“I hear you. I had the fairy-tale version in my mind, too.”
“It’s just... I guess I just feel hurt that he didn’t care that him leaving like that would really affect me, and not in a good way. And I can see now that it would’ve been completely feasible for him to get in touch with me. But he chose not to because they had to forget about their families. I mean, what the hell even is that sort of thinking?”
“I don’t know. It is pretty messed up. But... they’re allowed to think what they want, aren’t they? We can’t change them. And I think it seems like they want to have a relationship with us now. And they have those kids, and they’re already not that little. So I think it makes sense if we just go along with what they want and say that we’re old friends or exchange students or... whatever! I don’t really care. I’m not saying that we’re going to be moving out here and buying a house next door. But I do think we should keep in touch now.”
“Of course I think that, too. I just need a little time for this anger to die down.”
“That’s one of the things I like about you,” Drew said. “You’re a feisty one, all right. Honestly, Gwen, seeing as we haven’t known each other all that long, this might be really stupid of me to say, but regardless of what happens with Ashleigh and Brandon, whether this is the start of some great new relationship or we never see them again after this, I’m glad it happened this way—because I got to meet you. And that really has made my life better in so many ways.”
He was actually blushing a little as he said it, and it felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. That was not something he would normally say out loud, I knew, yet here he was, actually telling me. I got up from my spot on the log and sat in his lap, cupping his face between my hands and kissing him, long and slow, as he wrapped his arms around me and traced his fingertips down my spine.
“I feel the same way about you,” I whispered. I nibbled at his earlobe. “Ever done it on a log?”
Chapter 29
Drew
I sat on a lounge chair in Ashleigh and Brandon’s backyard, a little sore from my escapades earlier with Gwen, but it had been well worth any scratches or scrapes I might have incurred. I had just been kicking a soccer ball around with Luca and Hazel, but had decided to take a break for a few minutes—it really was amazing the sheer amount of energy kids seemed to have in endless supply. I had figured they would continue playing until I decided to rejoin them, but instead they followed me to the chair and watched as I took a sip of the Corona I’d opened but hadn’t yet had a sip of because they’d asked me if I wanted to play before I’d had the chance. Now, they lounged at my feet and asked what was the coolest thing I could do.
“Coolest thing I can do?” I asked, stalling. I’d done a few cool things in my day—nothing that I really wanted to share with children, though. I mean, the past few hours with Gwen had been pretty fucking cool, but I had a feeling our visit would be over real quick if I began to disclose any of that. “Um, well, let’s see... I have burped the alphabet before.”
“No way!” Luca scoffed.
“The whole alphabet? Wow!” Hazel looked at me, eyes wide, not bothering to hide her clear admiration for such a skill.
Luca did not appear as convinced. “The whole thing?” he said. “Without stopping?”
“It’s been a while since I last tried it,” I admitted. “And I’d had a lot more beers at the time...” I paused, realizing that was probably not the right thing to be telling an eight-year-old. Oops. “I mean... I don’t know if it’s something I’d be able to try to do right now.”
Both kids looked disappointed, which immediately made me feel bad and like I should at least give it a try. But Ashleigh and Brandon were both sitting there, as if they weren’t sure I wasn’t going to slip up and say a swear word or something else that I shouldn’t in front of the kids—which made sense; I had about zero experience with children. I had always figured, though, talk to kids like you’d talk to anyone. It wasn’t like they weren’t people too.
We’d gone over to Ashleigh and Brandon’s place after our rendezvous in the woods. Most unexpected, but, shit—could I remember ever feeling more exhilarated, more alive? I hadn’t felt this good in years, which was at odds with the fact that these feelings were simultaneously occurring while I was reuniting with my long-lost sister after all this time. All that emotional energy had really been a clusterfuck inside of me, and having sex like that had helped release some of it. Which sounded a little New Agey, if I was completely honest, but it was the truth.
And it would seem that it had worked like that on Gwen, too, that it had helped get rid of some of her negative feelings, because when we’d got back in the car, she’d said she wanted to get in touch with Ashleigh and Brandon, and would like to see them again.
So, after a few text messages back and forth, we found ourselves in the backyard of their attractive, saltbox-style home set on one acre of flat, woodsy terrain. It was a real nice place: the road hidden from view by a line of towering cedar trees, a big garden in the front, then their modest front lawn, the house. There was a treehouse and a zip line, a gardening shed, a detached, oversized two-car garage with a loft. I’d caught a glimpse inside the garage as we’d followed them into the house and had spotted a ridiculously large Snap-on toolbox, on wheels, taking up nearly the entire back wall. Jesus. It was like their own little secluded paradise back here.
Things didn’t feel nearly as awkward as they had at the park, though—a drop of beer definitely helping with that. It was some high-test pale ale from a local brewery, and it was damn good, but I would have happily drunk a can or two of PBR, too, if that was all they had.
