by Daniels, J.
“Hey, it’s me. I’m so sorry I missed your calls but I’m in Fulton at the hospital. It’s my mom. She’s dying, Tessa. I got the call from my aunt when I was at the grocery store and I just drove straight here. Can you tell Ben to call me? Or text me or something? I tried calling him but he didn’t answer. Oh and tell Nolan I’m sorry about the pancakes. I’ll make him some the next time I see him.”
“Oh God.” I exit my voicemail and quickly dial her number again, cursing under my breath and moving into the kitchen. She doesn’t pick up and I begin to cry. “Oh my God, Mia, I’m so sorry I missed your call. Nolan was playing with my phone and turned down the volume.” I try to muffle my cries but I’m one of those loud criers and it’s useless. “Jesus, I should be there with you. I’m going to call Ben right now and let him know what’s going on. Just call me when you get a chance, okay? I love you.”
I wipe my eyes and dial Ben’s number. Nolan jumps around on the couch cushions, completely oblivious to me and anything else that isn’t the cartoon he’s watching. Thank God I got his mind off those pancakes. “God damn it.” Ben’s voicemail message begins playing. I wait for the beep and slip farther into the kitchen, trying to get out of earshot of Nolan. “Is nobody answering their phones today? Mia’s mom is dying, Ben. She needs you. She’s already in Fulton and you better call her or get your ass there. I’ll take care of Nolan. And answer your phone when I call you please.”
I dial Mia’s number again. “Hey, it’s me. I called Ben but had to leave him a message. God, I wish I was there with you. I hate that you’re dealing with this alone. Just call me as soon as you get this and let me know what’s going on. I’ll keep trying Ben.”
I dial his number again.
“Answer your fucking phone. Mia needs you, asshole.”
I hang up and walk over to the counter, grabbing the box of cookies that is almost empty. There is no way in hell I am going to inform Nolan that he won’t be having pancakes any time soon. I’ve seen some of his temper tantrums.
I pick up the couch cushions and resituate them before plopping down on the end. “I feel like having cookies for breakfast.” I take a bite of one of the chocolate chip ones as he scrambles up next to me, his crazy gray eyes flicking from my mouth to the box. “What about you?” He nods eagerly and dives for some cookies, lying sideways on the couch with his head at the other end while he eats and watches his cartoon.
I dial Mia’s number several more times, hoping to get a hold of her but get her voicemail each time. I also call Ben a few more times and I’m sent straight to his voicemail with each dial. I’m hurting for Mia and want to be there with her. Ms. Corelli was always so sweet to me when I was younger. She would do anything for anybody, a quality my best friend acquired. I think about throwing Nolan into my car and beginning the drive to Fulton, but I’d never do that unless I made Ben aware. And since my dumbass brother isn’t liking his phone today, I can’t make him aware of that plan.
Nolan and I devour the cookies while watching several of his favorite shows, and just as I’m about to grab us both a drink, my phone finally rings. I lunge for it, hoping and praying that it’s either Mia or Ben, but it isn’t. Luke’s name flashes on my screen and I hit ignore with my middle finger before turning it up in front of my phone as if he can see it. He is the last person I want to talk to. He calls again, and again, and each time I hit ignore with an irritated grunt. Until I realize like a complete dumbass that I need to talk to Luke. Because talking to Luke means getting through to Ben.
“Shit.” I frantically hit redial and stand from the couch, walking around the back of it. Nolan giggles at my choice word before turning back to his cartoon.
“Jesus fucking Christ. Finally!” Luke barks into my ear. I open my mouth to cut him down to size and to remind him that we’re not together so I don’t have to answer his calls when his voice halts me. “Ben’s been shot, Tessa. They’re taking him to St. Joseph’s hospital.”
His words are like a kick to my diaphragm. I feel the air leave my lungs and I don’t register anything else coming through the phone. It’s all white noise. Background gibberish from a guy that I don’t really want to talk to anyway. The bones in my hand ache as I grip the phone tighter and stare at the back of Nolan’s head. Ben’s been shot. Nolan. Mia. I somehow manage to take in a breath and find my voice.
