by L A Cotton
“What? It’s Wednesday and I thought you said he was out of town.” My voice quivered.
“Well, he’s back, and don’t fret, darlin’, I’ll be right there with you.”
As if it was some kind of cruel joke, there was a knock on the door. Sherri went to open it and Troy stood unmoving on the other side. “Car’s here.”
“No shit, Troy. Give us five, yeah? Don kind of sprung this on us with short notice and I need to change.”
Troy’s eyes drifted over to me and flashed with what looked like sympathy. “Sure thing, Sherri.”
Sherri closed the door and rubbed her forehead. “Okay, up you get. We need to work fast.”
“Work fast?”
“You can’t show up looking like that.”
I frowned, looking down at myself. Sherri was right; Donnie wouldn’t appreciate it if I showed up in my worn skinny jeans and baggy blouse, and the last thing I needed was to anger him anymore.
Listen to yourself.
It was as if Dawson had flipped a switch in me, and a piece of myself—the old Joy—had splintered off and was now questioning everything I did. Before, I’d just done what I needed to in order to survive, but now, a small part of me insisted on reminding me what I’d let my life become. Because, at the end of the day, we were all capable of free will, were we not? And even in the direst of circumstances, we could make better choices. Couldn’t we?
The thought left me reeling, and I moved robotically letting Sherri pick out a dress for me, sweep my hair up into a messy ponytail, and gloss my lips with a deep red sheen. Even the cool air, as we made our way out of the house and into the Escalade, did little to penetrate my mood.
Sensing the change in me, she gripped my hand in hers. I didn’t need her words anyway. We both knew I could be walking into a trap—that Donnie could have discovered my visit from Dawson. It was, after all, his town now. It wouldn’t have surprised me if, since Dawson’s return, he had men watching me at all times. In which case, I was screwed.
When we arrived at Shakers, it was quiet; only a few regulars and a couple of Donnie’s men were enjoying the delights of Jenny and Lyla. As Shaun served us our drinks, I glanced around the club paranoid that people would see right through me—that they would take one look at me and see my guilt. Because, for as much as I loathed my situation, I had let Dawson kiss me when I belonged to Donnie.
In a former life, I would have pointed and whispered and judged along with the rest of Chancing’s gossip mill. Once a cheater, always a cheater. No one liked a cheater, but when Dawson’s lips had pressed against mine, everything changed. The gaping hole in my heart rushed with blood, the strings tethering me to this pitiful existence weakened, and something in me awakened.
Lost in the memory of being back in Dawson’s arms, I almost jumped out of my skin when Donnie’s arm snaked around my waist and pulled me back flush against his solid chest, bringing reality crashing down around me. He brushed my bare shoulder chasing his fingers with his lips, and I shuddered, closing my eyes to prevent the tears from falling. When I opened them, Sherri had left me, at his instruction no doubt, but I caught her eye across the room and she nodded discreetly. She had my back; I just hoped she wouldn’t need to. Not tonight.
“I missed you.” Donnie’s words were off, a hint of hesitation there, and a sinking feeling descended over me. He knew, he had to have known, but when he spun me in his arms and I came face to face with him, I realized the source of his strangeness. He was drunk—again. The bitter smell of bourbon assaulted my senses, and I instinctively leaned back.
“You didn’t tell me you were going out of town?”
Something dark flashed in his eyes, and I silently cursed. Why was I picking a fight? Sure, if I pissed him off enough, he might not want me tonight, but I’d still be punished one way or another.
Donnie regarded me, his lips tugging up at one side in a smirk. “Don’t be mad, baby. You know how it is. People to see, places to be. I’m head of the DeLuca family, so I have responsibilities.” He leaned forward again and swept his lips across her shoulder. “I’ll make it up to you.”
Panic replaced my earlier nerves and I pressed a hand to his chest. “I’m not feeling so well, Don. I think I’m getting sick. Maybe I should head home.”
Maybe he doesn’t know after all.
