“Food isn’t going to fix this.”
“I still don’t know what ‘this’ is.” If he denied it, weaved and ducked, he could get them back on track. They could see each other and he could play the game that everyone else was living.
“How do you feel about me?”
Like he would shatter if he didn’t see her. Like he would shatter if he did. “I like you.”
She barked out a laugh. “That’s it?”
“It’s a lot.” He shook his head, battling the voices inside him. He could tell her just a bit, let her see the anger, then she would get it. “When I was in Afghanistan there was this explosion. Not unusual since things blew up all the time. I turned around and saw all these rocks piled at the entrance of this cave. Then I did this head count.”
As he talked, his heart doubled its beat. The smell of death and gunfire. The shocking splash of red against the barren landscape that at first looked like paint until his vision cleared and he recognized it as blood. “I couldn’t find Holden. Couldn’t find a lot of the guys.”
Her hand rested against Zach’s chest. “They were trapped inside,” she whispered.
“I dug with my gun, my hands, pulled and climbed until my skin was raw and my throat dry enough to crack. It took us days. We worked in groups, some of us keeping watch while others worked.” He remembered the awful silence followed by the horrible screams. His friends were dying, running out of air and bleeding out, and he couldn’t get there. “When I finally saw Holden…I’d never seen him like that, hovering on the brink of death and not knowing which side would be better. I got furious. I’ve been furious ever since.”
Zach stepped away from her, from her soothing touch and sad eyes. “In war you learn to separate your brain from your feelings. You see death and know it’s always out there, waiting. You live life knowing the worst is hovering and being prepared for it.”
She rushed to him again. “I’m alive. I want to be alive with you.”
“And I want to give you all I can.” He meant that. With all he had and all he knew, he meant it.
Her hands dropped to her side as the light in her eyes died. “But you can’t let me in.”
Women said stuff like that and his brain shut down. His ex-wife had once whispered a similar phrase. Then he didn’t care. He got angry, built a wall and shut her out. He wanted to do that with Sela but with every brick he set in place another one crumbled. “You’re as far in as anyone is going to get.”
“No.”
“No?”
“Last year that might have been okay. Might have been enough. My life was upside down and my self-worth in the toilet, but that’s over. I’m not living from minute to minute anymore. I want a future. A real one.”
He had no idea what to say or how to keep her tethered to him. She wanted some huge declaration and had no idea what she was asking for. If she saw the real him, the rage he tucked down deep, she’d run away and he wouldn’t blame her. “I don’t disagree.”
“I deserve more.” She turned toward the door.
Knowing she would one day leave and watching her do it were two different things. His heart lodged in his throat as anxiety bubbled up in his stomach. “I’m not the one who’s running here.”
“That just shows you’re not getting it.”
“Because?”
“You deserve more, too. Whatever man you were, you’ve put the pieces back together again, and you deserve a future, not just a past.”
“I’m fine with my life.”
The last flicker of light left her face. “That’s what’s killing me.”
Chapter Nineteen
Sela slipped away from the party and headed upstairs to the warehouse loft. In the open layout, the music rose as did the din of laughter and conversation.
After the hysteria had died down, the team decompressed. Mia had announced it was time to get married. A week after they buried Rod, they celebrated Mia and Holden’s marriage. The more public celebration gave way to a private one, team members only, at the warehouse.
After that, Mia and Holden would sneak away for a week. The rest of them would finish setting up their secure houses and try to start normal lives while they worked every minute with danger.
Luke would do what he did best. Manage them all. With their reputations intact from uncovering the WitSec fiasco and Rod’s name clear, Luke would line up new work.
He had to testify before a specially convened security panel in Congress about the WitSec affair. As promised, he would keep Trevor’s name out of it. If her former boss wanted to come clean, that would be his choice. By saving her, he’d bought his freedom from the wrath of the Recovery Project.
The finality continued with her. This would be her last night in the warehouse or anywhere with Zach. After the informal wedding reception, she’d sneak out. Return to her apartment and try to put her life back together. For a brief flash she’d let herself believe she’d found something with Zach, but no matter how much she pounded he would not open the door and let her in. His idea of her as some sort of fun-time office girl had changed almost immediately, but his priorities hadn’t. He rescued and retreated.
She’d seen him do it over the past two weeks. He’d make love to her with abandon, then distance himself during the day.
“Are you okay?” he asked as he slipped behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
She was brokenhearted and sad. With her insides ripped and bleeding, she gave him the truth. “Just packing.”
“Why?
Typical Zach. No arguments or pleading. They’d talked about this at the hospital and he pretended it never happened. He lived the days as if they were going forward on his terms. “It’s time for me to go back to my life.”
“You’re unemployed.”
That was the least of her concerns. She had no idea where to go from here. Trevor insisted she still had a job, but she couldn’t go back to Orion now. Not with what she knew. Understanding the choices he’d made didn’t come easy. Accepting them or pretending they hadn’t happened was impossible.
