“Not used to seeing you off-duty,” the guy said.
“Yeah, this isn’t my usual scene,” Jason said, loudly enough that the people waiting closest to the door could hear him, and they all shot looks our way. There was a woman standing next to the bouncer, with a clipboard.
“Are you on the list?” she asked.
“I think so,” I said. “Emmy Bender and Jason Armstrong.” I watched as the woman’s eyes scanned the paper she had on the clipboard. “Laurel and Flax said they were putting us on,” I added as she turned the page. Maybe they’d forgotten? Jason was still talking with the bouncer, not paying attention to the woman as she looked through her list. All the people waiting nearby, though, seemed to be watching, waiting to see what would happen. I could tell they thought I was making it up, that I was some imposter just trying to get in without having to wait in line.
“Emmy and Jason,” the woman said. “Here you are. No last names, but it’s noted that you’re guests of Laurel and Flax.” She nodded to the bouncer. “They’re good.”
It was impossible not to notice the looks of disbelief on some of the people’s faces, and I did feel a little bit vindicated, stupid dress and all. The bouncer and Jason slapped palms again and then he stepped back, pushing the door of the club open for us. I was hit by a blast of warm air and sound, and then the door was closing behind us.
The place was already pretty packed; the bar was full, the dance floor maybe half full but filling up. There was a lounge area with couches and chairs, and the stage wasn’t really a stage but more of a raised platform in the middle of the room, so people could watch the DJ from all angles. The music had that pulsing beat, but it was also sultry, with a little bit of jazz mixed in. Strobe lights flashed kaleidoscopic shimmers of light across the room.
I saw Laurel and Flax at the bar, so we made our way over there.
“We’re so glad you’re here!” Laurel said, giving a hug to us both. “We weren’t sure whether you were going to come or not. We were just about to enjoy some refreshments; come join us. Flax and I have a little ritual—something we’d do with your sister before we’d start a set—so it’d be great if you wanted to take part.”
“Sure, as long as it involves leaving my clothes on,” Jason said.
“Follow us.”
There was a spiral staircase at the back of the room that I hadn’t noticed when we first came in, and we followed Laurel and Flax up there. It led to a single room, the beams in the ceiling exposed, a big window looking out onto the street. There were pillows and tapestries and Persian rugs lining the floor. A low, square table sat in the center, on which stood a platter of strawberries and chocolate, and a large ceramic teapot flanked by five cups.
“Have a seat,” Laurel said, folding her legs underneath her as she sat down on one of the pillows.
“Try a chocolate,” Flax said, sitting down next to Laurel. Jason and I sat too, and I took one of the chocolates from the platter. It was dark chocolate with a milk-chocolate-truffle filling, and it seemed to melt the moment it hit my tongue.
“That’s delicious,” I said.
“They’re Isa’s favorite.” Laurel smiled at the platter. “The chocolatier is this most fabulous gay man named Simon.”
“We had a few good experiences with Simon and Isa,” Flax said, a faraway smile on his face. “Along with one of those chocolate fountain things. Remember that, babe?”
Laurel smiled and nodded, but was focused on filling the five cups with tea. She slid one across the table to me, one to Jason, and one to Flax. She took the fourth for herself and left the final cup in the middle.
“This is for Isa,” she said, and she picked up her cup and did a little toast. “Wherever you are.”
“And whoever you’re with,” Flax added.
I brought the cup of tea to my lips and took a tentative sip. The tea tasted gross, but I drank it, trying to focus more on the sweet honey and lemon that I could taste rather than the bitterness. Next to me, Jason took a sip and grimaced.
“We’re on in ten minutes,” Laurel said. “So we should head back down soon. We usually just start the set, but tonight is a little different; we’re going to make an announcement. Will you guys stand near the stage? Do you mind?”
“We don’t mind,” I said.
But when we went back down there, we got separated from the two of them, and by then the place had really filled up and there was no way we were going to be able to muscle our way to the front. So Jason and I stood somewhere in the middle, pressed in among the crowd. The music had stopped entirely, which felt weird, because the strobe lights were still going, and some people were still dancing.