“I’m on my way. I’ll meet you there.”
I hit end and run down the hall toward my bedroom, dialing Mia’s number. I’m not even surprised at this point when it goes to voicemail. I try to keep my voice as calm as I can for her. “Mia, Ben’s been shot. He’s been fucking shot. I don’t know anything except for that they’re taking him to St. Joseph’s hospital. Please call me. Please.”
I hang up and grab my keys before sprinting back into the living room. “Nolan, come on. We gotta go.”
He continues jumping on the couch. “I wanna watch dis.” I grab him and feel his body tense in protest. “Noooo!” He flails in my arms but I just hold him tighter as we head out to my car.
“Stop it, Nolan. We need to go see Daddy.”
He immediately stops fighting me and I immediately regret telling him where we are going. If something were to happen to Ben and Nolan doesn’t get to see him, I’m not sure how I will handle that. Not only for him, but for me as well. And Mia. God, no. I can’t think about that. Nothing was going to happen to him. I fight back my tears and buckle Nolan in before peeling away from the house.
St. Joseph’s hospital is thirty-five minutes away but I get there in a little under twenty. I wanted to call my parents but I couldn’t inform them of Ben’s situation with Nolan and his sonic hearing listening in, so I resorted to a text message. I knew I’d get an earful once they saw that this was the way I’d decided to fill them in, but it was my only option at the moment.
I manage to keep myself calm when I collect Nolan from the car and carry him into the hospital. But once the lady at the reception desk tells me Ben’s room number, I sprint toward the elevators. I don’t know what condition I will find him in. He could be unconscious. Unrecognizable. Dead. I have no idea. I don’t know the extent of his injuries and I am willing to risk Nolan seeing his father in whatever state he is in because I need to see him.
Once the elevator stops on my floor, I clutch Nolan against my side as I maneuver between the people in the hallway. 319. 319. I’m scanning for Ben’s room number as I pass every doorway. Finally after what feels like a lifetime, I pass room 317 and know his room is next. I stop just before reaching his door, my heart pumping so loud it’s causing tremors in my field of vision. I let out an unsteady breath and shift Nolan on my hip before filling the doorway.
I’m prepared for blood.
I’m prepared for the annoying constant beeping of machines and the sight of my brother bandaged up.
But this? I’m not prepared for this. Not after the multitude of emotions I’ve felt today.
My heart thunders in my chest at the sight of Ben, sitting up in bed while a nurse tends to his shoulder. He looks completely unharmed except for the deep gash that the nurse is stitching up. Luke is sitting next to him in a chair beside the bed and as I step into the room, both pairs of eyes fixate on me.
“Daddy!” Nolan scrambles out of my arms and runs over to the bed, climbing up on it.
“What the hell is this?” I gesture with my hand toward my brother, getting a bewildered expression in return. “I thought you’d be dying. Or at least severely injured.” I snap my head toward Luke who leans back in his chair in response to the anger behind my glare. “Jesus Christ, Luke. You think you could’ve mentioned that Ben was only suffering from a flesh wound! Do you have any idea how scared I was! How scared I’ve probably made Mia!”
“Where is Mia?” Ben asks, but his question goes unanswered when I continue contemplating how I’d like to inflict pain on the idiot in the room.
Luke’s eyes shift from Ben’s to mine. “I told you he was wearing his vest, thank Christ, and
only took one to the arm. If he hadn’t been wearing it, he’d probably be dead. Look at this thing.” He reaches down and lifts Ben’s police vest off the ground, numerous holes visible through the chest plate.
I put my hands on my hips. “You didn’t say that. You only said he got shot and was en route to the hospital. Thanks for keeping the important details to yourself, asshole.” I don’t want to admit to Luke that I had tuned him out sometime during our conversation. He could’ve told me that Ben was okay, and the thought of me not hearing it instead of him not saying it was maddening. I’ve freaked everyone out for no reason. This was all me. But he doesn’t need to know that.
Ben grabs Nolan’s head and covers his ears. “Really, Tessa? Could you not cuss around him? And where the fuck is Mia?” he harshly whispers, keeping Nolan completely oblivious.
