I laugh again, but he doesn't join me. "Trust me, being normal isn't fun." Not that I've ever really been normal myself. I started out normal. And maybe that's what I'm missing.
He scoots closer to me. And it makes me nervous. He plucks at some roots in the dirt before saying something else. "I wish I could move somewhere else. Be someone else."
I peer over at him. "Why?"
"Because I want to go to a normal school too. Have friends that aren't...Eric and Henry and Phillip." He rolls his eyes. "I mean, Eric and Henry are friends, but they’re much younger. But Phillip is just too perfect. And..."
"And what about you?" I venture. "Ferdie?"
He whips his gaze back to me. "Don't call me that."
He looks so serious, I can't help but smile at him. "Why not?"
"Because."
"Is that all you've got?" He looks like he doesn't really have anything else to add, so I sigh and sit back. "Really, if you wanted to be someone else, Ferdie is a good place to start. It sounds less formal. Like you're a normal kid."
"Normal kids aren't called Ferdie."
I nudge him with my elbow, feeling slightly better now that we're talking. For the first time since I met him, I think he doesn't hate me as much as he pretends. "Well, at least you wouldn't be Ferdinand."
He considers this for a moment before nodding. "I guess you're right."
"Can I ask you something?" I'm feeling brave now.
He raises an eyebrow. "Sure."
"Why do you hate me so much?"
He frowns. "I don't hate you."
"Then why have you been glaring at me since I moved here?" I pick up a blade of grass and twirl it between my fingers. "You just seem to hate me for some reason."
For a few heartbeats, he doesn't say anything. And then he runs a hand through his hair. "I was afraid you wouldn't like me."
It's my turn to give him a weird look. "And you think being mean to me is going to make me like you?"