“Hello, my beautiful party-goers.” Laurel’s purr of a voice was suddenly amplified as it was broadcast across the PA. The crowd cheered. “As most of you know,” she continued, “Flax and I usually let our music do the talking. But tonight is different, because tonight we are honoring our dear friend and incredibly talented sister-in-song, Isa Bender. We know a lot of you out there are huge fans of Isa’s, and so tonight is all about harnessing our collective energy and sending it out into the universe with the intention that Isa is found and brought home safely. So, that is the request that Flax and I have of you all tonight, and going forward—that you send as many positive vibes as you can that our friend will be found and brought back safely.”
Everyone started clapping, some people shouted Isa’s name, a few people whistling. My heart felt like it was going to explode with love for all these people, these strangers, who wanted to see my sister come home.
“Tonight’s for Isa!” Flax shouted. “And if you see the Isa lookalike out there, that would actually be her twin sister, Emmy. Emmy, where are you? I know you’re out there. So, if you do happen to run into her, be sure to give her a hug.”
A few people nearby shot me curious looks; a girl with pink hair came over and threw her arms around me.
“You’re Emmy, aren’t you?” she said. “You look just like your sister. Even with that dress on.”
I squeezed her back, and then I hugged her friend, a guy who also had pink hair. I hugged about a dozen people, and each hug felt better than the previous. Jason was still sitting on one of the couches, just watching. I went over and sat next to him.
He had a funny look on his face, and I wasn’t sure if it was because he’d just watched me hug all those people. It wasn’t something I’d normally do, but it just felt so right in that moment. These were, after all, people who wanted to find Isa as much as I did. And maybe Laurel was right? Maybe if enough people got together and sent enough good energy out there, something good might happen. I knew most people would scoff at an idea like that, but it suddenly seemed like it would be entirely plausible. I mean, why not?
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said, rather unconvincingly. “Do you feel okay?”
“I feel wonderful.” As I looked around the room, I realized that everything had taken on a softer hue; the edges seemed blurred, like in a photograph. My skin felt warm, tingly. Colors somehow seemed both brighter and softer. I blinked and looked at Jason, who was sitting next to me, perfectly straight, his hands flat on his upper thighs. From this view, his profile, I admired his strong jaw, his neck, which was muscular without being bulky. I could see stubble on the side of his face, and I reached out and brushed my fingertips against it. The sensation underneath my fingers was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. How was this possible?
“You are so amazing,” I said to him, stroking his face.
He turned his cheek into my hand, letting his eyes close for a moment, but then he lifted his head and pulled back. He leaned toward me.
“Emmy,” he said. “Look at me.”
I did, my face only a few inches from his. “And I think you are the most handsome man that I’ve ever met. You really are. And you saved my life!” I pulled back and turned to the girl seated next to me. “Did you know this man right here saved my li
fe?” I said. “Honest—I was dead and he came in and kicked the shit out of the guy who was trying to kill me and literally breathed life back into me.” I paused after I said that, thinking about the magnitude of it. I truly did owe my life to Jason. The girl smiled.
“Then he sure sounds like a keeper,” she said.
“Oh, don’t I know it.” I turned back to Jason. “I don’t think there’s enough different ways to express my gratitude to you, except to say that I love you—I really do. I know it probably seems way too soon to be saying something like that, but it’s how I feel.” The words just seemed to be pouring out of my mouth; there was nothing I could do to stop them. But it was how I really felt, and I wanted him to know.
“Emmy,” he said. He touched my leg and the sensation sent warm waves reverberating through my whole body. Without thinking, I ran my fingers along his arm, and I was pretty sure that his breath caught in his throat as I did so, even though I was barely touching him. I shifted so I was almost sitting on top of him; the only thing that really seemed to matter in that moment was that I touch him; it didn’t matter where. One area of the body was no more deserving of touch than the rest, it all felt so sublimely good. I leaned down and buried my face in his neck, nibbled at the soft skin there, felt his pulse underneath my tongue. He exhaled loudly, his fingers sliding underneath my dress, resting lightly on my hips.
