Tattered & Torn

by A. J. Downey

  “Which home, Princess?” she looked so fragile before she said,

  “Ours,” and I nodded. Forgiven I was not, but it was a start.

  “We’re gonna stay here tonight,” I looked to Dragon, “I need to go back to my place and get it cleaned up,” Dragon shook his head.

  “Your brothers got that shit handled but we do need to talk,” he said. I nodded. “Club meetin’ in three hours. That’ll give everyone enough time to get their ass back here,” he turned to go and then turned back to Shelly.

  “You did good Chica. We’re all proud as hell at how you handled yourself. You need anything, you let us know,” Shelly nodded and looked a touch overwhelmed.

  “I killed a man Dragon, I don’t know if he had family or if he had kids… I just don’t know any of that,” she covered her mouth with her hand and Dragon’s look softened.

  “You did what you had to do Baby Girl. Ain’t no one, not even God his self can fault you for that,” and with that parting shot he went back out into the hall and disappeared in the direction of the common room.

  “That’s cold comfort,” she whispered and I looked her over.

  “Not meant to be a comfort, Princess. It’s just the truth,” she tucked her head under my chin, folding her tall lithe frame against me to do it and put her ear over my heart. I held her and rocked her, glad she was back and just wishing I could put all the broken pieces back together somehow.

  The girls came and took over when it got to be time for me to go out front for the club meeting. They’d put Shelly in Reave’s room when they’d arrived not knowing the full 411 on what was up and I was glad for that. I tucked her in and kissed her carefully. There was no TV in here so Evy, Chandra, Ashton, Hayden and Red made do crowding around a laptop while they watched some show or other that they were all in to.

  I went out front and gave Reaver eighty bucks out of my wallet. “Get you the other twenty when I can hit an ATM,” I told him and he nodded. A hard set to his jaw. I sighed.

  “She wants to go home,” I tried and he looked at me, and I was grateful his expression was heated instead of empty.

  “Fuck you man,” was all he said and I nodded.

  “Fair enough,” that was all I could say because Dragon was calling the meeting to order.

  “Right, so this is what’s what!” he said and laid everything out on the line. The eye for an eye we’d taken the night after Thanksgiving, and the attack carried out on Shelly tonight.

  “We did use this to our advantage some,” Trigger said quietly.

  “What’d you do?” someone called. Duracell answered for our Sergeant At Arms.

  “Strung up their trash on their fucking front gate with a message,” Blue looked positively feral. Dray nodded and Dragon spoke up.

  “This is what I want. Data, get me everything you can on the dude broke into Ghost’s place and got himself perished. No one rides alone, or if you do you do it slick backed until further notice. So far these cunts are on the losing end of things. I want to keep it that way,” he looked judicious.

  “I also want to see what else we can come up with on getting them to relocate. Put a strangle hold on their money makers and operations. Go on the offensive a bit. Remember! No women, no children! Protect what’s ours and fuck these motherfuckers!” Nods and murmurs of agreement swept through the assembled brothers. I just wanted to get back to my woman.

  Dragon went through some other things and the meeting was adjourned. Guys got up and some went for the bar, others back towards the media rooms and one went for the front door to let in some of the women who hung around and were freezing their asses off in short skirts in the parking lot. I turned to go and Reaver caught me by the arm.

  “You fucking hurt her again…” he intoned and I jerked my arm out of his grasp.

  “Yeah, I get it! For fucks sake man! I fucked up, and you can stay fucking pissed at me for as long as you like but right this second my girl is in there hurting and needs me, so fuck you and your high horse, I got shit to take care of!” I stalked off back to his room without a backwards glance stopping in the doorway. Shelly looked a little strained around the edges and was talking softly with the girls. The laptop was closed and resting in Everett’s lap, her friend Mandy sitting cross legged on the floor.

  “Hey,” I said and watched the reactions, Ashton and Mandy both startled as did Shelly but with Shelly’s recent trauma and Ashton’s history of abuse that was to be expected. I focused on Mandy for a second but Everett, ever her best friend’s human shield got up and stole the attention away from the redhead.

