“It’s pathetic that you’d go back to a man who treated you so badly. I know what he did,” his eyes bored into me. “You just want a man who makes you feel safe and warm, no matter how boring he is.”
He poisoned me with his words. I hung my mouth open stupidly. How could he know all that? Luke must have told him everything.
“You’re starting to bore me.” He let it hang in the air for a few seconds, calm detachment all over his face. “I’ll call you later with the details.”
Then he left the room. I stood there, stunned, still staring at the same spot on the wall. You’re starting to bore me.
It shouldn’t hurt so badly, but it did. That comment hurt more than Ben’s transgressions ever did. My shoulders shook and the tears cascaded down my face.
Am I boring? I would rather be described as an evil bitch. Anything was better than having no mark on the world.
* * *
No, I’m weak, I thought as I hugged Ben at the cafe and allowed him to steer me to a table. Seeing him for the first time in months didn’t exactly evoke the feelings I thought they would. There was nervousness, of course, but mostly my head was still pounding over what Will said. I was pissed that he hit the nail on the head on the head over Ben and I. It made me so angry that I wanted to throw myself into Ben’s arms, but doing that would give Will satisfaction in knowing that he was right.
I’m not boring!
Ben smiled at me from across the table. I willed myself to feel something. Anything. But there was only a weak rustling in my stomach, like I’d been vomiting for hours. I hated how Will managed to manipulate my emotions like this. How could I know how I was supposed to feel about Ben with all of this crap swimming in my head?
“So, how’ve you been doing?” Ben looked up at me from the round table. His hair had grown in a little. The blonde beard was cut at the same length. He still wore the same plaid shirt. I always harbored a fantasy that he would change—he would develop a dress sense.
How have I been? Horrible. “Well, I got laid off from the aquarium, but I’ve already got a new job.”
His light eyebrows lifted slightly. “Where?”
I wrapped my hands around the mug. “Well, it’s a contract for Pardini Worldwide.”
The blue eyes danced with excitement. “That’s great, Nat!”
My eyes narrowed a bit at the use of my pet name. I didn’t want him to act like nothing was changed between us. “Ben, what did you want to talk about?”
He flinched at my tone and I saw him retreat into himself. “I wanted to talk about us.”
“Were you thinking about us when you went out with those women?”
“I was trying to get over you,” he said with an edge in his voice. “Can you blame me for trying to move on?”
Fine. Didn’t mean I couldn’t be pissed about it. “It was pretty sudden. A couple weeks after we broke up, as if you couldn’t wait to get out there. And then you posted all those photos on Facebook, knowing that I would see them.”
“I didn’t do that,” he muttered.
“Oh, come on. You knew full well that I would see them.”
He shook his head stubbornly. “Maybe I was a bit pissed that you’d throw away our relationship over Jessica.”
“Are you serious? I didn’t dump you over her; I dumped you because you lied to my face. I tell you something in confidence and the first person you told was a journalist. Then you tried to deny it.”
Why did I come here?
“I know and I’m sorry, but I still can’t believe you’d throw everything away after everything we’ve been through together.”
I softened under his bright, blue eyes and hated myself for it. “I don’t know, Ben. It’s been a long time. I’m starting to move on.”
“Will you please just give us another chance?”
Maybe I should. Will probably won’t want anything to do with me again. I humiliated him.
I shrugged and avoided his eyes. “Maybe, when I get back from the job.”
The disappointment that flared in Ben’s eyes was mingled with anger. It surprised me.
Chapter 4
I debated all day whether I should call Will and apologize for what I said. My phone sat in front of me on the kitchen table. A part of me hoped that he would call and make the decision for me.
Coward.
Another part of me wanted to distance myself. What would I apologize for? I’m sorry for hurting your feelings? Why did he get so upset with me anyways?
When I told him I was going to see Ben, he reacted angrily. Jealously.
I squirmed in my chair. He was the one who told me he had no interest in me. He kissed me back. If I knew he actually—if he was really interested, would I go on a date with him? My thoughts were muddled. I wanted to, but he clearly had some emotional issues. His problems aren’t mine.
They might be if you’re going on a trip with him.
I groaned in my bedroom, trying to search for something that would tell me what to do. I jumped at the knock on my door.
“Come in.”
Jessica’s head poked around the door. Good, I thought. I can ask her about it.
“Just got home. Wanted to see what you were doing,” she said as she sat down on my bed.
“Will wants me to go to Europe with him.”
She did a double take. “Um—what?”
I smiled. “Also, I saw Ben.”
“Whoa, whoa!” She stood up and placed her hands on her hips. “Slow down! When did this all happen?”
“Happened today, actually.” I enjoyed the waves of shock rippling across her face. “I don’t know where I stand with either of them, but Will offered me a job to go to Europe and design some pamphlets for Luke’s campaign. I think I’m going to take it. It’s only for a few weeks.”
“Wait—isn’t this a bit weird? He knows you for a week or something and all of a sudden, he wants you to go to Europe with him?”
“It’s definitely weird, but I don’t care.” My voice trembled. “I need this, Jessica.”
