by A. P. Watson
“Do you want to sit?”
“Yeah. That’d be nice.” We sat on the floor, our backs resting against the wall. “Will you tell me about it?” she asked softly.
“About stripping?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” I took a deep breath and rubbed my palms together. “Well, you already know everything that happened with Liam. He took out all those credit cards in my name and stuck me with the bill. At the time, I was working as a tech at the hospital, but even picking up extra shifts and working six nights a week didn’t make a difference. The facts were that I wasn’t making enough money at the hospital and I had to get those cards paid off before the interest kicked in. Then I heard about an amateur night opportunity from a girl I had a class with. She was a dancer at The Peel, and she convinced me to come try my luck for a night.”
“Then what happened?”
“To be honest, I didn’t think I could do it. Seeing Liam and his ex-girlfriend together destroyed my self-confidence. I felt used and unwanted. And I kept thinking, ‘Why would anyone want to see me, my body?’ Liam had me and he didn’t even want to touch me.”
“What changed your mind?”
“The girl from class dressed me up and let me borrow a pair of her heels. When I fastened the straps of those babies, something shifted inside me. I looked incredible, and I felt sexy. It was like I transformed into another person. Those men sitting in that dim club didn’t know how broken I was. They had no idea what I’d been through, and when I stepped on stage, they stared at me like I was the solution to all their problems.” I paused for a moment, the memory of that night flooding my senses. “I made more money in that one night than I did working four shifts at the hospital. It was then I realized I had power over my situation. I knew I could dig myself out of the hole I’d been thrown into, and that thought was liberating.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through all that, babe. I was so mad you kept this huge secret from me, but more than that, I was upset you didn’t come to me for help. Ry and I would have done whatever you needed. We would’ve been more than happy to help you pay off those credit cards.”
“I know, and I appreciate your support. But it was something I needed to do on my own. Going through that experience made me a survivor, and it taught me a hell of a lot about myself.”
“I’ve always been in awe of how fearless you are.”
“Thanks, Ter.” I hooked my arm through hers, laying my head on her shoulder. “I wanted to tell you so many times, I just didn’t know how. I was always going to eventually do it, but I guess I was just waiting for the right words.”
Her fingers combed through my hair. “I believe you. It’s a hard secret to share, so I don’t blame you for wanting to keep it locked inside.”
“Thanks for understanding. How is Ryan? Is he still mad at me?”
“He’s not mad at you. He felt the same way I did. He was hurt you didn’t come to us for help and angry you suffered in silence when there was something we could have done.”
“That sounds like Ryan.”
“I just want you to know there is no way we could ever be ashamed of you. The three of us are like family, and family is always there for each other—no matter what.”
“I know.”
“Good,” she whispered.
“I also appreciate Ryan coming to my defense. I know he would’ve kicked Henry’s ass if given the chance.”
“Honestly, I think he was a little disappointed when Jackson intervened. It made me think of the Halloween party where he decked Liam.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the memory. “God, that was so awesome.”
“He fucked up Liam’s jaw pretty good.”
“Yeah, he did,” I agreed.
“I think Jackson did a pretty good job with Henry though. I was actually somewhat frightened for the prick’s life.”
“He told me that if I hadn’t spoken up, he wouldn’t have stopped.”
“Damn.”
“Yep.”
“So, how has living with Jacks been?”
“How do you know about that?”
“Oh, come on. Who else would you have stayed with?”
“Nate.”
“I texted him and told him you were absolutely not allowed to stay at his place.”
“A hotel then.”
“Nope, Jackson wouldn’t have let you. Plus, he texted Ryan and told us you were staying with him.”
My eyes narrowed as I focused on her. There was no scheme I wouldn’t put past her. “When did you stop being mad at me?”
“Sunday.”
“What? Why didn’t you call me?”
“Because I wanted you to stay with Jackson and figure out whatever is still between y’all.”
“You devious, manipulative—”
“You’re welcome!”
“Jesus Christ, Ter! You let me live with him for almost a week! That’s like giving donuts to a diabetic.”
“You both need to stop fighting it!”
“It’s way more fucking complicated than that and you know it.”
“I suppose you’re right.”
“Did you and Ryan know he planned on asking me to move to New York with him? As soon as he found out his promotion had changed, he wanted to ask me.”
She nodded, a slight smile tugging at her mouth. “Yeah, he told us. That is one of the reasons I’ve been wanting you to talk to him.”
“And Ford was supposed to be my dog.”
“I know.”
“Ugh,” I groaned. “This whole situation is such a mess. I’ll be honest with you, Jacks and I have this crazy, undeniable chemistry. We connect on a level I’ve never experienced with another person. When I told him about stripping, he stared at me like I was the most precious thing in the entire world. He admired my resolve, my willingness to survive.” I wiped away a small tear forming in the corner of my eye. “He gave me back something that had been ripped away. He made me believe I deserved to be loved.”
“And?”
