He was losing his fucking mind. Cash had never felt this way before. Hell, he didn’t know what this way even was, but he wanted to destroy anyone who got between him and Ella. Not because she was his wife or anything. It was just that she was so innocent and sweet and he didn’t want her hurt.
He wanted to protect her. Help her transition to her new life. And he damned sure didn’t want to be the one who hurt her.
He had though. He knew he had, and it bothered him. He’d tried to apologize, but in true Ella fashion, she’d gotten all stoic and unemotional on him. Accepting of her fate even when she was scared inside. He knew she was scared because he knew her. Because, damn her, they had talked over the past week. About a lot of things.
He hated how she shut down and pretended not to care, but that too was Ella.
Ella, the girl who’d lived for fourteen years with no emotional support besides books and movies. The girl who’d learned to have sex from pornography but wanted the kind of love she read about in romance novels.
Jesus.
He couldn’t give her that love, but he could be more careful with her. He could avoid talking about double dates with Camel and how he couldn’t wait for a divorce.
His gut twisted at the thought of the word. Divorce.
Yeah, he wanted it. Of course he did. But he didn’t need to keep repeating it in front of Ella for God’s sake. She had enough to deal with.
He went out and got into the SUV, joining his teammates and Ella. They rode the hour back to HOT HQ without much conversation. Mostly they listened to satellite radio. Ella grooved to Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Gina Domenico, Demi Lovato, and Bruno Mars. She knew all the words.
They made it back to headquarters just as the workday was getting started. Colonel Mendez met them in a conference room that was not in the secure area of the facility. Ghost walked in behind him, his expression unreadable.
Ella was sitting in a chair, hands folded over her belly, her expression serene. Cash would bet she was anything but serene. She’d learned to hide her emotions over the years so she didn’t rouse the ire of her aunt and uncle. She was using that skill now, he was certain.
Mendez introduced himself to her. She stood and put her hand in his.
Holy shit, was she stammering? Fuck. Mendez had that effect on women even though he was probably old enough to be Ella’s dad. Bastard was good-looking and confident as hell though. Not to mention he was a certifiable badass. After that shit in Russia not too long ago, the man was practically a celebrity in Special Ops circles.
Ghost was quieter but no less interesting. Cash didn’t know his story yet. Nobody really did, come to think of it.
“I imagine you’re ready to get on with your life,” Mendez said to Ella after the introductions were made.
“I would like that, yes. I’m grateful for all you’ve done to make it possible,” she said. “For all Cash has done.”
“It’s what we do, Ella.” She had, predictably, told everyone to call her Ella rather than by her royal title. “But we aren’t quite done yet. We’ve been doing our research—and it seems you’re the owner of the Virginia estate that your aunt and uncle live on. Not only that, but the entire Rossi fortune belongs to you as well. They’ve been living off allowances from your funds, not the other way around.”
Ella looked stunned. She put a hand to her throat. Cash wanted to go to her, but she didn’t once look at him. “I… Wow.”
“I’ve been talking to Jack Hunter this morning. Gina’s attorneys are ready to help you sort everything out if you wish to use their firm. You can sell the estate or live on it. It’s up to you. But there’s no doubt it all belongs to you. Your aunt and uncle no longer have access to any of the accounts as of late yesterday.”
“I’m not sure…”
“It’s a lot to decide. You don’t have to figure it out yet.” Mendez glanced at Cash. “There’s also the matter of your marriage to my operator. You can divorce, though I’d recommend staying married a while longer. At least until the media attention dies down in a month or two.”
Cash’s gut roiled. He had no say in this—but he wanted one. Still, he kept his mouth shut and waited to see what she would say.
“I… am I free to go?” Ella asked.
“If that’s what you want. Jack can send a private security detail for you. If you and Cash want to work something out where you stay with him for a few days, that’s an option too.”
She didn’t even look at him. “No, that’s all right. I’ll hire Jack’s people. And I’ll get a hotel room.” She looked confused for a moment. “I can do that, right?”
