by Divya Anand
PING!
Glam Office Messenger Group Chat
[#Glaminions—9.45 a.m.] Sitara: How are we supposed to work with this infernal racket!
[#Glaminions—9.45 a.m.] Aakash: Nobody cares about us. This is just a giant pissing contest among the bosses.
[#Glaminions—9.46 a.m.] Upasana: I heard Harsh is getting new lights?
[#Glaminions—9.46 a.m.] Sitara: Yes, his office now looks like a hospital. OMG!
[#Glaminions—9.46 a.m.] Shirin: What?
[#Glaminions—9.46 a.m.] Sitara: Um, Harsh now has minigolf set up in his new office. I guess he’s indicating he’s now ‘senior’ leadership?
[#Glaminions—9.47 a.m.] Shirin: Then he should consider soundproofing his cabin. There’s a bunch of admin guys complaining about having to replace the glass in Ash’s cabin. That’s the power move.
[#Glaminions—9.47 a.m.] Upasana: How will we know what’s going on if we can’t overhear Ash’s conversations?
[#Glaminions—9.50 a.m.] Bhargavi: As if soundproofing could cut out the ruckus Ash makes when he’s yelling at someone!
[#Glaminions—9.50 a.m.] Dhruv: Burn!
[#Glaminions—9.55 a.m.] Shirin: Fancy people with their fancy demands!
[#Glaminions—9.55 a.m.] Upasana: I think Abhimanyu wants to be away from Ash so he can work in peace without Ash ambling in with his ideas.
[#Glaminions—9.56 a.m.] Aakash: He wants his desk to face the door so he can see whether his team is working or not. Micromanager!
[#Glaminions—10.00 a.m.] Bhargavi: Speaking of leadership whims, I think Ash’s full name is Ashirwad.
[#Glaminions—10.00 a.m.] Sitara: As in atta?
[#Glaminions—10.00 a.m.] Bhargavi: Why not? I’d want to shorten my name if I was named after a brand of atta. Besides, his parents definitely thought he was a ‘blessing’. That explains his sense of entitlement!
[#Glaminions—10.01 a.m.] Shirin: Our quest to get to Ash’s real name can’t possibly end with atta!
DRRR!
The sound of drilling got louder. There were workers in all three offices on the floor and it was like a drilling contest was on. Each group seemed determined to prove that they were working the hardest, and they chose to show it through the noise they were making. Ash’s desire to soundproof his office was kicking off the biggest bout of sound pollution we’d ever witnessed. I decided it was time to head downstairs. Working at Starbucks would be so much more productive than attempting to work at my new desk.
Thanks yet again to that dick, Abhimanyu!
After the bizarre events of the office reorganization that had begun on Wednesday, I was cheered up by the fact that Thursday brought with it trivia night. This time, I was determined to win. I had spent the better part of the previous weekend trying to bring myself up to speed on the latest in the world of sports, so we weren’t stuck relying on Krish.
Stalking Arjun’s social media does not exactly qualify as ‘sports research’, the annoying little voice in my head piped up, sounding unmistakably like Kavya. I ignored it.
For once, I entered Last Call with Upasana and Shirin, having managed to leave office together. Kavya and Krish were already there and had got a head start on ordering. The table was loaded with pizzas and a pitcher of beer. They’d even made sure to get extra glasses. I suspected that was Kavya’s idea, to make sure I didn’t steal sips from her glass until I got my own.
‘They’re doing something different today,’ Kavya said as we settled down. ‘Only four teams are here so they’re doing a knockout round. Two at a time, and the last one standing wins.’
I shrugged. The format didn’t matter, as long as the end result was a win for Whiskeypedia. It sounded easier to win with only four teams in the running. Those vouchers would be ours! I had already chugged down the glass of beer I’d poured myself when I sat down, and now reached out to steal a sip from Kavya’s glass. She gave me a dirty look.
I looked around the bar to size up our competition. I spotted a new team, filled with five nerdy looking men who looked like they had crawled out of bed and fallen into Last Call. They were already looking so tipsy that I was fairly certain we would beat them. Where were the other two teams?
