by Deb Kastner
Suddenly he wasn’t so sure. Was he really looking out for Tyler’s best interests, or was it himself he was worried about? He was certainly worried about how Ellie would take all this; their relationship was hanging by the most tenuous of threads. Something like this could make it snap entirely, though he had to admit, however grudgingly, that Julie was carrying herself with a reserved poise that didn’t appear overtly threatening.
He’d lost his perspective the moment Julie showed up on the doorstep. He wished he had stayed at Ellie’s side and not gone off on his own with Julie, even if Ellie had been the one to suggest that he and Julie should be alone to talk. Buck began to pray fervently under his breath, asking for God to intervene in what could turn into a blowout situation for everyone concerned, especially if Buck didn’t handle it right.
“We have to go back to the house,” he said hoarsely, then cleared his throat.
Julie raised her eyebrows, but nodded complacently. “I know you’ve already made up your mind about me,” she said softly. “But I hope you’ll reconsider.”
Buck highly doubted that would happen, but at the end of the day, Julie was still Tyler’s biological mother. She had no legal rights to the boy, Buck had seen to that, but he could understand her wanting to see Tyler.
Ten years ago, maybe.
Why had Julie shown up now, just when things were finally starting to fall into place in his life? For the first time in forever he’d been happy, but that had blown up in his face the moment Julie arrived.
As he entered the ranch house, Julie hard on his heels, Buck realized he hadn’t even properly introduced Ellie and Julie. He’d been so taken aback by Julie’s sudden arrival, he hadn’t thought of the formalities. Clearly Ellie had figured it out on her own, though, and right now Buck needed her help—an outside, though not totally unbiased, perspective.
“Wait here,” he told Julie as soon as they entered the kitchen. Buck made his way back out to the living room, where he found Ellie quietly standing by the punch bowl, her arms wrapped in front of her and a wistful look on her face.
“I need your help,” he stated without preamble as he approached Ellie.
“Did you two work things out already?” she asked, sounding surprised.
“Not exactly,” Buck growled.
Not even close.
He took Ellie’s hand and half dragged her into the kitchen. He could understand, her reluctance to interfere. He would feel the same way in her position. The fact of the matter was, if he could see any way to avoid this conflict entirely, he would definitely be the first one crowding out that door.
“Ellie, this is my ex-wife, Julie,” he said, wrapping a protective arm around Ellie’s waist. He couldn’t say he was really surprised when Ellie immediately stepped out of his reach, but it still hurt. He cleared his throat.
“I’m sorry, Julie,” he continued, doing his best to be polite. “I don’t know what last name you go by now. Julie, this is, er, my friend Ellie McBride.” He had wanted to introduce her as something more than just a friend, but he wasn’t sure if Ellie was ready for that, given the circumstances.
Julie gave what Buck had to admit appeared to be a genuine smile and held out her hand to Ellie.
“It’s nice to meet you,” they said simultaneously. It might have been humorous were the situation not as tense and high-strung as it was.
Buck grimaced. Hadn’t he put Ellie through enough? Yet she appeared to be taking this well enough. His chest clenching painfully, he plunged forward. “Julie is here to see Tyler,” he explained roughly, jamming his fingers into his hair.
“I see,” Ellie said, when she clearly did not.
“I just want to talk to him,” Julie added, tacking her comment onto the back of Buck’s statement. “I have no intention of telling him who I am. Can you understand that?”
Ellie shook her head. “No. Not really. Not now.”
Buck’s heart swelled as Ellie took on the role of protector to Tyler, showing her love for the boy more clearly than Buck could ever have imagined.
“Look, I understand how you both must feel.” Julie gestured with both hands.
“Do you?” Buck asked curtly and then clamped his mouth shut again.
Hadn’t he changed at all, grown at all, in his time here at the ranch with Ellie? Was he the same gruff man he’d been when he came back to Ferrell? Hadn’t his new relationship with God made any difference in his life?