Luke stands up and drops the vest on the bed. “God, I’m so sick of this shit from you. You break up with me for no God damned reason at all, and now you act like a complete bitch.” He bridges the gap between us, bringing his face inches from mine. “Why did you end it? You owe me a reason and you’re going to give it to me right fucking now.”
“I owe you shit.”
“Tessa!”
Luke and I both turn toward Ben’s frantic voice. The nurse who is working on him grabs his shoulder and pushes him back so he’s reclining on the bed. He’s still covering Nolan’s ears, which is a good thing. “Sir, you’re going to have to keep still so I can finish this. If you yell like that again, I’m likely to stick this needle straight into your arm.”
“Sorry,” he says to her before looking back at me. “Where is she? Nothing else comes out of your mouth until you tell me where she is.”
I ignore Luke’s closeness and feel my stomach drop at the thought of my best friend. “Her mom was dying. She went out to get pancake mix for Nolan and got a call from her aunt. She’s in Fulton.”
The words come out like rapid fire and as soon as I finish talking, Ben tries to get up. The nurse firmly pushes against his shoulder again. “Sir, I’m not finished.”
He shrugs her off and shifts Nolan in his lap. “I don’t care. I need to go.”
“Mr. Kelly, you can’t leave with an open wound. You’re likely to get an infection. A nasty one at that. Let me finish stitching you up and we’ll see if the doctor will release you.”
He grunts and leans back, both fists clenching on his sheet. “Hurry. Up,” he firmly directs her. His eyes pierce into mine. “Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t she? She shouldn’t be there going through this without me. One of us should be with her.”
“I know that. I haven’t been able to get a hold of her all day. She left me a message and asked me to try and get a hold of you because she couldn’t reach you. And then I couldn’t reach you. Where the hell is your phone?”
He looks at the vest on the bed and reaches for it, pulling out a barely held together phone. “Shit,” he whispers, looking quickly at Nolan who is now playing with the TV remote at the foot of the bed. He winces while the nurse continues to stitch him up. “Call her. Find out where she is and tell her I’m coming to get her.”
I pull my phone out and notice the nonexistent reception I’m currently getting. “I have to step outside. Do you want me to take Nolan?”
“No. But I’ll need you to watch him when I leave. I’m getting to Fulton in under four hours.” He turns and watches the nurse, undoubtedly willing her to hurry the fuck up.
I nod and exit the room, hearing footsteps behind me. I turn and Luke runs straight into me, grabbing me before I topple over. “Christ! What? I don’t have time for this. I need to call Mia.”
He keeps his grip on my arms. “Tell me why you broke up with me.”
I’m sick of this. And I know Luke. He won’t let this go until he gets what he wants. Persistent little bastard. Just like when he has to get another orgasm out of me.
The nerve.
I pull my arms out of his grasp and grit my teeth. “I thought I was pregnant, you prick.”
He leans back as if I’ve just slapped him across the face. “What? You did? When? Are you?” His voice is softer, the heat that was in it moments ago completely vanished.
I feel my body remembering that day and the pain I felt when I delivered the blow that broke us. The agony burns like acid in my mouth, coating my words. “No, I’m not. But I thought I was.”
He holds his hands out in front of him, still seemingly clueless to why I ended things.
“I asked you if you ever saw yourself having kids someday and you said no. You said you never wanted what Ben had. And I want that.” I bite my tongue to distract me from the pain of the memory.
His nostrils flare and he steps closer to me. “You broke up with me thinking you were pregnant? And you didn’t think I should know about it? Do you know how fucked up that is?”
“You wouldn’t have wanted it. You said…”
He steps into me and brings his face so close to mine, his breath tickles my eyelashes. “Don’t tell me what I would’ve wanted,” he growls. “Was there a chance it wasn’t mine? Is that why you didn’t tell me?”
His words are like venom coming out of his mouth. I gasp, stepping back and putting some distance between us. “No, there wasn’t a chance it wouldn’t have been yours. But since you’re bringing it up, how many other girls were you sleeping with besides me? I should probably go get myself tested while I’m here.”