“And then everything at Everest happened. I know he never intended to hurt me, but the past can’t be altered.”
“What about Kenneth? How do you feel about him?”
“He’s sweet and considerate. I really like him.”
“But do you think you could have an intense connection with him?”
“Things like that take time.”
“It didn’t with Jackson,” she countered.
I rolled my eyes dramatically. Touché.
“I just don’t know if I can allow myself to trust Jacks again. He broke me . . . worse than Liam did. Sometimes, I feel like the image of him and Elise kissing has been burned into my eyelids. And I can’t forget it, no matter how hard I try.”
“I know Jackson hurt you and everything is all fucked up right now. But starting over with a guy who hasn’t wronged you doesn’t make him right for you.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Yes, it is!” she shouted. “You believe the man you’re supposed to be with is this amazing, perfect soul who will save you from a past you’ve always been so eager to forget.”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with a man who treats me right.”
“Maybe not, but Kenneth is a distraction! You can try to make things work with him and try to forget Jackson, but eventually, it’ll all catch up with you.”
“My feelings for Kenneth will grow, and then everything with Jacks will fade away.”
“You can’t make yourself feel something that isn’t real.”
“I have to try.”
“Babe . . .”
“I guess I’m not as fearless as you thought,” I breathed.
She nodded, her expression falling as she looked at me. “Are you coming home tonight?”
“Yeah, I need to.”
We stood together, still leaning against the wall. “Then I’ll see you later.” She pulled me into a tight hug, and we held onto each other like
that for a while.
“Okay. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
She turned in the direction of the door as the chime sounded again. Shock stilled my heart for a beat as Jacks stepped inside the studio.
“Hey, Terayn,” he said with a nod.
“Hey. I’ll leave the two of you to talk.”
“Thanks, Ter. I’ll see you later.” When the door closed behind her, it was as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. “Is everything okay?”
Jacks buried his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. “Yeah.”
“Did you need something?”
“I just wanted to see you.”
“Do you want to talk?”
“No.”
“I’m going to work on my routine for a little bit. You can just hang out and chill for a while if you want.”
“Okay,” he replied, his voice hoarse.
I walked over to my phone to switch the song. Once I had “Closer” on repeat, I stepped up to the nearest pole and began working on the choreography I played around with earlier. At first, it was nearly impossible to keep myself from watching Jacks. The last time I danced for him, we slept together. And something like that couldn’t happen again. Even if part of me wanted it to.
I could sense his eyes following my every movement, and the prospect was both exhilarating and terrifying. My body yearned to be touched. It called out to him with every roll of my hips. I was no longer in control as I surrendered to the beautiful yet haunting lyrics. Every trick I performed flowed effortlessly into the next, and gradually, I slipped into my own little world. Whenever I was on stage at The Peel, I was in charge. I revealed bits of my flesh to horny men, in the hopes they would buy a private dance. But the times I danced for Jacks, the vulnerability I experienced was inescapable. It was as if I were bearing my soul to him in every way imaginable.
Desire and fear ignited my skin, pushing me toward the edge of inevitability. Jacks wrung his hands together as my spine undulated in perfect time with the music. I could recall the pressure of his hands with perfect clarity. Sliding along my flesh, tangling in my hair, those hands made me feel things I never dreamed were possible. I tried to stay away, but I couldn’t. Sometimes, mistakes were worth repeating, and at the moment, it was the only thing I longed to do.
But like all things, the song came to an end, and a long pause followed before it would play again. The break was enough to bring reality crashing all around me. Jacks was on his feet now, pacing back and forth, with his gaze locked onto mine.
“Are you okay?”
“Does it look like I’m okay?”
“Not really.”
“Fuck,” he mumbled.
“Talk to me.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
He shrugged his leather jacket off and then thrusted it in my direction. “Will you please put this on?”
I accepted the black material, turning it over in my hands. I knew why he wanted me to cover up, but I wanted him to say it. I needed to hear that he felt as vulnerable as I did. “Why?”
“Because every time you open your mouth to speak, I have a hard time concentrating on your face.”
I slid my arms through the sleeves and pulled the front together. “Better?”
“Not really, but it will do.” His fingers combed through his hair, disheveling the brown locks. “Why did I come here? What the fuck was I thinking?” he asked, talking more to himself than to me.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong.”
“Bullshit,” I spat. “You look like you don’t feel well. Are you getting sick?”
“I’m not sick.”
I stepped toward him, placing my wrist on his forehead. “You feel warm. Are you sure you’re not coming down with something?”
Suddenly, his fingers rounded my shoulders, pushing the jacket to the floor. The sound of it colliding with the wooden floor reverberated in my ears. Grasping my waist, he lifted me into the air and pinned me against the wall. I sucked in a deep breath, causing my chest to press into his. Instinctively, my legs wrapped around his waist. Then, as fast as we came together, Jacks separated us. He set me on the ground gently, backing away.
“Fuck,” he muttered. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here.” He spun around, picking up his jacket and storming for the door.