With a quick prayer, he bolstered his defenses, trying to shut out his natural emotional response, the stab of betrayal he felt every time he looked into Julie’s eyes. Buck fought to be the better man here and not purposefully antagonize Julie. That wouldn’t solve anything.
“I can’t say enough how sorry I am for my past actions,” Julie continued.
Ellie crossed her arms and stepped back closer to Buck’s side, creating what Buck thought might be a mental barricade against anything Julie might say or do. Buck wanted to wrap Ellie in his arms and protect her from all this, but he knew she wouldn’t accept his reassurance. Not now.
Ellie didn’t know what to think—in fact, she could barely think at all with the sea of emotions enveloping her. She tried to pray but felt as if her words were bouncing off the ceiling and coming right back at her.
How could God have allowed this to happen?
Why now?
She gazed at Buck, empathizing with the anger and bewilderment written all over his expression. His jaw was tight, and Ellie knew he was desperately trying to control himself, keep a hold on his quick temper. She admired him for that, at least.
But it wasn’t fair for Buck to bring her into the middle of this situation. She was the last person on earth who could offer any kind of impartiality. This was between Buck and Julie and, Ellie thought, hopefully nobody else—especially Tyler. The whole thing was a sure heartbreak for the boy any way Ellie looked at it.
She could hardly stand to look at the pain in Buck’s face. She didn’t know how she could possibly watch Tyler experience one more disappointment in his life, especially something this major. Yet here Julie was, and Ellie knew deep down she could not send the woman away as abruptly as she wished.
Ellie closed her eyes for a moment and took an intense, calming breath. Whether she liked or not, she had been thrust into the middle of this situation between Buck and his ex-wife, and had no choice now but to mediate the best she could and hope for a miracle.
There was a deafening silence in her head and heart, where Ellie wanted immediate—and definitive—answers. She sighed and brushed her fingers back through her hair.
“Okay, Julie. I think you’d better stay the night,” Ellie said at last.
“What? No,” Buck answered for his ex-wife before Julie could so much as say a word.
Ellie glanced over her shoulder to see Buck glowering at Julie. Julie stared straight back at Buck, looking decidedly uncomfortable as she clasped her hands in front of her. Ellie felt the tension in the air, as tangible as a room full of invisible gas just waiting for a single spark to make it blow up in flames.
“It only makes sense, Buck,” Ellie explained. “We aren’t going to work this out in the next fifteen minutes, and Tyler’s birthday party is winding down soon.”
“I don’t have to stay here,” Julie inserted tentatively. “I’ll just check in to a motel in town.”
Ellie attempted to smile but was convinced it was little more than a grimace. “The county fair is going on. There are only two motels in Ferrell, and I’m pretty sure they are booked solid.”
“There’s one in Houston,” Buck suggested through gritted teeth. “Or Dallas.”
Ellie whirled on him. “Be reasonable, Buck. It’s too late in the day to send her off to Dallas or Houston. Besides, this is only temporary. Right, Julie?”
Holding her breath, Ellie looked to Julie for conformation. She was relieved when the woman nodded her affirmation.
Only temporary.
Then why did it feel so incre
dibly permanent?
At length, Buck shrugged his assent. “I still think it’s a bad idea, but it’s your ranch, Ellie.”
What?
Her ranch?
What had happened to their ranch?
Ellie scowled at Buck. “It’s settled, then. Julie, let me show you to your room. You can have dinner with us. Tyler will be there. But I warn you, if you hurt that boy, you’ll be answering to me. Do you understand?”
Julie nodded vigorously, her eyes wide in apparent shock and distress.
“Hmm,” Buck muttered, crossing his arms and staring at Ellie. She wanted to squirm under his gaze, but she squared her shoulders, determined to see this through.
“And you,” Ellie continued, using her index finger to poke Buck square in the middle of his chest. “You stay right where you are. We need to talk.”
Buck opened his mouth as if he were about to say something, then apparently thought better of it and clamped his lips together. Whatever he’d been about to say would have to wait.
