“So you’re not disappointed?”
“I didn’t say that. I didn’t say I was done trying to convince you either. But it’s a choice that has to be yours entirely. I know what it’s like to have my life destroyed, my home taken from me, to lose all that I loved and valued and that was familiar to me. I’d never do that to you.”
Dek’s fingers tighten in Ren’s hair. Somehow putting it into words makes it seem even less likely, more impossible that he could leave. But there’s Ren, right here, under his hands...and Ren can’t stay. He has a child, a precious second chance, like he’s Dek’s second chance. But Ren’s daughter can’t survive without him, and Dek certainly can.
They would take his memories, Ren said. Dek would never know what he’d lost, just as he’d had no knowledge of how his letters and gifts were getting to Ren, until Ren had explained. Ren wouldn’t be a regret, a sorrowful wound like Lomare. Ren would never have existed so far as Dek was concerned. “I knew something was wrong,” he says, as if Ren can know what he’s been thinking about. “They blocked my memories, but I knew something was missing. I could feel the hole.”
“It wouldn’t be like that this time,” Ren says, no emotion colouring his voice. “That was because I asked—begged—them not to take them permanently. If they erase them, you won’t feel a thing. I...wanted to be sure I understood the process.”
“So you’d know what would happen to me if I chose that?”
Ren twists around to look at him. “No—if I did.” He rubs his cheek against Dek’s hand. “I tried...I really did try, I swear it...to convince myself that Misa would be all right with Jinase. Jinase considers her a daughter same as I do.”
“Is she?”
Ren turns back towards the fire. “No. We did the testing because it’s important we know that, for Misa’s sake. But it’d make no difference to her anyway. Misa calls her ‘auntie Jin’ but Jinase’s the only mother she’ll ever have, no matter what happens to me. I couldn’t do that to Jinase. We’ve sewn it all up tight legally. If I stay up here, she’ll get everything I’ve saved, the house we bought together, and custody of Misawenu. And I...would never know. I would forget them both, all of it.”
Dek’s fingers curl in sympathy at the pain in Ren’s voice. “And have to start from scratch again.”
“I guess. If you threw me out, I’d be fucked.” He makes a sounds like a laugh, only it’s not. “But hell, not the first time, right?”
Dek bends and lays his face against the top of Ren’s head, warm strands of hair against his skin. “No. I won’t let you do that. Won’t let you wreck three lives for me. No one’s worth that.”
“You come fucking close to it, Dek,” Ren says, voice tight and not joking in the least. “But I couldn’t convince myself to do it. They need me. Jinase needs me. I need her, I need Misa. You...you I only want. Want like air to breathe, but....” His hand squeezes Dek’s foot again. “I know how much your home means to you.”
No, you don’t, Dek thinks. He probably can’t. Ren’s a people person—he sees the world in terms of who he knows, who he loves, the relationships between those he cares about. Dek’s always measured himself against the landscape, always needed to know where he fit in the universe, needed to be able to touch the earth and see the sky. He’s rooted here like one of those big old trees out back, all gnarled and immovable. He doesn’t need people to live, the way Ren does. But like Ren, he wants. He’s only wanted two things this bad in his life before and both of them were connected to Lomare. “If I give it up and things go bad, I’ll have nothing. It could go bad. I don’t get on with people.”
“You do, you know. I saw you in that camp, and even with the people we met on the trail. You’re not charming or easy, but people respond to you. They respond to your honesty. And you’re not as crazy as you think you are, or even as crazy as you used to be.”
The fire cracks as a lump of wood burns through with a splatter of gold-white sparks. Ren leans forward, fetches a couple of logs from the basket and lays them careful across the flames. Dek nearly tells him not to waste the fuel but there’s a whole forest at Dek’s back door and if he’s going to move south, then it doesn’t matter anyway. “This is my home.”
“Yes, and you love it. It’s right that you do.”
Ren’s voice is still flat, calm, like they’re discussing if he wants toast or porridge for breakfast, and not plans for the rest of their lives. Dek, perversely, wishes Ren would fight harder to get him to change his mind. Maybe that’d make Dek mad enough not to want him any more—unlikely, but better that than being tugged equally hard in two directions. “Do they have to take all the memories? Could they leave me...with this? You being here these few days?”
