by Ashley Pullo
“Courtney Love!”
“What? No.”
“Veruca Salt?”
“Wow – that’s random. It was Shirley Manson from Garbage.”
“Cool. Did you get her autograph?”
“I’m not a creep, Nat. But, I did keep her signed receipt.” Chloe whips out the small paper from her bag and waves it in front of me.
“We should decoupage it on the coffee table,” I suggest.
“Yeah, we could start an entire collection of decoupage furniture. You’re such a crafty genius, Nat. She’s crafty . . . she gets around,” Chloe sings.
I know this song better than the Canadian national anthem. “She’s crafty . . . she’s always down,” I add.
“Ready. I put in some extra duck sauce and you didn’t even have to ask. That’ll be eighteen-fifty.” Calvin smiles brightly as we hop off the table. Chloe pays for dinner and I promise to buy her a case of Diet Snapple in the deli next door.
“Thanks Calvin, tell your mom hello,” Chloe says.
We take our smiley face shopping bag full of sodium goodness and head to Upmarket Delicatessen. Most delis in Manhattan have a buffet line of overpriced salmonella, but our deli is like a specialty store with imported swank. We can even get Lay’s Ketchup Chips.
“How’s that surprise birthday party coming along?” Chloe asks.
“Oh God, the wife is such a bitch. Can you believe she actually gave her husband a detailed list of instructions? Like, no yellow decorations and only crystal glassware. Please . . . that poor husband should do everything wrong out of spite.”
“Or maybe you could send yellow invitations.” Chloe smiles like a fat cat. I love her.
“That’s just the sort of mistake I’m willing to make.”
We go to the nearest register with a case of Diet Peach Snapple and a bag of M&M’s. The cashier is a young guy, skinny and tattooed – he takes my money while staring overtly at Chloe. She’s so clueless sometimes to the amount of attention she gets. I roll my eyes and nudge her in the side.
“Thanks so much, Fabian,” I say, reading his nametag.
“Uh, yeah. Sure. Have a great night,” he replies.
The street is rather quiet for six o’clock, but it’s on nights like this when the City feels like a fictional movie set – like this perfect setting waiting for action.
“When are your parents getting here?” I ask as we enter our building.
“Next Saturday – good news is they’re going straight to Connecticut for Thanksgiving festivities. Did you take the twenty-eighth off – what is Black Friday anyway?”
“It’s a day when you can buy shit you don’t need for a low price.”
“Sounds lovely. I’m always in the market for shit I don’t need,” Chloe says.
We take the elevator up to our floor with Ms. Pratt from 5A. She’s nice enough, but I don’t think she really agrees with our lifestyle – she’s old school and believes women should cook all their meals in order to snatch that perfect man.
Ms. Pratt frowns at our bag of Chinese. “Good night, ladies. Enjoy your dinner.”
“You, too!” We say in unison. Yep, we’re those girls.
After we deposit our dinner on the counter and the tea in the refrigerator, Chloe and I head straight to the bedroom to change into our finest loungewear. I accidentally pull out Pete’s sweatpants and nervously stuff them deeper into my dresser. I should really get rid of them.
“You look marvelous darling,” Chloe says, pointing to my purple leggings and Ziggy t-shirt from a decade ago.
“And I love what you’ve done with your hair, mademoiselle!”
“Shall we dine?” Chloe asks.
She turns on the television while I grab the plates, napkins and Snapple. We settle on the couch and tear open the smiley face bag. Calvin put in like twenty containers of duck sauce – maybe he was being clever or maybe he feels sorry for the two old maids that always . . .
“WNBC News at Six, New York’s number one news source. Breaking news. A roadside bomb exploded near the Pakistani border earlier today. Of the three confirmed dead, two Marines are reported to have been residents of the Tri-state area. Lt. John Fender of Bayonne, New Jersey and Lt. Zacharie Parker of New York City. We will continue to bring you updates as more information becomes available. Now stay tuned for the . . .”
I clutch my necklace . . . the star burning a hole right through my soul.