He shakes his head and comes up beside me, stopping when his arm brushes against mine. “You should’ve told me,” he snarls down at me. He’s never looked at me like this before. I can practically feel the revulsion coming off him. And then he’s gone, moving down the hallway in the direction I was originally heading. He chose not to satiate me with an answer to my question, but I suppose his silence answers for him.
I walk outside and quickly dial my parents’ number after my phone beeps with a voicemail alert. My mother’s casual voice throws me off, until she informs me that she hasn’t read my text message due to the fact that they’ve both been asleep. However, that doesn’t prevent the earful she gives me about not feeling the need to call her with that kind of information. She calms down eventually after I tell her Ben’s okay and only keeps me on the phone for a few minutes. After hanging up with her, I dial Mia’s number. She picks up on the second ring.
“Oh my God. Is he okay? Please tell me he’s okay.”
Her panicky tone makes my heart shudder in my chest cavity. It’s my fault she’s so worried. “Sweetie, he’s fine. He’s not really hurt at all. Just a minor cut on his arm.”
She cries through the phone, her whimpers mixed with the noise of traffic. “Tessa, I thought… I thought I’d never see him again. I never got to tell him…” Her voice breaks apart in sobs and it kills me.
“Shhh, Mia, it’s okay. He’s okay, I swear. He’s fucking pissed as hell about not being there with you. And so am I. Are you okay?”
She pauses, taking in a few deep breaths. “I’m okay I guess. She wasn’t in any pain when she died. It was very peaceful and I got to say goodbye. My last memories of her are of when she was healthy, so I have those to hold on to.”
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. And Ben’s tore up about you going through this alone.”
“I actually thought that maybe he didn’t care about me. That he didn’t care enough to call me when I needed him. And then when I got your message telling me he had been shot, God, Tessa, I almost died right there. I’ve never been that scared before.”
I wipe the tear that had worked its way down my cheek. “Oh, sweetie. How could you think he doesn’t care? He loves you. Hasn’t he told you that?”
“No, not yet. It doesn’t matter. I’m telling him as soon as I see him. I can’t wait another second.” Her voice sounds steady now, full of determination. When my best friend wants something, she goes for it. “I better get off here though before I get pulled over. I’m about two hours out so tell Ben I’ll be there
soon.”
“He’s coming to you, Mia. I’m telling you right now, as soon as he’s discharged, he’s leaving here.”
She sighs heavily. “Well tell him to stay put.”
“You’ve met him, right? I can’t tell him anything when it comes to you.”
She laughs slightly, sniffing at the end of her subdued chuckle. “Yeah. Just have him call me when he’s leaving. I guess I’ll meet him somewhere.”
I walk toward the entrance to the hospital, having worked my way along the side during our conversation. “Alright. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I end the call and pull up the voicemail, crying again when I hear her voice. And then she says it, “Tell him I love him, Tessa.” And I stop the message. This isn’t for me. It’s for him.
Chapter Twenty
Ben
I keep my eyes on Nolan as he fumbles with the TV remote. I need a distraction and he’s the only thing keeping me from jumping out of this bed and not giving a shit about my stitches. Every time I watch this nurse work the needle in and out of my skin, she seems to slow down. So I don’t look. Because I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wasn’t with her when she needed me.
It kills me to think that she couldn’t get a hold of me. And worse than that, that there was a moment I considered not putting on my vest before that raid. Something could’ve happened. One of those bullets could’ve been fatal and I’d never hold her again. I’d never see her face light up with her smile or the playful glint in her eye that teetered on seductive. My chest is on fire where the welts are forming, but the pain I’m feeling right now, being without her, is excruciating. I feel like a part of my soul is missing. She’s the best part of me, my entire future, and as soon as I see her, I’m saying it.
Tessa walks into the room, wiping underneath her eyes before giving me a nod. “I talked to her. She knows you’re okay. And she seems okay now. Her mom wasn’t in any pain when she died. She’s on her way here.”
Fuck. I wasn’t there for her. Her mom died and I wasn’t there.
