by Emma Nichols
Once he’d fallen back to sleep, I wiped away my tears and gathered up my clothes again. Regardless of my earlier decision to stay, it became clear I couldn’t. It was going to be far too painful. I dressed but decided to carry my shoes because my feet were aching and the last thing I wanted was to battle against the heels on the way down to my own room.
This time, I didn’t stop when I reached the door. I marched right on through without letting myself think about the implications.
“Maddy?”
I leaped in place and dropped my shoes as Jamie’s voice took me by surprise.
“Isn’t . . .” He glanced in the direction I’d come, and the corners of his eyes pinched. “Isn’t that Whitty’s room?”
My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. Because of Zach’s little idea—his game—I knew exactly what it must look like to Jamie. That he’d just caught me doing the walk of shame.
“You didn’t . . .” he trailed off, no doubt in response to the bright red color that was climbing my cheeks. “Didn’t you say you were married? I never took you for the cheating type.”
My shame burned hotter than ever. I bent to collect my shoes and gathered them up to my chest. “I never took you for a judgmental prick.” The words were free before I could stop myself from saying them. “I guess we were both wrong.”
His gaze shot to mine in a flash. “Madd—”
“Don’t.” I cut him off. “I can’t deal with this right now.”
I made a beeline for the elevator. When I caught sight of Jamie coming down the hall to follow me, I debated going for the stairs. Thankfully, the elevator doors slid open when he was still far enough way.
I jumped inside and pushed my floor button before jamming my finger against the button to close the door over and over.
Unfortunately, the elevator was old and slow. Jamie slid his hand between the doors before they’d snapped shut trapping me inside with him as we descended to my floor.
“What was that about?” he asked. “I’ve seen you snap before, but nothing like that.”
“Just don’t. Please?” I fought off my tears. This was the reason being with Zach was a bad idea. He had a way of wearing down all of my armor and leaving the raw nerves exposed.
“I’m just worried about you. We used to be friends too, didn’t we?”
There wasn’t any lie in his words. I’d been like the fourth member of the band for so long. The only one who didn’t contribute anything musically. There wasn’t an ounce of Yoko in me. In fact, I’d wanted Zach to stay with the boys, but he’d been keen on heading to college with me instead.
And he’d resented me for that decision ever since.
He’d never said it in so many words, but it was clear in his actions and attitude. It was the reason we’d been married the way we had. We’d thought taking the plunge would prove something to ourselves about how in love we were. We’d been damn fools.
Jamie’s words were too much, and they broke the dam that had stopped the tears welling in my eyes from falling. I drew in a staggered breath as the waterworks started. Before I could understand what was happening, Jamie had me in his arms.
“What’s your room number?” he asked.
I told him through my tears.
“Let’s get back there, and you can tell me everything.”
Although I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to spill all of my secrets, I nodded against his chest.
Barely ten minutes later, I’d downed a glass and a half of the white wine I had in my room and still hadn’t said a word to Jamie.
“So, what’s going on? Why are you doing the walk of shame out of Zach’s hotel room? Aren’t you married?”
I sighed and stared at the glass in my hand. “I am, and it’s a long story.”
“There’s at least another two glasses of wine in that bottle. That sounds like enough for a long story.”
“Maybe. It’d be nice to have someone else to talk to about it.”
He leaned forward until I had no choice but to look at him. “What’s going on?”
“You’re right, and you’re wrong. I am married. To Zach. No one from school knows because we had a quickie Vegas wedding thinking it would make things better.”
“Oh. And did it?”
“For a while. But then . . .” I shook my head.
“So, when you said earlier that things had been rough . . .” He trailed off as his brows dipped into a frown.
“We’ve been having issues for a few years. We separated for a few months a little over a year ago. Then I fell pregnant, and we agreed to give it one more chance. But it was a mistake.”
“Why?”
I shrugged. “There was too much that had happened, and neither of us could forgive each other for it. Not really.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“Don’t believe what?”
“That he hasn’t forgiven whatever you did wrong.”
I sighed at his naivety. “No offense, but what would you know about any of it?”
“I know the way he looks at you.”
My stomach twisted. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear that.
“The way he talks about you.”
I clenched my jaw. “You don’t know what happened though.” What I did.
“I don’t need to know. I’ve seen the way he is around you.”
His words settled over me like bricks, stacking on top of me and weighing me down.
There was a knock on my door. I glanced at the clock. It was almost two in the morning, and I had no idea why anyone would be calling so late. Worried it might be something serious, I stood to open it.
My heart stopped when I pulled it open, and Zach was standing on the other side.
As if sensing that there were things we both needed to say to each other—or maybe just not wanting to get in the middle of a domestic situation—Jamie stood. “I think the two of you need to talk. So, I’m going to go.” His gaze locked with Zach’s who was staring at him with a deathly glare and a jaw clenched so tightly I thought they were going to come to blows. “I’ll catch up with you later, Whitty.”