“You can. It’s your money, Ella. It’s always been yours.”
She frowned. “I wish I’d known that a long time ago.”
“It’s not your fault you didn’t. My guys will stay with you until you have your security in place. I’ll have my secretary book a hotel room for you. You can meet with attorneys and security personnel there. When you’re satisfied, you can dismiss my operators. You and Cash can arrange for the divorce paperwork at your convenience.”
“Thank you. I’m so grateful for your help.” She turned her gaze on Cash finally, but it skittered away and danced over to Blade and Camel. “All of you. I owe you so much.”
“You don’t owe us anything,” Camel said before Cash could find any words. “This is what we do.”
Her gaze slid to him again for the briefest of moments. He got the distinct impression she was dismissing him from her life when her gaze moved away.
“I will never forget you,” she said softly. “Never.”
Something boiled up inside him. “Colonel,” he interjected, his voice sounding strained. “How can we be sure Ella is safe? What about Fahd?”
Mendez fixed him with that dark, piercing stare. “This isn’t a military operation, son. We’ve done everything we can, and Ella now has the ability to hire her own security. She won’t be unprotected. As for Fahd, he’s still in Qu’rim—and he’s arranged to marry another princess.”
There was nothing Cash could say to that. Fahd was an opportunist, and he’d clearly pounced on another opportunity when this one hadn’t worked out. He’d never been interested in Ella so much as he’d been interested in what he perceived he could gain from her status as a queen in exile. If he’d found someone else to exploit, then all the better for Ella.
Mendez turned back to Ella and took her hand again. “It’s been a pleasure, Ella. Should you need anything from us in the future, you can contact us through Jack. He can always get in touch with us.”
“Thank you. I hope I won’t need anything, but it’s nice to know.”
Mendez and Ghost left the room. Cash frowned hard at Camel and Blade. Finally Camel rolled his eyes.
“Hey man, let’s go get some coffee. I didn’t have nearly enough this morning.”
“You drank four cups,” Blade said, clearly not taking the hint.
“Yeah, well, I need more. My eyes aren’t twitching yet.”
“Get out,” Cash said. “Now.”
Blade’s eyebrows rose. Then he snorted. Cash didn’t much care.
“Yeah, fine, I get it. So, coffee then. Let’s roll.”
They both walked out, and Cash was left alone with Ella. He didn’t move. She didn’t either. She’d sat back down and she lifted her head to meet his gaze head-on. But she made no movements toward him.
Damn her.
“I don’t want to end like this,” he finally said when the silence stretched too long.
Ella laughed and shook her head. “Cash, you’ve wanted nothing but an end since you first picked me up. What’s changed besides the obvious?”
He blinked. “The obvious? What are you talking about?”
She folded her arms over her chest. Glared. “Money.”
“That’s my name. So what?” He wasn’t used to her calling him by his team name, but whatever.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m talking about my money. I
t seems I have some now.”
He frowned at her. Hard. Anger flared. “You think I’m interested in your money?” He was indignant. “Princess, I went to bat for you when you had nothing but the clothes on your back. I’ve jumped through hoops for you, married you when you were poor, protected you—until five minutes ago, you had absolutely nothing.” He held up both hands, the anger spiraling hard within him. “You know what? Fuck it. I don’t give a shit. You want nothing to do with me now, fine. But money has nothing to do with what’s happened between us. Nothing at all.”
Ella shot to her feet, her face red with the sudden emotion she couldn’t contain. “Then what does, Cash? What’s it about? Do you care about me? Want to be with me? Because I care about you, you dumb ass. You told me I wouldn’t be able to keep my feelings separate from the sex, and you were right! I care. I’m head over heels in caring about you. I don’t want to lose you or this thing we have, but I don’t want to go on either.” She pressed a balled-up fist to her chest. “I don’t want to keep going knowing I’m the only one whose heart is on the line. The only one who feels more than desire. I want more from you, Cash.”