“I could ask them. But...won’t that hurt you? I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Lived with worse. You think I regret a second of my life with Lomare just because she’s gone?”
Ren turns around, the pale blanket sliding off paler shoulders. He leans up into Dek’s face, and his eyes are shining, his nostrils flaring as if he’s forcing back some strong emotion. His fingers dig into Dek’s thigh, painfully, truthfully. “Are you trying to break me?” he whispers, the words harsh as his breathing. “Damn you, you expect me to leave you, knowing you remember this, knowing you’ll be alone?”
“They don’t have the right to take it off me. They can protect themselves without it, but I want something left. I want it to be real.”
Ren bends down, kneeling back slowly. He puts his head in Dek’s lap, his arms going tight around Dek’s waist, his shoulders bunching as if he’s clenching his fists. His breath is hot against Dek’s crotch, through his trousers, and it would be arousing if it weren’t for the desperate little sounds he’s making. Dek strokes Ren’s back, and refuses to cry. He doesn’t want to spend this time, this precious time, weeping, but it still aches like a knife wound, and they have to be honest with each other now because there won’t be a chance later. He wants his memories to be truthful, wants them to be real, even if it’s agony.
He drags the blanket around Ren again, and pets him as much for Dek’s own comfort as Ren’s. Why does it have to be this way? Why does he have to be this way? Because it’s him who’s the problem. Just him and his stupid broken brain, and his lack of courage. Surely they could.... “Uh....”
Ren lifts his head. “What?” he asks, his voice all throaty and clogged. Dek runs his thumb carefully down Ren’s damp cheek.
“Could they maybe...let me...uh...visit? Try it out?”
Ren’s expression changes instantly, eyes and smile wide. “Yes. Yes, of course.” The relief in his voice is painful to hear. “Dek, I know how big a deal this is. I told them that when I was trying to convince them to let me bring Jinase and Misa with me.”
Dek shakes his head. “You don’t want to do that. People were sniffing around. Too dangerous.”
“Yeah, they pointed that out. They’re not cruel, Dek. Just cautious. But of course you could come and see if you like it.”
“And if I don’t, they’ll....” Dek swipes his hand across his face.
“Yes. They’d have to,” Ren says regretfully. “They might let you...but no, I can’t let you. Dek, I don’t want you grieving for me.”
“Don’t want not to remember you,” Dek insists. “Anyway...been through worse than losing you.”
There’s the slightest tightening of Ren’s mouth as he nods. “Yes, I know.”
Dek cups Ren’s chin, forces him to look up. “That’s not saying you’re not important. I’m saying I’ve been through some bad shit, survived it.”
Ren blinks slowly at him, his mouth still tight. “Yes. I know. It’s the idea of adding to that which I can’t bear.” He reaches up and touches Dek’s chest over his heart. “Empaths don’t remember hair colour or height or weight—we look at a person’s emotional ‘sound’, the feel of them. Your distinguishing characteristics are your courage and your pain. I can’t ignore the one and I won’t increase
the other.” He climbs to his feet, his movements slow like he’s exhausted. “I shouldn’t have come. You were at peace, now you’re not.”
It’s true, but that doesn’t mean Ren shouldn’t have come. Dek shrugs the blanket off his shoulders and gets up, faces Ren as he takes his cold hands. “We can talk about it some more later.”
Ren’s mouth lifts a little, despite the lurking sadness in his eyes. “Now those are words I never expected to hear from your lips. Dek—this has to be your decision completely.”
“It will be. Come back to bed,” he insists, tugging on Ren’s hand.
“The fire?”
“It’s fine.”
Ren stops and picks up the little blanket, folds it carefully and puts it back on the armchair. Dek watches him, says nothing. Ren straightens up. “Made with love?”
“Used with love.” He takes Ren’s hand and leads him back into the bedroom, turns on the bedside light because he’s not had his fill of looking, and neither of them are sleepy. Ren stands in front of him, and Dek strips his trousers from him, running his hands down warm hairless skin, lean hips and long, long legs.
