When I look up, my mother is in the doorway. She stares from me to the packet I’m holding. “Is that the special ingredient in the tea you’ve been making? The one you gave to Rob, Kenny, and Luther?”
When I don’t answer, she charges at me and grabs my arm harshly. “Answer me!”
“Yes. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
She slips the packet from my sweaty hand. She holds it up to the light and flicks it with her fingers. “I’m making the tea this time.”
“B-but, it will make him get sick…like the others.”
“I know, Leina,” she says with a smile. “So, I’ll tell you what, let me make the tea this time, but you have to promise it will be our secret. Because if you don’t, I’ll tell your secret.”
I nod.
She disappears down the hall and I could swear I hear her mutter, “This time your father is going to pay for what he’s done to me.”
I TRIED TO pull back on the clutch, but the accelerator fell to the floor. The world whizzed by at a blindingly fast rate. A steep curve was up ahead, and if I didn’t stop, I would crash into the waterless ravine up ahead. Thinking fast, I reached down to pull it back up, I couldn’t reach it without turning the wheel. Any slight change in my direction could’ve been deadly.
Keeping the wheel straight, I gradually pushed in the brake to reduce my RPMs. Forcing the car out of gear, I shifted into neutral. The car began to slow down but wasn’t fast enough to prevent going over the steep decline. Turning the wheel gradually, I forced the car into a direction that was perpendicular with the ravine.
Coming to a complete stop, the car rocked.
Panting, I tried to catch my breaths and rein in my emotions. Holding myself and closing my eyes, I sank into my seat. I hoped once I woke up, the nightmare I denied living in would disappear for something new. Something that would give me a new purpose.
On a thin spot in the sheet of desert sand covering the windshield, a peak of the sun bore through, heating the once chilly car. I flicked on the windshield wipers and slowly began to pull off.
With twenty miles left before I reached Ipomoea, the car gave out. The car, like my hold on the false memories of my past, died simultaneously.
While parked on the side of the road, I picked up my phone, but it was dead. Only my burner phone had enough reception and battery power to place one call. I didn’t know where I was or how he’d be able to find me. All I knew was I needed him. I sent him a text:
Me: I’m alone and I’m scared.
I need you.
NIGHT FELL BEFORE a car pulled up behind me. My stomach growled, protesting against being ignored for almost two days. I slid off my position on the hood of the car and swept the dust off the back of my skirt. Holding myself from the chilly night air, I approached Elias’s car, parked behind the Nova.
The second he got out of the car to meet me halfway, I threw my arms around him, holding him like I’d never let go. He placed his palms on my back, sinking into me. Grasping the back of my head, he pulled my face away from him until I could gaze up into his eyes. The sight of the tears streaming down my cheeks made him soften whatever anger he was holding onto. “What happened to you?” he asked in a quiet voice as he fingered the tears from my cheeks.
“You were right about everything,” I conceded.
The empathy he once carried began to disappear as he returned to the mood he met me with earlier. “Is that correct? And where,” he tempered his volume, but the irritation was still there, “have you been for two days?”
“I'm really sorry about going radio silent. I was doing what we planned, it just took me somewhere I didn’t expect,” I told him. “Have you spoken to your mother?”
“No,” he said carefully, looking more than a little perplexed over my question, “I haven’t.”
“Can we go somewhere to eat? I’m starving.” Removing his hands from around me, I sauntered toward his car.
He sat in the driver’s seat for a while staring out at the barebones traffic on the obscure road. “I lost my mind, worried something happened to you. You’re lucky I didn’t take it as far as I wanted and punished whomever I suspected of having anything to do with your disappearance.” Taking a deep breath, his eyes trailed to mine. “I can’t stress how much you cannot just up and disappear—especially without Jaco or Mateus—for a full two days without any word about where you are and what you’re doing.” Sighing, he smoothed the edge on his dark mood and brushed his hand over his hair. “Did you at least see Skylar? What happened afterward? What did you find out that made me ‘right about everything’?”
Shaking my head to tell him that nothing important happened with Skylar, I crossed my arms in front of my torso and pressed in, hoping to quiet the loud sounds of my noisy stomach. My stomach growled despite my attempt to silence it.
Taking in another breath, he began to pull off from the side of the road and drive. “I’ll stop at the first place I find, unless you have a special request.”
“Food,” I said simply. “Any food.” Watching the streaming lights pour into the car, lighting my lap with yellow rays of light in the dark of night, I fell into reverie.
“I’ll have Jaco take care of the car.”
“Leave it,” I told him. “I don’t want it anymore.”
He glimpsed at me with a look of puzzlement.
“What did you mean when you said that mental illness could be genetic?”
“Your father. When you told me that he had episodes, and from what I knew about him, I knew he was mentally unwell.”
“When you said your mother told you about me, did she tell you about my father?”
He took his eyes off the road for a second to squint at me. “Not exactly.”
“Did she ever tell you about Roth?”
He slipped back in his seat as if he’d been pushed. “This is the second time you’ve mentioned Roth. He’s obviously someone important. Tell me why.”
