“I wish he didn’t see it that way,” I said. “It’s not like that at all.” I had never really thought of it in that sense, thought that my father saw it as I was willing to fight, just not for him. I supposed that it was true, in a way, but it was so much more than that.
“I know you’re not a bad guy,” Uncle Devin said. “You just happen to want things that have never even occurred to the rest of the family. Some might say you have grander ambitions.”
“Is there anything wrong with that?”
“If you come from a small, hick town in the East Bay, sure, there might be.”
“What do you think I should do, then? Since you seem to have all the answers.”
“I surely don’t have all the answers. And are you really asking me what I think you should do? Because you shouldn’t be asking that sort of thing if you aren’t prepared to hear the truth.”
“And you know the truth?”
“I know my truth. That’s all anyone can know. I know that if I wasn’t doing this, I’d probably be living off the government, collecting disability, feeling like a waste of space. What we’re doing might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it works for us. You think your father wants to drive trucks or work at Home Depot or some shit? You think your mom wants to work at Wal-Mart? This way of life works for us. Might not always, but we’ve been going at it for long enough now that it’s the only thing we know. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that.”
“I’m not judging you guys,” I said quietly. “And I’m not saying that you should be doing anything differently, either. But just because something works for you doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to work for me.”
“I know that, kid. And I don’t judge you for it. But I’m not the only person here, is all I’m saying. Sometimes, you have to do things you don’t want to do. It’s called life. I have another brother, you know. Your uncle Cody. He had some of the same issues that you’re having right now. Didn’t want a thing to do with this. He went about it the wrong way, though. Tried to convince everyone else that his way was the right way.”
“I’m not doing that. But the way everyone’s acting, you’d think I was.”
“It’s strange having a family member out there that you never talk to. Don’t know what their life is like. I don’t think that your father wants that to happen again.” He looked up at the house. “Think that gave your mother enough time?”
“Probably.”
Uncle Devin took a step toward me and laid a hand on my shoulder, which startled me a little, just because he wasn’t the sort of person who ever really made physical contact. I couldn’t ever remember him giving me a hug, or mussing my hair, or really doing anything like that at all. His hand gave my shoulder the briefest of squeezes, and then he pulled his arm back. “What I would tell you,” he said, “is that if you think you’ve found someone that you love, and who loves you back… there’s probably nothing in the world that I would trade that for.” He didn’t say anything else after that, just continued on up to the house, leaving me standing there to watch him go.
Chapter 13
Lena
I was getting ready for work when I heard my phone ringing where I’d left it in my bedroom. I normally would’ve ignored it and continued getting ready, but since there was the possibility that it might be Shep, I went over and picked it up. I didn’t recognize the number on the screen, though, but I decided to answer anyway.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Lena,” the voice said. “How’s it going?”
“Fine,” I said slowly. “Who’s this?”
“This is Holden.”
“Oh,” I said. “Sorry. I didn’t recognize your phone number.”
“This isn’t my phone number. But that doesn’t matter. Hey, listen—you have a minute?”
“Sure.” I set my coffee cup down. “Is everything okay with Shep?”
“Shep? Oh, sure. I mean, I figured you’d be the one to be telling me that, since you see him so much and everything.”
I laughed, even though I didn’t really find it funny.
“Listen,” he continued, “the reason I’m calling is because I wanted to talk to you about Shep. He’s my brother, and all.”
“Right,” I said. “I know that.”
“Of course you do. And seeing that he’s my brother, I want what’s best for him. Our whole family does, really. I’m not sure what he’s told you about our family, but while it’s true we haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything, we all love Shep and don’t want to see things in his life get messed up.”
“That’s good,” I said. I started to pace in front of the kitchen sink, trying to figure out just where the hell this conversation was going. “Because I want the same for him, too.”
“If that’s true, you’ll break up with him. Just end it. There’s no reason for any of this to continue between the two of you. You might think that you’re doing him a favor by trying to steal him from his family, but you’re wrong. So, do the right thing and just tell him that after much consideration, you don’t think that things are actually going to work out between the two of you. Will he be upset? Probably. For a little while, anyway. But he’ll get over it. Shep’s nothing if not resilient.”
I stopped walking. “Excuse me?” Was this some sort of joke? I started to laugh, again, not because I thought anything was particularly funny, but because I simply couldn’t believe that I was having this conversation to begin with.
“Something funny?”
“Are you seriously calling me and telling me to break up with Shep because you think I’m trying to steal him from your family?”
“That’s exactly why I’m calling.”
“All because I told him he shouldn’t feel like he needs to engage in illegal activities just because his family wants him to?”
“I knew it,” Holden said. “I knew you told him some shit like that.”
“Why wouldn’t I? I care about him. I don’t want to see anything bad happen to him. The first night I met him, he wasn’t able to fight when he was supposed to because he hurt his arm doing something for you.”
“He told you that?”
“Yeah, he told me. Listen, Holden. I’m not trying to steal him from your family. I just had your entire family over to my place for brunch! Things are serious between Shep and me, and I’d like it if we could be on good terms. But you calling and telling me that I have to break up with him sure as hell is not a way to stay on good terms.”
