by L A Cotton
No. We couldn’t change the past.
This was who we were now.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I slipped off my shoes and placed my feet up on the dash of Mikey’s truck. Dawson really wasn’t joking when he’d said he had an idea.
When I’d woken in his bed this morning, Dawson’s side was empty. After texting Hank to let him know I wouldn’t be in for a few days, I traipsed downstairs to make myself coffee. Hank replied that he already knew I was taking some time off, and I guessed Dawson was responsible. Part of me wanted to kick his ass for making the decision for me, but I finally realized he was right—I had to trust him to keep me safe.
Coffee in hand, I went to sit in the living room. Mikey and Lex were already up and informed me that Dawson had gone for a run. When he returned, he acted as if nothing had happened between us last night. Just went about making pancakes like everything was normal. Exhausted and cranky, I went along with it. If Dawson didn’t want to deal with this thing between us, then neither did I.
“My ideas are always the best.” Dawson winked and relaxed back in his seat and memories flooded my mind. How we used to borrow Mikey’s truck to drive out to the old sawmill on the edge of town. We’d pack a basket and sit in the back of a truck surrounded by the abandoned band saw and rotting red cedars. The whole place looked ready to crumble to the ground, yet it was our place. Our escape.
“No,” I gasped. “You wouldn’t. Not after the last time.”
Dawson’s lips turned up into a smile, and he laughed. “Oh yes, I would. I’ll never forget the look on your face when old Cullen Doherty came at us with that pitchfork threatening to call Deputy Pralins.”
“Is it even still out here? I haven’t been since …” I trailed off silently cursing myself for bringing up the past.
“I drove out here the other day. Part of the roof has fallen in and the logs have mostly gone, but it’s still standing.”
Just like us. I settled back into the seat and watched the fields rush by. Was Dawson trying to find what we once had? This place—the sawmill—was everything to us back then. My heart ached for him. For us. Everything had been so simple then; just two teenagers in love with their whole lives ahead of them. I was set to attend college in California, and Dawson, already out of high school, couldn’t have been more proud. Told everyone he could that his girl was going to make it big. He was going to come with me. Get a job, find a cute little apartment, and we were going to make a life for ourselves. People might have thought us crazy—too young to know that we wanted to spend our lives together, but when you grew up in a town like Chancing, all you had were your dreams.
And Dawson was mine.
“See it?”
I strained my eyes, dusk making it difficult to see into the distance. “I think I see it.”
Easy silence settled over us as I watched the sawmill draw closer. Dawson tapped his finger against the wheel in a methodical rhythm, and I imagined him humming a tune. He always loved music. I doubted he got much time for that in his new line of work.
“What’s it like?” I blurted out.
“What?”
“Your job. What you do. I mean, what the hell are you?”
Dawson scrubbed a hand over his five-o-clock shadow and blew out a long breath. “Shit, Joy, that’s a question I’m not used to answering. It’s kind of a need-to-know situation.”
“Please, try. For me,” I pleaded. I needed to hear this. Needed to know who Dawson was now.
“Okay, but you have to understand, a lot of what we do is confidential. Under the radar stuff. We don’t make a habit of talking about work.”
I nodded.
“The first job I went on with Lex and his team, I was so scared I almost shit myself. Lex took a huge risk taking me in. His old man lost it, but Aidan, his older brother, saw something in me. I can’t go into details, but we ended up in Nigeria. I’d spent months preparing. But nothing could have prepared me for what I saw there. Aidan is ex-special forces, Lex, ex-navy SEALS. The rest of the team are like goddamn GI Joes. It was just another day for them, but for me, it changed everything.”
It didn’t feel real, hearing Dawson talk about such things, and a sinking feeling swept over me.
“The scars?” I whispered, unsure if I wanted to know.
“This one here,” Dawson touched a finger to his hairline. “A bullet clipped me. I thanked Jesus that day.”
I inhaled a sharp breath. He made it sound so insignificant when all I could think was ‘you almost died.’ My stomach somersaulted. If something had happened to Dawson, he would have never made it back to Chancing—to me.
