I had the sudden urge to cry. I was sick of being denied the things I wanted in my life. I was sick of always wondering what something was like. I’d had a taste of Finn and all it did was make the urge worse.
Why was this happening to me? I’d been good my entire life. I lived the way Daddy taught me was the right way. I went to church and said my prayers every chance I got. How was I able to allow such sinful impulses to take over me? The devil was working overtime on me, and I had the feeling that if I didn’t stop myself soon, I’d do something that I couldn’t undo and taint my soul.
Just thinking of my soul, I clutched at my cross and took slow, deep breaths.
“Don’t be sorry. This was my fault. I’m the sinner, remember?” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m going back outside. I just came in for a break. I’ll see you around, okay?”
I nodded my answer and said nothing as he stepped away and left the room.
The following day, Friday, I went to the church again with Daddy and again, I sat at the window and watched Finn work. It was sad how mixed up in him I was. Perhaps it had something to do with that life-altering kiss—my first kiss. Maybe it was because he was so different than everything around me and a nice change of pace. Either way, I couldn’t stop myself.
This time, I only looked when his back was to me. I didn’t want to take the chance of him catching me staring again. It was hotter than the day before, and he and the other guy who was working on clearing out the rocks were drenched in sweat.
His shirt stuck to his body and begged to be taken off. I wanted to see what was under there. I wanted to see if there were more tattoos and piercings. I wanted it more than a cold glass of iced tea on a hot day. And then, as if hearing my thoughts, he reached down and pulled his shirt up and over his head.
If I’d thought that his body looked shapely under his clothing, I really had no idea what I was thinking. With his shirt gone, I could see every ripple; every move his body made was emphasized in the muscles that moved beneath his skin. There was a tattoo on his right shoulder blade that I couldn’t make out, and when he turned toward where I stood, I didn’t hide this time.
My eyes were glued to him. From his hard chest, down over his ribs and abdominal muscles, and past the light dusting of dark hair beneath his belly button. He took my breath away and I felt funny. My breasts felt heavy and sensitive. There was a deep tingling sensation that ran from my stomach into the lower parts of my body and past my thighs.
When I looked back up, he was staring back at me with an angry expression. He picked up his shirt and pulled it roughly over his head. Spearing his shovel into the dirt so it stood on his own, he walked toward the church.
Quickly, I moved away from the window and spun around. When I did, I ran into my dad. He towered over me with knowing eyes.
“‘But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.’ Matthew 5:28. I think these days that goes for men as well. Don’t let me catch you lusting after that boy again, Faith,” he said with tight lips. “Thankfully, he won’t be here much longer. Now come on. Stephen’s here and wants to talk to you.”
My cheeks flamed with embarrassment. Daddy never talked about sex or lust. Hearing him say the word made me feel sick to my stomach. I nodded my understanding and followed behind him. We barely made it to the door to leave when Stephen walked in.
His brassy auburn hair looked redder in the sunlight and the sun glinted off of his braces when he smiled at me. He really was a nice guy, but I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried to make myself, like him.
“Everyone okay in here?” he asked my dad with a smile.
“Yes, sir, just coming to get our girl,” my dad said as he clapped me roughly on the back before he stepped away and left the room.
“Sorry. I hope I wasn’t interrupting your work, but my mother said you were here today and since I didn’t get your number on our last date, I thought I’d stop by and ask you if you wanted to grab a bite to eat since it’s dinner time.”
His smile was too friendly—his eyes not filled with any emotion whatsoever. I wondered to myself if my eyes looked the same to Finn when he first met me. Did they still look like that?
I didn’t want to go. Honestly, I would’ve enjoyed sitting home and laying my hand on the hot stove more than I would going out with him again, but I knew I had to. I couldn’t lie and say I had plans because my dad would mess that up. I had no choice but to go and pretend to enjoy myself.
“Sure.” My face felt stiff when I smiled.