‘They’re not here,’ Kavya said, looking directly at me.
‘Who?’ I asked, the picture of innocence, as I reached for a slice of pizza.
‘The Sherlock Homies. Do you really think I’ll fall for your puppy dog eyes? They must be coming because George read out the list of teams and they were on it. We’re against them in the finals if we beat Sotally Tober and they beat Yer a Quizzer Harry.’
‘Well, we’ll be beating everyone today,’ I announced confidently. I gestured to the waiter. I couldn’t keep stealing sips from everyone at the table. I needed more alcohol.
‘Do you think he’s on their team?’ Shirin jumped in.
‘Who?’ I asked.
‘Abhimanyu!’
I shrugged as though it didn’t matter to me, even though I was wondering the very same thing. Kavya looked at me and raised an eyebrow. She was seeing right through my fake nonchalance.
‘Maybe we should’ve asked him if he wanted to carpool with us,’ Upasana said. ‘That way, we could’ve found out if he was coming.’
‘Hey, so which team is Sotally Tober?’ I asked.
‘That one,’ Krish said, pointing at the raucous bunch of men in the corner. They were the ones I’d already sized up as too drunk to compete.
‘Let’s send them a pitcher and get them as drunk as their name suggests,’ I grinned.
‘That’s called cheating,’ Kavya said. ‘And don’t think I haven’t noticed your not-so-subtle change of subject.’
I ignored her. ‘I’m just being supportive of their will to chug.’
I looked towards the door and was promptly rewarded with a whack on my arm from Kavya. I rubbed my arm and glared at her.
‘Stop looking for Abhimanyu,’ she said.
‘I’m not looking for him . . . ’
‘Of course,’ she rolled her eyes at me. I stuck my tongue out at her in response. The rest of the table ignored us as they normally did when we regressed into this version of a playground squabble. George suddenly appeared at the front of the pub. He was in deep discussion with someone.
‘Hey George,’ Krish called out and began to do a little dance to get George’s attention. He couldn’t bear that George was focusing so intently on someone else, even if it was the person in charge of helping him with the mic and lights for trivia night.
Of course, just as Krish began his twerking routine, Abhimanyu walked in. I wanted to die of embarrassment. I slouched a little lower in my seat as my neck grew hot. Zaina, who was with Abhimanyu, shot me one of her death stares. She was definitely still mad at me over what had happened last week. They sat down at the table on our right. I took a deep breath and poured myself another glass of beer.
‘Welcome to our newest edition of Thirsty Thursday,’ George boomed, now that he was mic-ed up. He gave a little wink in our direction, which got Krish to stop twerking. ‘We realized that the standard format of writing down your answers to the questions was resulting in folks getting some help from their friend Google . . . ’
Krish booed loudly.
‘And so, tonight, we decided to mix it up. We have four teams, and we’ll do a knockout tournament. Each team sends one member up front for every round. You get two points for a correct answer. One point if you correctly answer a question that the other team passes to you. Let’s begin with Whiskeypedia and Sotally Tober,’ he said.
‘What’s the category?’ Krish yelled out. Thank God someone was sober enough to ask that question. I had been so busy trying to evade Abhimanyu’s gaze, I had completely missed considering that the category would decide whom we should send to this round.
‘We’re starting with a fun one—Art in Popular Culture,’ George said. We stared at each other, trying to figure out who would be our best bet.
/> ‘Kavya,’ I said immediately.
‘But what if music is also a category?’ she said, chewing her lip thoughtfully.
‘Upasana can manage,’ I replied. Art in Popular Culture sounded complicated and I couldn’t keep our pop culture pundit out of this round.
‘No,’ Upasana jumped in. ‘Don’t you remember I thought that Beyonce and Jay Z collectively referred to themselves as Bey-Z.’
‘That’s a pretty good guess,’ Shirin giggled. She served herself a slice of pizza.
‘That’s not the point. It took me weeks to live it down!’
‘Longer than Sitara and toilet rolls?’ Kavya said with a cheeky grin.