“Hey.” His hand brushed my knee bringing me back into the moment. “I’m fine. It comes with the territory. Some jobs suck worse than others do. But I’m fine, Joy. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere again without you.”
We watched the stars through the hole in the roof. The whole building was probably ready to fall at any moment, but it didn’t matter. In a place that would have sent most people running, I’d never felt more at peace. The deafening silence, the lingering scent of dead cedars, and even the rust bucket band saw. It was all perfect. Dawson had brought us here to remember and, despite our strained conversation in the truck, it had worked.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“For what?” Dawson traced his fingers along the curve of my hand, and I closed my eyes.
“For bringing me here.”
Dawson rolled to his side, the wooden platform creaking under his movement. “I needed to show you. To tell you it’s still you and me. It always was. I just-” His eyes flickered away and my chest cracked.
“I know. You can’t be with me. Not after, not after what I’ve done.”
His eyes opened and locked with mine. “I want you so much. I’ve wanted you since I laid eyes on you in Hank’s Diner. I never gave up hope that we’d find our way back to one another, I just never thought …”
Dawson looked like he might he choke on his words, so I finished his sentence. “You never thought I’d be with Donnie.”
A grim smile tugged at his mouth, and a tear slipped from my eye. A surge of hunger shot through me stealing the breath from my lungs. It was like a conditioned response in me—pain equaled needing a high. Because the high would numb the pain. Let me forget just for a second.
“What? What are you thinking?” Dawson brushed his thumb across my jaw.
I shook my head. He didn’t need to know how deep my issues ran.
“Joy, what is it? Why do you look like you’re ready to leap up and bolt from me?”
“Leave it, Dawson,” I snapped losing control to the craving.
Realization dawned on his face and he said, “You want to get high, don’t you? I brought you here to spend time with you, to try and explain things to you, and all you can think about is that shit?” His voice was full of anger, and I reared back.
Swinging my legs over the platform, I stood up and started to pace. “It’s not like that. I just… when shit gets too much, when things hurt, my mind goes there. It helps.”
Dawson came to stand in front of me. “Help? Are you fucking kidding me? That shit will kill you. Or have you forgotten the state Mikey found you in. I’ve tried to understand, give you time-”
“But what?” I beat him to it. “You’ve finally realized that this is who I am and you can’t handle it? Is that it? Or maybe, you don’t want the local junkie to ruin your new shiny badass reputation. Yeah, I bet Lex must think you’ve lost your balls chasing around town after someone like me?”
“Joy.” Dawson stepped forward, but I moved back dodging him.
“No. Let’s get it all out in the open. I’m tainted goods, right? First, you find out I’m fucking Donnie, and then, the double blow—I’m using. That must’ve stung like hell given you went to prison for me. For running drugs. Oh, the irony.” I was screaming now. Wild, I jabbed my hands into the air punctuating each point while Dawson watched me, expression
less.
“Never even smoked some weed? Bet Maverick Defense wouldn’t like that. They make you do drugs testing? Pee in a bottle monthly? Shame, sex on coke is something, but sex on X; you haven’t lived until you’ve had sex on X.”
Dawson grabbed my wrists and yanked me toward him. “Enough.”
“Oh, I’m just getting started.” I smiled up at him like a mad woman, but Dawson didn’t flinch.
“No, I think you’re done.”
My mouth crashed into hers, and when my tongue slipped past Joy’s lips and into her mouth, it shut her up. At last. Anything to stop her from saying those things about herself. That was not how I saw her, not at all. The crap she was spewing about herself annoyed the hell out of me, but seeing her so fired up, with the spark in her eyes, turned me on. She wasn’t tainted; the problem was all me. I was the one who struggled to come to terms with the way things had turned out. Hadn’t I already told her the past didn’t matter? I needed to get over it and prove to her that I didn’t care what had happened or that she’d been Donnie’s girl. She was mine now.