We turned toward the door to leave, and Finn was standing in the doorway.
“Hey. Where you guys headed?” he asked as he dried his hands on some paper towels from the bathroom.
“We were just going to grab some dinner,” Stephen said with a friendly smile.
An odd expression flashed across Finn’s face before it cleared quickly and he sent me his signature grin. The expression came and went so fast that it was as if I’d seen things.
“Well, have fun.” His smile was false. Something was definitely off. “Don’t do anything I would do.”
His eyes locked with mine as if he were begging me for something. In my imagination, I heard him say, Please don’t go with him. Go with me. Be with me. I almost pulled him to the side and asked him if he was okay.
“All ready?” Stephen asked as he slipped his hand in mine.
The gesture made me blush and my cheeks felt hot. Finn looked Stephen up and down and briefly, anger flashed in his eyes. What the heck was his problem anyway?
I smiled at Finn as Stephen led me past him out the door of the kids’ room. Finn reached out and grabbed my other hand, prompting me to turn back and look at him. There was a crushed look in his eyes before he quickly dropped it back to my side. Stephen saw nothing, but when I passed my dad’s office, he was standing at the door and his expression told me he hadn’t missed Finn’s little display.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I had days left at the church and the way that Faith was eye-fucking me from the window was making me insane. She couldn’t know she was doing it, which made it ten times worse. She wanted me and she didn’t even understand she did.
All sex stuff aside, the crazy part was I was pretty sure I was falling for her. I couldn’t even believe I was thinking that, but I was. I could tell by the way I felt when I was around her. I’d never felt that way before and I wasn’t sure I liked it too much. My mind had never been so absorbed with one girl. She was all I could think about. It was making writing songs for the band hell. Everything came out sounding like an eighties love ballad.
So after catching her staring at my junk from the window, I wasted no time. I left my shovel there and made my way through the church with a mission. I was going to kiss her senseless and I was going to ask her on a proper date. The boys would find it hilarious and it was completely out of character for me, but fuck it.
Not to mention, the pastor would probably have a heart attack, but if I had to, I’d talk her into sneaking out with me. I wanted to spend time with her outside of the church, time away from all interruptions so I could take my time and peel back all her layers—find out what made her tick, what she liked and hated.
Finding out what was under those god-awful skirts was the least of my worries when it came to Faith. Don’t get me wrong, sex with her was running all through my mind, but more than anything and for the first time ever, I really just wanted to spend time with her.
When I got to the door and saw her there with Stephen, I felt anger that I hadn’t known before. I’d been in fights for less. I contemplated going in and beating the shit out of the dude, but technically he wasn’t doing anything wrong.
I knew inside that he was the better man, but I didn’t care. I wanted her to be mine and I was greedy and suddenly needy. Weeks of being around someone untouchable knowing they’d welcome your touch is a bitch.
As soon as I was done at t
he church, and after checking on my mom, I met up with some friends and smoked until my eyes burned. When I was done smoking, I took shot for shot with my buddy, Leroy, until I couldn’t feel my face. I was on a downward spiral, but I didn’t want to feel anything.
I woke up the next morning in my bed with my clothes still on. I had no idea how I’d gotten there or how long I’d been there, but my head felt like someone smashed it with a hammer. My eyes were sealed shut and I had to pry them apart. The sun broke in through my curtains and drilled my sensitive eyes and straight through to the back of my head. At least that’s how it felt.
It took me longer than usual to get out of the bed, and when I did, I took my precious time peeling off my clothes. My shirt smelled like women’s perfume and there was lipstick on my face. I threw my clothes on the floor next to my door and got a hot shower.
When I finally appeared in the kitchen, my mom looked at me and shook her head.
“Feeling better?” she asked with attitude.
“I feel like shit. What time did I get home last night?”