‘Fine,’ I said hurriedly. ‘Kavya, you go.’
Kavya walked up to the front where George was standing. He had gone through a lot of trouble. There was a mini stage at the front of the bar with two chairs facing each other. He’d also managed to get a floor lamp to create a makeshift spotlight that would shine directly over the competitors’ heads. I think he was trying to create an atmosphere of drama. However, it looked less like a quiz and more like an interrogation room. Kavya and one of the guys from Sotally Tober, who looked uncannily like Harry Potter, with his messy hair and round glasses, took their seats. I wondered if the guy realized he was in the wrong team. With his looks, he should’ve been in Yer a Quizzer, who had all come decked head to toe in Harry Potter gear and were busy waving their wands at the stage.
‘Let the games begin,’ George said and walked over to the centre of the stage. He gestured to the projector behind him as a picture came up.
‘Name this painting,’ he said pointing at an image of Phoebe from Friends holding up a painting of a truly hideous looking creature that appeared to be escaping from the frame.
‘GLYNNIS,’ Kavya yelled. Of course, she knew which of the two, Gladys and Glynnis, this picture was. She watched Friends on repeat endlessly and could tell you what any character would say next before they did so on the screen.
‘But you didn’t press the buzzer,’ George said. ‘So, the question passes. Do you have an answer?’ he asked the Potter lookalike.
‘Glynnis,’ he replied, looking extremely pleased with himself.
We groaned. There was no way he would’ve got if Kavya hadn’t given it away. He had looked stunned until she’d opened her mouth.
Kavya mouthed ‘sorry’ to us.
‘Since 1970, Art Deco posters are used not only in advertising, but also for self-expression and decor. In the late twentieth century, print-based motivational posters were essential office decor in the West. Name the popular character from the award-winning 2005 sitcom who featured these posters on his walls,’ George said, moving to the next question.
The Potter lookalike buzzed. George looked at him.
‘Um . . . ’ he tried stalling for time.
‘If he doesn’t have the answer, it has to pass,’ Kavya jumped in, wanting to regain the points she’d lost.
‘She’s right,’ George said. ‘What’s your answer?’
‘Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother.’
‘Right answer,’ said George, as we cheered.
‘Next question: How did Sleeping Lady with Black Vase by Hungarian artist Robert Bereny become famous in 2009?’
BZZZZZ! Kavya buzzed as the Potter lookalike looked completely lost.
‘It was used as a prop in Stuart Little,’ she announced confidently.
‘That can’t be right,’ her opponent burst out. His team heckled and yelled.
‘Why not let George tell you if I’m right or not?’ Kavya said. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs, looking quite regal.
‘She’s right,’ George chimed in, looking impressed that she knew this obscure fact.
As the round went on, Kavya decimated the other team with her answers and witty quips. The Potter lookalike looked more and more out of his depth with every question. He kept looking at the clock as though he was counting down to the time when his humiliation would end. George, on the other hand, looked like he was questioning whether he’d put in enough thought behind the questions. Kavya walked off the stage amidst much applause. Before she got back to the table, someone bought her a beer as a thank you for her entertaining performance.
The next round was Literature. I chugged an entire glass of water to clear my head before I went up. I sat on the stage, squirming at the sharp light that was almost blinding me. I blinked a few times to clear my vision. Damn George and his weird set-up. My opponent, another member of Sotally Tober, stepped on stage—a tall, lanky guy with a pretentious goatee. He seemed a little more sober than the one Kavya had trounced. He slouched in his chair with an arrogant expression on his face.
They sent a girl, he mouthed at the rest of his all-male team. Ah, these guys believed women couldn’t quiz. You’d think that after Kavya’s performance, they would change their assessment of women and trivia. Clearly, he needed to have his behind handed to him to truly learn that lesson. I couldn’t wait to show him just how well ‘girls’ could quiz.
‘Where does Emma Corrigan work,’ George asked, looking mighty pleased with himself.
BUZZ!