Kissing her seemed to be the best solution for both of us. As soon as my lips fused with hers, I lifted her, and automatically, her legs wrapped around my waist, bringing the heat from between her legs into close contact with my diamond-hard erection. A dam burst and our kisses grew frantic. I was done holding back.
Walking over to the platform, I lowered her down onto the blanket. My lips never left hers as I knelt down between her legs, my body curved over her. I wanted her—I had all along—I just needed to turn off the part of my brain that insisted on reminding me she had been with Donnie. Would it have mattered if it had been some other random guy who I didn’t know? What about the few women I’d been with since I got out of prison. Joy had always held my heart, but after my father had told me she’d gotten as far away from Chancing—from me—as possible, there had been casual hook-ups. This was a fresh start for both of us if I could get my head out of my ass and not screw it up by dwelling on Donnie and Joy’s relationship. I wanted to erase Donnie from her mind and his touch from her body, so the only one she would think of was me. No way would I give him the satisfaction of destroying us a second time.
Rocking back on my heels, I looked down at her, lips red and swollen from our kisses, her hair splayed out on the blanket underneath her. The way her chest heaved rapidly as she stared back at me, wild-eyed. Need, want, lust—it was all there in her eyes. It kept me grounded, knowing she was here with me, mind and body—not like when she’d been with Donnie, always needing to be high. The longer I stared, the more restless she became, but I’d missed looking at her. I would never tire of staring at her body.
Her small pink tongue darted out, and she licked her lips, nervous. “Dawson, we-”
“Shhh.” I shook my head from side to side. Her lips pressed together and she dipped her head in a tiny movement. I leaned forward and pulled her up to sitting as my fingers found the bottom of her skimpy tank top and pulled it over her head.
The coolness of the night air caused her to shiver and small goosebumps pebbled her skin. My dark gaze swept down to her full breasts, erect nipples strained against the lace of her bra. Reaching out, my fingertips traced along her collarbone in opposite directions to her shoulders, trailing down between the valley of her breasts to finger the edge of her lacy bra. Joy watched through lowered lids, and I held her gaze with my own smouldering one as I pulled away the cup of her bra, exposing her to me and the night air. A deep moan followed her small gasp when I dipped my head and my mouth closed around her nipple.
Small fingers threaded through my hair, raking along my scalp as she tugged. I tipped my head up to flash her a wicked smile before I continued lower. Kissing down her flat stomach to the top of her jeans, I unfastened them and slid a hand lower to run over the outside of her panties.
Joy lay there, her breathing harsh as I removed all of her clothes while I remained fully clothed. She was happy to let me stare at her, naked in front of me, and even managed to stop squirming.
“I want you, Joy. I have all along,” I muttered, more to myself as my voice caught in my throat.
“I’m all yours,” she said in a hushed voice and sat up. Trembling hands disappeared under my t-shirt as her palms swept over my abs, taut under her gentle touch. I reached back behind and pulled my t-shirt over my head causing her to pause while her eyes skimmed over every inch of exposed flesh. A fresh wave of desire flooded her gaze, and I couldn’t fight my grin.
Her hands fell to the waistband of my jeans and rested there while she continued to stare. When she bit down on her lip, my dick swelled, painfully hard, desperate to escape from my ever-tightening jeans.
“Joy.” Her eyes flicked up at the sound of my agonized groan, and it was her turn to grin. Slowly, she undid the fastening and slid my zipper down, the pressure on my dick easing. Her thumbs hooked into the side of my jeans and boxers and pushed them down my thighs. My erection sprung free, and Joy dodged out the way.
Pushing up to standing, I struggled out of my jeans, grabbed my wallet, and took out a condom before tossing them both down onto the blanket. Joy hadn’t taken her eyes off me. Wide, glassy eyes tracked every movement, the look in them gave me further encouragement, and I knelt down in front of her. Parting her legs, my hands pressed into the flesh of her inner thigh, baring her to me. Leaning down, my lips claimed hers, kissing her like a man possessed. Her tongue fought with mine. She kept reaching for me, but we were doing this my way. I kissed a path from her lips, along her jawline, and down her neck, pausing to nibble on the pulse beating furiously. She let out a long, drawn-out whimper as I sucked on her skin. At the same time, my thumbs inched upward toward the apex of her thighs.