“Sick? Poor baby,” he half mocked, half crooned. “Let me make you feel better.” He grabbed my hand and started pulling me toward the door leading to the back rooms. Sherri caught my eye and asked me a silent question. What the hell are you going to do? I rolled back my shoulders and pulled my lips into a tight line sending a curt nod in her direction.
I would do what I always did—whatever needed to be done.
Donnie wasted no time kicking open the door to his office and pulling me inside. His hands roamed and groped my body. “Fuck, I’ve missed you. Show me how much you need me, baby.”
Desperate fingers slid up my dress and clawed at my panties as stomach acid rushed up into my throat and I fought the urge to retch. The shame of letting him touch me after declaring myself Dawson’s again burned through me, but I had to keep Dawson out of this. He said he could keep me safe, but he didn’t know Donnie—the lengths he would go.
It was better this way. I could protect him. Buy us some time to come up with a better plan. I just had to find a way to keep Donnie happy while holding onto my last shreds of dignity.
“Donnie, Don, I’m really not feeling great. Maybe if-”
His hand stilled and he withdrew his head from my neck to come eye to eye with me. “You’re too sick to fuck your guy?”
Without thinking, I slid my hand up over his crisp white shirt. The planes of his chest were smooth underneath, and if I didn’t know the monster that lived inside, Donnie would have been every woman’s dream. “You know that isn’t true. I just thought we could have a little fun first.”
Excitement sparkled in his soulless eyes. “You hungry, baby?”
I nodded looking him at him through my lashes—never hating myself more than at that moment, but if I was to go through with this, I needed to be somewhere else.
Slipping his hand into his jacket, Donnie pulled out a clear baggie. My body hummed with anticipation, and I leaned into him like a moth drawn to a flame. And suddenly, the line between what needed to be done and what I wanted was blurred.
“This will make you fly, baby. Something special.” He dangled the bag in front of my face and my tongue darted out, sweeping over my bottom lip shamelessly. “Open up.”
Complying, my lips parted and Donnie dropped two pills onto my tongue offering me a bottle of water from his desk. I swallowed hard and didn’t think as I pressed against his body urging him to kiss me. I didn’t care if he got high too; all I needed was to be free of him, far away from this room. Far from what I was about to do.
We kissed and touched all while I locked myself in my own thoughts. Thoughts of Dawson and us and a future I wanted to have. It didn’t take long for the poison to spread, the warm buzz replacing the feel of Donnie’s lips on my skin with tingle after tingle. I was floating, high enough that all the guilt and shame and regret washed away.
“You’re mine, Joy, only mine. Forever,” a voice said as I flew higher and higher.
“Always.”
“Fuck me, baby. Show me how much you love me.”
No.
No! Somewhere in the euphoria coursing through my veins, a voice screamed. I knew I didn’t want to do this—I couldn’t give myself to him again. Not now. But I could give him something else, something that would keep him happy.
I pushed Donnie back and his mouth nipped at my neck. My hands slipped into his pants and pulled his shirt free. He groaned as I scraped my fingernails down his chest and along the waistband of his pants. Still soaring, I dropped to my knees, pulled down the zipper, and freed his dick causing a loud rumble of laughter to erupt from the monster towering over me. I looked up at him and he smirked and said, “Suck it
real good, baby.”
As I wrapped my hand around the base of his erection, I closed my eyes, blinked back the tears, and let myself fly.
Two days after I left Joy, and I’d still not heard a word from her. Two fucking days since I let her convince me to leave, saying she wasn’t kicking me out and that she just needed time. I’d given her time, but still nothing. Maybe Donnie had managed to change her mind or worse, he’d hurt her, done something to her, making it impossible for her to contact me. Surely, she wouldn’t cut me off like she had, not after declaring it had always been me. I’d texted her on Wednesday to ask how she was and I got a response saying she was okay. But that was it. What the fuck? I rubbed my hands over my short hair in frustration.
