by Marata Eros
I look at my own bitten fingernails and put my elegant hands with their stubby tips on my lap.
Arlene takes our order and saunters away, no doubt chalking up our goofiness to our age. I’m not goofy, but it’s part of her charm I siphon.
“So tell me what’s going down, girl,” she says without preamble. Now that she’s here I don’t know if I can say it all.
My hands sweat, and I fight to keep them on my lap. Arlene comes over and slaps two waters on the table. Her eyes flick to mine briefly, see something that makes her pause, but she must think better about getting involved because she leaves us to our conversation.
Kiki knows I owe money for my mom’s care. I take a deep breath then another. I meet her eyes. “It’s fifty K, Kiki.”
Her eyes bug comically, and her hand flies to her chest. “Jeee-sus! Faren…” she exhales in a contrite burst.
We stare at each other while Arlene delivers our coffees. She looks from Kiki to me, probably wondering what stole my friend’s good cheer. One guess.
She leaves and Kiki leans forward, her hair sweeping in a black veil that brushes dangerously close to the steaming coffee. I calmly add cream and sugar, making it something that’s not coffee anymore. She searches my face for the Swiss cheese of emotions leaking out and I nod. “Yeah, it’s that bad,” I say.
She gives a low moan of outrage. “That bad? So fucking bad!” Kiki hisses. “No wonder you finally caved about shaking your tail.”
My shoulders slump a little at her words. An image of Ty’s hand on my wrist like a vise bubbles up. I let it pop inside my mind, hoping it’ll evaporate and knowing it won’t.
“How long will it take me to work off that debt?”
Kiki’s face smoothed out, her thinking face set into motion and I can tell she’s adding stuff up. “Well… to be honest, most good nights you can make up to five hundred…”
We’re doing the math, and I’m hearing years. My soul can’t take it. The pole and the men… it’s already eating at me. Then there’s Ty. I want months. Hell, weeks.
A moment around him is a lifetime.
Kiki reads my face and sighs. She lowers her eyes and stirs her coffee. “I wasn’t going to tell you, but there’s another option. It’s kinda risky. It’s not like the Black Rose.”
“What could be worse than dancing at the Black Rose?”
Kiki sighs. “Listen, BR is the classiest of these types of establishments. The men have to behave themselves, not touch the girls and you don’t have to show your kitty.”
I’m so grateful. I give her an exaggerated eye roll. “What about Ty? He’s like some kind of pimp!”
Kiki rolls her big eyes, her false eyelashes nearly reaching her brows. “Ty is Ty. He’s great at sniffing out innocent girls, and he thinks you’re skittish. He wants to scare you a little. No big thing.” Her eyes meet mine. “Listen, he’s all bark. Don’t let him spook you.”
Right. I feel I’m a good judge of bark versus bite, but I say nothing.
The food comes, and I look at the chef’s salad with fresh salmon and wonder if I can eat it. My stomach’s in knots. I feel the beginning of a fresh headache come on. I rub my temple before taking a small bite.
Kiki grabs a greasy fry and swirls it in some ketchup while taking a sip of Coke. No burger. She lives on about a thousand calories per day. I don’t know how she stays alive, but she explains that she’s not doing drugs to stay thin like the other girls. The whole scene makes me want to cry.
Then I go visit Mom and go right back to the pole anyway.
Kiki dips another fry and meets my eyes. It hangs there like a limp noodle, dripping ketchup that reminds me of blood.
I swallow. “How long?”
She stares at me for a heartbeat then beheads the fry. She talks through the food, “What are you willing to do?”
Oh gawd… Nothing more. Instead, I say, “A lot.”
She nods, gives a sad little shake of her head, and tells me. There’s a cavernous silence as the last word drops out of her mouth. I know she hates herself for telling me.
I know she loves me more.
4
Decision made, we move on to different topics. I feel a weightlessness. It might not be a perfect path but at least I picked one. I’m back to telling Kiki about Ty.
“You met Him?” Kiki says in awe, utterly dismissing the true problem.