Ren kicks the trousers away and when Dek goes to pick them up, he grips Dek’s arm to stop him. “My turn,” he says in a husky voice, and his fingers deftly unbutton and unzip, sliding the trousers down before he takes hold of Dek’s cock in one broad, long-fingered hand. Dek thrusts hard against the grip, pressing determinedly against Ren’s body because he doesn’t need to be careful any more about hurting him. Ren’s whole and healed and strong now, and Dek’s always liked big guys who can match him toe to toe, hip to hip. He grinds against Ren’s hand as Ren pushes back, holding his shoulder in a painful grip, fingers digging deep, more like they’re fighting than fucking. “What do you want?” Ren whispers, and it’s more like a growl, his voice’s gone so deep.
“You.”
Ren’s eyes narrow and suddenly he shoves Dek backward. As Dek trips over the trousers around his ankles, Ren’s already there, lowering him to the bed, kicking the trousers away, and then lying on top of Dek, making it clear who’s in charge, one hand caging his head, fingers curling and firm. His erection’s digging hard into Dek’s hip and he thrusts against him, tight against Dek’s belly, as Dek grips Ren’s buttocks and squeezes. He’s trying to get a knee in between those massive thighs, trying to use his leg to rub Ren’s cock, and with all the struggle and tussle, there’s some really nice friction going for both of them. Ren’s grinning at him like that fucking kildit, baring his teeth with his shadowed eyes devilish and weird. Dek arches his throat back and Ren attacks, teeth and lips, sucking under his jaw, on the hollow of his throat , biting and nipping hard enough to hurt, while those hands of his press Dek down into the mattress and his body moves above him like he’s on oiled springs, smooth skin and rasping pubic hair and big, big cock sliding and pushing and demanding on his stomach and his hip as Dek fights him and tries to push back just as hard, though he’s at a disadvantage and never more glad to be.
Dek’s come once tonight so he’s a little surprised he doesn’t last longer than he does, but it’s been a while for both of them, so Ren told him earlier, and sooner than he’s hoping, he comes in scalding spits against Ren’s hot skin. A few seconds later, Ren grunts and grips his neck in a bite that’s near to breaking the skin, while his back arches and he spends with his head thrown back and his eyes squeezed shut. Dek sticks his nose under Ren’s jaw and inhales hard, smelling sweat and semen and smoke. Damn, it’s been too long.
He holds on tight until the last tremors fade, then he pulls Ren’s face towards him and kisses him with all the gentleness that was missing from that little bout of rutting. Ren smiles against his lips, his body now limp and heavy over him, like a thick and valuable pelt smoked and cured to butter softness. “Mmmm, nice,” Ren murmurs, lazily thrusting a couple of times, slickness between them that’ll be sticky and messy in a bit, but not yet.
“It’ll do,” Dek allows and Ren chuckles. “Hey—how did you even know I was bisexual?”
Ren shakes his head, as if Dek’s a little slow. “If you were straight, you’d have knocked me down with all the touching I was doing. Besides, empath, you know?”
“Huh,” Dek says, sceptically. “I never jerked off thinking about you.” But that’s mostly because he hardly jerks off at all. He got out of the habit when he left the army and his source of occasional, willing sex partners disappeared.
“I did,” Ren whispers, low and dirty against his cheek. Dek’s cock twitches wearily, willing but incapable. “You’re a fine looking man.”
“But my brother’s cuter.”
“He had his moments, but I don’t jerk off thinking about Tik.”
Dek brushes away a long red strand of sweaty hair, tucks it behind Ren’s ears. “You been seeing anyone? It’s been five years.”
Ren groans a little and rolls off, lies flat on his back with his arm over his eyes. Dek fetches his handkerchief from the side table and wipes them both off, before wrapping himself along Ren’s body, his arm slung over Ren’s flat, scarred stomach. Hard to remember now, what it looked like all that time ago, or that this man, incredibly, has given birth to a living child. “I wasn’t up to it for ages—not physically or mentally. I could just about bear Jinase or Misa touching me, but anyone else, I pushed away.”
Dek strokes one of Ren’s pale nipples—they’ve gone flat too. He’s glad of that because they looked kind of funny while he was pregnant. “But?”