The instant Jamie had passed him, Zach’s glare turned to me. The tears that threatened to fall and the way his chest heaved with breaths that were clearly practiced and steady—designed to calm and soothe—all proved my words to Jamie were true regardless of his arguments against them.
Zach had never forgiven me.
He never would, and I understood why.
“You know what’s funny?” Zach said finally. There was a steady calmness in his voice I’d heard before and hated because of the mask it was. I’d rather him scream and shout than use that voice infused with fake composure.
“What?” I stood motionless staring at him, waiting for the worst of it.
“Despite all your accusations over the years, I’m not the one with another woman in my hotel room after midnight.”
“Jamie was just—”
“Not to mention I’m the only one of two of us who hasn’t slept with anyone else since we said our vows.”
My tears burned and my throat closed over, threatening to steal my voice. “I’m sorry. It was—”
“A mistake. Yeah, I know Maddy. I’ve heard it before, remember. I’ve heard it a hundred times. I really wanted to put it behind us and try again. Like a fool, I thought we could. I love you, Maddy.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Loved you.”
Certain his last barb, the intentional use of past tense, was designed to hurt me, I clenched my teeth together to stop my tears long enough to talk. “I knew you hadn’t forgiven me, regardless of what you tried to claim.”
“What am I supposed to say? I was killing myself trying to provide for our family, and you kicked me out so that you could suck off the neighbor.”
My tears fell without stopping. “I knew this weekend was a bad idea.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about the post-natal depression?”
“When exactly was I supposed
to tell you? When you crawled in at eleven o’clock at night? Or maybe when you were sneaking back out at four in the morning? At what point after you made me into your personal baby factory without any value outside of our kids was I supposed to tell you that I was failing at motherhood?”
“Is that why you did it? Why you made me leave and got together with . . . that ass? Because you were depressed?”
“No. Maybe. Ugh, I don’t know. I just know that I was alone all the time and he made me feel like a human again. Like I was beautiful.”
“You are beautiful.”
I sobbed. Even though I didn’t deserve it, Zach was in front of me in an instant with his arms wrapped around my waist.
“I’m sorry that I ever let you feel that you weren’t. Or that I let you imagine for a second that I didn’t love you for you.” His hand rested under my chin, lifting it up so he could meet my gaze.
“Don’t—” I stopped and took a steadying breath so that I could speak. “Don’t blame yourself. You always do that, and it makes things worse.”
“But you said yourself that you thought I was off screwing other women and you were just getting revenge.”
“I said that because I was angry.”
He was going to argue. I could tell by his expression and the way his muscles tensed under my hands.
Before he had a chance, I continued. “I was angry with myself and trying to justify the unjustifiable. It’s no wonder you’ve never forgiven me.”
“That’s not true.” His eyes blazed. “I don’t want you to walk away. I don’t want to separate.”
“How can you even look at me?” I asked.
He met my gaze and held it, no doubt trying to prove me wrong without words.
“I can’t look at you,” I admitted. “Not without thinking of all the ways I’ve hurt you. Hurt us.”
“Goddamn it, Maddy, how can I convince you that I want to move on from this? That I want to put it behind us and be a family again.”
“How do we do that?”
“The first step is forgiving yourself.” His eyes were too understanding. It was as if he could see right into my heart. “I forgive you. Besides, it’s not like we were together at the time. I was upset because I didn’t think that our separation was an invitation to see other people, but we’d never agreed that it wasn’t. I want to move on from that misunderstanding.”
“It’s not enough though, is it? Give it a month. Two. And we’ll be back into our same routine and hurting each other.”
He shook his head. “Not if we learn from this.”
“What can we learn? What can we change?”
“I quit my job,” he announced.
My mouth fell open. “You what?”
“It was hurting our family, and it wasn’t worth it.”
“How are we supposed to pay the mortgage?”
“We have some savings. Enough for a few months.”
“But—”
“And I figured maybe you’d like to try to find something.”
“What?”
“You’re always saying how much you regret giving away any chance of a career. How much you miss adult conversations and being in the real world. So, I want to give you that.”
“How?” My heart hammered in my chest.
“I’ll stay with the kids. There’s a telecommuting job I applied for.”
My slowly drying tears gave way to laughter.
“What is it?” he asked, his gaze trailing over my features.
“It’s a sign how fucked up we’ve become when telling me to go get a job is a gift.”
He frowned. “No, I didn’t mean . . . I just . . . I mean, I thought . . . Isn’t it what you wanted? You don’t have to.”
“No, I want to. I’m just saying it’s so . . . us, isn’t it?”
“Maybe. But that’s what is good about us.”
I rolled my eyes. “Good? Have you been in the same marriage as me?”
“There are some fucked up things that have happened, sure. But we’re worth it. You are worth it.”
