“It’s great. Hold still.” She pulls out her cell phone and snaps a couple of shots.
I try not to duck and run. It’s hard to look directly at the lens. I don’t always manage, looking away to the trees where dozens more birds are waiting. My smile is impossible to contain though, and honestly I don’t really try. It feels too good to let loose.
I don’t have a lot of experience with letting loose. The tattoo around my calf was probably the first time in five years that I managed it. Before that had been coming to California for school, but then I’d backed away from the reality of hard choices and adaption by hiding in the tempest Jody created for me.
I lift my hand and slowly turn my palm to the sky. The bird on my wrist travels with me until it’s standing in my palm. There’s a shaft of sunshine over both of us. I really am Sleeping Beauty or something. If only I could sing. “This is so fun.”
“I’m glad.” Cai’s hair slides like silk from her shoulder to cascade down her chest. Her neat, pleat-front shirt catches black strands. “It’d really suck if I brought you here and then it turned out you were afraid of birds.”
“Who’s afraid of birbs?” I coo at the green friend standing on my hand. “Birbs are adorabubbles. Tumblr says so.”
“Meme addict.”
“Only the good ones.”
I like the way she looks at me. I can’t put my finger on what it is, but it makes me feel … appreciated. Wow. That’s such a sad state of affairs. I crave being appreciated. That’s not something that I should have been missing considering I was hours away from being married.
Next time. I’m not screwing it up next time. I’ll pick someone who looks at me the way Cai looks at me. It can’t be her, since she’s made it perfectly clear she likes things uncomplicated, and I know I’m not ready for diving back in to forever. I don’t deserve forever with someone if I can’t keep Jody out of my thoughts for more than ten minutes. It’s like she haunts me. My own personal Jack the Ripper. I’m mentally looking over my shoulder every three seconds, wondering what it is about me that made her select me. Made her choose me as the kind of girl who could be bowled over and used.
A polite announcement that the facility will be closing in fifteen minutes floats from concealed speakers among the trees. I put the cup of nectar on my palm so my particular bird friend can finish it off. I love his weird, tube tongue.
“You’re a silly bird,” I coo. “Aren’t you? You like it in here? Do you like your tribe? Got a girlfriend?”
“Nope, I don’t,” Cai answers.
I laugh. “Gosh, I should hope not, or it would be really cruddy of you to invite me out.”
“No worries.” She pulls closer to me, wrapping an arm around my waist. The birds on my shoulder flutter away, but then one comes back to land on Cai’s head. “Crap! What the hell!”
Her words are filled with laughter, not sharpness.
“Here, hold still.” I try to shoo it away, but it’s got its finger-claw things wrapped in Cai’s black hair. “Get off her.”
“I don’t think it speaks English.”
“Maybe the problem is that I don’t speak lorikeet.”
“You should get on that.” She gives it a little push, but it doesn’t like that. It lets out a string of chirping. “I think I just got cussed out in lorikeet.”
My blood pressure is rising enough that my ears are tingling. I gulp. “Come on, birdie. It’s locked tight. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Cai says, and then she hands me her empty cup of nectar. “Here, hold that. Maybe he’ll get away from me if I don’t have anything good.”
Except the worst happens.
I see his tail feathers lift and flutter, and I don’t know how, but I know what he’s going to do before it happens. Every cell I have cringes. The world slides sideways into slow motion. I flap my hands at the bird, and Cai’s face contorts into confusion, but it’s too late. Oh, too late.
The bird poops. The bird poops all down the back of Cai’s perfect hair. It oozes. I die. Utter mortification makes me into a human goo pile. I can’t freaking believe this.
“Oh! Oh, I’m so sorry!”
“Not your fault, baby.” The bird finally launches away and flies to a close-by branch. I feel like it’s taunting us with loud tweets. I frown at it. “How bad is it?” she asks me.
“Oh. Um.” I lift my hands as if I’m going to wipe it away, but then pull back at the last second. There’s no way I’m touching the viscous, sticky stuff. There’s flecks in it. Poop covers the back of her head. “Yeah, not great.”