She looked at me with a bit of reservations stirring in her eyes, but she nodded. Of all people, she would understand.
“Well, how did it go with Ben?”
“Not so good. As expected.” I studied her face, looking for signs of relief. “Don’t you hate him?”
The question caught her off guard. “Hate him?” She shook her head. “I never had a problem with Ben, until…”
Until he sold you out.
“Listen,” she said in a louder voice. “I don’t care about it anymore, honestly. It’s all water under the bridge. You should give him a second chance if you have feelings for him.”
Inwardly, I aimed a searchlight to find some remnants of the love I used to have for him. Of course, I had feelings. I was angry, betrayed—if I didn’t care about him it wouldn’t matter to me. I shrugged hopelessly.
“I have feelings for chocolate. That doesn’t really help.”
“Well, you don’t need to make a decision right now. Just go to Europe. Have fun and see how you feel about both of them.”
I nodded, wondering if I should call my mom and ask for advice. Right, yeah that’ll be a fun conversation.
“Are you going to tell your parents?”
She could always read my mind. “I suppose that I have to.”
Hi Mom, I screwed up my chances with a really rich guy you’d probably hate. And I’m going to Europe with him. Ok, bye!
“Fuck,” I sighed. “I’ll probably get it over now.”
“Okay,” Jessica said, sliding from my bed.
I could tell that she was dying to tell her boyfriend everything I said. I picked up the phone and suddenly it vibrated in my hands. Almost dropping it, I held the phone to my ear.
“Hello?”
“It’s Will.”
Oh. I bit my lip severely, wondering what the hell I should say.
“Hi.”
“Listen, I just wanted to apologize for my behav
ior.” He took a shaky breath. “I’m sorry for—everything, really. I’m on some pretty serious meds and when I don’t take them I go a bit crazy. So, I’m sorry for all that. If you take the job, I’ll be nothing but professional the whole way.”
My heart pounded. “Will, I’m the one who should apologize—”
“Natalie, let’s just forget about it, okay?” he said in a testy voice.
I nodded before remembering I was on the phone. “Okay.”
“Great. I’m going to fax the contract to your agency, and they should email the documents to you. If you could sign them as soon as possible, that would be great.”
All of the humor was gone from his voice. He sounded clearer—more awake, but everything that made him so fun was gone. It was like talking to a stranger.
“Okay,” I heard myself say.
“We leave next week. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Bye.”
And just like that, it was over. There was nothing but static on the other end.
* * *
I still hadn’t called my parents, and it was the day I was supposed to leave with Will for London. I kept unlocking my phone to stare at the bright screen, debating whether to call them while the light died. I have to call them.
“Nervous?” Jessica asked as she stepped into the living room.
I dropped the phone back into my pocket. “I probably feel how you did when you left.”
She smiled as she looked back on the memory. At the time, I warned her against going, even though I was insanely jealous of her opportunity. Now, it’s my turn.
Luke was nearby and I knew that he was bursting to give me his opinion of what I should do, but I sensed that Jessica warned him not to. I felt another rush of affection for her. We always have each other’s back, no matter what.
I paced in the small hallway and glanced at Luke, who sat in the living room looking grim. I was aching to ask him about Will. He caught my glance and a smile flickered over his anxious face.
“It’ll be okay, Natalie.”
I cried out as I bit the flesh of my thumb too hard. Frankly, I was more worried about how awkward it was going to be. I whirled towards my bag. Did I pack everything?
BAMBAMBAM.
Jessica and I jumped about a mile high.
“Can’t he knock like a normal person?”
My stomach did backflips as Luke shot from the couch and opened the door before I could move a muscle. Will stood there, looking fresh in his jeans and t-shirt. Just the sight of his arms peeking from the sleeves was enough to make me sigh. It’s not fair. Someone that hot shouldn’t be such a jackass.
His dark eyes narrowed as he focused his gaze on his cousin.
“Luke,” he said politely, inclining his head.
His cousin gave him nothing but a cursory nod, which was a mark of how angry he must be. Will responded with a lopsided grin.
“Are you going to step aside, or are you going to keep eye-fucking me?”
Luke moved away and Will stepped forward, his eyes finally settling on me. The connection I usually felt between us was gone. He might as well have been looking at a piece of furniture.
Cold gripped my limbs.
“Ready?”
“Yeah.” I grabbed the handle of my suitcase, but he ducked quickly and took it from me.
“Ok, then.”
He gave Jessica a small smile before crossing the threshold out of the apartment. Luke followed him outside and Jessica and I looked at each other.
For some reason, the look on her face made a horrible lump rise in my throat. She was blinking rather fast as she nearly bowled me over with her hug.
“I’m really proud of you for doing this.”
“What?” I said, blinking hard. “Why?”
Her arms tightened around my neck. “It takes a lot of courage to leave your comfort zone. Most people never do.”
My lips trembled. The flood of everything I’d been holding back suddenly burst through the dam I built up for myself. As much as I tried to deny it, I felt sick with fear every time I thought about my future.
