Once we were back on the road and I could feel the miles beginning to separate us, my shoulders relaxed a little and my chest loosened. There was an ache in my throat, but I didn’t think I was going to cry; I wasn’t quite sure exactly how I felt.
“You okay?” Drew said, glancing at me sidelong. “That was some pretty heavy shit he just laid on you in there.”
“I sure as hell wasn’t expecting that,” I said. “But he basically told me he is responsible for killing my parents because my uncle told him to. Because they wanted to get away from him.”
I bit my lip, an ache in my throat. I wasn’t about to cry, but I did feel a huge sadness welling up inside of me. The memories I had of my parents were fragmented at best. I had never felt I could be truly open with them about how much I hated living there, being a part of this tight-knit religious community, but I had always known that they had loved me. And apparently, they had been willing to risk all of that to try to get me out of there. But Joshua had thwarted it.
“I hate that he’s dead,” I said. “My uncle. It seems like he got off too easily. If he wasn’t dead, I’d kill him myself.”
Drew glanced at me. “Would you?”
“Probably. I don’t know; I don’t know if I could actually murder someone. But I’d at least like to hurt him, badly, for all the terrible shit he’s done.” I turned my head and watched the scenery rush by in a blur. Grace had no idea, I was sure of it. And I probably shouldn’t say anything to her about it—what was the point? It would only upset her, and it wouldn’t change anything. There was always a part of her that would love Joshua, that would be loyal to him, and I didn’t want to divulge information to her that would make her wonder if she had really done the right thing standing by him all these years.
“I’m not going to mention this to my aunt,” I said. “To Grace.”
“That’s probably not a bad idea. It doesn’t seem like anything she really needs to know. I’m not even sure if it was something you needed to know.”
“Really? You think it would have been better if I’d just kept on believing that it was really this accident?”
Drew drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “This whole thing has really messed with my head,” he said. “All of it. To the point I don’t even know what I think anymore. We’re always being told that the truth is best, that the truth will set you free, all that bullshit. But will it? Do you feel any freer now that you know the truth about what happened to your parents? Am I going to feel any freer if by some snowball’s chance in hell I find out what happened to Ashleigh?”
“I don’t know if I feel better,” I said. “I actually don’t feel better; I feel more agitated, but in the sense that I know what the truth is, and that I have an even clearer picture of what a dickhead my uncle is—I am glad I know that. I am.”
But I could understand where Drew was coming from. It was kind of messing with my head, too.
We drove for a while and then stopped at a little park with a nice, gently sloping field and some benches.
“It’s time you tried a little yoga,” I said to Drew.
“Yoga?” he repeated, unable to hide the skepticism in his voice. “Right now? Here?”
“That’s the great thing about yoga—you can do it anywhere. You don’t need a studio or any special props or even a mat. This grass will work perfectly.”
I needed to stretch, needed to work out some of the built-up energy that was collecting in my muscles, making my back tight, my neck hurt. Drew probably had some aches and pains that he could stand to get rid of, too, but the skeptical look didn’t leave his face as we got out of the car and walked a bit into the field. The grass was actually quite nice; it had recently been cut and it was thick and lush and more like a carpet. But I would’ve done yoga in mud or on the pavement if that had been my only choice. Further in the distance I could see a couple walking their dog, but other than that, we were the only people here.
“Am I going to end up falling in dog shit or something?” Drew asked.
I scanned the area. “I don’t see any.”
“So... are you going to show me what to do? I’m not really that familiar with any yoga poses. I’m also not that flexible, either.”
I smiled. “I vaguely remember you mentioning that before. Don’t worry; I’ll take it easy on you.”
Chapter 21
Drew
I actually felt pretty damn good after that impromptu yoga session in the park. Yes, I’d felt a little self-conscious at first, and I knew I sure as hell wasn’t making the poses look as good as Gwen did, but when we were finished, my entire body felt different in a way that I hadn’t ever felt before. The tightness in my mid-back had abated, my hamstrings didn’t feel so tight, my neck was no longer sore. All because of yoga? Not too bad.