“Huh?” I ask, clearly hearing the capital letter in the pronoun.
“The owner! The hunky, delicious, panty-evaporating, very, very rich owner…”
I shrug. “He walked in, helped pick me up off the floor, while I was stuffing my dirty money in my handbag…”
“Did I mention rich?” Her perfectly plucked brows rise. “Did you see him?” Kiki’s eyes are wide for a different reason now.
I shake my head, trying not to let on how much he unnerved me. And I never even saw his face.
Kiki flings herself back in an indignant huff. Her angry eyes meet mine. “I’ve been dying to meet him! Meet him meet him, not just him seeing a set while his dude slips me a ginormous tip. I’d sample his wares any day!” She exhales and crosses her legs, looking out at the water. Steelhead Diner sits at the top of Pike Street. The wall of glass frames Puget Sound and the Olympic Mountains like a surreal painting of white ice and swirling deep cerulean waters.
“Why didn’t you check him out? I gotta admit, I’m fanning my vagina right now.” Kiki says it with such sincere enthusiasm that I laugh.
I look down at my hands and give the first response that springs to mind. “I don’t like rich guys.”
“Oh bullshittery! Yeah, I hate rich guys too! Hate.” She’s clearly mocking me, putting her index finger to her chin as her eyes rise skyward and her foot kicks endlessly. “Let’s reason this shit out, Faren.” Kiki drills me with her gaze.
I squirm, knowing her brand of wisdom is coming. I take a bite of my salad and mechanically chew.
“Nice house, nice car, nice clothes, hot cologne”—she lifts her brows—“lots o’ gym time for the guns. Hell!” She smacks the table, and a couple of other patrons gaze our way. “Hell,” she repeats more softly, “I bet that he goes to those Kama Sutra classes so he can fine-tune the Moves.”
Oh my God.
“Yeah… that’s what I’m talking about, baby. Give me some of that all-day love sauce. I’ll come running back to double dip.”
I can’t help it; I start laughing and can’t stop. Sometimes a little comic relief goes a long way.
“You gonna live?” Kiki asks, confused by my hysteria.
I nod.
“For now.” My ribs are killing me.
“Anyway, listen up.”
I do, the remnants of my laughter ghosting my lips.
“Next time he plays hero, try saying thank you.”
“I don’t think he knew he was saving me, Kiki.”
“Huh,” she grunts, slurping her Coke down to melting ice and pushing it away. “All I’m saying is, can you work it for once, Faren?”
Work it. I don’t know… that seems like it’s all I’ve ever done.
Kiki slides a card my way. It reads simply: Thorn. My thumb moves over the black glossy letters embedded deeply in the cream cardstock. Small numbers float beneath the name.
I look up and she says, “Take it.”
“Do you do it?”
Kiki smiles then admits, “Not anymore.”
I know her secret, and now she knows mine. All of it in its miserable glory. “That’s how you got the penthouse?”
“Yeah.” As she remembers something from a while ago, her gaze drifts far away. “The Black Rose is great money, but this money”—her eyes peg mine—“is outstanding money.” I pause when I see the shadow in her eyes.
Neither one of us say what we’re thinking. If I can keep this gig for maybe a year? Maybe less time if I can stomach four days per week instead of three? I could have my debt paid off and only have the monthly to consider. It’s too lofty a po
ssibility to hang my hope on.
Yet… it shimmers there, just out of reach.
I grab for it.
*
Thorn
Thorn is Ty.
I’m so forlorn about that fact I can barely force myself into his tight office located inside a tall skyscraper blocks from the Black Rose. Kiki didn’t tell me. Of course, I didn’t ask. All I heard was “a grand a night,” and I climbed on board the easy money train. I should rename it complicated with a capital C.
He behaves differently. I guess the stakes are higher. Intimidating me while I work at the BR seems to be just fine. Now?
He lays out the ground rules.
“You will get an email each Monday that outlines the new meeting place…”
“What? It’s not at a club?”
“Will you let me finish?” Thorn smolders at me and not in a sexy way. I’ve seen that look of heat before and it parallels intimidation.