“Stop,” I called out. His body stilled at my command, and I raced toward him. “What do you want from me, Jacks?”
He shook his head, refusing to look at me. “Everything.”
“You can’t ask that of me.”
“You think I don’t know that? This is exactly the kind of thing I’ve been trying to avoid. I tried to keep everything in control because I don’t want to fuck things up again.”
“Even if you could keep everything in control, trust isn’t something I give away easily.” My sinus tachycardia was in overdrive as my heart hammered away inside my chest. When he had just held me, I was ready to throw caution to the wind. I was ready to give in to the moment, ready to make the same mistakes all over again, and though the thought had been tempting while I was dancing, it now terrified me.
“I know,” he whispered.
“You broke my trust. I want to believe you won’t hurt me again, but I can’t take that risk.” I pulled a deep breath into my lungs, praying for the courage to continue. “I need to clear my head and think about a lot of things. And in order for me to do that, I think we should keep our distance for a while.”
“Wren . . .”
“I’m sorry, but I have to do what’s best for me.”
He nodded, his mouth stretching into a grim line. When he reached the door, he turned to look at me one last time. Regret was written all over his face, distorting the curve of his mouth and the expression in his eyes. And then, he was gone.
chapter fifteen
without words
THE FOLLOWING WEEKS PASSED in a blur as I helped Ter with all the last-minute wedding details. Honestly, I was more persnickety about the arrangements than she was. After the engagement party crashed and burned, I was desperate to ensure the wedding went off without a hitch. My best friends deserved to have the perfect day, and I didn’t care what I had to do to make it happen.
For the most part, life got back to normal. I kept my word and my distance. Jacks and I had only seen each other three times since that night at the studio. We had dinner with David twice, and although we had been cordial, an air of formality had hovered between us. We were polite acquaintances. Nothing more and nothing less. My relationship with Kenneth, on the other hand, intensified. We spent most of our free time together, and even though we were taking things slow, I could tell he was beginning to fall in love with me. My affections were slower to form and develop because I was being overly cautious, but I knew no other way. Time would have to pass, trust would need to be formed, and I would have to allow myself to forget everything I used to want.
The third time Jacks and I had seen each other was at the rehearsal dinner last night. We had spoken for a little while, both of us attempting to be overly polite. But I could tell Jacks was holding back. There were things he wanted to say, conversations he hoped to have, and yet, despite everything we’d been through, we had barely shook hands when we bumped into one another on our way to the bar.
Ter and Ryan had their rehearsal dinner at the Four Seasons. The lavish, intimate setting of the stateroom was the perfect place to host the dinner. And today, its beauty was only outdone by the stunning decorations adorning the grand ballroom. Crystal chandeliers, metallic gold chairs, and peonies dotted the massive space, creating the perfect romantic atmosphere. Everything Ter selected was immaculate. Her artistic eye had a vision for this day, and the staff at the Four Seasons helped us execute it with absolute precision.
“How do I look?” Ter asked, turning to face me. “Do I look ready?” Her hands smoothed over the skirt of her wedding dress, fluffing the airy p
each and cream tulle. Pearls and rhinestones dotted the dress, complementing the beaded headband in her hair. Long locks of her raven hair fell around her face in soft curls. The hair stylist had pinned half of it up, showcasing her delicate facial features.
“You look absolutely perfect!” I played with her train, adjusting the material until it laid just right. Tears welled in my eyes as I stared at my best friend in her wedding dress.
Peach, cream, and pink peonies had been wrapped with satin to form her bouquet. Her fingers toyed with the petals nervously.
“Really?”
“Yes! You’re the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen.” I set my hands over hers, hoping the gesture would calm her nerves. “Why are you so nervous?”
She smiled, sighing slightly. “I’m not nervous. I’m excited! So excited I can barely keep it all contained. And the last thing I want to do on today of all days is scream like a crazy person.”
“It’s never stopped you before,” I teased.
“True,” she replied with a laugh. “I guess . . . I just can’t wait to marry my best friend.”
“I know, babe. And based on the text he sent me thirty minutes ago, neither can he.”
“Okay. We’re starting now. Are both of you ready?” Martha, the wedding planner, asked.
“Yes,” Ter replied.
“Excellent,” Martha stated. “We’ll open the doors, and your bridesmaids will walk down the aisle first. Then, once the music you’ve selected starts, you’ll walk down the aisle with your father.”
“Thank you,” Ter said, her attention shifting to her father.
Martha nodded once and whispered something into a headset. Presumably, she was speaking to one of the employees she brought with her to ensure the entire day went smoothly.
Ter’s father beamed at her as Martha led him over to her. Kissing her forehead, he wrapped his arms around her. “Your mother would be so proud of you.”
Ter blinked back tears as she stared at him. “Thanks, Daddy.”
“You look beautiful, angel. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I walked over to Ter and her father, giving each of them a hug.
“I love you, Ter.”
“Love you too, babe.”