Trevor had put her in danger, stolen her sense of security, but he had also restored her faith that people could be good when he threw himself in front of her. The press cheered him for it. She gave him her gratitude right before saying goodbye. He would live but she wanted no part of that future.
“Luke said he would help me get started again. He has some contacts and will give me a reference, even though he’ll have to fake his way through it since I never worked for him.” She appreciated the offer. One day when the bills piled up and her heart healed, she would venture out and find something.
Zach turned her around in his arms. “You didn’t have to go to Luke. I would have helped.”
Because that’s what he did. It was who Zach was. He fixed. “Luke volunteered.”
“You can be an assistant here.” Zach blurted out the sentence. It was as if he said it right as he thought it.
The idea was so tempting. Seeing him every day would be both sweet and torturous. “No.”
His arms closed tighter around her. “We need someone to keep everything in order and—”
“Stop.” She put her hand over his mouth when he went to kiss her. One touch of his lips and she’d lose her nerve. She needed it now.
He pulled his head back. “What?”
“Is that where you think we are? That I want a job from you?”
“I—I’m trying to help.” He stuttered, actually tripped over his words for the first time since she’d met him.
“I know.”
“What, you’ll accept help from Luke but not from me?”
She didn’t love Luke. She loved Zach and that made all the difference. Gone were the moments where she would go along to see where he would take her.
In the short time she’d known him she’d come to see him as this multifaceted, complex man worth loving. His strength and decency had won her over.
But he only saw himself one way.
“You’re rescuing again.”
He smiled. “Is that so bad?”
“It is if you use it as a wall.”
His mouth turned down and his arms loosened around her waist. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She wondered if that was true, if he buried it all so deep that he didn’t even recognize the defense mechanism anymore. Maybe it was natural to him. Maybe it felt right. Still, she’d stood at that wedding and watched them all celebrate while Zach held back, a small smile on his face.
He loved them, but he had no idea what to say to them. That much was clear.
The opposite wasn’t true. They’d brought him into their circle. Claire and Mia had cajoled and pestered until Zach had finally hit the dance floor. Maddie had joked with him like an annoying little sister who really adored her older brother. Avery had respected his need for space and sent him a wink instead of crushing him in hugs.
The women, the men, they all let him have the air he needed. Instead of using that time to accept, he hid behind it.
She didn’t want that detachment.
“Let me understand this.” She reached behind her and broke his hold. Stepping out of the comforting circle of his arms, she could face what she had to say. Make her point and see if he snapped to life. “We’re going to work together. You’ll come in and I’ll get you coffee, hand you files. Is that your plan?”
“Yeah.”
The word sliced through her. “I take notes and we joke around, just like I do with Adam, and he barely likes me.”
“He likes you fine.”
“That’s not my point and you know it.”
“It’s more than that.”
She wanted so badly for that to be true. “Tell me. Explain it to me.”
“Why are we talking about this?”
He could fight with weapons but words seemed to fail him when she challenged him. “It’s your plan, Zach. Tell me how it will work.”
“I don’t know.”
“Sex.”
His eyes widened. “Could you not yell that?”
“That’s the plan, right? We have some dinners, continue to have sex.”
“Isn’t that what dating is?”
“What happens when I start dating other men?”
His face fell. Eyes, cheeks, mouth all into a flat line. “What?”
In her heart she wanted to give him time and to accept whatever he could offer, but in her head she knew he would wade in the status quo unless shoved. So she pushed. “I’m twenty-five. I want a life. Stability, kids.”
The area around his mouth went white. “Okay.”
“That’s all you have to say?” She could see him swallow.
“There’s nothing stable about my life.”
She threw her arms wide. “Look around you. Luke is going to be a father. Holden and Caleb are husbands. Adam is steps away from getting there. You’re the only one holding back despite the dangers.”
“I’m not them.”
“No, you’re right. They’re not afraid.” She could no longer hear the music or the talking from downstairs. It was just the two of them, locked in a battle for the future.
“Are you trying to piss me off?”
Any emotion was a win at this point. “I’m trying to wake you up.”
“We can date. I’ve thought about it and that makes the most sense. We date.”
The words knocked against her heart, hard, as if he’d hit her with a stick. Silence beat around them. She knew then the crowd downstairs was listening in. The music hummed low in the background, but quiet filled the space as if they were all holding their collective breath. “And then what?”
“I don’t know.”
“Because you still don’t see a future. You don’t let yourself dream and believe. Your heart is locked back in that cave in Afghanistan.”
She knew about those dark days. The night after they’d buried Rod, Zach had talked even more about knowing Holden was on the other side of that mountain tunnel but not knowing if he was alive or dead.
The story gave her hope. It had given her a brief glimpse into the depth of his feeling. She knew he could grieve and feel; he just fought it with everything he had. “You open your soul to your friends here, but only so much.”