Afterward, we drove to Mendocino, which wasn’t far from where Sebastian lived. I’d gotten in touch with him through Parker Security’s Facebook page and he had gotten back to me to say he was out of town and wouldn’t be back until late tonight, but he could meet up with us tomorrow morning. I figured we could hang out up here in this picturesque little artists’ village right on the coast for the rest of the day. Gwen was trying to keep it cool, but I could tell she was really thrown off by what Skip had told her.
The whole conversation had surprised me, too. The more I learned about Joshua, the more I wished he hadn’t died and I could meet him in person and give him the sort of beating he deserved.
We lucked out and there happened to be a vacancy at this nice boutique hotel right downtown. They required a minimum stay of two nights, which I wasn’t planning on but I figured so long as it was paid for, they wouldn’t care and we could leave after the first night.
“Are you sure you want to stay here?” Gwen asked, looking around at the marble floors and the chandelier. “This place is so fancy.”
“I think you deserve a good night’s sleep,” I said. “And maybe a little bit of relaxation after today. You probably need to digest all that information that Skip just told you.”
“I mean, yes, but also no. Part of me just doesn’t even want to think about it. Because what is it going to do? It’s not going to change anything. Skip’s right, in a way: you can’t go back in time, you can’t alter the past—so what’s the point? I don’t want to think about Skip doing that, or Joshua telling him to do it. It’s not going to change the fact that my parents are dead.”
I understood where she was coming from. That was probably similar to how Jason felt, actually—that there was no point in him trying to find answers, because it wasn’t going to change the fact that Ryan was dead. And if you weren’t going to be able to change the outcome, who cared what the details were, leading up to it?
But those sorts of things did matter to me, and Ashleigh wasn’t dead—at least that I knew of. And if she was, I wanted to find out. I wanted to know.
***
We drove down to Point Arena the next morning, after having survived another platonic night of bed-sharing. Sebastian had been one of Ashleigh and Ryan’s good friends, and I realized now, looking back, that he and Ryan were probably an item. This realization was only further bolstered by seeing Sebastian in person again—his perfectly styled hair, his groomed attire, the obvious care he took of both himself and his home.
“Well, here I am,” he said. “Welcome to my humble abode. Oh, my God, Drew, I really can’t believe that it’s you.”
He held his arms out and we hugged, and then I introduced him to Gwen and he hugged her, too.
“So nice to meet you, sweetie! I always wondered who the lucky girl would be who finally got Drew Parker to settle down. Now, I know you’re probably wondering what the hell someone like me is doing in a little tiny town like this. I know I wondered that at first, too. But it actually suits me quite well. The solitude. I do miss the city life, but I visit when I can.”
“It’s beautiful up here,” Gwen said. “And your house is so cute.”
“Tha
nk you, love. It was my grandmother’s. She died and left it for me. Quite a surprise. I thought I was going to sell it, but I stayed up here for a week and decided that I actually really liked it. And here I am, three years on. But enough about me—what brings you two up this way? It was so out of the blue to hear from you, Drew. Come on—why don’t we go sit out on the deck.”
We went out and made small talk for a little while, which, with someone like Sebastian, didn’t entirely feel like small talk. He was funny and he listened intently when we talked, asked us questions, seemed genuinely interested in what was going on in our lives, which I did find refreshing. So many people were only interested in talking about themselves, in getting the spotlight back on them.
“Now, I am never one to turn down the chance to host visitors,” Sebastian said, “but I have a feeling that there’s something more going on here. That this is more than just a friendly visit.”
“You’re right,” I said. “Though I’m enjoying myself here more than I’ve enjoyed the last few places we’ve been.”
Sebastian put a hand to his chest. “I’m flattered.”