“Putting a helmet on is going to be so not cool.”
“I’m so sorry!” I catch my hands together, linking my fingers. “So sorry!”
“You have zero responsibility in this situation. I promise.”
I don’t understand. Her mouth is turned into a smile and her dark eyes are twinkling. It’s like she really means it. “I should have pushed it off you faster.”
“I have two perfectly able-bodied hands. I could have done it too. But, come on, I need a bathroom ASAP.”
We find her one just outside the lorikeet enclosure. She bends over the sink to rinse her head, and I help as best I can. The dribble of the low-usage faucet is about as warm as a coffee that’s been sitting out for an hour.
“At least it’s not frigid,” Cai says.
“That’s being generous.”
“As long as I don’t get bird poop in my eyes, I can afford to be generous.”
That makes me laugh, but I feel like I shouldn’t, so I bite my lip and hold it in. Cai peeks up at me from between damp chunks of hair. “You can laugh. I look like a goofball.”
“Maybe.”
“Definitely.”
“Well. If you insist.” I release my giggles. The way I can only see one of her eyes peeking out from between hanks is incredibly absurd. “You look pretty damn ridiculous.”
“There we go. Now scrub while you make fun of me.”
I get a handful of paper towels and go back to wiping away what Cai can’t see. We’re both laughing, which makes it a hundred percent okay with me. I get closer and closer to her, until we’re hip to hip. It’s just for convenience at first, so I don’t lose my balance leaning over her and the counter … and then it’s more.
There’s heat between us. Our feet become intertwined somehow, layered over so that the toes of her boots are against the arch of my sneaker. It’s the barest bit of pressure, but it’s in a place where I don’t know I’ve ever connected with another human being. A variety of footsie that I know I haven’t experienced before. Or if I did, it didn’t feel like this. Sure as heck wasn’t overwhelming enough to obliterate the fact that I’m washing bird poop out of my date’s hair.
“I am so, so sorry,” I say again. She peeks up at me and doesn’t say anything, but I can hear her telling me to stuff it. I blush a little. “I can’t help it. I was bred to be polite. Especially to my elders. Nanna Ethel saw to it.”
“Elders? I am so going to make you regret that.”
“I don’t believe you.” I get a wad of paper towel from the dispenser on the wall and wrap it around Cai’s hair so she can stand up.
She takes the brown paper from me and scrubs her head. “Did I get it all?”
“Bend down?” I like how much taller than me she is. It’s only five or six inches, but it’s enough for me to enjoy my girliness. I gently squeeze out the wet. She lets me, rather than taking over the job. I like feeling useful to her. “Yeah, I don’t see anything. I’d still probably take a Silkwood shower if I were you. All the scrubbing, head to toe.”
“Want to join me?”
“No way!” I shake my head. “That is not appealing. Nuh-uh.”
“Okay, fine.” She catches me by the waist, pulling me closer. “Want to join me once I’m clean and shiny?”
My blood thickens and settles in my pussy. I lick my lips, and my mouth feels as dry as if I’ve been eating sand. Swallowing is hard.
It’s not that we’re pelvis to pelvis, or at least not only that. It’s the strong way she has hold of me and also the way she’s looking at me. She’s hungry. For me. It’s hard to believe that someone as beautiful as her would even want me. But I can’t deny what I see. Her lips are parted and I want to taste her.
I don’t know where I find the courage, but I lean forward and press an open kiss to her plump bottom lip. I trace my tongue over her satin skin. “My place is close. Only a few miles away. It’s about forty minutes.”
“I bet I can make it less than that on my bike.”
“I’d like that.”
Tansy
The ride to my apartment is exhilarating. I’ve never felt speed in the same way as this. I’m learning to trust Cai’s command of the motorcycle. She holds it between her legs as if it’s an extension of herself and her soul. The buzz works into my bones and then becomes a part of me. The scents and sounds of the city flood in on me but then are gone again before I can even grasp them.
