by Trisha Merry
‘It’s our golden wedding coming up next year,’ I began to explain the following Sunday afternoon, when we all sat around the dining table for a family meeting. Whenever there was any important decision to be made, we had always gathered everyone together to ask for their opinions. I felt this was going to be one of the biggest decisions we would make for quite a long time.
‘We’ve got to do something for that,’ grinned Laura.
‘Let’s have a party,’ added Brett.
‘Yes, I could help Mum make some cakes,’ suggested Carrie.
‘Good idea, but I don’t think Mum should have to make her own anniversary cake, though,’ said Jamie.
‘I agree,’ said Sam with a nod.
‘We could hire a big room in a hotel,’ suggested Jane. ‘And invite your and Dad’s friends there as well. We could make it a special lunch party.’
‘It’s very kind of you, but that would be awfully expensive.’
‘We could all club together,’ Jane offered straight away.
‘I know, and it’s very generous, but I’ve talked about it with Dad and what we’d both really like is to put on a big party here, for everyone to come and share our special day. We could put on lots of food, and you could all bring things too. Everyone could help us decorate the house and get everything ready.’
‘That sounds great!’ Laura smiled. ‘I can’t wait. When is it?’
‘Not for ages yet,’ I said. ‘I just hope we both last that long!’
‘Of course you will,’ said Anna, always the one to reassure us.
‘We want the whole family to be there,’ I said pointedly. ‘Everyone.’
There was a stunned silence as they all thought about that and began to realise what I meant. The whole atmosphere changed and even the air in the room seemed to cool.
‘You don’t mean Stacey? Surely you can’t mean Stacey, after she nearly killed you both?’ Jane was on a mission now. ‘If you give Stacey another chance to come back to this house, I will not come. None of us will. You can’t mean it.’
‘Dad and I did have a talk about it and we would like to have everyone there that day. I know she might not want to come, but we’d like to be able to invite her.’
‘Do you want this family party or don’t you?’ insisted Jane. ‘Because if Stacey comes, I won’t. You cannot let her do this to Dad again.’
‘I won’t come either,’ agreed Brett.
‘Me neither,’ added Laura. ‘I’ll never be able to forgive her for what she did to Grandad.’
And everyone else agreed that they could not forgive her. They could not have her in the house and she must not come. They made it very, very clear; they were absolutely vehement.
I wasn’t surprised by the strength of their feelings. I hadn’t forgiven her myself.
It was about a year since I had last seen or heard from Stacey when I received a letter through the post, addressed just to me, with what looked like her handwriting. I stared at it, as if that could tell me for sure. I felt I knew, but it was so long since I had seen her writing on anything . . . I turned the white envelope over and over in my hands, then put it down carefully on the table, address right way up, facing me.
I was alone in the house. Had Stacey come back into my life or was this some new bombshell about to drop on us? I felt almost afraid to open it, to break the spell. I put the kettle on and made a cup of coffee, then brought that back to the table and sat down in front of the letter.
Finally, I could wait no longer. I opened it and unfolded two neatly typed A4 pages. I began to read. One word leapt out at me, on the first line, and then again . . . and again. I didn’t read far into Stacey’s letter before the tears welled up and blurred my vision so much I had to go and get a tissue. As I read, so many parts of the letter stood out and hit me:
Dear Mum,
This letter has taken some time to write . . . Firstly, I would like to apologise for the behaviour that I portrayed in the time I was living with you. It has taken me this long to realise the mistakes I made and I am hoping to show you that I am a very different person now . . . I want to take this time to tell you the absolute honest truth. When I look back on how I was at home I cringe and hate the person I once was and if I could redo it again with the knowledge and understanding I have now I know I would do it better and me, you and our family wouldn’t be so distant as it feels now. I wish that we could have had that mother–daughter relationship I now crave.
The first apology I would like to make is for all the lies and deceit I put you and our family through. Looking back now I realise I didn’t need to lie about things . . . I realise that it was hard for you, especially when you thought of ways to teach me it was wrong and all I did was make it worse . . . When we sat down and talked about things as a family, I really did believe that I could change . . . but I was so wrapped up in myself and thinking that everything was unfair, I stopped myself from seeing the bigger picture . . . Back then I didn’t think I was spoilt but not many children get what you and Dad gave me. Especially all those chances you used to give me. At home I would think you didn’t care, but now I see you cared a great deal, otherwise why would you have put up with so much? Any other foster/adopted parent would of gave up I think but you kept pushing me to be a better person and even though it felt like I threw it all back without a single gratitude I want you to know that I am very grateful for it now and I know Im so lucky that even now you still are trying and I want so much to prove to you Im very different now.
The second apology is for the stealing . . . I cannot explain why I stole. You and Dad gave me everything and yet I still stole from you and I am especially ashamed about the money from your purse and your credit card . . . However with the rings my memory is so fuzzy about whether I stole the original sets . . . I was such a kleptomaniac that I can’t remember whether I did . . .