He glares at me until my eyes drop. I breathe in and out deeply. I loathe him and how he makes me feel. How he makes me feel about my decisions.
“When the email comes in, you respond if you’ll be there.”
I meet his eyes again, and he smirks. Ty knows he has me. “Why are you Thorn?” I ask, taking him off-kilter with my question.
He answers with deliberate slowness, “Every rose has its thorns.”
Our eyes lock and he asks, “Ready?”
I nod.
“You get a hundred dollars a lap dance.” His eyes sweep past mine, and he recites the speech as if it’s a recipe for cookie dough. “The quicker you give the dance, the better you do it, the more money there is. The clients are not allowed to touch you, and you never have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.” He says the last part with the sincerity of a felon.
Our eyes meet again and I get the message.
Thorn’s into clarity.
He lists off the things you can make extra for. “Let them grope your titties-fifty dollars. Hand jobs, one hundred.”
I swallow. I think there’s a little throw up in my mouth. I don’t say I’ve never done a hand job. Thorn already called me whore, and there’s no convincing the decided. And really? It’s better that Thorn thinks I’m what he presumes I am. Thorn doesn’t know why I’m doing this. He doesn’t know my past, my present job. He’s guessing, and I’m all for keeping it that way. The less he knows is definitely more.
Those thoughts take seconds.
Thorn moves on, “There will be security. Not that it’s needed.” He flicks his eyes to mine and smirks. “We have trained gorillas outside all the stations. So the girls don’t have to worry.”
I squirm a little, thinking about how they’ll fire me on the first night. My temples pound with the familiar start of a migraine, and my hand closes around the crumbled card of Doctor Matthews inside my purse. My appointment next week looms in front of me and I don’t look at Thorn’s dark face, eyes that hate me, a body that wants me. I know someone’s got a tight leash on Thorn or he would have done more than proposition me and threat.
Who?
Jared McKenna? The elusive, semi-hero billionaire who happens to own the nicest strip club in Seattle?
I look at Ty, a.k.a. Thorn again, and wonder who could leash that pit bull.
“I’m not sure what to do…” If I don’t say something, he’ll hear about it from a pissed client. This isn’t working my sore muscles against a pole in front of men from a safe distance. It’s different.
Intimate.
Thorn grins, his white teeth an eery slash against his dark complexion. He strides over to where I stand, and I barely hold my ground, gritting my teeth.
He towers over me even though I’m 5‘9” in my stocking feet.
I pull away and he frowns, gripping me tighter. “Chill out, it’s a tutorial. I’m not going to rape you.”
Right. My body remembers and locks up, fights for air, for reason.
He looks at my face and gives a dark chuckle.
Thorn moves the swivel chair and sits down on it, slapping his lap once.
I die inside. If someone had told me I would be this close to Ty the creep manager, I would have laughed.
Not laughing now.
I gingerly lift one knee and place it on the outside of his thigh, his dark eyes watching as I do. The other knee follows, and I force myself to grip his shoulders for balance or I’ll fall against him.
I shiver, and he takes it for arousal instead of loathing.
Thorn grips my hips, and I hiss and try to pull away.
“That’s not going to work on the dudes we have coming to enjoy this body of yours.” He jerks my hips forward, and I feel his erection against my upper thigh.
“Move.”
I bite my lip to keep from screaming. I rub against him over and over. His hands move to cup my ass, and suddenly I’m not moving on my own. He’s shifting my body against his stiff penis. My breasts are safely encased inside a nude bra that brushes his face as the friction of our clothed coupling intensifies. Thorn pants and gives a whispered shout that’s somewhere between a hiss and a yell.
I feel sick as I climb off him, a wet patch at his crotch spreading to his muscular thighs.
I back away, shaking. The fine beginnings of a bruise blossom high on my thigh, and I shudder in revulsion.
I wrap my black trench coat around the underwear he insisted was all I wear underneath it.
Thorn asks softly, “Got it?”
I nod. I so have it.
And I never want it again.
I flee as though the devil’s at my back.