I told him about the journal, about how I’d met Gwen, about what we were doing. How I had truly believed that Ryan and Ashleigh had been a couple, and a happy one at that. That it had actually kind of shocked me at the time to hear that Ryan was gay. “So, Ryan and Ashleigh were never going out,” I said. “And I’m just really realizing that now. Right?”
Sebastian tried to hide his smile. “Oh, honey,” he said. “I always wondered how it was that no one picked up on that. I mean, it was so obvious.”
“I don’t understand, then. Why did they tell everyone that they were together?”
He pursed his lips and looked up at the ceiling, as if he was going to find the answer to my question there. “I don’t feel comfortable speaking for either of them. It’s not my story to tell.”
“Well, seeing as Ryan’s dead, he’s not going to be telling his side of the story anytime soon. And I would truly appreciate any light that you are able to shed. It would help me understand. I just... I don’t get it. It’s not like we would’ve treated Ryan any differently if we knew he was gay. We’re not like that.”
“Maybe you’re not. But other people certainly are.”
“Yeah, I know there’s plenty of close-minded assholes out there, but Jason isn’t like that. And, hell, even their dad—he probably wouldn’t have been psyched about it, but it’s not like he would’ve disowned him or something. I’m just trying to put the pieces together here, is all. I’m not asking for you to speak for anyone, but just to help me understand.”
“I don’t really understand it myself. I don’t. Trust me, Drew, you’re not the only person who’s spent a lot of time trying to figure out just what happened, and why shit had to happen the way it did. I know you and Jason were close, and you knew Ryan, but you didn’t know him the way I did. You didn’t lose a best friend when he killed himself.”
I could see that Sebastian was getting upset. Gwen reached over and took his hand.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry that we came here and are bringing up these painful memories. You were in a relationship with him, weren’t you?”
“Yes,” he said, wiping at his eyes. “Pardon me. It is still painful after all these years. Death is just... there’s no coming back from that. I’ll never see Ryan again. And it still hurts, even though I’ve moved on.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I really am.” I still couldn’t understand, though, why Ryan and Ashleigh would say they were together. It wasn’t like we grew up in the 1950s or something, when that sort of thing was kept a secret. It wasn’t like Ryan had lived in some close-minded little hick town, either.
Sebastian took a deep breath. “I know you’re just looking for answers, Drew. And you’re right—Ryan can’t give you any answers. So I’ll tell you what I can. You have to understand, many gay relationships are not like your typical hetero relationship. Not to say that there are no gay men out there who can’t be monogamous, but it’s certainly not the norm, especially when you’re young. So, Ryan and I were in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean we weren’t seeing other people, too. Ryan and Ashleigh, they had a sort of pact, something they’d come up with in high school.”
“A pact?”
“Yes. They were best friends—right? They would’ve made the perfect couple if they’d both been straight. And so, they decided that if they weren’t with anyone when they got older, they’d get married and still be able to sleep with other people, but they’d live together and, you know, basically be in a relationship, except for the sex part.”
That sounded completely ridiculous, but then again, Ashleigh was known for her wacky ideas. “Okay,” I said slowly. “That’s all well and good, but they never mentioned anything like that to me.”
“Do you think they told you everything?”
“No, but... this is just a rather large deception and I’m still not really following the reason why. I just think that Ashleigh would have mentioned something.”
“Ash met someone. I never met him. But she had to sneak around if she wanted to see him. Ryan was pretty secretive about the whole thing, which was unusual for him, but I respected his wishes and didn’t try to pry more details out of him. When he told me that he and Ashleigh were going to pretend to be a couple, I laughed at first, because I didn’t think there was any way in hell they could pull it off, but they did. They had everyone fooled, even though they never actually hooked up.”
“They held hands though.” I knew I had seen this before. I had definitely seen them holding hands. But I couldn’t recall seeing them do anything else, like kiss or anything.
“Who doesn’t hold hands?” Sebastian asked. “You’ve probably held hands with your grandma before; that doesn’t mean you two are in some sort of romantic relationship. I mean, did you even know Ryan?”