Since she’d instructed Buck to wait for her in the kitchen, Ellie herself went outside and took the suitcase from the backseat of Julie’s brand-new white SUV and settled her in one of the guest bedrooms. Fortunately Ellie had an extra guest bedroom already made up, so it didn’t take long to settle Buck’s ex-wife in.
Ellie had turned and was heading back to the kitchen, where Buck waited, when she suddenly whirled back to face Julie. As an afterthought, she informed Julie that dinner would be served promptly at seven that evening.
Ellie passed through the living room on her way back to the kitchen, taking a moment to speak with Tyler. Most of his friends had gone, with only a few rowdy boys left over. She suggested they go look at Tyler’s present in the stable, the new foal, and try to pick out a name for him.
If Tyler suspected anything was amiss, or had even noticed Julie’s untimely arrival, he didn’t show it. Ellie breathed a sigh of relief when the boys scrambled out the door. It was enough that she had to confront Buck without worrying about Tyler.
“I’m sorry,” Buck said the moment Ellie entered the kitchen.
“You should be.”
“I know that wasn’t fair, putting you in the middle of this. But I honestly didn’t know what else to do.”
“Uh, handle it yourself?” Ellie suggested grimly.
Buck shrugged. “I tried. But I was losing my perspective, Ellie. I need your help.”
He sounded so genuine, Ellie couldn’t help but be touched by his plea, yet her heart was torn. Did he really think it would help for her to get in between him and his ex?
She stared down at her hands for a moment, and her mind wandered back to when Mama Esther was still alive. Grief struck her anew.
Buck’s mom would have known what to do. She had had a remarkable sense about people and had been gifted in her ability to discern what they were really about.
Ellie had no clue. She just knew it wasn’t right.
“Listen, Buck,” she began hesitantly, not quite meeting Buck’s gaze. “I don’t think we should risk telling Tyler about our plans right now. It’s definitely not the appropriate time to rock his world.”
“Not even for the good?” Buck whispered. “I would think good news would be welcome about now. I think it would make him happy to hear of our plans for the ranch.”
“I don’t think we should be making any plans right now. Not with everything so up in the air.”
“What?” Buck frowned, his forehead creasing ominously. “Nothing is up in the air, Ellie. Nothing has changed. Trust me on this.”
Trust him. That was the problem. Ellie still wasn’t sure she could. And now, with Julie back, who knew what would happen? She knew only that she needed to guard her heart.
“Don’t give up on me,” he whispered raggedly. He reached for her hands. “I get what’s going on here. You’re taking responsibility for something that is not your problem.”
“That’s exactly it, Buck,” Ellie said, tears now flowing down her cheeks. “It isn’t my problem. This is between you and Julie. You can’t go forward with your life with me until you’ve put the past truly to rest.”
Buck sighed and nodded, though he did not let go of her hands. “I know things seem pretty crazy right now, but know this. I will never let you go again. Never.”
Chapter Eleven
To Buck’s chagrin, Tyler chattered all the way through dinner. Ellie had introduced Julie to Tyler as merely a guest, saying no more about it than that. The only picture Tyler had of his mother was of her holding him when he was a newborn. Time and stress had taken their toll on Julie, and she now hardly resembled the young, carefree woman in the faded photograph. The boy appeared to have taken Ellie’s word at face value, despite the fact that Julie had no children with her.
Fortunately, Tyler seemed distracted by the success of his first real birthday party—at least the first one that the boy would remember. He was practically bubbling over about the foal Ellie had given him for a present.
“I’ve decided to call him Jet,” Tyler explained to Ellie between bites of food. “Him being black and all.”
Unable to find his own appetite, Buck pushed his plate away. Despite Ellie’s prowess in the kitchen, nothing tasted good. Buck couldn’t taste anything at all.
He kept staring at Julie, feeling as tense as a large cat ready to pounce on his prey. He was waiting. Listening. Watching. It was only a matter of time, he determined, before Julie did or said something to give herself away.