“Whatever you are doing feels incredible,” he said. He pulled me back a little so his mouth was right next to my ear. “In fact, it feels so incredible that I think we are on something.”
“On something?” I asked, pulling away. “What do you mean?”
“I think that tea we drank had something in it—ecstasy or something. I mean, I wouldn’t know because I’ve never done it before, but I know that I definitely feel... not quite normal.”
It was possible that he was right, but did it matter now? It wasn’t like we’d be able to do anything about it. And why would we want to? Aside from smoking pot a few times in high school (and, really, it had made me cough so badly I probably hadn’t inhaled any smoke at all), I’d never done drugs before. Certainly nothing like this, that was for sure. But if this was how good it made you feel, I could understand why people did it, why people would want to do it all the time. Because all I felt in that moment was this pure, innocent love for everything and everyone.
“But you don’t feel bad, right?” I said.
He shook his head, and I brought my hand up to the side of his face, tracing the line of his jaw with my fingertip. “I feel better than I think I’ve ever felt in my entire life,” he said. “And that’s what scares me.”
“You don’t have to be scared. Nothing bad is going to happen. We’ll take care of each other, okay? Nothing bad is going to happen to us tonight. Come on.” I knew if he stayed there, immobile, his anxiety about the whole thing might get the better of him, and that we needed to get moving and stay moving. I wasn’t sure how I knew this, but I did, and I wasn’t going to question it. I grabbed his hand and pulled him up.
We went down to the dance floor, and there I was, becoming one with the crowd. Any feelings of self-consciousness evaporated, like they had never existed in the first place. And the music! Why hadn’t anyone told me techno could sound this good? Had it always been this good and I’d shunned it because it was something Isa had always been into? Whatever the reason, it didn’t matter because I was here now and I was fully appreciating every second of it. My body moved to the beat without me having to do anything, it seemed, and it truly was the most amazing feeling. The strobes shot beams of Crayola-colored lights across the vast ceiling, which was so dark and seemed so deep, it was like looking up into outer space.
And we danced.
I twirled around, sashaying the skirt of my dress this way and that. Almost no one else was wearing a dress, which meant no one else was able to twirl quite like I was, to the same effect. I was vaguely aware, as I moved, that some people had stopped and were watching me, Jason included. Any other time, the knowledge that I was the focus of other people’s attention would have stopped me dead in my tracks, sent me running for the back room.
“Yeah, Isa’s sister!” someone yelled, and there was cheering. I kept dancing.
I danced and danced, letting myself get completely wrapped up in the music, until my leg muscles felt weak, until I was covered in sweat. My heart pounded and my mouth felt as dry as sandpaper out in the sun. Jason had returned to the couch and was sitting there, his eyes closed as the room pulsed around him. I went and sat down, sliding my hand up his arm. His eyes flew open.
“Oh, it’s just you,” he said. “I can’t tell you how many girls—and guys, actually—have come over here and started rubbing my arms! Someone even tried to blow in my face with one of those Vicks VapoRub things. As if I would want someone to do that.”
“I’m just going to go get some water,” I said. “I am totally parched.”
“I am, too. I was thinking of trying to find the bathroom here, though I might be better off if I just went outside and found a bush.”
We got up off the couch, and, holding hands, made our way across the dance floor. We stopped at the bar and I got a bottle of water, and then Jason said he was going to attempt to find the bathroom and he’d meet me back here. I unscrewed the top of the bottle and took a long sip. It might have been the best thing that I’d ever tasted.
I turned away from the bar as I took another sip and looked out at the dance floor. I saw some people walking toward the back, and going through a door into another room. I finished my water and followed them, stepping into a smaller room with blacked-out windows and what felt like a rubber floor. A disco ball hung from the middle of the ceiling, fractals of shimmering light decorating the walls and floor. There was a loud droning noise which I realized was coming from the several industrial-sized fans that were set up, blowing cool air around the room. People stood in front of the fans, shirts raised, arms outspread, expressions of bliss on their faces.