He was stunned into silence. Simply stunned. What she was saying… God, it terrified him. Because it wasn’t real. It was just hormones and emotions and some really, really hot sex talking.
She closed the distance between them. Put her hand on his chest. Her eyes glittered with unshed tears as she gazed up at him. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on.
“I want this, Cash,” she whispered. “I want your heart. If you can’t give that to me, then maybe it’s best if we do say goodbye.”
*
She hadn’t intended to say any of those things to him. But he’d gotten so mad when she’d mentioned the money—and yes, she’d known she shouldn’t do that; she’d known it wasn’t about money at all—that she’d lost whatever control she’d been holding on to.
She hadn’t wanted him to know she cared. Hadn’t wanted him to know he’d been right and she’d been a silly virgin all along, falling for the first man to have sex with her.
But he did know because she’d lost control of her tongue.
She stood with her hand pressed to his heart for what seemed forever but was in reality only moments. That organ beat strong and hard—maybe a little more quickly than usual—beneath her palm.
Something flickered in his gaze and hope flared for the briefest of moments. But then it died when his gaze shuttered and all emotion went dormant. Cash was good at shutting down. Good at keeping his distance.
Except for the moments when he’d been buried inside her, whispering hot words in her ear while he came. Then he’d been open and raw. But he always put distance between them after.
“I don’t know if I can,” he said, his voice on edge.
She dropped her palm away, balled it into a fist at her side as if to keep his warmth and the essence of his heartbeat with her always.
“Then I can’t go on this way,” she said sadly. “I’m like an infant in some ways, you know. I have to learn how to live on my own, to forge relationships with others, to pay bills and build the life I was never allowed to have. I would do that beside you, with you—but you don’t seem to want that. You want me in your bed, but not in your heart. It’s not enough for me, Cash.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets. So cool. So unaffected. “I don’t know how to do that, Ella. I—” He swore. “I had a shit childhood. I don’t know what love is. I’ve never had it, so I don’t know how to give it.”
Ella arched an eyebrow. “I had a shit childhood too—at least after my parents died. Love is what makes you so happy inside that you could burst. Love is wanting the best for someone else, even if the best for them isn’t necessarily the best for you. Just because it makes them happy.”
“I want you to be happy.”
“I would be happy with you.”
He blew out a breath and moved away from her. Her heart crumbled as he did so. Because she’d lost him in that moment.
“You only think you would, Ella. You have no idea what my life is like. You’re a princess, and now you can have the lifestyle to go with it. I’m a SEAL. I live my life on the edge. I leave for weeks at a time, often with little notice, and there’s always a chance I won’t come back again. That’s not a life you want.”
Ella frowned. “I think I get to be the judge of what kind of life I want.”
“Yeah, you do. But you need to try this other life before you make that kind of call. You’re still young. Sheltered. You have to experience more than just a forced marriage with me.”
Her heart throbbed. “So you want me to date other men? Sleep with other men?”
He stiffened. Growled. Subsided. “That’s up to you.”
Ella wanted to scream. Just moments ago he’d said he didn’t want it to end like this, and now he was shoving her away like she’d just revealed she had the most deadly, contagious virus ever discovered.
She started to tremble. It was anger, not fear.
“You have no guts, Cash McQuaid. You’re a coward—oh, not in the big stuff,” she said as he spun on her, eyes flashing. “You’ll face down a hundred armed men with your bare hands, but you won’t once risk letting down the guard around your heart. Even if it means you get hurt, even if nothing turns out the way you expect it to and you have to pick up the pieces later, you have to take risks—otherwise, what the hell are you doing with your life?”
Chapter 27
What the hell was he doing with his life?
Cash had been asking himself that question for the past five days. After that explosive confrontation with Ella, things had happened fast. Blade and Camel had returned to the room. The colonel’s secretary had arrived with information about the hotel she’d booked—the Ritz, of course. Nothing but the finest for a princess.
