by Maggie Marr
But she discovered that she couldn’t ignore her past. She had to come to peace and forgive herself for what she’d done. If she couldn’t forgive herself, she’d go back to the pills and the needle and eventually the men. Yeah, she had to forgive herself to stay sober, but she didn’t expect anyone else to. She watched Anthony. His hands hung at his sides. Fists clenching and unclenching in the cold. His face stoic and nearly unreadable. He’d barricaded his heart again.
An ache tore through her. Love. She’d been blessed with love, and the pain of Vinnie’s death had blinded her. She’d turned her back on Anthony, thinking of him as just another painful reminder of the world without Vinnie, and run to a life that ripped her to shreds. And now… Anthony stared at Vinnie’s tombstone, eyes red and shoulders stiff. Now, she’d never know this man’s love again.
He turned toward his car. His feet crunched frozen snow and his body hunched forward against the increasing wind as he walked. She took one more look at Vinnie’s headstone. Pressed her hand to the icy rock. Yeah, she had to forgive herself to survive, but Anthony didn’t have to. She didn’t think he ever would.
*
“You coming in?” Shelly reached for the passenger side door handle as his car stopped at the curb. Hope lingered in her gaze as she looked at him.
If he were a better person, a bigger person, maybe a person who could forgive Shelly for her past, then he would go into Mrs. Bello’s home. But he couldn’t. He’d managed to tame the anger that raged through him on the way to the cemetery, managed to talk himself into the idea that what he did today was for Vinnie. He wouldn’t be cruel, but he couldn’t be loving. He might always be in love with Shelly, but he couldn’t be with her, couldn’t sleep with her, couldn’t hold her in his arms. There were too damned many ghosts between them now.
“No.” He’d rather not tell her, not say anything, let his cool distance convey that whatever had been between them was over. But she deserved better than his silence, because she was Vinnie’s sister and because he loved her.
“I can’t”—his teeth ground together and his jaw muscle clenched—“I can’t be with you anymore.”
Her lips compressed. A resigned stare replaced the hopeful look.
“Got it. Not surprised. I guess I knew I wasn’t the right woman for you anymore.” One corner of her mouth hitched up into a sad sort of smile.
“I’m sorry. I’m just not…I can’t get around the past. Around what happened.” He shook his head. “I don’t know how to love you now.”
He swallowed. The words hurt to say. His heart burned in his chest with a fierce love and a furious anger, and he couldn’t figure out a way to get past either.
“What we had was once in a lifetime.” Shelly reached out. Her fingertips skimmed his cheekbone. “Lucky we both got that for a while, I guess.”
Anthony inhaled and closed his eyes. Her touch. He would forever crave her touch. He fought the urge to clasp her hand, to turn his face and press her fingers to his lips. Instead he remained silent, immobile. Shelly climbed out of the car, let herself into Mrs. Bello’s home. She flipped the lights off and on, and Anthony drove away into the deep, cold, still winter night.
Chapter 14
“Shelly! Thank goodness.” Aubrey, with arms outstretched and her baby belly leading the way, carefully stepped around where her sister sat amid piles of wrapping paper, giant boxes, ribbons, and bows to walk toward Shelly.
“What’s going on here?” Shelly dropped her purse into a chair. Santa’s workshop had exploded in the middle of Aubrey’s living room. Aubrey and Justin’s housekeeper took Shelly’s coat from her hands before she could even turn to look for the closet.
Aubrey hugged her close. She vibrated like a live wire, excited energy surrounding her. “Well,” Aubrey sighed, “with my pregnancy brain, I forgot completely about a whole closet of gifts.” She waved her hands toward the carpet. Nina looked up from the rectangular box between her spread legs, which she had covered with red and white-striped wrapping paper, brandishing a pair of scissors.
“Merry Christmas,” Nina said and winked.
“I tried to find a wrapping service, but at ten a.m. on Christmas Eve day, you can imagine how that went.”
Shelly planted her hands on her hips. A five-foot pile of boxes to be wrapped waited in the far corner of the room. After the pain of yesterday, standing beside Anthony’s pregnant sister-in-law wrapping gifts for the Travati family was, perhaps, the absolute last place Shelly wanted to be, but Nonna had answered the phone and offered up Shelly’s services as associate elf before Shelly could object. And no matter how things stood between her and Anthony, Shelly couldn’t repay Aubrey’s kindness with rejection.