“You mean what time did I have to come pick you up? Hmm, I’d say it was about four this morning. The cop was super friendly about the whole thing since you started crying and acting crazy.” She turned off the stove and shoveled some eggs onto a plate before setting it in front of me. “Eat. You’ll feel better.”
“Cops? I don’t remember any cops, and I don’t cry so that’s bullshit,” I said defensively.
“Watch your language and don’t you get snippy with me, Jimmy.” She pointed at me with the spatula.
I felt like shit for being mean to her.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry about last night, too. I don’t know what got into me.” I took a bite of my eggs and my stomach turned.
“It’s okay. You’ve done worse, but don’t do that again. I was worried sick about you. Apparently, the cops were called by Leroy’s neighbor because of the noise, and you refused to leave. They were about to take you in when Leroy called and told me to come get you. By the time I got there, you were in tears—something about losing faith and God punishing you.”
She sat down at the table beside me and reached out for my hand. I squeezed her small fingers to assure her I was okay.
“I know you’ve been through a lot in your life, Jimmy, and if you ever need to talk, you know I’m always here for you. You can tell me anything and I’ll never judge.” Her eyes watered up and I had to look away.
“Thanks, Mom.” I leaned up and kissed her on the cheek. “I love you and I’ll always be grateful to you for taking me in.” Emotion closed my throat.
“I’ll always be grateful for you. I’m not sure I could’ve made it through without you.”
She patted my hand and then got up and left the room. I could tell by her small limp that she was in pain. I felt awful for her having to get out of bed and deal with my drunken ass. It was a dumb thing for me to do and she deserved better out of me.
Later that afternoon, while I was out getting some stuff for my mom, I passed the church. Faith was sitting on the front steps alone, so I pulled in and parked in a dry patch of grass. I sat in the Jeep, watching as she wrote in a notebook. She had no idea she was being watched. She was so hypnotic—the slide of her soft hair against her shoulder as she pushed it from her face. The movement of her hand as she wrote slowly. She was beautiful.
She looked up when I shut my door and started toward her. Her smile was welcoming and bright. I couldn’t help but smile back.
“Hey. What are you doing?” I asked as I sat beside her. “Writing naughty things about me in your diary?”
She looked me in the eye, her brown orbs sucking me in and capturing me.
“What if I am?” she asked.
I was more than shocked. Even though she blushed sweetly, I couldn’t believe she’d said something so blunt and flirty. I liked it. I liked it a lot.
“Are you?” If she was, I wanted to read it.
She grinned at me as she closed the book. “Maybe.”
I could play like that with her all day. Not only was it adorable as hell, it was turning me on. I’d never been turned on by something so innocent.
“Can I read it?”
A guy could hope.
“I’m not going to let you read my journal.”
“Why not? My name’s in it.”
She laughed. “And that’s exactly why you’re not reading it. What are you doing here today anyway? It’s Saturday.” She quickly changed the subject.
“I was just driving by and saw you sitting out here all by your lonesome. I thought I’d stop by and say hi. Maybe find out how your date went last night,” I said, even though I didn’t want to know.
As a matter of fact, it was the last thing I wanted to know about. If she told me he kissed her, there was no telling what I’d do.
“It was fun. We went and had dinner at the restaurant next to the tracks downtown, and then he took me home.”
It was official. Stephen was a dumbass.
“Did you get to try out your new kissing skills?” The hair on my arms stood on end as I waited for her to answer.
Her cheeks went pink, begging me to touch her face. I curled my fingers up in my palm and kept my hands to myself.
“No. Just another kiss on the cheek,” she said with a frown. “I’m starting to think he doesn’t like me very much.”
“That’s impossible. He likes you, trust me.”
Why was I helping him? I needed to shut my big mouth.
“How do you know?” she asked.
“Because I just know.”
She turned toward me and her eyes took me in. She bit at her bottom lip nervously and tucked a strand of her hair behind ear. I wanted to kiss her again. Stupid Stephen had the chance and he wasn’t taking it. Damn him.