My life was a constant battle for approval. While my dad opened my report cards, I would stare outside and think longingly of the playground where Jessica and I would play. Getting an A- was “acceptable,” but anything below that—grounded.
Going to college was like being born again. I could do whatever I wanted—I was free. But still, something inside me wanted to please my parents, to explain every decision I made. I went against their wishes by majoring in graphic design. They screamed and raged at me, but I did it anyways, though not without a heavy dose of guilt. Within years of graduating, I made myself The Perfect Life to appease them. Perfect fiancé, perfect job, and not-so perfect apartment.
Then it all shattered and freedom’s intoxicating aroma beckoned me to Europe. William crashed into my life, promising excitement and spontaneity and suddenly I was flying thousands of miles with a complete stranger. It was overwhelming.
Jessica’s arms slipped from my neck and I turned away from her, furiously rubbing my eyes. A warm, heavy hand patted my shoulder.
“If Will gives you any problems, call me,” Luke said in a gruff voice.
“I will, thanks. Bye!”
“Call when you get there!”
I hurried outside before I could change my mind and saw an Audi R8 parked outside. I laughed at the contrast between it and the rusty, Ford truck parked in front of it. Will had his arms crossed over his chest, sunglasses perched on his long, straight nose, looking supremely bored. He said nothing about my red eyes. Will took my backpack from my shoulders and I flinched as his fingers grazed my shoulder, unprepared for the wave of dizzying heat. He popped open the door for me and I slid inside the leather seat, watching Jessica’s anxious face in the window.
I’m leaving it all. Finally.
The opening of the driver’s door interrupted the cocoon of my thoughts. Without being able to stop myself, I watched Will’s lithe body slide into the seat. His lean arm yanked on the parking brake and the engine roared under my thighs, revving like the feelings bursting in my chest as I watched him. His dark hair fell into his eyes and I suddenly wanted so badly to reach up and push it behind his ears.
But he didn’t so much as glance at me.
Now that he’s lost interest, you want him? Typical.
My stomach lurched as Will peeled out of our street, whipping around corners as if his life depended on it. I gasped and gripped the armrests as he suddenly braked in front of the first red light. The slightest smile flickered on his face.
“Too fast for you?”
I muttered something in denial of that. “I need to call my parents and tell them where I’m going.”
Will said nothing. My eyes kept wandering up and down his thick biceps and the powerful thighs pressing against his jeans. I could even make out the faint crease between his pecs—and then I looked up and saw him staring at me.
I slammed the phone to the side of my face, hoping that it would hide my blush. The phone rang. Don’t pick up, don’t pick up, don’t pick up.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mom.” I braced myself.
“Natalie.”
The stiffness in her voice meant that she was still very pissed off.
“Mom,” I said, my voice wavering. “I’m just calling to tell you that I’ll be in Europe for the next few weeks.”
“What? With who?”
My mouth opened and closed. What should I say? I didn’t want to tell her the truth. My eyes watered as I thought of what she’d say. “I’m going with my boyfriend,” I blurted.
Will whipped his head around. My face was probably melting off my skull at this point.
“You have a boyfriend?”
My mind was galloping ahead. “I’ve been dating him for a while. You’ve never met him. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you both liked Ben so much—”
“What’s his name? What does he do? Who—”
I grimaced. “His name is William. He’s Luke’s cousin.”
“The rich guy?” Mom said in a much more excited voice. “When are we going to meet him?”
I would have laughed at her excitement if I couldn’t feel Will’s eyes burning into my skull. “Mom, I have to go.”
“It’s not true! She’s lying!” Will suddenly shouted.
I snarled at him. “Shut up!”
“Who is that?”
“NobodyIhavetogo. Goodbye!”
“Okay, sweetie! Love you!” I could hear the confusion in my mom’s voice from Will’s shouting.
I hung up the phone and buried my face into my hands. Why the hell did I do that?
“You’re such a little liar,” he tutted in a low voice that made my forehead sear with heat. “I won’t play along with your little charade. I’m not Luke.”
I looked at him hesitantly, but he didn’t look very angry. “I’m really sorry, Will. I didn’t really plan on doing that—I just didn’t feel like telling her the truth and disappointing them.”
He throttled the engine and I winced as the car lurched forward. We were already speeding past Oakland, merging into the lanes that would take us across the Bay Bridge. “Well, we’ll probably be photographed so that’ll corroborate your lie. Your ex might not be pleased, though.”
Shit. I hadn’t thought of that. “I don’t care.”
“You care about using me to make yourself look better in your parent’s eyes. Nice.”
He clearly wasn’t impressed with what I did.
“Listen,” I began defensively. “I don’t judge you for all the things you do—don’t judge me. I’m just trying to make them happy.”
I hated the pity on his face. “Make them happy?” he said in an incredulous voice. “Natalie, Natalie, Natalie.”
My frown deepened with every repetition of my name.
“You’ll never be able to live up to their standards. You’ll never be able to make them happy. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move on with your life. I’m probably the only one out of my brothers who doesn’t suck up to my dad.”
“How’s that working out for you?”
His fingers whitened on the steering wheel.
Crash Page 6