“I’m so happy you can help. Ramona is making lunch, Max is out doing his own shopping, and I’ve convinced Justin not to come home early.” Aubrey tucked a stray curl back into her ponytail. “There’s cider and cookies and hot chocolate—”
“And lots of presents to wrap,” Nina mumbled from the floor. She looked up toward Shelly. “She’s plying us with food and drink.”
“I got that.” Shelly picked up a roll of red foil wrap stamped with green trees. She grabbed a roll of tape and some scissors and found a spot on the floor not far from the coffee table.
“Here’s one.” Aubrey smiled and lifted a rectangular box. “It’s for Anthony. Let me show you.”
A lump filled Shelly’s throat. Anthony. Anthony’s present. She ground her teeth and sucked in her cheeks.
She could do this. She could pretend that her heart wasn’t broken, get through the holiday, and get back to her new life in San Francisco. She’d spoken to her sponsor, she’d gone to her meeting, she’d forgiven herself again today, damn, she could do this.
Heat blurred her eyes. Aubrey opened the box and pulled out a picture frame. She turned it over and slipped the cool metal into Shelly’s hands. “Do you think he’ll like it?” she asked.
The breath shot from Shelly’s lungs. She clasped her hand over her mouth. Her gaze darted from Aubrey’s face back to the picture. The photo showed the Travati and Bello kids, six of them…all of them, together and well. Justin, Leo, Anthony, Devon, and even Vinnie, with her in the middle of the group. Anthony held one of Shelly’s hands and Vinnie held the other.
“It’s…I…” Her gaze searched the photo and the prickle of impending tears stung her eyes. God…here it was, that time before life took Vinnie, and she disappeared, and Justin and Anthony’s relationship had become nearly unrecognizable. Every one of them had had their entire future before them, and yet all they wanted was to be together, to ride their bikes and play tag and sit on the curb eating dripping chocolate and vanilla cones from the ice cream truck.
The tears burned her eyes as they spilled out and rolled down her cheeks. She had no idea if Anthony would like it. To her, it was just a reminder of everything she had lost, was losing all over again. She pressed a hand to her trembling lips and stood. “I’m sorry…I can’t…” she whispered. She picked her way over the obstacle course of wrapping paper and boxes and fled the room, leaving a stunned Aubrey and Nina behind.
*
A gentle knock on the powder room door. “Shelly? Are you okay?” Aubrey’s voice, soft and hesitant, filled with concern.
“I’m okay. Out in a second.” Shelly forced the quaver from her voice. What a great guest she was. How long had she been in the bathroom? Fifteen minutes? An hour? She splashed cold water onto her face then dabbed a hand towel against her skin. Red-rimmed eyes and a swollen, ugly nose confronted her in the oval mirror. She wasn’t a cute crier. Nope, she always looked like she’d been in a brawl after she cried.
Deep breath. She pulled her hair behind her ears and squared her shoulders. Closing her eyes a moment to gather her resolve, she opened the bathroom door.
Aubrey’s warm gaze greeted her, then immediately filled with chagrin when she saw Shelly’s face. “I’m sorry! Oh my gosh, I’m so so sorry. I didn’t think, I didn’t—�
�
Shelly grasped Aubrey’s elbow. “It’s okay. This wasn’t because of you. My emotions are all over the place. In a lot of ways this is my first Christmas without”—deep breath—“without Vinnie.” And Anthony, she wanted to add, but didn’t. She’d been so high the last five Christmases she couldn’t remember details of any of them. “When I saw that picture, all those emotions came crashing in, that’s all.”
“I’m sorry. I remember the first Christmas without my mom.” Aubrey’s eyes held compassion and a hint of tears. “I should have—”
“No, hey. Please.” Shelly pasted a smile to her face. “I’m a big girl. And you’ve got a ton of presents to get wrapped. So let’s get back in there and get them done.”
“Really?”
“Of course. I’ve had my cry, now let’s get going.”
Shelly followed Aubrey back into the living room, where Nina sat working on another box. “You okay? Figured you didn’t need an audience.”