She’d never followed the rules before. Why should now be any different? As he’d warned Ellie earlier, Julie would play down and dirty.
To Buck’s surprise, Julie said nothing at all. She smiled a few times when Tyler was especially animated, and she never took her eyes off the boy, but she didn’t speak, not even to ask him a question. From time to time she’d put her fork in her mouth, but Buck could tell her mind wasn’t on the meal before her any more than his was.
As soon as he’d scarfed down his food, Tyler asked to be excused from the table and bounded out of his chair to go spend time with his colt. As soon as Tyler was gone, Buck pushed away from the table and stood, nodding to the ladies. “I’m going to go for a walk,” he said.
He didn’t even make it out the back door before Julie was hot on his heels.
“Buck, wait,” she called frantically.
Buck froze for a moment, allowing Julie to catch up before adjusting his long stride to match her shorter one, his boots soft against the well-worn trail. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans jacket and glanced furtively at the woman he’d once called his wife.
She was flushed from the walk, and Buck slowed his pace even more. He tempered his urge to run, to bolt for the stable. He knew he could easily outpace her and have a horse saddled before she even made it to the stable. It took all his self-control to keep from doing just that.
“I can’t do this,” she said, pulling in a deep breath and clenching her hands in front of her.
“What?” Buck whirled on her in surprise. “What do you mean, you can’t do this? You already have.”
“I know,” she admitted with a short nod. “I realize now that I’ve tipped the balance. I was thinking only of myself when I came here. I didn’t realize how it was going to affect you.”
“How do you mean?”
She shook her head before feinting out of the question. “You’ve done a fine job raising Tyler.”
“No thanks to you,” Buck growled before he could think better of it. “It wasn’t easy. I struggled for many years to get where I am now. And Tyler has really come out of his shell now that Ellie is here to give him a mother’s guidance.”
“Something I never did,” Julie admitted. “I was never good mother material, never mind being a decent wife. And that’s another thing.”
Buck just stared at her, wondering where she was going with all this.
“Your relationship with Ellie,” Julie stated.
Buck didn’t know what to say, so he remained silent, but he wasn’t about to deny the relationship he’d built with Ellie if Julie pushed him on the subject.
“I’ve seen the way you look at her.”
“And…?”
“And I’m happy for you. I really am. Ellie obviously loves you—and Tyler. I’m glad to see you’ve really moved on with your life, and I know Ellie makes you happy.”
Buck shook his head, his eyes narrowing on Julie. “Why do I feel there’s more to this? You suddenly having the overwhelming compulsion to see the son you abandoned ten years ago? Tell me the truth, Julie.” He placed a foot on the corral fence and leaned his elbows into the hard strength of the wood, choosing to stare out into the range rather than to look straight at his ex.
“Look, I don’t know how to say this, or how you will take it, so I’m just going to be blunt,” Julie said suddenly with a rush of air. “Things went downhill the moment I left you, Buck. I was really young and immature and stupid. I did so many, many things I regret.”
Buck didn’t answer, though privately he agreed with her assessment.
“I got into a lot of trouble before God pulled me out of the mire,” she continued when Buck didn’t speak. “I have asked His forgiveness, but I came here to ask for yours, on behalf of both you and Tyler.”
Buck felt as if he were turned to stone. He wasn’t ready to forgive Julie. He wasn’t sure he ever would be. But to his surprise, the rush of anger and disappointment he expected to experience never came.
“I’m about to be married to a wonderful Christian man—a minister,” Julie continued. “If I can help it, I don’t want to go into this marriage with such a large burden on my soul. Can you understand that?”
Buck scrubbed his palms across his eyes against the terrible headache forming in his temples. He thought his head might pop from too much information, too quickly.
“I’ll leave first thing in the morning,” she continued softly when Buck didn’t say anything. “I promise I won’t try to talk to Tyler, though I’ll admit it gave me great joy to sit through dinner with him. He was so animated. And happy.”