I would like to pay you back for the rings to reimburse you of your loss. I know how sentimental those rings were to you and . . . I want to say I am sorry for causing you the discomfort . . .
. . . even though I caused so much trouble and animosity at home . . . if it wasn’t for you believing in me I wouldn’t be the person I am today. You made me believe if I put my mind to it I could do and be anything I wanted. I also remember the little quote you gave me, ‘if I always do what I have always done, I will always get what I have always got.’ It is a very good saying because I see that if I change a simple pattern of behaviour it can make a small difference. But then if I was to change a big act of behaviour I would get a completely different outlet. And Im hoping that with this letter me and you can get back on track to how things should of been a long time ago. I hope this letter has helped and would love to be able to start being a proper family again. I would like to thank you as well mum for never giving up on me and I will always thank you for that I am grateful.
Love Stacey xx
I was stunned, and full of emotion too. Some of the things she wrote in her letter really heartened me, that maybe I had done some things right after all, and a few of the things I had said had stayed with her. The apologies struck me as genuine, though she didn’t directly mention what she did to Mike. Maybe that was too much to hope for.
Straight away I texted the only number I had for Stacey to thank her for the letter, to let her know I appreciated how hard it must have been for her to write, and to tell her I appreciated the apologies and I sent her my love.
Only a few days later, two more letters arrived, this time to Carrie and Sam. Stacey had handwritten these. I never saw Sam’s. I don’t know what he did with it and he didn’t ever talk about it. But Carrie was very pleased to have a letter to herself and showed it to me. Stacey had taken care to write a really chatty letter, remembering back to some funny times together and, in between some affectionate phrases, she apologised to Carrie too.
‘I’ve never had a letter from Stacey before,’ said Carrie with a beaming smile. ‘Do you think she will come and live back ho
me again?’
‘No, I don’t think so, love. She has her own life now, but maybe she will come back to visit. Let’s wait and see.’
Jamie had a letter as well. So now Stacey had apologised to me and to the other three. Mike was pleased for them especially, and he had read my letter a couple of times.
‘I’m glad she admitted the thefts,’ he said. But it’s what he didn’t say that upset me. He must have felt that we had heard from her and he hadn’t. We had all had apologies, but nothing for him, and he was the one who was hurt most.
Finally one day, when I logged on to my emails, there was one from Stacey starting ‘Dear Dad . . .’. I went out onto the landing to call him, but of course he couldn’t hear me, so I had to go and find him.
‘There’s an email for you from Stacey,’ I said.
‘Really? What does it say?’
‘I don’t know,’ I laughed. ‘I don’t read letters addressed to you, well not unless you want me to.’
‘OK, let’s have a look and see. Perhaps she’s after all the pocket money she would have had since she left!’ He grinned. ‘Why don’t you sit down with me and we’ll read it together?’
So I brought in another chair.
Dear Dad
I know this letter has took some time to write and you may believe it was because i didnt care but that isnt the reason.
What i did to you was the worst thing any daughter could ever do to their father and i know its been extremely difficult, hard and very upsetting for you. This letter has taken so long partly because although i can say im sorry about everything i did and especially for what i put you through with the allegations i made against you. But for me sorry doesn’t condole enough and it never will as what i did is unforgivable and sorry doesn’t even come near. Ive found it hard to write to you as i wasnt sure if this would upset you more or make it harder as this is very hard for me to write as it brings it all up.
If i could go back and change the way things turned out i would. Belive me when i say that you were always on my side at home backing me up even when i was in the wrong. We used to be so close and i miss that so much and i know we will never be the same. I am sorry dad and if i could honestly tell you why i did it i would and i dont know if i ever will know. My head is just so messed up . . .
I also want to apologise for all the stress i put you through at home. It wasnt fair to expect you to intervene all the time when i was in the wrong and it certainly wasnt fair to keep putting you into awkward positions with mum. I know it caused a lot of arguments and stress between you and mum and for that i really do want to say sorry . . . Back then i was selfish and spoilt and only really cared about myself. I did and still do care and love you dad, as my dad you will always be. No one else will ever replace you. When I was upset you were my shoulder to cry on. You picked up all the pieces. You made me feel special like mum but you especially. I Love You Dad and im so sorry i really am. I hate myself for what i did to you. It hurts because i made you even more vulnerable and ive ruined the best things that i had was a father. You didnt care that i wasnt yours through blood you loved me for me and i was callous, stupid, irresponsible and blind not to see it.
I hope that one day, i know i could never be properly forgiven but i hope one day we would be able to sit down and talk about it and maybe be able to start some form of a relationship because to be honest i would really like that dad. I miss your hugs i miss the way we used to talk. I could always turn to you when i had a problem and i wish so much i still had that. I hope this letter has helped you a little bit i already feel a little bit better writing it but i know it won’t be enough but i just want you to know that i never stopped loving you. Your my dad and always will be to me.