Cai dips between cars enough that I feel we’re being risky, but not so much that it really feels dangerous. When she passes a Volvo, I get a glimpse of the middle-aged driver scowling at us. I laugh and blow a kiss. His eyes go wide, but then he’s in our dust. It’s blissful.
I can be big and bold too. I can be someone strong. It’s inside me, and it’s just been waiting to break free. I’m dying a small death and restarting my entire existence all over again. I wish I could ride with my arms thrown wide and only my faith in Cai’s driving holding me steady, but I’m not ready for that.
Instead I turn my face upwards. It’s the same whooshing excitement as being on a rollercoaster for the first time. The feeling that I don’t really know what’s coming, and I’m perfectly content with that.
It’s not a thing I’ve felt very often.
Even back home in Idaho, I tried to map every step. It was safer that way when I had such a big secret to hide. Just because my family was okay with me being gay didn’t mean that the rest of my small town would be comfortable with it. It was easier to live a careful life. I was lucky to even have Beth in town to be my first girlfriend. Otherwise it’s been only Jody.
And now I’m going to have Cai.
She slows down as she pulls into my neighborhood and cruises through the wide boulevards. “How is it all this green? Hasn’t anyone told them about water conservation?”
She has a serious point. The lawns are emerald green and palms aren’t the only trees. It takes a lot of water to sustain this level of lushness. At the same time, I sometimes forget that this is unusual. It’s this green back home, after all. “I think their water bills must be more expensive than my car payment.”
“At least.”
GPS tells her where to pull to the curb, and then I point over her shoulder at the carriage house. “Over there. Park on the west side.”
There’s a spot designated for me, but of course I left my car parked down the street from the restaurant. I’ll have to go get it tomorrow. Will that count as a walk of shame? I’m a little bit excited. I’ve never done one before.
My legs are wobbly when I climb off Cai’s motorcycle, and it’s only partially because of the strength I used to hold on to her hips. Cai secures her helmet first, then the one I hand her, and then she reaches out for me.
I go into her arms as easily as breathing. We’re sheltered between the ivy-covered brick of the carriage house and the equally ivy-covered fence at the edge of the Lowenstein’s property line. I read The Secret Garden as a child. Places like this, tucked away from the world, can create their own sort of magic.
Cai holds my face between her hands. Her fingers are shaking, which makes my breasts tighten in response. We’re so keyed up. My eyes dance, trying to take in each line and inch and color of her features. Her mouth is a firmer line than I would have expected.
If she’s gearing up to say something serious, I don’t want to hear it. I place my fingertips on her mouth. “Don’t have second thoughts before we even have firsts.”
“Tansy …”
“Let’s go shower.”
I lace her fingers through mine and tug her toward the wrought-iron and rosewood door that leads to my private stairs. My apartment is the top floor of the garage. Most of my belongings are still haphazardly stacked in boxes, even though I’ve been here close to two months. It’s hard to bring myself to unpack when I know everything inside the boxes is such a jumble. I shoved everything in as fast as I humanly could while Jody was away from the apartment. I hired a service that specialized in emergency move-outs. They had my whole life packed up in less than a day.
If I’d been home in Idaho, it wouldn’t have been like that. I’d have had people ready to help me.
When I open each box, I don’t know what memories to prepare myself for. Sometimes I can’t do it.
I ignore it all, and blissfully Cai doesn’t ask any questions. I don’t even flick on the lights as we go. The sun coming through the uncurtained windows is plenty, even in my bedroom.
I stop just inside the door. “I should get you a towel.”
“You should get a few towels.”
She’s so sure of herself. I gulp and nod. My excitement and my nerves are warring for control of me, but it’s my pussy that throbs with need and sneaks in to win the day. “This way,” I say, and Cai follows me again.
I think this may be the only time the rest of the afternoon that Cai will be following me instead of the other way around.
The bathroom was redone a few years ago and shows it. The sink is a bowl above the line of the counter that looks lovely now but will scream mid-2010s in a few years. It won’t matter, since the Lowensteins will quickly have it remodeled.