  “You want we should stay?” she asked Shelly in that thick Irish brogue of hers. Shelly shook her head.

  “I’ll be fine,” she murmured. The girls were all giving me a mix of disapproving looks ranging from eye rolls to glaring daggers.

  “Get the fuck out if all you’re gonna do is judge,” I told them. They rose to their feet, and painted on scowls and I didn’t give a fuck. They left casting Shelly worried glances and shut the door behind them. She sagged a bit and I went to her, tucking her in a bit at a loss for anything else to do.

  “Hungry?” I asked her.

  “And thirsty. The girls wanted to get me something but the meeting was between them and the kitchen.”

  “What do you feel like?” I asked her and she laughed a little.

  “Why do I feel like a kid who just had something happen so the parents let them eat whatever junk food they want?” I smiled.

  “I guess it’s kind of like that.”

  “Ice cream doesn’t fix nearly getting raped again and shooting a man in the face,” she said bitterly.

  “No it doesn’t,” I intoned gravely. A long silence ensued.

  “Could I just have some water?” she asked finally. I nodded.

  “Whatever you want,” I kissed the top of her head and someone cleared their throat in the doorway. I turned. Reaver stood with a bottle of water in his hand.

  “He still being a dick to you?” Shelly asked me.

  “Yeah,” Reaver answered petulantly and I couldn’t help it, I laughed which earned me a scowl from the scary ass motherfucker.

  “Well knock it off,” Shelly said irritated, and she leaned back tiredly. “You don’t know everything Reave and it ain’t your business but I’d like to hope that we’re going to be grownups and work through this,” she said it with her eyes closed and opened them, pinning me with a pleading gaze.

  “I’d like that,” I murmured.

  “I mean it,” she said, “I can’t handle any more shit falling apart around me. I want a normal, a constant, so fucking bad. One that doesn’t fall on just Reaver’s shoulders anymore,” she looked at her cousin, “You’ve been babysitting my ass since the moment I was born; you can’t do it forever. You have Hayden and Connor and I need to put my big girl panties on some time.”

  “Oh, Honey. No one is expecting you to bounce back so quickly from all of this,” we all turned to see Hayden in the doorway. She went to her husband and twined her arms around his waist.

  “She’s right Baby Cuz. I just want you to be safe, to be okay. I don’t like seeing you like this. Especially when it could have been prevented,” he looked at me pointedly.

  “Blow it out your ass Reaver!” Shelly scoffed. “That son of a bitch could have gotten me at any point. Leaving that fancy therapist’s office, or what if Ghost had to go out on a tow and the protection detail you secret squirrel decided we all needed without giving us the heads up we needed, didn’t show up? Whose fault would it have been then? How about you stop blaming everyone except the person whose fault this really is?” She stared her cousin down.

  “It’s not Ghost’s fault. It’s not my fault either!” she put up a hand to stop him when he opened his mouth. “It’s Sparks’ fault. It’s the man who attacked me’s fault. It’s The Suicide King’s fault! Now I don’t care what you have to do, but do it. Just don’t get arrested,” she looked from me to her cousin, “That goes for all
of you,” she said and Reaver looked taken aback.

  “When the fuck did you grow up?” he demanded.

  “Obviously when you weren’t looking,” she said wearily. Hayden glowed with pride. I had no fucking idea what the girls had talked about but it had done Shelly some good.

  “Anything else there Princess?” Reaver asked adopting my nickname for his cousin.

  “Yeah, fucking feed me. I want a god damned burger and I want my Old Man to cuddle me.”

  And Shelly was back to her old fireball self, sort of. She sent Reaver and Hayden out and demanded they close the door behind them. Suddenly it was just her and I and no distractions.

  “Never again,” she intoned and her sapphire eyes welled, she sniffed and pinned me with a fierce look that I more than deserved.