I shied away from his words. In my heart of hearts, I couldn’t believe it. I’d been the one who’d broken our vows. The one who’d hidden my diagnosis. The one who hadn’t been able to speak to him about it all because I was so terrified of letting him down by being a bad mother. But by not talking, I’d made things even worse.
“Did you want to come lay down for a while? We have a big day tomorrow.”
He nodded. “I’d like that.”
Without getting undressed again, we both curled up together on top of the blankets of my hotel bed. The instant we were both settled, his voice came from behind me—singing one of the songs he’d written for me years ago.
With his song in my ear and his arms around me, I let myself do the one thing I’d always feared and avoided.
Instead of trying to hold it all in, I fell to pieces.
This time was different though.
This time, I trusted he’d catch me.
3
Zachary
When I woke in Maddison’s hotel room, things felt different.
Real hope for our future bubbled in me for the first time in a long time. The night before, Maddison had shown a side of herself I’d never seen. She’d always been my rock, but now I saw that she needed to break.
It was the complete opposite to the way I’d felt when I woke earlier that morning to find myself alone in my room. I’d come in search of her, wanting to know what I’d done to make her leave.
Instead, I found her with Jamie, and the things I’d kept locked inside flew free.
I opened my eyes and found her staring at me.
“I’m sorry,” she said but didn’t elaborate on the reason for her apology.
Not that she needed to. We both had so many things to apologize to each other for. I couldn’t help feeling like we’d had something of a breakthrough the night before though. “Me too. How are you feeling?”
“You know nothing happened with Jamie, right? He just saw me coming out of your room and—”
I pressed my finger to her lips. “You don’t have to tell me anything. I trust you. And I know he knows I’d kick his ass if he laid a finger on you.”
She snorted. “Ever the romantic.”
I gave her the biggest grin I could muster. “That’s me.”
She rested her head on my chest, and I breathed in her scent as it enveloped me. It was calming in a way nothing else ever could be. “Why do you trust me? After everything I did.”
“Because you were the one who told me. If I’d found out any other way, I don’t know if I could be as understanding. Despite doing something really shitty, you were honest when it really counted.”
“It’ll never happen again. I can promise that.”
“I know.”
Her breath was warm over my skin as she said, “I think I’m ready to talk to a counselor. If you still want to?”
“Of course, I do. I’ve told you, Maddy, I will do anything it takes to get us back on the right track. Not because it’s the best thing for our family, but because I don’t want to have to say goodbye.”
“So, you’re being entirely selfish in your request?”
“Exactly. That’s me. The selfish one,” I teased. It was something she’d accused me of so often. With her in my arms and having reconnected in ways we hadn’t in a long time, I was willing to joke about some of our issues.
“You know what the real shame is? That we don’t have our wedding rings with us,” she said.
I reached into my pants pocket, hoping the ring would still be in there despite the events of the night before. “Speak for yourself,” I said as my fingers closed around the band.
“You brought it with you? Why?”
“I only took it off yesterday because I figured it would upset you.”
She laughed, and I couldn’t understand what was so funny. After a moment, she held up one finger as if she wanted me to wait quietly. Then she reac
hed across to the side table where her purse sat from the night before. A few seconds later, she held a band that matched my own. “I didn’t think I’d need it, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave it at home either.”
I placed my ring on the pillow beside me and reached for hers.
“May I?” I asked as I grabbed her hand.
With a shy smile, she nodded.
I slipped the ring onto her slender finger before kissing her hand over the place where it rested. “I like seeing that there. It should stay there.”
She plucked my ring up. “I guess yours should go on again too.” She slid it onto my finger gently. “At least for the time being.”
“I don’t feel so naked anymore,” I said, linking our fingers together.
She sighed. “We need to get up. It’s almost lunchtime, and we’re due at the pool by two for the next festivities.”
“We could just stay here instead.”
“No. I need to have some space. Last night was stressful, and I need time to think about everything that happened.”
Part of me worried she was pulling away again. That all of the progress we’d made would disappear just as fast as we’d made it.
“Meet me back here at one-thirty?”
I breathed out my relief that she wanted me to take her to the pool party and drinks.
“No one thinks that we’re married, so we’ll give them something to talk about.” She grinned.
“You’re devious.” I gave her one last kiss before climbing out of her bed. I reached the door and turned back to her. “I like it. See you shortly.”
I had a new skip in my step as I headed back to my room to get changed. Things might not have been perfect, but they were far better than they had been.
When we got home, we’d go to counseling. I’d heard stories of relationships surviving infidelity, and I was positive ours would be one of those. We had too much history to walk away. We’d shared too much of our lives to let it all go when there was still love between us.
As Maddison had requested, I returned to her room to accompany her to the cocktails by the pool event.
We walked in with matching smiles and her hand on my arm.