“But...my contact—my mentor, if you like—in the Elected, the guy who’s helped me work through some stuff along with their psychs. He’s a telepath, minor talent, but really clever. We became friends. We fuck sometimes, just for...just for the comfort. And so he can get into my head and fix stuff too.”
Dek leans up a little so he can stare at Ren, who’s uncovered his eyes. “You let him do that?”
“I kind of have to, Dek,” Ren says, his expression a little defensive. “I didn’t do so good for a long while. They tried drugs, and therapy, and it helped, helped a lot, but in the end, Teji had to unscramble some crap before I could move on. He’s very kind.”
“Right,” Dek says, unconvinced, and also now irrationally and wildly jealous of this ‘Teji’. Which is just stupid because Ren’s here, and says he loves Dek. “Are you done with that now?”
“Pretty much. I’d never have come up here if I wasn’t stable. Teji didn’t want me to—he was worried what it would do to me. I was sure I could manage. I guess I forgot what it would do to you.”
“Never mind about that,” Dek says impatiently. “If your friends don’t want me down there—your lover doesn’t want me down there....”
Ren grips his wrist and stares into Dek’s eyes. “You’re my lover. Teji’s a friend, no more. Jinase wants you, I want you. All that matters is what’s right for you.”
“And your girl. I’m too crazy to put near a child.”
Ren lets out a startled laugh. “Were you listening to me a minute ago? Her Da’s barking mad, or was.”
But Dek persists. “You might be crazy, but I’m dangerous. I could hurt her, your sister. I hurt you—hurt you twice.”
Ren reaches around and pulls Dek’s face close to him, kisses him with heartbreaking tenderness. “You saved my life. You saved Misa’s—and Jinase’s, probably—by doing that. You’d never hurt a child.”
“You don’t know what I might do if something sets me off.”
“Look....” Ren sighs and strokes his cheek, his finger calloused from work Dek hasn’t had a chance to ask him about yet. “I’m not discounting the PTSD, not at all. And we’d need to be careful, make sure you weren’t put under more stress than can’t be avoided with the move and all that. But they can help you—it’s one of the reasons I want you come back with me. They really do have some astonishingly brilliant psychs down there, and even Teji, who’s not a professional, would help you if I asked.”
“Yeah, sure. Like I’d let him inside my h
ead—he’d probably turn my brains into porridge for sleeping with you.”
“Teji’s got his own lover. Stop being jealous—if he’d wanted to stop me, all he had to do was make me forget I’d ever known you. He had plenty of chances to. This isn’t your attractive side, Dekan.”
Dek rolls onto his back and doesn’t answer. He doesn’t even know where this is coming from, because he’d never seen himself as a jealous man at all. Never came up with Lomare, and he’d never ever considered cheating on her. Never looked at anyone at all while she was alive and it was two years after she died before he took up one of the offers he got from time to time from officers passing through or newly posted. But Ren...maybe it’s because he’s a guy and Dek knows what guys can be like. Or maybe it’s because Ren’s just fucking gorgeous and Dek knows he’s not, certainly not now. “If I didn’t go back, you’d get offers.”
“Sure. Always did, always will. You’re not replaceable.”
“Bet you thought that about Geya, once.”
“Bet you thought that about Lomare once.”
Dek’s nostrils flare in instant anger. “You’re not a replacement for her,” he grinds out.
“Yeah. Exactly.” Ren goes up on one elbow and looks down at him. “All right, your wife was chaste and loving and never sold you to the authorities for a guaranteed lifelong research grant and her name on some publications, and maybe I was a fool to love her like I did, but she’s the mother of my damn son, and the first person I ever fell in love with. You’re in a different part of my heart and my brain completely. Dek...I wasn’t looking for someone to fill the hole you left in me. Teji’s a friend, and kind, and uses his talent to mend my broken mind. But he’s not you. I love you. I never cheated on Geya, I’d never cheat on you, not even in my thoughts. I don’t work like that. If you think I do, then you don’t know me at all.” He lays the back of his hand against Dek’s face almost like he’s taking Dek’s temperature. “Do you think that?”
Walk a Lonesome Road Page 21