I liked Brandon; he was the chill, laid-back, kind sort of person I would’ve been happy to see Ashleigh get involved with. And the fact they’d been together for this long and had the kids and evidently still managed to enjoy each other even now that they were parents together—that made me feel good. It also made me realize there was really no point in holding on to the past—the only thing that seemed to happen when I did that was I felt upset. Did I want to feel upset? No. So, I could choose to move on from here, just be happy that Ashleigh was once again back in my life, and it wasn’t just her—it was her husband, who seemed like a genuinely nice guy, and their kids, who were quite awesome.
“I’ve never heard him burp the full alphabet either,” Gwen said, looking at Luca. “I’m with you there, being a little skeptical.”
“Doubters!” I exclaimed. “How can you have such little faith in my abilities?”
“Drew is good at a lot of things,” Ashleigh said. “And I do, as a matter of fact, happen to know that he can burp the full alphabet, because I did witness it. A long time ago, but unfortunately it’s one of those things that’s been etched into my brain.”
“I’m not sure I remember the time you’re thinking of,” I said, frowning as I tried to think back to when she might be referring to.
“See, Drew used to be in all these bands, and he’d be up on stage—and he never sang or did backup vocals or anything, but he had a great stage presence and everyone would want him to come up to the front of the stage and engage with them.”
As she continued to talk, the memory slowly began to solidify in my mind, the night she was remembering. We were still in high school and it was a show at the Legion Hall, an all-ages punk show with some decent bands from Berkeley and San Jose. I’d had quite a bit of PBR that night, in fact, and I somehow, between songs, found myself standing at the mic, staring out at the faceless crowd, the storm of bodies thrashing in the mosh pit.
“Say something!” someone in the crowd had yelled, and it had seemed as if everyone in the whole place heard this and agreed; people had clapped and cheered, and some had screamed other things, obscenities, but it was all very good-natured.
“So, he takes a big gulp of his... drink,” Ashleigh told Gwen, catching herself before she said beer, “and he burps the entire alphabet. Into a microphone. O
n stage. In front of a whole crowd of people.”
That part of the night I do remember rather well, but then the other parts are kind of hazy. I did have a lot to drink that night, but that was all just part of the fun, part of what everyone was doing.
More important than the actual memory, though, was the fact that we could all sit here and reminisce like this, laugh about it. It felt completely normal, natural, like it was just what we were supposed to be doing. Like we were old friends and had stopped by for a visit.
***
At some point during the afternoon, I went into the kitchen to get some water and found Ashleigh there, rummaging through the refrigerator. It was just the two of us; everyone else was still out in the backyard.
“Hi,” she said when she turned and saw me. She nudged the fridge door shut with her foot and then just looked at me for a moment, shaking her head.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said with a smile. “It’s just... I just can’t believe that you’re really here, that you’re standing here in my kitchen. I never thought this day would happen.”
“It almost didn’t. I mean, it wouldn’t have, if Gwen hadn’t found that journal.”
“Yeah,” Ashleigh said. “Tell me more about this journal.”
“I’ve got it. I’ll give it back to you. It’s your journal. Gwen found it in Joshua’s closet.”
Ashleigh frowned, and then a look of recognition dawned on her face. “The purple journal?” she said. “She found that?”
“Yes. The one which you’d inscribed on the inside cover to contact me if Joshua had your journal. A little cryptic. But not surprising.”
“Jesus.” She shook her head. “All that drama from so many years ago. I can barely even remember it.”
“Do you remember pretending to be going out with Ryan?” There was a part of me that thought I just shouldn’t even go here—hadn’t I decided to move on past all of that? I had, but I was genuinely curious. Even being reunited like this did not answer all the questions.
“Of course I do.”
“Why did you guys do that? Why not just be honest?”
“I don’t think you completely understand what Brandon’s father was like. We used to think our dad was bad because he didn’t want us dyeing our hair or going to punk shows! Brandon’s father just wanted to use him for his own... purposes, I guess you could call it. He was the leader of a cult, Drew. A seriously fucked-up cult. I don’t know how much Gwen has told you about it, but it’s really messed up.”
“Well, she got away as soon as she could, so I think that probably tells me all I need to know.”
Ashleigh smiled. “I like her. You two are a good pair.”
I returned her smile, pleased to hear it, but I also wasn’t ready to let my sister off the hook so easily.
“I don’t understand why Ryan went along with all of this, though. What was in it for him?”
She gave me a level look, brushed a long strand of hair back from her face. Strange to see her with regular hair—I realized now that it would have been ridiculous for all these years to have passed and for me to have found her with a blue Mohawk, but somehow that was sort of what I’d been expecting.
“Do people always need to be getting something? Is that the only reason why people do things for each other, because of what they’re going to get out of it?”
Was this a rhetorical question? “Yes,” I said. “No. Maybe. I don’t know. You’re telling me that Ryan did this because you asked him to?” I could maybe understand that—he and Ashleigh had been very close. Like best friends. And yeah, you want to do what you can for your best friend. That I could understand. But what still didn’t make sense was why Ryan would kill himself. “Why did he kill himself, then? Just because you left?”
I could see from the look on her face that this conversation was upsetting, that this was the last thing she wanted to be talking about, especially considering how nice of a time everyone had just been having. I didn’t need her to give me a play-by-play or every single detail, but I needed something, even if it was for her to tell me that she didn’t know. I had a feeling she did, though. I had a feeling that she might not know exactly what had been going through Ryan’s mind when he did it, but she could hazard a few guesses.