Flopping onto my bed, I hurled my sneaker across the room; it crashed into the closet door but didn’t make me feel any better so the other one joined it. The bedroom door burst open, and I jerked to up to look at Lex. He braced himself in the doorway and glared at me. “What the hell are you doing, Dawson? You’re being a pain in my ass.”
“I went for a run, there’s nothing to do in this shithole of a town, and you’re busy doing … whatever it is you do. Mikey’s at work, and Joy … who the fuck knows.”
With a loud groan, Lex tipped his head backward. “You’re frustrated, I get it, but you really need to calm the fuck down. One wrong move and Donnie will make his play before we can get anything on him or come up with a plan.”
“I know, I know. But what if something’s happened to her?” I swung my gaze around to stare at Lex, pleading with him to reassure me she was okay. Even if he didn’t believe it, I needed to hear the words.
“If something had happened, we would have heard. She would have gotten in touch with you or Mikey, somehow. Don’t worry, she said she could handle Donnie. Trust her enough to let her do that. I know you love her but …” He shrugged at a loss on how to finish his sentence.
Lex knew all about the girl who held my heart in her hands; he’d heard enough about her back when we were in prison. But since we’d come back to Chancing, it had grown into something different, something more. It wasn’t the same as when we were teenagers. Now, I would do anything to protect her—I needed to protect her—to make sure she was safe. The fact she hadn’t called was eating me up inside, and I felt powerless. I hated the feeling because it reminded me too much of when Dad came to visit me on the inside. Telling me to stay away from everyone I loved and not to bother coming home. It wasn’t as if I could break out and fix things, and by the time I was free, too much time had passed. Joy was supposed to be in California … she was supposed to be long gone. I vowed I would never feel like that again. I needed to do something. I needed to see her.
In a flash, I sat upright. “I’m going to take a shower and then I’ll go see Mikey. Maybe give him a hand.”
Lex regarded me from the doorway, his eyebrow rising at my sudden change of mood. “Okay, good, get out of my hair.” He watched me a few seconds longer before he turned and walked down the stairs.
After I showered and changed, I grabbed the keys to my Camaro and ran down the stairs where I found Lex on his cell. With no time for him to question me, I waved to him on my way out the back door, ignoring him when he rose out his chair and signaled to me. Fortunately, he didn’t follow me out as I jogged to the garage and brought out my pride and joy. Just sitting in the car made me feel better, and as I turned onto the street, I ignored the fact I was about to drive into town and stake out the diner.
I was in luck and found a parking space across the street from Hank’s. I pulled in and killed the engine. It afforded me a good view of the diner. The blinds were up on the glass window at the front and I could see waitresses moving about inside as they served customers. It wasn’t busy, only a handful of diners, and I settled down in my seat to watch for her.
My eyes picked her out immediately. Joy walked past the window, stopped at an empty table, and began to wipe it down. She was too thin, and while she’d always been delicate, she was a shell of the girl I once knew. From the day we arrived back in town, I noticed the difference. It was her eyes. Where once they sparkled and were full of life, now they were empty and defeated. Like she’d already accepted the hand that she had been dealt and wasn’t going to do anything to change it.
My cell vibrated and I snatched it up from the where it lay on the seat next to me without looking at who was calling. I scanned the diner quickly, but Joy was nowhere in sight. It could be her, and my heart soared. “Yeah.”
“Where the fuck are you?”
Irritation replaced my momentary excitement and my gut twisted. I groaned into the receiver. “Lex. What do you want?”
“Where are you?”
“I told you I was going to see Mikey-” A flash of red caught my eye, and I sat up straighter as my eyes found her again.
“But you’re not there, are you? You’re sitting outside the diner spying on Joy like some creeper.”
“How did you know?”
“Because I know you, man.”
I gritted my teeth and ignored him, craning my head to get a better view.
“Listen, Dawson, this isn’t like you. Yeah, you’re hotheaded and have a tendency to act before you think it through, but she’s got you tied up in knots.”
“I need to know she’s okay.” Part of it was guilt; I felt to blame for the situation she was in, but the rest of it … it was because I loved her. Because if anything happened to her by Donnie’s hand, I would never be able to forgive—and I wouldn’t be held responsible for my actions.