Shelly nodded. She dug Nina, totally got her. It wasn’t that Nina didn’t care. She was giving Shelly space to work out her emotions. Shelly respected that.
“I’m better.” Shelly selected a roll of wrapping paper.
“I’ve found a good cry does wonders,” Nina said.
“For sure.” Shelly sat in the spot she’d originally picked on the floor, where the picture had been replaced by a box holding high-end headphones. “For Max?”
“He loves his music,” Aubrey confirmed.
“Good to know. Yesterday Tony and I were trying to figure out what he was into.” Shelly stopped short. She might as well forget the good times yesterday with Anthony; today was different. She fought down her emotions. Damn, she couldn’t cry two times in ten minutes. How crazy would Shelly and Nina think she was?
“How are things going between you two?” Aubrey asked. She wrapped red and green string around a present.
“We’ll be what we started out being.” Shelly looked up at Aubrey. She forced her lips into a crooked smile. “Friends.”
Aubrey’s gaze met Nina’s, and then dropped back to the gift in front of her. “Oh, I see. I kind of thought—” She stopped, licked her lips, and finally looked back at Shelly. “You can never have enough friends.”
“Oh come on,” Nina said. She jumped to her feet and walked over to deposit a wrapped present under the giant Christmas tree near the fireplace, which was already overloaded with colorful gifts. “We know what you thought, I know what you thought, because I thought it too.” She turned to Shelly. “We thought, and hoped, that you and Anthony would end up together.”
“Damn. Do you want to see me cry again?” Shelly only half-joked. “Because I can. Seriously, not so tough right now for me to turn on the waterworks, whether I want to or not.” She put the scissors she had been using on the floor and swiped tears away from the corners of her eyes. “All my emotions, right there on my sleeve. Damn.” Nina brought her a box of tissues, and Shelly plucked out two. “Thanks.”
She blew her nose, considering her next words. Nina sat next to Aubrey on the couch and they waited for her to speak.
“I love Anthony,” Shelly said. “I always will. But there’s just too much”—her gaze went from Nina to Aubrey—“too much past between us to make the future work.”
Nina raised an eyebrow, tilted her head, and gave Aubrey a weighted gaze.
“What?” Aubrey asked. “What do you want me to say? It’s not like I’m some Travati miracle worker, okay? I can’t make them do anything.”
“No, but you can tell her. It’s not like your past with Justin is any big secret.”
Aubrey sighed. She peeled the backing from an adhesive green bow and stuck it to the top of a present. “You know that Justin and I weren’t together for fifteen years?”
Shelly’s brow creased. “Right. I mean, Nonna told me that you two got back together last summer.”
“What she didn’t tell you, because Justin doesn’t really tell anyone, is that Justin not being a part of Max’s life wasn’t his fault.”
“But, he never wanted a family, and then he got sick and—” Realization hit Shelly. “Oh.” Her gaze flicked to Nina, who nodded, and then back to Aubrey. “And he forgave you?”
Aubrey looked up at the ceiling. “Thankfully, yes.” She took a deep breath and rubbed her round belly. “He loves me. He forgave me. I know it wasn’t easy for him, but he did.”
“I’m happy for you. You guys make a great family.”
“Right,” Aubrey said. She leaned toward Shelly. “Here’s the thing. The look I see on Justin’s face when he looks at me is the same look I see on Anthony’s face when he looks at you.”
Shelly closed her eyes. Her throat tightened and a weight settled in her chest. She swallowed. What to say? How to say it? “I know that.” Shelly met Aubrey’s gaze. “Anthony and I have loved each other probably our whole lives. I mean, I can still remember being a kid and wanting nothing more than to be around Tony and my brother. And they let me hang around with them. Do you believe that? Two twelve-year-old boys letting a nine-year-old girl tag around after them? I was their shadow.”
She took a deep breath and cleared her mind. “But that was a long time ago. Vinnie is gone, and I did some really rough things, and Tony’s life? It’s not what it was. He’s got this whole new life, and while we’ll always love each other, I just don’t see how I, and my past, can fit with him and what he wants.”
Aubrey reached out and clasped Shelly’s hand. She nodded. “Okay. Just please know you’re always a part of our family, no matter what happens between you and Anthony. Justin thinks of you like a sister.”