  “I’m a flirt, I’m not a cheat and if you ever accuse me of being unfaithful, say such ugly things to me ever again, I walk. I won’t do it, Ghost. I don’t deserve it and I won’t be crucified for the sins of some crazy bitches I’ve never met.”

  I nodded slowly, “I hear you loud and clear Princess. I… I am so sorry. I found that shirt and just all common sense flew out the fucking window. I saw red. I didn’t even give you the chance to explain I just let fly with my temper and I… I don’t deserve a second chance, but I’m gonna take it. I’m going to do better, do right by you. I p– “she put up her hand stopping me cold and swallowed hard.

  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Ghost. I’ve had too many of them,” she murmured and tears slipped down her battered and bruised face. I felt my heart dissolve into a pool of acid and I shook my head.

  “I promise. I can keep it, I will keep it or I’ll fucking die trying. Just say you’re mine, and it’s done, Baby,” I held my breath while she looked me over.

  “I mean it Derek. Never. Again.”

  “I am so tired of fucking up with you,” I hung my head and shook it. I was so fucking pissed at myself, I wanted to hit something, to scream, to rage and let it all out but there wasn’t any way to do that here, now, not without fucking everything up even more.

  Shelly took one of my hands between the both of hers and sighed, “We keep butting heads over the past, over history neither of us can fix or rewrite or erase… I get how deeply they hurt you Derek, but I’m not them… I’m a slut, sure, but in my world that isn’t mutually exclusive with a lack of monogamy. I want you, for whatever reason, my heart chooses you,” she gave me a pleading look and I nodded gravely. I massaged her hands with mine and kissed her forehead gently.

  “Okay,” I murmured and nodded, “I hear you, Shelly, loud and clear and I’ll do better, I really care about you, what happens to you, and I’ve been so wrapped around the axle…” I sighed, “So yeah, okay. I’m here and I want to build a life with you. I want to see you smile again and I want to make you feel good about yourself and maybe I just need you to teach me how to do that.”

  She smiled wanly, “It’s really easy Ghost… Just love me, believe in me and try to trust me,” she murmured.

  “I can do that,” I agreed and never had I been more determined to do anything in my life.

  “I’m still here,” she said softly and brought the back of my hand to her lips, she placed a reverent kiss there and it was the most achingly beautiful thing I had ever felt or seen. Her forgiveness.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I promised her, she folded against me and I held her close and we stayed like that for a really long time. I would never be such a god damned fool again.

  Chapter 33

  Shelly…

  “Let me get your door,” Ghost was driving me slightly insane. It was nearly a full week before we had come back to the house. He’d had me stay at the club where he knew I would be safe while he worked. He kept using the excuse that the house needed work or to be cleaned or this and that or the other.

  Now finally I was here and about to get out of the truck and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t dreading it from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. Ghost helped me down from his truck and lifted down my small suitcase I’d been living out of at the club from behind the seat. I hugged myself, breath fogging the early December air and followed him to the kitchen door.

  “You sure you’re ready?” he asked me concerned and I scowled at him.

  “Just open the fucking door! It’s freezing out here!” I snapped and his expression softened, he knew I wasn’t snapping at him, that my anxiety was just running at an all-time high.

  “I love your face,” he said and I made one at him. I still looked like shit and would for another week or so. He’d started saying it when I’d started complaining about how awful I looked. He laughed a bit and opened the door and I let my feet carry me forward. I stopped on the threshold and his hand went to my lower back. I startled and he gave me a nudge. I went in and he stepped inside behind me shutting the door tightly.

  The house was warm and almost cheery, and it was as if nothing awful had ever happened. Not a trace of disorder in the comfortable, homey kitchen. I waited for a flashback, for something to happen, for a meltdown, anything, but there was nothing. I guess talking to Dr. Hubbard really had done wonders. I’d gone back and sat in stony silence three days ago before I finally asked him if it was true that whatever I’d say to him couldn’t be repeated at all to anyone. He’d assured me, shown me the laws governing that kind of thing and the consequences that could come of it for him.