My fingers slid over her clit and dipped inside her, causing a full body shudder. My lips made their way to her full tits and drew one nipple and then the other into my mouth, teasing each one so her back bowed off the ground, pushing herself further into me. Two fingers slipped inside her while my thumb worked her clit over and over, her soft moans increased as her hips rocked against my hand. Finally, my lips kissed their way back up to meet hers.
“Dawson,” she whimpered, her voice full of need. Need for me and the release she was so desperate for. Kissing her back, I withdrew my hand from between her legs. Cruel, I knew—I’d left her hanging—but I would finish this inside her.
Reaching to the side of her, I felt for the condom wrapper and wrestled the circle of latex out of the wrapper and over my erection.
“You okay?” I asked. Checking this was what she really wanted, I gave her one last chance to change her mind.
“Dawson, please,” she pleaded, and my grin widened a notch.
“What, Joy …?” I asked, feigning innocence, knowing full well I’d left her wanting more.
“Dawson.” She reached for me, but I captured her wrists and pinned them above her head, my knees keeping her legs wide.
“Tell me,” I demanded, my voice a hushed whisper. My blue eyes dared her to tell me exactly what she wanted.
“Fuck me.” Her eyes flared turning my grin wicked.
With her wrists still in my grasp, I took hold of the base of my dick, and in one swift movement, I was balls deep inside her and it felt fucking amazing. I took a moment to revel in the feeling of being deep and snug inside her before I could move.
Joy’s head tipped back, exposing her throat, and I brought my lips down to brush it. She leveled her eyes at me and couldn’t look away as I drove deeper into her. Hard and fast, I rolled my hips until her moans grew louder and louder. She was close but fucking hell so was I. It had been too long, and when the tingling sensation at the bottom of my spine started, I thrust deeper. I couldn’t look away, my gaze trained on her as every stroke, every kiss, drove her demons away. Erased Donnie’s touch from her body and replaced it with mine. I was there for her, I wouldn’t let her fall, I would be whatever she needed. Her breath faltered as I pushed us both closer to our climax
. Her inner muscles fluttered and clamped down on my dick as she came. A look of rapture spread over her face, glazed eyes looked back up at me. I thrust into her once more and a tsunami of pleasure crashed over me as I came. My whole body sagged, and my head dropped to the crook of her neck as I fought to catch my breath.
I shifted to lay on the side of Joy and gathered her into my arms. She burrowed her head into my chest while I lightly stroked along her spine. When she shivered, I looked down at her.
“Cold?”
“A little,” she replied but burrowed deeper into me and my arms tightened around her. We lay in silence, allowing our racing hearts to slow to a more normal pace.
“Was that better than having sex on coke?” I joked but caught the way she winced as she looked up at me. She leaned up, brushed a kiss over my lips, and smiled. “Way better.” I kissed her back and smiled. I was making light of it—I knew her addiction was worse than she let on. But I could only deal with one serious problem at a time. Once Donnie was out our lives once and for all, then I could concentrate on getting Joy whole and well again.
Rolling over onto my back, I pulled her on top of me. Her legs fell on either side of me, and my dick sprang to life at the sight of her full, round tits swaying in front of me. Joy sat back, her palms resting on my chest, and grinned.
“Is there anywhere we need to be?” She tilted her head to the side in a playful manner. Showing a side of her that I’d missed. I shook my head, a smile spreading across my lips; this sounded promising.
“Nope. Not for a while. Mikey wants to cook out tonight, but we can be late,” I assured her as I fumbled at my side for my wallet to pull out another condom and handed it to her.
As Joy slid it over my dick, my eyes rolled back in my head and I pushed everything else from my mind. I was determined not to let Donnie get between us. Joy was with me, and once this was all over and done with, I was getting her as far away from here as possible.