“Thank you,” Shelly whispered. Swimming through these bottomless buckets of emotion was rough.
“Great,” Nina said. Her tone dry but her face containing a warm smile. “I love you, you love her, we all love each other. Now can we get back to work? We’ve got like a hundred presents to wrap, and you two are burning daylight with these sob stories about the Travati brothers.”
Shelly dabbed under her nose with the tissue. “You got it, boss. Looks like next year you need to get your sister an elf costume that comes with a whip,” Shelly joked to Aubrey.
She turned back to Max’s present, trying to maintain the smile on her face. This was Christmas, and she wouldn’t be back here again, not next year, or the year after. Aside from the painful memories, she wouldn’t be able to bear seeing Anthony with another woman. Next year, she’d convince Nonna to come see her and Aunt Patty in California, but for today and tonight and tomorrow she would pretend. She would stuff her emotions down deep, no matter how much pain she was in, and glue her smile to her face if she had to to get through Christmas.
*
“What’re you still doing in the office?” Justin’s voice yanked Anthony from his thoughts. Justin stood in the doorway, shoulder against the doorjamb, his arms crossed over his chest.
“I could ask you the same thing.” While they were finally speaking to each other again, Justin and Anthony hadn’t mended their relationship. A stiff and formal air, as between two warriors who’d come to a grudging truce, still clung to the brothers.
“Max had some last-minute shopping to do. I’m meeting them at home. We’ll see you at Mrs. Bello’s for dinner and mass?”
Anthony nodded. All he wanted was to return to his own apartment, honestly, and not see anyone, but that wasn’t a possibility, especially tonight, on Christmas Eve. Justin walked into Anthony’s office, right to the wall of windows looking out on the Manhattan skyline.
“I hear you and Aubrey had a conversation at the Teddy Bear Luncheon.”
“You looked good in that red suit.” A tiny smile lifted the corners of Anthony’s mouth. “I even got a picture.”
“Don’t remind me. Amazing, the things a man will do for the woman he loves.”
The words flew like arrows into Anthony’s heart. Of course, Justin couldn’t know Anthony had decided to forego a relationship with Shelly. It
wasn’t a criticism. No, his brother was only talking about his own relationship and how in love he was with his bride.
“Aubrey mentioned you thanked her for her work, and apologized for your behavior.”
“I began my apology,” Anthony said. “I know I deserve to do more groveling than just one quick ‘I’m sorry’ at a charity event.”
Justin turned from the windows to look at Anthony. He tilted his head. “You’re admitting that you were wrong? That you’ve behaved poorly?”
Anthony swallowed and his chest tightened. No better time than the present, than Christmas Eve, to begin to beg for forgiveness.
“Not only was I wrong and poorly behaved, but I also owe you a debt of gratitude for not kicking my ass for being such a jerk to your family.”
Justin’s brows furrowed. “You’re serious. You’re being sincere? This isn’t some sick and twisted little brother prank? Because if it is, I will most definitely be kicking your ass.”
“No prank.” Although Anthony wished the whole thing could be a joke—that he hadn’t made Aubrey and Max, and by extension, Justin, pay for their happiness as a new family. “I’m sorry. I behaved egregiously to you, Aubrey, and Max. I will do whatever is necessary to make up for my bad behavior.”
“My God.” Justin crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. “You’re completely besotted.”
“Since when do you use words like besotted?”
“I’m quite well traveled, you know.” Justin bestowed a superior older brother smile on Anthony. “Seriously, you’ve got it bad again for Shelly.”
The ache that thrummed through Anthony’s heart, his constant companion, pulsed harder against his chest with the mention of her name. He stood up and pushed his office chair beneath his desk. He hadn’t expected an apology for his own bad behavior would lead to a conversation about Shelly.
“Not anymore,” he sighed. His gaze met his brother’s. Anthony couldn’t hide his feelings from Justin; one of the toughest parts of having brothers was that they absolutely knew when you were bullshitting them. “We can’t—” He put his hands on his hips. His gaze swept past Justin and out the window. The New York skyline was lit up, nearly empty office buildings sporting red and green lights. He turned back to his brother. “I’ll always love her, but it isn’t going to work out between us. Too much past.”