5
Monday
I watch the blinking cursor as it flashes above send. My finger hovers, my will along with it. I clench my eyes and tap the mouse with a decisive click. My RSVP floats into the ether to be received by Thorn or one of his lackeys.
Tonight’s my first night on the job. My new job.
One grand per night whispers through my head.
I’m exhausted. I worked a full day mending the wounds of others, forcing them toward wholeness. I paid for Mom’s care for the first time in cash. I pretended not to notice as the receptionist paused when she took the rolled up money.
Her eyes met mine. “Cash?”
I still have the receipt in my purse. I think I’ll frame it when this whole thing ends.
If it ever does.
I slowly walk to the “party room.” I know I’ve done all that I can to make myself desirable. Ty impresses on me the importance of the “mingle” period. These are men with tastes, he’d emphasized.
I walk in, my ice-blue dress barely covering my rear. Little strings that end in silver beads sway and tickle the tops of my thighs. They cup my ass as I move in four-inch stilettos. The neckline is so low the top of my belly button peeks in and out like a teasing divot.
The men turn as a new girl enters. I imagine their response is as instinctive as flowers turning their collective heads toward the sun. I know I’ve hit the mark when their conversation stops. Eyes greedily move over my form, missing nothing. Some eyes linger at my breasts, some my long legs, some caress the burnished gold of my hair under lights turned down so low they barely illuminate.
One man never looks at my body but my eyes. They’re worth a stare, hidden by a mask of small Swarovski crystals. Only the light gray of my irises show through the slits. My dark blonde lashes are hidden under deep chocolate mascara.
“Two hundred for twenty minutes,” he says. He has deep black hair, a strong jaw, and eyes that might be a greenish-hazel if there was more light.
Voices erupt, drowning his and I fluster, backing away.
My masked eyes meet security.
Just like Thorn promised, he interrupts the bidding frenzy with quietly spoken words. “Five hundred, and she’s yours for the virgin session.”
My eyes snap to his, thinking I’ve been discovered. But no, he simply means this is my first lap dance. Ever.
My shoulders drop, a
nd I relax a little.
The man who said two hundred dollars nods at the security guard. Another man, complete in a tux and tails, brings a ticket on a silver tray, his eyes moving over me once.
It’s enough.
I feel dirtier than when I arrived.
The man with coal black hair holds out his hand, and I slip mine inside his. It’s warm and dry.
Other girls’ faces meet mine as I slide behind a door bearing the number one. I don’t know who they are because they wear small masks as well.
It’s okay because I don’t know who I am anymore.
“I’m Jay,” he says as he loosens his tie.
I stand there stupidly.
He laughs and sits on a large chair. The plush burgundy faux suede hides a myriad of crimes.
Like the one I’ll commit.
“Come here,” he commands in a low voice, his eyes burning into mine.
I walk to him. The beads that made me feel sexy a half hour ago sting like many bugs biting my flesh as I move.
I stand in front of him, and he doesn’t touch me. He slowly unbuttons his shirt. Jay takes the loop of the tie over his head and tosses it aside. My eyes roam his muscular torso as he slowly unbuttons his shirt, his eyes never leaving mine. He does serious gym time.
I recognize the look of hard work instantly, my hand was not the only thing I rehabilitated.
I’m sore from my own workouts. A permabruise etched on the inside of the wrist of my bad hand testifies to my two weeks of pole dancing. But pain won’t end me. After what I’ve been through, physical pain is just another obstacle.
It’s the mental that’s killing me.
“Straddle me,” he says.
I mount him like I did Thorn, my upper thighs quaking. Is it horrible that because it’s not Thorn, that somehow it’s better?
Music creeps into the room from strategically placed speakers. My eyes flick to the side and note scattered tissue paper, lube, condoms, and a neat pile of sex toys in an antique porcelain box.
Glass.
Rubber.
I turn my face away, tears making me hold my eyes wide so they don’t fall.
Jay sets a fifty dollar bill on the end table next to the chair. A cut glass dish holds the bill perfectly. It twinkles in the low light while it holds filthy money.