  He’d said, “Shelly, my clients depend on me. I’m here to help people, not judge them,” and he’d waited patiently and boy was I glad I was his last client for the day because I told him a lot of shit and he’d listened and taken notes and then, while I waited with a pent up breath he’d said exactly opposite of what I’d been terrified he was going to say…

  “You’re not crazy.”

  That had meant more to me than anything I could ever even say. Now, standing in the kitchen and staring at the place where the man’s body had landed, I wasn’t entirely sure that was wholly accurate.

  “You okay?” Ghost asked me and I startled.

  “I killed a man. Right here,” I said softly.

  “About that,” he said setting down my suitcase and stepping around me. He took me by the hands and pulled out one of the stools beneath the kitchen counter. I sat down obediently. He put a hand flat down on a manila file folder and slid it down the counter at me.

  “What’s this?” I asked softly.

  “Dragon had Data find everything he could on the man you killed,” I blinked and held the folder in my hands with suddenly very numb fingers.

  “What’s in it?” I asked hollowly.

  “You really want me to tell you?” he asked.

  “Would I have asked if I didn’t?” I said a bit sharply. His hands came to rest on my shoulders.

  “Just tryin’ to look out for you, Princess,” I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from popping off with something shitty and unfair but Ghost still wasn’t done flogging himself apparently because he said the first thought that came to my mind.

  “I know, I’ve done a bang up job of it so far but I’m trying here,” he said.

  “I know, and I love you for it,” I murmured and he gasped a bit and I froze, realizing what it was I’d just said. I blinked. It was the first time I had admitted it out loud and it felt pretty good. I looked him in the eyes.

  “I love you,” I said, much stronger this time and his eyes closed and he turned his head savoring the sound. Ghost looked at me and brought his lips carefully to mine. I kissed him. Minding my healing lip and swallowed hard looking at the file folder I held in my hands between us.

  “You going to tell me?” I asked.

  “His name was Robert Heindland. The Suicide Kings called him Heiny, partially because his last name but mostly because he had a habit of showing his ass. He’s been in prison twice, once for armed robbery and once for rape. She was seventeen and he uh,” Ghost cleared his throat, “he cut her up pretty bad.”


  “Jail multiple times for drunk and disorderly, he’s dodged several assault charges. Into drugs, manufacturing, selling, you name it. All around bad dude. No woman, no kids, all though that’s not a for sure, it’s probably safe to say that if he has ‘em they’re better off without him.”

  I opened the folder and flipped through police records and investigation reports and all manner of things likely taken illegally from one database or another. The man who had tried to hurt me was pretty much scum but I still had a hard time with this. I looked at Ghost.

  “Is this supposed to make me feel better?” I asked quietly.

  “No, Princess. You wondered about it and Dragon got you the answers you were seeking but it’s not supposed to make you feel better. Killing someone has serious weight to it,” he said and I stopped being a bitch for a second and hugged him to me. He was taller than me standing while I was seated like this and I fit perfectly under his chin. I startled when I heard the gravel of the drive crunch under tires.

  “Shhhh, it’s just Trig. He wanted to talk to you,” I pulled back and frowned at him.

  “What does he want to talk to me for?” I asked.

  The Big Man rapped lightly at the kitchen door and Ghost opened it. Trigger’s massive frame filled the doorway and he edged into the house.

  “Hey man,” Ghost said and they clasped hands and pulled each other in for a hug. Trigger looked me over and sighed. He opened his arms and cocked his head questioningly and I smiled. I appreciated that he asked and didn’t just go in for the hug. I looked at Ghost who seemed fine with it and I opened my arms and Trigger hugged me gently.

  “Get gone D,” he said to my man and Ghost slipped out the kitchen door and shut it behind him. I blinked, stupefied by the exchange. Trigger pulled out a stool and sat facing me.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Derek knows what happened because he was there that day, but this is something I haven’t even told Reaver, or Ashton,” he said and he pulled his e-cigarette out of his cut and put it in his mouth. He sighed out and took a long thoughtful drag.