I love the shower. It’s such a huge expanse of tile and space that there’s no need for anything so tacky as a curtain or a sliding glass door. That would be entirely beneath Essie Lowenstein’s taste. Most of the bathroom is tiled in pale-gray herringbone, but the shower is slightly sunken and delineated with ocean pebbles sliced flat to make mosaic tile. Fluffy towels are rolled and waiting in a square teak basket at the edge.
I make myself busy flicking the water on. The main showerhead is square, but there’s also a handheld option. “It’s nice, right? Essie’s mother lived here for a few years, but then she decided Southern California wasn’t warm enough for her. She moved to Boca Raton. I’m lucky they don’t believe in renting out.”
“‘Don’t believe’ …” Cai echoes me, but then trails off. “What does that even mean?”
“They don’t trust randos on their property?” I shrug. “They’re rich as Croesus. Albert Lowenstein made his money in plastics and then came out to California in the sixties to work hand in hand with Boeing. It’s his son who runs everything now. Timothy.”
“I don’t think my mom ever knew that much about my teachers or my teachers knew that much about us. I guess we’d have been a way more boring story.”
Her words choke off, and I freeze with my fingertips in the rain spray of the faucet. I can hear her unspoken words. A boring story … until. I can’t imagine how effectively such an event must have marked her family as definitively as AD or BC. Except instead of anno Domini, theirs really would have been after death.
I don’t know if I’d have been able to ever get out of bed if I’d been Cai. Certainly not if I’d been Cai’s mother. The sheer injustice of my daughter’s destruction at the hands of a madman would be enough to make me scrabble for bottles of pills. Go to bed and never get up.
The tantalizing flavor of too many Xanax rides on the edge of my tongue. It’d be so sour that I’d have to resist the urge to vomit. A dangerous pleasure. Something that can’t be found and will never be lost. It lurks in the dark and waits for me to get too sleepy to defend myself.
I push it all away. I’m not there. It’s far enough gone that I’m okay now. I’m fine.
When I turn around and physically look away from my past, Cai is my reward.
S
he’s naked, in a way. The tattoos decorating her skin are her only protection. Her slacks are a pool of gray pinstripe on the tile, and she’s standing in front of them. A pair of vaguely boy-style briefs covers her hips and her mons. Her button-down shirt seems as gone as a will-o’-the-wisp, or at least I can’t seem to look away long enough to spot it. Because, oh, her breasts are glorious. Absolutely perfect.
I’m drawn closer to her. I’m half afraid to touch the swaths of ink across her hips and waist and arms, but once I manage to begin, it’s like she’s been inked with magnets. I can’t stay away. My hands lift and cup her tits. Her nipples fit exactly in the crease between my thumb and palm. My fingers cover her skin. She’s pale brown with warm undertones, but a lighter version than along her arms and face and neck. Cai is not a friend of the sunshine, but she doesn’t seem the least bit ashamed of that even though we live in a sun-mad world.
She pushes the thick sheaf of her still-damp black hair so that it falls down her back. She’s giving me every inch of her skin that I’d like to take. When she lets her hips shift, she lifts her breasts into my touch.
I skim over her. This is a miracle and she’s a fairy. Wait, I think that’s mixing up religion and myth. Am I breathing? I feel as lightheaded as if I’ve been holding my breath, but I think, if anything, I’m practically panting. My heartbeat is such a rush it feels like one swelling pulse that owns me.
Maybe Cai owns me.
I bite my lip since I can’t think of anything appropriate to say. She makes a noise in the back of her mouth and cups my jaw. Her thumb brushes over my lip, pulling it away from my teeth. “Little one.”
It doesn’t sound like a question, but it feels like one. “Yes.”
“I’m going to shower. Come to the edge. Wait for me.”
“Okay.” I find myself nodding as she walks past me.
She pushes down her panties as she walks. They cling to her hips for a moment, and then she keeps walking, and they fall to the floor without even trying to trip her up. It’s like watching a magic trick made of seduction.
Even her bum is a perfect upside-down heart. The curves draw my eye toward the center of her back, where two little dimples wait. I want to drop to my knees to worship them with my tongue.
Her Hometown Girl Page 8