“Of course I knew him.”
“And you can sit there and tell me with a straight face—pun intended—that you honestly thought he was going out with your sister? With any woman?”
Yes, I had thought that, though saying so to Sebastian would be completely unacceptable, I could see now, and would probably get me laughed right out of the house.
“I never gave it much thought,” I said. “I wasn’t trying to judge him like that. They said they were a couple. I didn’t have any reason to sit around dissecting their relationship. Why would I analyze that? I thought they were both being honest. They seemed happy. They were always hanging out. Why would I question that?”
“Was the guy’s name Brandon?” Gwen asked suddenly. “The guy that Ashleigh had to sneak around with?”
“Brandon? That’s not a name I remember hearing. But like I said, they were always rather secretive about the whole thing, despite me wanting to know every detail. They did go to Cape Cod one summer. Provincetown. Said it was basically San Francisco East but cuter, and fewer homeless people.”
“They as in Ryan, Ashleigh, and Brandon?” I said, trying to recall if Ashleigh had ever mentioned going there.
“Yes. Well, yes to the mystery man; I don’t know if it was Brandon or not. And, you have to remember, this was a while ago, before the age of social media, so no one was blowing up their page with photos of the three of them on some beach. There might be photos somewhere, but they’d be the old-school kind.”
“But wait a minute,” I said, frowning. “Something doesn’t make sense here. If Ashleigh and Ryan weren’t a couple, why did he kill himself? I thought he did that because Ashleigh had disappeared.”
Sebastian gazed at me without saying anything for so long that I began to feel a little unnerved. Still, I wasn’t the sort of person to look away first, so I didn’t, but it was like he couldn’t believe that I was asking such a stupid question.
“Listen,” he finally said. “Ryan and I were close, yes. He was like a brother to me. But that doesn’t mean I knew every single detail about his lif
e, every reason that he did something. He was seeing someone, too, but that was even more of a mystery. And trust me, sweetie, at the time it was absolutely eating me up that I was being kept in the dark with all this stuff. It really was. But I’ve learned that you don’t need to know every last detail about someone’s life, and that we all have secrets. Some more serious than others. It has bothered me more than you will ever know that he killed himself, and of course I can’t help but look back and wonder if there was something I could’ve done, something I could’ve said, that would’ve changed the outcome. He didn’t tell me why he did it, but I can take a pretty good guess.”
“Which would be...?”
“His life was completely upended when this whole thing with Ashleigh happened. He was a suspect. He was questioned by investigators. They wanted alibis; they wanted details. He’d go out and people would recognize him, would look at him and wonder if the truth would eventually come out and we’d find out that he really did have something to do with it. Do you have any idea what that would be like? To know that some people in your own circle are questioning you? Wondering if you had something to do with it? And the thing is... he did lie to the police.
“Wait—what?” I said. “Why would he do that? If he was innocent, why would he lie?”
“Like I said, he didn’t divulge every thought to cross his mind. All I know is that he told the police he didn’t know where Ashleigh was. That the last time he saw her was when he walked her home one morning after they went out and got breakfast. Now, maybe that part is true. But I am fairly certain that Ryan knew she was leaving with her mystery man, which he could have told the police. He didn’t have to give them details as to where they were going, but he could’ve at least let them know that she was alive. But he didn’t do that.”
And then it was like I was back at that time, that insane period of my life where everything had felt so combustible, so tenuous; I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t focus, kept thinking that I was going to get the call at any moment that Ashleigh’s body had just been dredged from the Bay, or found in a ravine, or buried in the back of some deranged lunatic’s farm somewhere. Those had been the early days, and I could remember Ryan being around sometimes, looking as bewildered as I felt. We had interacted. We had talked to each other, consoled each other. Yet the whole time… he knew? He knew where she was? He knew that she was still alive? And he hadn’t said anything? That was hard to wrap my mind around.
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