Love Stacey
We both sat back in silence, overwhelmed. After all this time, three long years, she had finally admitted how malicious she had been with her terrible allegation and apologised direct to him.
‘Phew,’ said Mike. ‘She’s done it. A bit late, but she’s done it.’
On the following Saturday, I went to pick up Stacey in Durvale and bring her back to the city with me. She had asked me to go with her to the police station to retract her allegation.
The journey into town was tense and silent. I could see she was petrified. I was petrified! I thought they might want to put her away for wasting police time.
It was a strange feeling, sitting with her, listening to what she told them as she took it all back, everything she had accused Mike of.
‘It was all lies,’ she admitted, and they wrote down what she said. Then I watched her sign the retraction with a flourish.
‘There!’ she sighed.
‘Well done, Stace.’ I gave her hand a squeeze as we left the interview room and went back to the car.
‘To be honest, Mum, it’s a great relief,’ she said. ‘Social Services next.’
So off we went and we walked in together. I let her hand over the second signed copy of her retraction at the desk. ‘Put that on file,’ she said in a steady voice.
I could see she felt good about herself, having done it.
‘Now let’s go back to the house for a cup of tea,’ I said. ‘And Dad is waiting to see you.’
Just for a moment, she looked uncertain. A wounded look, as if she might change her mind about seeing him, but then she seemed to compose herself.
‘Yes, I’d like to see the old place again, and especially Dad. But I’m frightened he might not want to see me.’
‘He does, Stace. He’s waiting for you now.’
When we walked in through the front door, Mike came into the hall, walked straight over to Stacey and put both his arms around her. She was as rigid as a board. I felt so moved that he had done that and so sad that she had not been able to reciprocate.
We didn’t really talk about the letters she had sent or where things might or might not go from there. She told us about where she was living and some of the people she worked with. I felt she had been through it enough for one day, so we kept the conversation light, almost as if she had never been away. Finally I drove her back home.
‘Dad is looking older,’ she said in the car. ‘It’s all my fault, isn’t it?’
‘Well, yes it is your fault in a way, because of the allegation especially, but you know it’s not all your fault. You didn’t choose the birth parents you had or the terrible life you lived when you were little. You can rise above all that and be the different person you always wanted to be. But you have to tell the truth. No matter how bad things are, you have to tell the truth, because with the truth we can fight the demons.’
‘Yes, Mum. You’re right. You always know the right thing to say. I wish I could do that.’
‘It took courage for you to go to the police station today and to admit you had lied.’ I paused to let that sink in. ‘And I think it probably took even more courage to come home and see Dad this afternoon. I know he was very glad you did.’
29
Golden Wedding
‘Stacey is trying to mend fences.’
Extract from psychologist’s report
Our golden wedding anniversary was only weeks away now and I really wanted to have the whole family together, including Stacey. I didn’t know whether inviting her would do her any favours, especially if she thought everybody was going to forgive her. I knew that wasn’t going to be possible.
‘If she could be on her best behaviour,’ suggested Mike, ‘that might help.’
‘Yes, but it would be hard for her to cope with anyone’s disapproval.’
‘Time for another family powwow?’
‘Yes.’
So we invited them all for lunch one summer Sunday and I broached the subject in the afternoon.
‘Now that we’ve got the party planned for our golden wedding,’ I said, ‘let’s talk about the guest list.’
‘How many people do you want, Mum?’ asked Jane.
‘Well I’d like to come,’ grinned Mike, who had joined us
for the discussion this time.
‘We could hardly do it without you, love.’ I put my arm round his shoulders.
‘Let’s have as many as we can squeeze in,’ said Laura, who always loves a big party.
‘Have we got that many friends?’ joked Mike.
‘Yes, let’s invite as many friends as we can. I’ll make a list. We’ll hire a marquee so there will be lots of space. It can be a day and evening do. And, of course we want all of the family to be there.’
‘Except for Stacey,’ added Jane.
‘No, including Stacey, if she will come. I’ve talked about it a lot with Dad and we both want to invite her, then it’s up to her.’
‘That’s right,’ agreed Mike.
They all looked shocked, dismayed.
‘It will be hard for her to come and face you all, but she has written apology letters, as you know. And I went to the police station with her so I heard her telling the policewoman that her allegation had been all lies.’
‘But none of that really matters,’ protested Jane. ‘The damage was done, and it was the most terrible damage she could have inflicted.’
‘She realises that now,’ I said.
‘Well I’m not coming if Stacey comes,’ announced Laura, who had always been Stacey’s friend before all this had happened.
‘Me neither,’ said Brett, and all of the family joined in.
‘We just can’t have her in the house, stealing our things like she always did,’ said Sam, who obviously felt strongly about this.
‘Yes,’ agreed Carrie. ‘She mustn’t go upstairs to my bedroom.’
‘It’s OK to keep in touch. We text each other sometimes,’ said Jamie. ‘But having Stacey here would be much harder for everyone.’