He and his teammates had taken Ella to the hotel and gotten her settled. That was the point at which things spiraled out of his control. He’d been angry, but he’d thought they would still have a chance to talk once they’d both cooled down. Maybe he’d banked on her fondness for him to make it happen. Or maybe he thought they’d be left alone at some point and he’d have his chance.
He’d been sadly mistaken. As soon as they arrived at the hotel, the calls and parade of people started. Lawyers, hairstylists, personal shoppers, real estate agents, bankers, and finally, a new security team.
Cash hadn’t wanted to leave her there with Hawk’s people, especially since these were different people than the ones who’d been with them in Vegas, but he’d had no choice. Once Hawk’s team signed on, the SEALs were done. They had jobs to do and missions to prepare for back at HQ.
So he’d been coming in early for the past five days, spending time on the gun range blowing up targets—and blowing off aggression—while watching the news for glimpses of Ella.
He’d been rewarded a few times. There was footage of him and Ella in Las Vegas, but no mention of the state of their marriage. When Ella was asked where he was, she said he was busy working. Mendez had said they should stay married for another month or two, but for all Cash knew, a set of divorce papers could arrive any day.
Ella’s aunt and uncle were out on bond after being charged with fraud. They’d been forced to vacate the Virginia mansion where they’d been living for the past twenty years, along with Ella’s cousins. Apparently her father had owned the estate as well as the Rossi fortune, and it had only ever been in trust to her aunt and uncle while they raised her. She’d been due to inherit everything on her twenty-first birthday, which had come and gone while her aunt and uncle kept racking up the debt and forging documents in Ella’s name.
Sheikh Fahd stayed in the Middle East, doing deals for oil and secretly—or not so secretly—supporting the Freedom Force in their bid to overthrow the king.
Cash was happy for Ella. He was also somewhat jealous of the man who always appeared with her. He was a security guard, but a handsome one w
ho always seemed to have a hand on her elbow or against her back, guiding her. Former military, because Cash recognized the posture and mannerisms. Maybe he’d already insinuated himself into Ella’s bed.
That was a thought that sent Cash back to the range with more ammunition. When he started pretending the targets wore that guy’s face, he knew it was time to quit for the day.
“Hey, going to Buddy’s?” Camel asked when they bumped into each other in the locker room.
Buddy’s Bar & Grill was a spot where they hung out during their off time, playing pool, eating fried food, and watching sports on the various televisions hung around the place. It wasn’t fancy, but it was good food and cheap entertainment.
He didn’t want to go. He’d have to be social, have to pretend nothing was eating him up inside while he laughed and flirted with the waitresses.
And then, because it pissed him off that he’d even considered saying no when he never would have before, he said, “Yeah, I’m going.”
Cash did his workout, cleaned up, and headed out for Buddy’s. Everyone was there when he walked in. The noise practically knocked him back through the door when he opened it. Laughter and voices swarmed over him in an aural wave that froze him on the spot. He started to turn and go, but Viking waved at him.
Cash walked inside, let the door shut behind him, and headed over to their group, which was gathered around a couple of tables. Alpha Squad was there and Echo as well. The tables were packed with operators and their significant others. Cash surveyed the scene as he strode over.
Viking and Ivy. Cage and Christina. Cowboy and Miranda. Richie Rich and Evie. Knight Rider and Georgie. Billy the Kid and Olivia. Kev and Lucky. Hawk and Gina, as incognito as she could possibly be in a bar with a hat hiding all that famous blond hair. Brandy and Victoria. Iceman and Grace. Flash and Emily. Fiddler and Sophie. Double Dee and Annabelle. The only ones missing were Mendez and Kat, but nobody really expected the commander and his lady to hang out with the operators.
Ghost was there too, but over in a corner with a leggy brunette with long, daggerlike nails. The deputy commander liked to drop in from time to time, check things out. At least Ian Black wasn’t there, though Cash wouldn’t put it past him to show up. Not that anybody really liked Black.
HOT SEAL Bride: HOT SEAL Team - Book 4 Page 19