November 21, 2003
ZACHARIE PASCALE PARKER was a hero.
His journey ended on a dirt road near a goat farm just two weeks shy of his furlough. What started as a routine sweep through the countryside, tragically ended with an IED explosion planted by the cowardly face of the Taliban. Three Marines of the fire team were killed and all three Marines were brought home. Zach’s journey ended in Afghanistan – but his salvation remains eternally present among the stars.
Zach’s body was transported with distinction and respect to the United States Air Force base in Dover, Delaware. Upon arrival, the body was transferred by guarded hearse to the Dover Air Force Mortuary. Our hero was dressed in full Marine Corps blues, shoes polished, nails trimmed, and short hair combed with care. The articles found on the person were catalogued and photographed as well as the footlocker and personal belongings of our hero. The closed coffin was adorned with an American flag and flown with two honor guards to JFK International Airport. The hero was welcomed by military officials and an honor guard, dignifying his return with the ceremonial attention and salute. Zach’s body was then driven by military hearse to McMillan’s Funeral Home in Greenwich, Connecticut.
Home.
Friends and family gather inside the funeral home to remember the valiant life of our fallen hero. Several approach the podium to speak of his legacy and his ultimate sacrifice. They all end with the same sentiments of admiration – a remembrance of the tiny impact humans are capable of leaving behind. Zacharie Parker will be remembered as the boy with the crooked smile and floppy mess of sandy hair, the student with a love for science and philosophy, the fraternity brother with the charismatic charm, the Marine lieutenant with an amazing lay-up, the son with honorable determination and unwavering integrity, and the prince . . .
Natalie stands slowly with the help of Chloe and walks impassively to the podium. She’s been here before, this same room, less than a year ago – but it will never be a place of familiarity. She glides her fingers over the framed picture of Zach and gives him a wink. It was Aunt Patty’s suggestion to have Natalie speak – it was Aunt Patty’s intention to have Natalie heal. But healing a damaged soul is much harder than healing a broken heart.
She stands behind the microphone and angles her body toward the casket. Natalie is speaking to Zach, and everyone else is just here to listen.
“One day, not too long ago, I was lost. And then you found me. To say our love was instant is a little crazy, but for two crazy dreamers, we made perfect sense. Because all men have stars.” Natalie pauses, closing her eyes and inhaling her pain.
“La vie est un interlude au salut. Life is an interlude to salvation. Tu es mon salut. I am your interlude. Mais sans toi, je n’ai rien . . . I have nothing.” She’s lost without her prince. Tears cascade down her cheeks, but she smiles with grace and affection. “I loved you. I love you. I will faithfully love you, and I abso-fucking-lutely, regret nothing!”
The room is silent. Natalie’s words may seem crass to those that don’t understand, but to those who knew of their magical relationship, her words are poetry. Judy and Chloe hug each other tightly. Aunt Patty dabs her eyes with a lace hanky. Raymond Parker lowers his head and whimpers in agony. A few rows back, Molly leans into Mr. Ross and sobs uncontrollably. Several older ladies wail in response to the other’s reactions and several older men, bow their heads in respect. And way in the back, standing in a reclusive corner near the door, with his body limp and deeply affected – Adam closes his eyes.
Natalie returns to her seat as the minister eloquently
gives the closing remarks about the soul’s eternal existence after the body’s non-existence. People nod in hopeful agreement, because fear of death forces people to nod in hopeful agreement. The ceremony closes with a lovely alto singing Amazing Grace and the grieving lining up to pay their respects to the Parker family.
Six members of the honor guard carefully carry the casket to the hearse to then be driven to the private cemetery of the Parker lineage. A procession of cars follows behind the hearse through the quaint village of Greenwich, Connecticut.
This is Zach’s home. That’s the park where he played basketball and attempted the death ramp on his skateboard. Over there, behind the bank, Zach smoked his first cigarette. His private school, off to the left, still displays his photo in the hall of class presidents. And up there, in his favorite spot to gaze upon the stars, was to be the location for his proposal to Natalie.