I soon found out why as I made my way over to one of the fans. The moving air against my skin felt so incredible that I just stood there with my eyes closed, arms outstretched, the fabric of my dress billowing around my legs.
I moved after a few minutes, not because I wanted to but because there were other people who had just come in, dripping sweat, and I knew they’d want their turn in the prime real estate in front of the fans. I stepped to the side as a guy approached. He smiled at me.
“Hey, thanks,” he said. He looked like he was fresh off the dance floor. He pulled a water bottle out of the back pocket of the black cargo shorts he was wearing and splashed some of the water over his head. “Ah, that feels good. How’s it going? I can’t believe I’m running into you again. What are the chances? What’ve you been up to?”
We stood there smiling at each other. “I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met before,” I said. “You have such a nice face! I’m sure I would’ve remembered you.”
He had orange hair that was mostly hidden under a black baseball cap, and he was wearing an orange-checkered shirt. His eyes were blue and he had a way of smiling that made his whole face light up. I definitely would’ve remembered someone like that.
He laughed. “I’m pretty sure it’s you. Up in Revelstoke?”
“I don’t even know where that is.”
“British Columbia.”
“Never been.”
“You’re just playing with me!” We both laughed, and then I saw Jason and I waved, pointing to the fan.
“Here’s my boyfriend,” I said as Jason made his way over. “This isn’t really his sort of thing; I think he wants to leave.”
“But it’s so much fun here. You’re having fun, aren’t you?”
“Of course! But I don’t know if Jason is.”
And then Jason was there by my side, standing in front of the fan. “Damn, it’s hot in here,” he said.
The guy offered him his half-empty water bottle, which Jason declined. �
��Warren’s here,” he said to me. “At least I’m pretty sure it’s him.”
“Oh! Maybe I should go talk to him.” I looked back to the orange-haired guy. “What’s your name?”
“Ezra,” he said. He held out his hand but I bypassed that and just went in for the hug—that’s what tonight seemed to be all about, anyway. “It was so nice to meet you! There’s this guy I really need to go talk to, but hopefully I’ll see you around!”
“You doing okay?” Jason asked as we went back out into the main room. “You scared me for a second there—I came back out from the bathroom and you were gone.”
“I saw people coming in here and wanted to check it out,” I said. “I’m sorry, though; I should’ve waited.”
He smiled. “I’m not trying to keep you on a leash or anything—don’t think that for a second. I just find myself worrying about you.”
“Even tonight?” I felt so good I didn’t think it would be possible to have a single care in the world.
“Especially tonight. Haven’t you noticed the way everyone is looking at you? Not that I can blame them.”
“I think everyone’s just having such a good time! I know I am.” And I was. There was a part of me that wondered if talking to Warren might not ruin that good time. But he was here, and I was here, so it made sense to talk with him now. “Where’s Warren?”
“At the bar.” Jason pointed.
I looked where he was gesturing and saw a thin man, wearing jeans and a raggedy-looking button-down shirt. He was hunched over his drink and appeared to be the only person in the whole place who wasn’t having the time of his life.
“I’m going to go talk to him,” I said.
“You want me to go with?”
“Only if you want to.”
“I’ll go over to the bar, but I’m going to get some water,” he said. “Just wave or something if you need to get my attention.” He pressed a hand up to his temple. “Though I’m not sure how much help I’d really be.”
I went up to him and stood on my tiptoes, lacing my arms around his neck. “You have already helped me more than anyone else,” I said. He leaned down and we kissed; I meant it to just be a quick one but once our lips locked, it was as if that was the only thing in the world we were able to do. I didn’t care that we were in the middle of a club, that there were people all around us. Just being there in his arms, feeling his mouth against mine—that was all I really wanted.
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