‘Panther Cola,’ I said. My team whooped. I swear, I saw George wink at me. He probably didn’t appreciate Mr Tober’s stance any more than I did and had purposely begun with a question featuring the lead from a Sophie Kinsella novel.
‘This 2003 mystery thriller opens with a murder at the Louvre . . . ’
BUZZ!
‘The Da Vinci Code,’ I announced confidently, earning my team two more points. I couldn’t believe that George had included such an easy question. This was more a game of quick reflexes than trivia.
‘What’s the longest book ever written?’
BUZZ!
‘Marcel Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past,’ said Mr Tober. He looked mighty confident.
But I knew he was wrong. I jumped in immediately. ‘George, you asked for the longest book, not novel. The longest book is the Bible,’ I argued.
‘Quiz master rules. I give him the points,’ George said.
I pouted. My team booed.
‘No heckling. That won’t get you any points,’ George said.
‘Next question: This children’s book only has fifty words in it, because the author took on a dare from the editor that it would be impossible to write a book in only fifty words.’
BUZZ!
‘Green Eggs and Ham,’ I said. This was one of my favourite children’s books of all time.
‘Would you eat them in a box? Would you eat them with a fox?’ my team yelled from the audience, quoting the book for everyone’s entertainment.
‘And for a bonus point, the author . . . ,’ George began.
‘Dr Seuss,’ I quickly jumped in before Mr Tober could process what was going on.
The quiz went on and our teams were neck to neck. I was starting to feel the pressure. It wasn’t just about winning any more, it was about beating this arrogant ass. Every time he got a correct answer, he smirked and stroked that ridiculous goatee. I wasn’t leaving here without beating him fair and square. I glared at him and pushed my hair away from my eyes.
‘You can visit the author’s family home in Concord, Massachusetts. She reluctantly moved from Boston in 1868 to write this book. Name the book.’
BUZZ!
I pressed the buzzer so hard, I almost fell out of my chair.
‘Little Women,’ I said confidently. I have been a fan of Louisa May Alcott and the March girls since I was a girl. I’d visited the family home when I’d last travelled to the US, annoying my family who didn’t want to be dragged to see some ‘random old house’ as my mother succinctly put it.
George nodded and said. ‘And for a bonus point, which character in the book is actually the author herself, as evidenced by the fact that she writes the book eventually . . . ’
BUZZ!
‘Jo,’ shouted Mr Sotally Tober.
‘Correct,�
�� said George. ‘Your teams are tied.’
I stared at him in shock. He didn’t just say that, did he? My team screamed in frustration.
‘That’s wrong,’ I burst out. ‘That’s from a scene in the movie. There was nothing in the original book to suggest that Jo wrote Little Women!’
‘My decision is final,’ George began, but he was cut off as Krish jumped on stage waving a phone in his face. I found Google results to back up my claim. George kept shaking his head, leading to more of my team members clambering on to the stage.
‘You’re not paying attention to the research,’ Kavya insisted as she stood in front of George with her hands on her hips.
George looked shaken to see a group of four tipsy trivia enthusiasts now crowding his stage. He took a few steps back, to put some space between him and Kavya. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice the wire connecting the floor lamp to the power outlet and tripped on it. He fell directly on the lap of a woman sitting in the first row, who looked completely scandalized, as the lights went out in perfect synchronicity.
‘Get away,’ she yelled as she pushed George off her lap and on to the floor.
Soon, there was a mini riot as people argued on which answer was correct. The argument escalated, and suddenly, pitchers were being upended on the floor. A server came running to clean the mess. He was still holding a tray in his hand. He slipped on the puddle of beer, sending bowls of peanut masala flying into the air. There was a lot of shouting, some colourful cuss words and a whole lot of commotion. Within minutes, the entire lot of us, including George, was politely escorted outside and trivia night ended rather unceremoniously with no real winners. As everyone began to scatter in different directions to head home, I continued to defend myself rather hotly.
‘It’s the principle of the thing. That wasn’t even a book question. And it was the second time that he got his trivia wrong . . . ’ I ranted as Kavya looked at her phone, trying to find us an Uber.