“Your mother knew,” I said, thinking of the way she sought out and helped Roth. It was also the only reason I could figure for how Roth knew so much. Kirsten served as his information source, at the same time, manipulating him into acting on what he was told by her. “She knew this whole time. I can’t figure out why she didn’t tell you all of it. Especially now that Roth isn’t a threat anymore.” I pointed at a sign that marked three miles to the next rest stop with few icons, detailing which restaurants were ahead.
He nodded, acknowledging he’d seen it, too.
“I saw your mother today—well, yesterday—and she had a lot to talk about.”
He contemplated me for a moment before turning back to the road. “The night we decided to get rid of my parents, I told you that I would take care of my mother and you would deal with my father when the time is right.”
“I…had to change things.”
His grip on the steering wheel intensified. “What did you two discuss, because I’ve never known my mother to be meddlesome?”
“From what you’ve told me,” I started, “you don’t really know her at all. She never allowed you to get to know her.”
“Hanley,” he sighed, attempting again to diminish his darkening mood, “this discussion isn’t about me.”
“There is no discussion about me, the future, or the past without it including you.” My exasperation was shown through my words and it was clear he didn’t appreciate it with the way he glared at me. Collecting myself, I spoke to him calmly. “Your mother and my mother knew each other once. They went after the same man—your father. They both had children from your father within five months of each other. Roth was my mother’s son, and he’s five months older than you.”
“When you visited her, did she send you to speak with…Roth?” he asked, completely unaffected by what I had told him.
I nodded.
“Alone?”
“There wasn’t time to call you.”
The stone mask broke away for a scowl, showing his displeasure toward his mother’
s actions and mine. “The second she told you to do anything, you should’ve picked up the fucking phone and told me. Hanley…are you testing me to see if I can make good on my promise to be a little less intense with you? You’re pushing a little too hard.”
“It’s not what I’m doing. I apologized for not keeping you informed already. I promise, it won’t happen again. My…mind just kind of got away from me. I’m sorry.” I reached over and covered his hand as it gripped the gearshift. “Your mother helped me. I know the truth about everything because of her.” With careful introspection, I told him what I had suppressed—the truth about my mother and father.
“And you believe my mother helped you?” he asked, his voice heightening. “It looks to me like she broke you, because being the selfish bitch that she is, she’s using you to obtain a certain outcome that works in her favor. Do you hear yourself, Hanley? You don’t sound…”
“Sane?” I questioned, a little upset. “It’s called deduction and reasoning skills.”
“I know what it’s called, but you’re probably stringing together conspiracy theories based upon…what? What proof do you have to confirm all that you think you know?”
“My memories and…” My voice trailed off as I began to question what I knew and what I was told. “…the things your mother told me.”
“You think a woman who is capable of abandoning her son is somehow incapable of lying?”
“I’m not saying that, and I’m sure there were some things she embellished on, or lied by omission about, but I believe most of what she said. If it wasn't for her, I don’t think we would have met.”
“No. I don’t believe that, either.”
“Whatever you do or don’t believe, do you still believe in us?”
“Without question,” he said, convicted and apparently offended I would question his loyalty.
“Then…things have to change if we’re going to do what we planned. We have to be strong together. That means, no more calling me a whore because you want to shame me for my sexuality. No more holding my sexuality over me. And if you're going to threaten me about telling you what to do—”
"This is different,” he interjected. “I won't threaten you about this. I wasn't punishing you for your sexuality. My issue was your lies. As I told you when you admitted it to me, I want you to have everything you want. My other issue is your attraction to Skylar. I don't have to tell you how I feel about that whore.”
"Another thing…no more excuses. Just don't do it anymore. I got enough passive aggressive shit from my father about being that way. I won't accept it from my husband.”
A slow-forming soft smile took over his face. “Understood, and I’m going to show you exactly what I’m willing to do for you. It won’t be pretty, minha amada. I’ll need you to keep your promises to me, no matter what happens.”
“Does it look like I have any plans of going anywhere, even if I wanted to? Show me your respect and I’ll show you that I can be—what was it you called me?—biddable.” Looking down at my ring, I pushed for one more thing. “Why did you really want me to marry you? Was it so you could punish me, or was it to prove my loyalty to you?”
“I called you unbiddable.” He pulled into the parking lot for a diner. After putting the car into park, he removed his seatbelt and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me forward to kiss me. “No, those weren’t the reasons, but I needed you to think they were. At the time, I didn’t think you deserved to know the truth.”
“The reason was…?” I drew out my words, waiting for him to jump in at anytime.
“Because I wanted you to be my wife.”
I gave him a small smile. “That was so anticlimactic. You’re usually better with the romantic proclamations than that.”
Chuckling, he lunged forward and yanked my bottom lip between his teeth, making me fight between protesting and laughing.
“I want a real wedding,” I said dreamily, placing my palms on either side of his jaw, dusted with a light sprinkling of stubble.