“Finn, what was yesterday about?”
“What do you mean?”
I knew what she meant. I had no business grabbing her hand that way, but I hadn’t wanted her to go with him. I wanted her to stay and go out with me.
“Never mind.” She turned away and picked at a weed growing between the brick of the steps.
I watched her for a bit before deciding to answer her question.
“I didn’t want you to go. That’s why I grabbed your hand.”
Her eyes moved over my face as she tried to figure me out. She opened her mouth to say something, but Stephen chose that time to come out of the church.
“Hi, James,” he said with a grin.
If he wasn’t such a preacher’s boy, I’d think it was a knowing grin.
“Hey. What’re you doing here?”
“I was just stopping by to pick up Faith, but I had to speak to her father real quick. Is everything okay?” he asked as he saw the tension between the two of us.
I was probably tenser because he called me James. Not to mention that he was practically rubbing it in that he was taking her out and best friends with the big preacher man. As far as I was concerned, he could suck my dick. I was getting about sick of him and his little brownnosing ass.
Faith looked away like she felt guilty. There was no need to feel guilty. We weren’t together so she wasn’t doing anything wrong. It still sucked, though.
I stood and wiped dirt from the back of my jeans. “Well, you kids have fun at dinner.”
“Oh, we’re not going to dinner tonight—just the movies.”
He reached down for Faith’s hand and pulled her into the standing position. She smiled at him and tucked her hair behind her ear.
“That sounds exciting,” I said sarcastically. “Have fun.”
I walked away. I was getting mad and the last thing I wanted to do was punch the kid in his nose in the churchyard.
Once I was in the Jeep, I looked over and watched as they walked to what looked like his parents’ car. He opened her door for her and she slipped inside. I revved my engine and pulled out of my parking space. When I made it to the main road, I peeled tires pulli
ng out into traffic.
I was being childish. I knew that. I should’ve been used to being the unwanted one. I’d been the unwanted one for most of my life and it wasn’t fair. I didn’t ask to be born to someone who didn’t want kids, just like I didn’t ask to fall for the preacher’s daughter. Things happened that way and there’s nothing you can do to control it. All you can do is ride the ride and pray you don’t crash.
I never did take my mom her stuff from the store. I’m sure she was pissed about that. I wouldn’t have known, though, since I’d left the cell with her and she had no way to reach me. I was hitting a low place—a place I hadn’t been to since I was taken into my mom’s home. It was like reliving the foster homes and the families who never wanted me over and over again. Having Faith walk away from me was nothing like being tossed on your ass and back into the system. If anything, it was worse. I wasn’t used to feeling that way about a girl. Everything about my situation with Faith was different.
I should’ve gone home and talked to my mom. I should’ve done the right thing, but instead, I found myself at a friend’s house, drinking away my sorrows … again. Once I drank away all in inhibitions, I did something crazy. I drove to the movie theater and waited for Faith to come out.
My dad seemed to be pushing Stephen and me together even more. I think it was because he caught Finn and me together so much lately. That and the secret touches Finn made sure to get in whenever we were together. Either way, I assumed my dad thought Stephen and me being together would make me forget about Finn.
It was exhausting and it was starting to get on my nerves. Especially since I couldn’t stop thinking about Finn. It made me somehow feel dirty being on a date with one guy while thinking of another. I didn’t even enjoy the fact that I was being allowed out. I’d gotten to the point where I’d rather sit home and do nothing than go out with Stephen, but I didn’t want to be rude. I wasn’t one to hurt someone’s feelings on purpose.
One thing I knew for sure was something was happening between Finn and me. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it lingered in the air between us when we were together. I didn’t want to think too much into it and get hurt. It was more than obvious to me that I was falling for Finn. I might have already fallen, except I had no idea what it felt like to be in love with someone. I just knew that everything about him made me smile and every time I was with him, life felt tolerable—better even.
Get Rocked Page 48