The procession parks one by one along the rocky perimeter of the cemetery. Mourners exit their cars to congregate around the burial site. Family members, including Natalie, are seated in a row near the covered vault. The honor guard marches the casket to the site with cadence and precision, respecting the final steps of our hero’s sacrificial service. The six guards then place the coffin on the covered burial vault and slowly, with military accuracy, lift the American flag and pull it taut. The seven-member firing party shoots three volleys into the cloudy November sky and with each shot, Natalie mouths:
“I.” Fire.
“Love.” Fire.
“You.” Fire.
Chloe places her hand on Natalie’s shoulder and Aunt Patty takes Natalie’s shaking hand. The silence echoes through the damp air – beautiful and frightening, but for Natalie, it sounds like nothing.
The honor guard folds the flag with care and precision – they are experts in ceremonial traditions. A bugler plays the solemn notes of Taps, while the Marine captain standing in attention at the foot of the casket slowly salutes our hero.
Once the flag is folded, the captain carries the symbol of national gratitude and kneels before Raymond Parker. “Please accept this flag in appreciation of Lieutenant Zacharie Parker’s faithful service to the United States Marine Corps. Semper Fidelis.”
Raymond Parker nods in acceptance and places the flag in his lap. The captain rises to his feet and returns to the foot of the casket. In unison, the honor guard slowly salutes Zach’s coffin as it is lowered into the desert of tears.
Salute.
Le Salut.
Zacharie Pascale Parker has found his salvation.
November . . .
I SIT ON the chintz sofa.
I stare straight ahead at the stone fireplace.
I bob my head to strangers offering kind smiles.
Mom sits next to me on the couch and cradles me in her bosom like a child. My head rests on her shoulder as I emit agonizing shrieks of sadness. Big fat, sobbing tears. My eyes explode, my heart disintegrates and my dreams shatter.
Simultaneously. Repetitively. Painfully.
“Oh baby girl, please don’t hurt. Give me your pain, I’m your mother.” Mom strokes my head as my tears bleed onto her silk shirt. There’s blood everywhere, but who’s bleeding? Where am I? Why am I here?
“Natalie, come with me.” I hear the familiar voice of my cousin, but I only see her hand. I take her hand. I’m incapable of forming any speech. “We’ll be right back, Aunt Judy.”
Chloe squeezes my hand tightly. But who is squeezing my chest? We walk to a bathroom. I’ve been in here before – when I was alive. The door shuts and it vibrates through my emptiness, ringing inside my hollow chamber like a gothic church bell.
I hear running water and I desperately want to jump in and suffocate. I’d rather have water flowing through my body than the never-ending emptiness. A cool rag burns my skin. I slap at her hand, screaming and shaking.
“Nat, Nat!” Chloe’s arms wrap around me tightly and for a brief second, I feel love. And then it’s gone.
“Natalie. This is not going to be easy. Love is never easy. And you’ve been dealt a really shitty hand . . . but I promise you, things will get better. Let me love you. Let me help you.” Her fingers swipe the tears scorching my face. I can finally see.
“Okay,” I whisper.
“That’s better.” Chloe continues to clean my face with the damp cloth. “Do you ever think about how lucky Zach was – to have met you? A beautiful, smart, funny girl that made this past year bearable. You always talk about how much he sacrificed for you, but think about what you did for him.”
What I did for him? I was just a silly girl that made him laugh.
“Natalie, you gave him friendship, the pure and honest kind. You gave him hope. You gave Zach a reason to live during dark times – and you loved him.”
“I – I – loved him so much. I’ll never be able to tell him. He’s gone . . .”
“Shh, look at me, sweetie. Zach knew you loved him.”
“But I have nothing without him.” I gasp for air.
“Oh Natalie, you have the greatest of things – you have a purpose. You have a responsibility to honor the love you were lucky enough to experience. Let him live inside you. Let him live among the stars. Don’t bury Zach in your sorrow.”