He smiled brightly—the trademark smile I couldn’t get enough of. "Everything you want from me, it’s yours.” His hand abruptly surrounded my neck, making me gasp sharply. “Since I’m no longer driving, let me be clear—what you did will not happen again. At all times, I need to know where you are and what you’re doing.
“Where my mother is concerned, you will not see her again without me at your side. If you want answers from her, I will get them for you. You can’t trust her, and I can promise you she didn’t tell you the whole truth. I will be the one who makes sure you get it. Do we understand each other?”
“Yes, Elias,” I said, smirking. Underneath the weight of the day, the version of himself I felt guilty about finding sexy returned, and he made me extremely wet.
“Wipe that smirk from your face, Hanley. You say you’re sorry, but I bet you aren’t. When I’m done with your body tonight, you will be very, very sorry.” He bit my lips again, hurting me. Loosening his grip on my neck, he kissed the pain away.
IN ONE OF Elias’s shirts, I sat gently on the couch. My core revolted against my need to sit down, thanks to the way Elias pleasurably wrecked me when we got home. From my position on the couch in the bedroom, nearest the windowsill, I could see the beautiful view outside. The dawning sun danced against the black pinstripe material, creating entrancing shadows.
I caught myself a few times, picking up my phone to call my father, only to remember he was no longer there.
I wondered about what made him think living was no longer necessary. Remembering our last conversation, I assumed he kept going because he realized I needed him, and he let go when he thought I no longer did. Or maybe it was something worse—he could no longer use me and saw no point in continuing on. I refused to believe what Roth had said about him wanting to kill me. Even if it was the truth, I had to believe it wasn’t, or the shred of good memories I had about my father would slip away. I needed to hold on to what little I had.
I clutched my phone, feeling the empty space his death left inside of me. There were so many things I wanted to tell him and ask him. I’d never get the chance.
I heard Elias stir in bed. I watched him, naked and beautiful, as he stalked toward me with his predator like movements. I sank my teeth into my lip, feeling dirty for appreciating the way his cock hung long and perfect between his legs and the way each well-formed muscle rippled to accommodate his movements.
He slipped down behind me and put his arms around me. “You should be sleeping.”
“I couldn’t. I’m anxious.”
He rested his chin on my shoulder and held me tighter. “I changed my mind. I don’t know if I can let you meet my father, at least not without me at your side."
“You can’t change our plans,” I said, turning around and draping my legs outside his nude body.
“Like you did?” he asked with a lifted brow as he ran both hands up my bare legs.
“Only Natanael will be able to tell me what it was between him and my mother. You’re right about my mind getting away from me. I want to stop thinking and assuming and find out the truth. Hopefully, he'll tell me the truth. I know it couldn’t have been anything serious, even though they were married.
“I keep sitting here making assumptions about what it might've been.” With my fingertips, I traced the dips in his abdomen, making it flex underneath the pads of my fingers. “I know how my mother worked. If she went after Natanael, it was because she hoped he would be what she needed to start her career. I don’t believe for a minute she really loved him. I think she only said that and made people believe that to hurt my father—or maybe she thought it would get back to Natanael and he would forgive her. All I know is she couldn’t love anyone. I guess—”
Holding my head firmly between his hands, he lowered his lids at me.
“I’m stopping.” I held up my hand as though I was swearing in.
“You’re making me concerned.” The skepticism he held to was perceptible.
I might’ve been obsessed with discovering the truth, but it was only so I could fully move on with my life. “Can you set up a meeting with your father tomorrow instead of next week?”
“What did I tell you the night we decided to do this? Soon, but not that soon. I wouldn’t trust him to answer your questions. Furthermore, we agreed you would collect more evidence, not push him for answers we both know he won’t give you.” He dropped his chin to his chest and his eyelids moved erratically. He lifted his head and the moment he looked at me, I knew what he was going to say before he said it. “I’m changing the plan; it’s too dangerous. When I’m ready for him to give up his power, I’ll use someone else to get the job done. But it won’t be you.”
“Don’t take this away from me,” I pleaded, putting my arms around his neck. “I need…closure. I can do what we planned and get answers. I need to see your father.”
“Closure is an illusion, Hanley.”
“You’re probably right, but I have to do this. For me.”
“What if the answers only hurt you? I can’t let that happen.”
“Are you changing your mind about the promise you made to me about getting answers from your mother?”
The sudden stoic look on his face, told me that the answer was yes.
“Elias, please. I can handle it.” Choking on my words, I told him the one thing I hadn’t been able to when he picked me up. “I’m the one who killed my mother’s husbands. My father gave me packets of what I thought was sugar and demanded I put it in their tea when I visited my mother. But really, they were full of hemlock…a poison.”
He forced my head to tilt back. “That sounds like coercion. It does not sound like you were an emotionless killer.”
“The first couple of times I didn’t understand what I was doing. The third time, I was in denial.”
“And the fourth?”
“My mother can claim that one.”
“Look at me, minha amada,” he demanded, his hold on my head firming. “It wasn’t your fault. You were preyed upon by the person who was supposed to protect you.”
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