“Dawson …” He sighed heavily and I pictured him shaking his head in despair.
“Just leave it, Lex.” My tone held a note of warning for him not to push it. A warning he chose to ignore.
“No.” The sharpness of his tone surprised me; I was the one with the bad temper, not Lex. He was levelheaded and kept me in check.
“What?”
“You need to back off and give her some space. If she sees you out there stalking her, you’ll freak her out. She’ll think you don’t trust her.”
“I want to know why she hasn’t been in touch.”
I heard an intake of breath and waited for what was coming next, but instead, he exhaled softly. “Go and see Mikey. She’ll be in touch soon enough.” The line went dead, no good-bye, nothing. I threw the cell onto the passenger seat and tipped my head back. Rubbing my eyes, I let out a groan of frustration. This fucking sucked. Lex was right, about everything, of course. Joy would freak if she saw me sitting outside in my car.
I gathered up my cell phone and climbed out of the car, but I couldn’t resist one last look up at the diner, just in case I caught another glimpse of her. And there she was, chatting with a couple sitting by the window, pouring them coffee. I watched as she smiled and laughed at whatever they were saying as if everything was all right. As though it hadn’t been two long-ass days since I’d seen her or heard from her.
I turned away as she straightened and pulled out her order pad but not fast enough. She caught me staring. Her eyes widened and her mouth parted, but that was all the reaction I got because she started to write on the order pad before she turned abruptly and disappeared out of sight.
There was no option now but to visit Mikey; it’s why I’d come here anyway, wasn’t it? Going into the diner now wouldn’t be a good move; she probably wouldn’t even serve or speak to me. Kind of like the day we arrived back in town. Accosting her on her break wasn’t the answer either. I needed to give her space, so reluctantly, I started in the direction of Mikey’s garage.
It might have been the weekend, but that didn’t stop my brother. He’d been working on Saturdays for as long as I could remember. Growing up, he loved nothing more than to hang out here. Back then, our uncle had owned the garage, and when we were kids, we would come here to watch him work. While I had an interest in cars, for Mikey, it was a passion. He loved figuring out how things worked, and he could fix anything.
“H
ey, Mikey,” I shouted as I entered the garage. It wasn’t until I rounded the old Ford that I saw him bent over the engine.
“Be with you in a second,” came a muffled voice, and I kicked back on the chair in the corner and waited. The choice of magazines to browse was poor, but out of boredom, I picked up a tattered, dirty copy of Hot Rod.
When he’d finished, Mikey slammed the hood down on the Ford and wiped off his hands as he walked over to the sofa. “So Lex was looking for you?” He grinned at me, his hair dirty from engine oil and sticking up at odd angles. His whole face was grubby—an occupational hazard.
“Yeah, he called,” I grumbled, and Mikey grinned even more.
“Fancy a beer?” He flopped down on the sofa and stretched his legs out in front of him.
“You’ve got beer in your garage?”
“A customer brought it in as a thank-you. I was going to bring it home tonight, but if you want one …”
It had been a long day, and it was only midafternoon. Shrugging, I said, “Yeah, why not. Leave your truck, I’ll have one and drive. My car’s outside.”
“Outside the diner more like.” He laughed as I flipped him off. The smile on his face faded, as did mine. I’d forgotten for about five seconds what had brought me here. I ran my hand over my short hair and looked up to find Mikey staring at me.
“What in the hell happened, Mike? How did we get here?”
“I don’t know, little brother. Haven’t a fucking clue.”
“It was so much easier then. You were all about fixing cars and I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do, but I was still a teenager, so all that was way too serious to think about. One stupid mistake and it all went to hell. I lost my future, my family, and my girl.”
“It wasn’t all your fault. Donnie had a part to play. You don’t think he could have stayed and taken the blame too?”
“I told him to go,” I replied in a glum voice. Sometimes, I wondered why in the hell I’d done that. Joy, yeah, but Donnie?