“I’m so weak, Chloe. I can’t seem to string thoughts together. I’m scared.”
“I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. Give me your burdens.”
Chloe pulls out a brush from her purse and begins to comb my hair. Long, soft strokes – relaxing me, comforting me.
“Now, we’re going out there to show the world how brave Zach Parker makes us feel. We’re going out there to follow our dreams and open our hearts to endless possibilities. We will honor our friend and we will do it together. Are you ready?”
“No,” I say.
“Good. Let’s face the world together.”
Chloe manages to lead me through the dozens of mourners, chit-chatting quietly about anything but Zach. People grieve differently I suppose, but the price of stocks seems so irrelevant. I take a glass of wine from the waiter and chug it down.
“Hey, take it easy,” Chloe whispers.
I take another glass of wine and sip it slowly with my pinky high in the air. When Chloe’s not looking, I throw it back in one long gulp. She’s still holding my hand but her grip loosens and her palm suddenly feels clammy. “Oh fuck. Shit. Fuck me,” she snarls under her breath.
I look in the direction of her startled gaze and see Raymond Parker. Raymond Parker shaking Adam Ford’s hand – holy shit! Did I say that out loud?
He walks toward us, handsome as ever but with the addition of dark circles under cloudy eyes. Chloe lowers her head and tries to pull me in the other direction.
Adam places his hand on my arm. “Natalie, I had no idea. It seems I’ve been wrong a lot lately.” Adam glances at Chloe and then back at me. “I know what it’s like to lose someone you love and I know how it feels to be watched when you grieve. But there are people who truly care about you – don’t close them off.” The magnitude of this moment is so weird and yet amazingly comfortable. I believe Adam’s sincerity, and I know he would do anything to help me. If not for me, then because he’s hopelessly in love with Chloe.
“Er, thanks. But why are you here?” I ask.
Adam glances at Chloe before answering. “My firm represents Raymond Parker – I represent Mr. Parker.”
“Oh, well that’s fucking fantastic!”
“I’m sorry?” Adam’s tone is defensive yet apologetic.
An internal debate about whether I should air the Parker laundry swirls through my limited consciousness. Am I really here? Is this an actual conversation? Zach would want me to drop it.
Zach’s former attorney and friend taps my shoulder. “Natalie.” Jack opens his arms and I embrace his kindness. It was just a year ago that we stood in this same room after Claire’s funeral.
“It’s nice to see you, Jack. You remember Chloe, my cousin? And this is Adam Ford
, a friend.” Jack nods hello to Chloe and extends his hand to Adam.
“Natalie, we have some things to discuss regarding Zach’s will – can you swing by my office later this week?” Jack waits for my response.
“His will? I don’t understand,” I say.
“It’s customary that I meet with the beneficiaries when money is involved. I thought you knew.”
“I didn’t. And I don’t want money. Where’s his stuff?” My tone is harsh and offensive – not directed at anyone particular, it’s just the anger seeping through my veins.
“His stuff? Now I’m confused. There weren’t any specific items listed in his will besides Claire’s wedding ring.”
“Where are his clothes, his camera, and his letters . . . where are my letters?” My palms are sweaty as I bring them to my neck. I grasp my necklace, fidgeting uncomfortably in front of all these people. Chloe wraps her arm around my shoulder, but I push her away.
“His personal effects were catalogued and sent to Raymond. They customarily go to the next of kin.”
“Raymond Parker has my letters? Well that’s fucking awesome!” I’m sick. I want to throw up. I want to scream. I want to . . .
“Nat,” Chloe begs.
Sensing my growing hostility, Jack says, “Natalie, I’d be happy to ask Raymond for the contents of Zach’s footlocker, is that what you want?”
“No. I’ll do it.” I storm off from the three of them before they can stop me. Chloe chases behind me and tries to grab my hand. When I reach Raymond, I give the young woman he’s speaking to an evil glare. She takes the hint and leaves with her slutty face between her legs.
“Raymond – I want Zach’s footlocker and all of the personal effects that belong to me.”