“I’ve wondered,” I said. “A lot of people have. I mean, you do understand that we and a lot of other people were really worried about you guys. And then pretty messed up over what Ryan did, whatever his reason was. I’m not judging. But... I just know how much time I’ve spent trying to understand what the hell happened, and I really haven’t been able to come to any conclusions.”
There was almost a pleading note in my voice, which I was certain Ashleigh noticed. How could she not? We had grown up together. There had been a point in our lives when we saw each other every day, when she was this annoying little sister whom I tolerated—but she was also funny and a daredevil in her own right, just being herself, not trying to impress everyone, like some of the other people in our group had been like. No, Ashleigh had been like a friend to me, too—not just a sister. And after all that had happened, I needed to be able to have a little more insight. Even the tiniest bit would help.
“Ryan,” she said slowly, “was also seeing someone he shouldn’t have been seeing. Someone who did not, under any circumstances, want his identity—or his sexual preference—to be revealed. So it just made sense to do this. For both of us.” She leaned against the counter and folded her arms across her chest. “He was getting something out of it, too.”
“Who?”
“It doesn’t matter who.”
“I know, but still. Who was it? A guy?”
“Yes, of course it was a guy.”
“Someone I know?”
“I’m not going to tell you who—I promised Ryan that I would never tell anyone, and I’m not going to break that promise. Especially because it doesn’t matter—it’s not going to change a single thing.”
“Fine,” I said. “You’re right—that part doesn’t matter. But I still don’t get it. Why did Ryan have to keep his relationship a secret? You’re not going to expect me to believe that you were both with someone who had a parent in a religious cult or something, are you?”
She snorted. “That is not even remotely close to accurate. No, the person he was with was married and has children. Not someone whom anyone had an inkling was gay. Sometimes I even wondered if he knew this himself. Like, really knew it about himself, the way Ryan did. He’s someone of prominence, so I think that was maybe why it was so hard for him to be honest with himself about who he truly was. They really loved each other. Ryan would have done anything for him.”
I was having a hard time keeping everything straight, even though it seemed like it should’ve been fairly clear-cut: they were both involved with people who couldn’t broadcast the relationship, for one reason or another.
“And when Brandon and I left,” Ashleigh continued, “and Ryan found himself under investigation, he gave the police this person’s name. Because he was his alibi. And because he thought a serious situation like that, which involved the police wanting him to account for his whereabouts, would be a valid reason to reveal who this person was. And this person did admit to the police that he and Ryan were together, because it was true, because he knew that if he told the police they hadn’t been together, Ryan would likely be in a great amount of trouble. But then, after the police were done talking to him, he broke things off; he felt like he was going to be found out. And it was just too much for Ryan to take, all that loss at once. Because I wasn’t around anymore, either—and maybe you or even Jason didn’t know this about Ryan, but he did struggle with depression sometimes. It wasn’t something that he wanted to talk about, so most people didn’t have a clue, especially because he was so good at putting on an act. Don’t think for one second, though, that you’re the only person who has felt torn up about this whole thing. I know that Brandon and I were the ones who left, but w
e had our reasons, and no one was expecting the sort of fallout that resulted.”
“Really?” I said, unable to keep the surprise from my voice. “You guys just thought you’d be able to leave and everyone would be cool with it?”
“No, of course not. But I certainly didn’t expect that anyone would die. If I had known that this was going to happen with Ryan, then... I don’t know.” She shrugged. “It wasn’t an easy situation to be in. I’m not sure what we would’ve done. Maybe taken him with us? But he didn’t want to leave the person he was with. They were still together at that point.”
“It just seems... I don’t know, it seems kind of crazy that he would want to be with someone who insisted they keep it a secret. That’s kind of bullshit, actually.”
“You can’t help who you fall in love with. Even if you know better. Ryan was sensitive. He loved this person, and, to be honest, I know this person loved him, too. He was just at a different point in his life, and he felt as if he couldn’t be honest about who he really was.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You’re really not going to tell me who it is?”
“I’m really not. Because it doesn’t matter.”
“But it was someone whose reputation would’ve been mangled if they knew he was gay?”
“Yes.”
“He must be a politician, then. Or a priest.”
“I already told you, Drew, I’m not going to tell you who it is. But... one of what you just said is the correct answer. And that’s the best you’re going to get from me.”
“Shit. Well, I guess some things are just going to remain a mystery, then, huh?”
“It’s really not going to change anything, you knowing or not.”
Eventually, we returned to the backyard, and I tried to put the whole conversation out of my mind. The kids wanted to play that cornhole game, which was a good distraction, and then Brandon got the grill going, which was another good distraction, particularly because I was getting hungry. But the whole time, in the back of my mind, was the disbelief over how much shit this had caused, the simple fact that my sister had met a guy she liked and decided she would be with him, no matter the cost. Not everyone would take that gamble, would risk everything the way she had. The way they both had. But it had worked out—they were still together, they had two great kids, and they seemed completely happy and in sync with each other. They had, by all accounts, gotten their fairy-tale ending.
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