“You’re not really used to people telling you what to do, are you?” he asked mildly. “And that’s a rhetorical question—because, yes, I know what rhetorical means.”
“Um, okay. I never said you didn’t.” I pressed a hand up to my temple. “Holden, I’m going to get off the phone. This conversation is going nowhere. But you’re right—I’m not used to people telling me what to do, which means I sure as hell am not going to oblige you by breaking up with your brother just because you’re telling me to do so.”
“See, I think that would be a mistake.”
“Are you kidding me? Is that some sort of threat or something?”
“No, not a threat. Just a statement of fact. I mean, we all know that Shep will eventually open his eyes and see the light. He’ll realize that he’s not supposed to be with someone like you. You probably want to trap him into some suburban domestic life, have a couple of kids. Which I’m sure you’ll want him to stay home with. We know your type, Lena. You’re one of those left-wing liberal women who thinks if she orders enough people around, it’ll somehow magically make a dick grow between her legs.”
“Well, I’m sure it would be bigger than yours.”
I knew I shouldn’t continue to stay on the phone, shouldn’t engage with him anymore, but I was so angry, I couldn’t even see straight. Who the hell did he think he was? “Your brother is not some piece of property,” I said, “regardless what you or anyone in your fucked-up family thinks. And if he doesn’t want to partake in w
hatever illegal activities it is that you want him to, he shouldn’t have to. He actually wants something more out of his life. And if that includes being with someone who is supportive of that, then I guess you all are just going to have to accept it. Or not—I don’t really care. But you sure as hell are not going to call me up and tell me what to do.”
“I think you’re making a—”
I hung up.
I stared at the phone, half-expecting him to call back. But he didn’t. I couldn’t actually believe that we’d just had that conversation at all. Did he really think it would be that easy? I could just see Holden and his mother sitting at their cluttered kitchen table, talking about it. Just call her up, the mother probably said. Tell it to her like it is. She’ll listen.
I felt a sort of fury fill me, a cold kind of rage. Who the hell did these people think they were? I could see now why Shep felt like he needed to get away, also why he felt like he couldn’t really get away. It was obvious his family didn’t like me, even though there was no way in hell that I was trying to steal Shep away from them. The fact that they thought that’s exactly what I was doing was ridiculous, and made me like them even less.
I started to call Shep to tell him, but then I stopped. He was at the gym right now, and I didn’t want this to be a distraction. I’d tell him when I saw him. But as the day went on, and I replayed the conversation over in my head, I decided that I wasn’t going to say anything to him about it at all. He had that big fight coming up that he needed to be focused on, and I didn’t want to distract him with this bullshit. In fact, maybe Shep’s family was counting on the fact that I would immediately run to him and tell him what Holden had said. Ignoring it seemed to be the best course of action in this case. At least for now, anyway.
That didn’t mean that I was able to put it out of my mind completely, though. I kept thinking about it—the coldness in Holden’s voice, the matter-of-fact way he said that I should just leave Shep, like that’s all it would take, was him suggesting it. I tried to go about my day, running my errands, picking up the house, but the conversation kept playing in my head on repeat. I glanced at the clock on the microwave. Shep would be coming over in a little while, before he had to go to work, and I didn’t want to still be stewing about this.
So I called the number back that Holden had called me from. The phone rang half a dozen times before the voicemail finally picked up.
“Hi, this is Amber. I’m not here right now, but if you leave me a message, I’ll get back to you soon. Thanks!”
For a second I thought about hanging up. But I needed to get this off my chest. “I received a call from Holden Parkington from this number, so I’m hoping that you can pass this message along to him. Please let him know that idle threats might work with other people he’s used to dealing with, but not in this case. I am not the sort of person who is going to tolerate something like that, and if I need to call the police about it, I will. But I’d rather just leave things as they are, and not try to interfere with anyone else’s life. Thanks.”
It wasn’t as if a huge weight was lifted off my chest, but I did feel a little better. I hoped that Amber, or whoever’s phone that was, would pass the message along to Holden. Because I wasn’t going to put up with his shit. We didn’t have to like each other, we didn’t even have to ever see each other, but there was no way in hell he was going to dictate to me what I was supposed to do in my life. I wasn’t going to be like the other people in his life, who coddled him, who did what he wanted—even Shep, to a degree, which I understood, a little, because they were siblings, and sometimes you could be blind to the messed-up things that your sibling was capable of. Jenn had definitely pulled some stuff when we’d been growing up, but nothing like Holden. He seemed like a fifteen-year-old boy stuck in a grown man’s body. It was just too bad that he was going to try to interfere in his brother’s life like this, because by doing so, he was also interfering in mine. And I was not the sort of person to tolerate that kind of thing from anyone. No way.
Chapter 14
Shep
There had been a part of me that thought it might be hard, walking away from my family like that. That I might regret such a decision. But, as I would come to find out in the following days, then a week, then another week, that wasn’t the case at all. In fact, it felt wonderfully freeing. Holden wasn’t calling me up, trying to cajole me into doing something to “help him out.” Mom wasn’t asking me to come over or trying to hook me up with random girls she thought I might like. And my father? I had no idea what he was doing, but I knew there was no way in hell he would reach out first. It would be up to me to re-establish contact, and that wasn’t something I was ready to do yet.