“I don’t know what you want from me.”
“And that’s the problem.”
“You want a mind reader, Sela. Tell me and I’ll try to give it to you.”
“What?”
“Whatever it is you need.”
He thought it was that simple. She would hand him a checklist and he would try to match it. “I want a man who will leap with me. Maybe not today or this year, but I have to know it can happen. That he wants to try.”
He swore under his breath. “And people say I’m cryptic.”
“I used to think so. I don’t anymore.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’re scared.”
He dropped onto the bed with his elbows on his knees and his hands hanging down. “Insults aren’t going to fix this.”
“No, nothing is.” She leaned over, her heart full and her eyes burning, and kissed him on the top of the head. “Good night, Zach.”
“You mean goodbye.”
She reached the top of the steps and turned around. “Yeah.”
LUKE STEPPED UP BESIDE ZACH when he came downstairs and handed him a beer. “You know this is a party, right?”
Zach couldn’t take his eyes off Sela. She’d made some stupid ultimatum, one he didn’t even know was a big deal until she walked out. Seeing her go down those stairs took something from him. He’d gone from feeling lighter, calmer, to fighting the old battle with anxiety.
“Sure.” He didn’t even know what question he was answering as he sipped on the drink.
“You’re more quiet than usual.”
“Is that a problem?”
Adam appeared on Zach’s other side. “And strangely sensitive.”
Zach reached down deep for control. He could not lose it now. Not here. Not in front of the only people in the world who mattered to him. “Sorry.”
Adam shrugged. “I’ll live.”
“Sela.” The syllables ripped out of Zach. It actually hurt to say her name.
Luke and Adam stared at each other, but only Luke spoke. “Excuse me?”
“She’s leaving after the party.” He couldn’t believe after the past few days she’d go. He tried everything he could think of to bind her to him. They were together. He’d made love to her.
None of it was enough to hold her. She wanted what Luke had. What the rest of them had. She didn’t understand that he wasn’t them. That he had this anger he had to control.
“You’re letting her go?” Adam asked.
“She’s a grown woman.”
“No question about that.”
Zach knew without looking that Adam was watching Sela as he said it. “Don’t.”
“I’m not blind, but my real question was about why you aren’t fighting to make her stay.”
“She’s not Claire. Not Maddie or any of them.”
Luke’s eyes narrowed. “True.”
“She’s young.”
“Last I checked she was of age,” Adam pointed out.
They weren’t getting it. It wasn’t really about her. It was about him. “I’m not that guy.”
“I have no idea what that means.” Adam leaned around Zach to look at Luke. “You?”
“None.”
He kept trying to explain but no one was getting it. Sela acted like it didn’t matter, like she actually was willing to see if he could go the distance.
For the first time he did wonder about her taste in men. Picking him had not been a great move. They were thrown together and, adrenaline or not, she should have open eyes by now.
“The couple thing?” He shook his head. “Not me.”
“And you know this how?” Luke asked.
“What?”
“You
have a lot of experience as a couple and I missed it?” Luke lowered his voice. “And don’t tell me about your previous marriage. You were a kid and never around. That was playing house. I’m talking about a real relationship.”
This wasn’t about that. Zach knew that much. He could separate the bad choices of the past from what he felt for Sela. This was about a bigger issue with who he was and what he’d become.
He didn’t just hunt bad guys, he enjoyed seeing them pay. It was bloodthirsty and totally beneath Sela. “She wants a husband and a normal life.”
Adam seemed surprised at that one. “She wants to get married now?”
“Someday.”
“To you?”
“I don’t know.”
Luke exhaled as he put his empty glass on the table next to him. “Seems to me you’re skipping a few steps. Like the ones where you get to know each other.”
Sela laughed and Zach could hear it across the room. The sound rushed through him, extinguishing some of the darkness. She nearly doubled over with her hand over her mouth. He didn’t know what was so funny, but he wanted her to do it again.
He shook his head. This was nuts. He had to get out. “I’m getting a headache.”
When he turned to leave, Luke grabbed his arm. “You deserve her, you know.”
“I don’t.”
“You’re one of the most decent men I know and you don’t even realize it.” Adam nodded in agreement to Luke’s words.
Something clogged Zach’s throat. “You don’t—”
“Know you wrestle with anger? Know you think you’ve lost it and are unworthy and right on the edge? I get that. We all feel that way. It’s the burn-off from what we do and the ghost from everything that came before. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve her.” Luke stared Zach down.
Adam grew serious. “Luke’s right, man.”
Zach looked back and forth between the men he viewed as brothers. They believed in him when he refused to believe in himself. He wanted to see what they saw, but he’d buried it for so long, afraid to lose one more thing, to fail to stop the deaths of the innocent and the people he cared about.
“Do you love her?” Luke’s voice was calmer now, less confrontational.
The Big Guns Page 15