Instead, life fell into a simple yet enjoyable routine. I worked at the bar, I went to the gym and trained, I hung out with Lena. Sometimes, I’d meet with her in the middle of the day on her lunch break, and we’d sit in a park or stroll around the city. I’d been living in the city for a while now, but walking around it with Lena was like getting to see it with new eyes.
“I should’ve done this a long time ago,” I said to Lena now. We were sitting out on the deck at her house, having just finished dinner—grilled salmon and asparagus and rice pilaf. “It’s just been such a weight lifted off my shoulders—I didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten.”
“You haven’t talked to them at all?” Lena asked.
“No. I’m not saying that I never want to speak to them ever again, but I think right now it really is what’s best. Which sucks to say, of course, because it’s your family and you don’t want to think that you’d be better off not having anything to do with them, but right now, that really seems to be the way things are.”
Lena nodded. She opened her mouth and started to say something, but then stopped.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing. Well, I’m glad that you feel like you made the right decision. But I guess part of me feels a little responsible for it, too. And I know that your family holds it against me.”
“They shouldn’t, though. It would be stupid if they did. Yeah, it might not have happened exactly the way it did if I didn’t meet you, but… who’s to say they’d like anyone else I was to date, either?”
“That’s true. It’s definitely a complicated situation. I know your brother isn’t too happy about it.”
“Of course he isn’t. He’ll probably come around, though. He doesn’t have the longest attention span. He’ll be on to the next thing, if he isn’t already, and when he needs something from me, I’m sure that I’ll be hearing from him.”
We sat outside a while longer, as the sun disappeared below the horizon and twilight descended. We brought our plates inside and Lena stood at the kitchen sink, washing them off with warm, soapy water. I wiped the counters down and put the olive oil away. This was nice. It was such a simple, low-key evening, but it filled my heart with joy. I had to believe that if my family knew how I felt, they would be okay with this relationship.
When she had put the plates in the strainer, she wiped her hands on a dish towel and then turned to face me. I went right over to her, put my hands on her shoulders.
“Hey,” I said. She looked up at me and took a step closer, the length of our bodies touching, but just barely. “I don’t want you to feel guilty about any of this stuff with my family, okay? Because I am happier with you than I’ve ever been with anyone. I really am. And… and I’m just going to say this, because I want to, and because I mean it. I love you.” The words seemed to hang in the air for a moment; I could tell she was surprised. I hadn’t been planning to say that, though I also hadn’t been planning to not say it, either. The fact was, I did love her. And so it seemed the right thing to say. Of course I hoped the feeling would be reciprocated, but even if she wasn’t quite there yet, it wouldn’t change how I felt.
But a tiny smile touched the corners of her mouth, and that smile grew bigger as she looked up at me.
“I love you, too,” she said.
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Chapter 15
Lena
I knew it was way too soon to ask, but it was something that I’d been thinking about a lot the past few days—Shep moving in. He was over at my place more often than not, although there were still some nights—such as tonight—when he would be at the gym late and then just go back to his own place. And if that was what he wanted to do, then I wanted him to do it, but there was also a part of me that knew I’d be totally fine if he wanted to come back over to my place, even if it was so late that I was already in bed. I liked waking up next to him in the morning, or knowing that he was next to me as we slept. We had said I love you, and we both meant it. It seemed like the natural progression of things.
But there was a part of me that wasn’t sure. So when my sister called as I was leaving the office for the day, I picked up as I was walking to the bus station to wait for the 2 Clement, and I asked her what she thought an appropriate timeline might be.
“Oh, wow,” she said. “You’re really thinking about moving in with him? Lena, this is incredible. Things must be going really well. I know you wouldn’t bring this up if you weren’t serious about it.”
“It’s just been something that I’ve been thinking about,” I said. “But… you’re right. Things are going really well. Like, really well.”
Jenn laughed. “I can tell! I can hear it in your voice. Oh, I’m so happy for you! This is such wonderful news. Gary will be so excited, too!”
“Yes, be sure to tell Gary right away—I bet he’s just dying to know the status of my love life.” But even that I couldn’t be too irked about.
“When are we going to do a double date?” Jenn said. “I mean, I can’t believe that I’m giving you advice about a guy I’ve never even met!”
“Soon,” I said. “I’ll talk to him about it next time I see him. I know he’d love to meet you, too.” I started to mention what Shep was going through with his own family, but then I stopped. I didn’t want to bring all that up now. The whole situation was a little hard for me to believe. Did his family really dislike me that much? That they were willing to not have anything to do with him? At first, it had made me feel like there was something wrong with me, or that I had done something terrible to offend them. But I knew that wasn’t really the case, and now that some time had passed and Shep still hadn’t gotten in touch with them, I could see with my own two eyes that this had actually been a good decision for him. Sometimes, family, despite what they might claim, did not actually have your best interest at heart.
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