Dazed (The Deliverance Series Book 1)

by Maria Macdonald

  We started drinking before we got here and because Caden has a fake ID, we continued once we were through the doors. I needed to drink tonight, and knowing Caden is around and Morgan has promised not to leave me, I feel safe, happy, and free… for once.

  When we stumble out of the club a few hours later and are all a little happier, Caden suggests a beach party he’s heard about from the guy he was chatting to almost all night. Morgan is super enthusiastic, and although I’m starting to tire and I’m not sure silver heels are the best match for sand, I agree.

  We catch a cab, relief sweeps through me when Caden pays the fare, and within about ten minutes, we’re at the beach. I can see the flicker of more than one bonfire, and as soon as the cab door opens, the noise of music and people invade my ears. I pull my pumps off and let them swing from my fingers as I follow my friends across the sand. Caden and Morgan have definitely had more to drink than me, and with the cold air, I now feel pretty sober especially as I spot Tarrant.

  Caden and Morgan continue walking to one of the bonfires, oblivious to the fact that I’m stuck in the sand. I keep my eyes on Tarrant and check him out while he’s not looking. He has a plain black tee on and worn gray jeans. As though he knows I’m there, his eyes meet mine, and I hesitate for a moment wondering whether to go over. He bites his lip, containing a smile, and I narrow my eyes practically marching over to him, defiance in my every step.

  I scooch down on the log next to him, looking around surprised that he doesn’t have some girl hanging off his arm as usual.

  “Heard what you did to Selina, pretty badass,” he says grinning and nudging my arm with his.

  “Don’t know why you’re laughing, you were fucking her the other week,” I snap, and I’m shocked at my own anger.

  “Damn, Lemon, didn’t expect you to turn into a bitch. Are you trying to take her title already?” he asks smirking. I move to stand, but he grabs my arm and pulls me back down. “Shit! Lighten up, Lemon. I always thought you were chilled.” He chuckles now.

  “Fuck you,” I say smiling at him and shaking my head.

  “Friends?” he asks, and I nod. My heart breaks a little, but I know this is for the best, especially as my eyes catch onto Caden’s, and I can see the concern in them. I smile at him, and although his worry doesn’t lessen, he does give me a tiny nod before turning to talk to some guy.

  “He’s the good guy, you know?” Tarrant asks, and I look at him to see his eyes on his brother’s back.

  “You do yourself an injustice,” I state with certainty.

  “You don’t even know me.” His words are sharp.

  “Maybe, maybe not. But I can still have my own opinion,” I tell him.

  He laughs humorlessly and tries to scorch me with his stare. Then he turns away and grabs a stick. I sigh when I think he’s not going to say anything more, but he surprises me when he speaks quietly, “I’m no good.” He pokes the long stick into the fire. “Like this tinder.” Tarrant swings his eyes back to me for a moment, and anyone else would see a hooded need in them, but I see more, I always see more. There’s a guarded hope reflecting back at me, hidden behind the shuttered emotions which are quickly tarnished by his arrogance. “I burn hot, baby. I burn bright… but I burn fast.”

  His face is suddenly stripped bare of all emotions, and he becomes blank. “Most girls want the logs, they might think they want the tinder because it ignites so quickly, the fire is instant, but in the long run, they want something that will last.” He directs his gaze back to the pit. “They take longer to burn and might not burn as bright, but they outlast the tinder every time.” He shrugs as if the words he spouts don’t affect him at all, but when he once again faces me, I can see the truth, I can see the pain. “The logs are what you need, Lemon. Tinder is only good for catching sparks.” His stick smashes into the center of the blaze, and it crackles as the heat swallows the wood. I tear my eyes from the dancing flames, but I’m not quick enough, his body is already being eaten up inside the crowd as yet again, he walks away.

  I try desperately to focus on the text inside the book. I chose sociology because most of the time I love it, but when my brain’s mushy and I feel overwhelmed, something has to give. That something shouldn’t be my studies, but fuck, I’ve been an excellent student. I’ve worked my ass off and everyone deserves to have some time off… right?

  “Laura, why haven’t you started writing yet?” Mr. Portman inquires.

  My shoulders slump and I look up at him. He pushes his glasses up his face. He must be at least forty-five and where some men are sexier with age—I mean just look at George Clooney—he isn’t one of them. “I’m trying, but my heart’s not in it today,” I tell him honestly. He glares, narrowing his eyes, and it pisses me off. This is college, and yeah we can’t act like assholes—my eyes move to one of Selina’s friends who gives me a dirty look back—but we’re supposed to be treated like adults.

  “That’s not good enough,” he tells me.

  “Well, it will just have to be,” I shoot back. His eyes widen and he sputters, but I don’t look away from him. I can see he has no idea what to do—the usual slimy demeanor he uses on me has disappeared now, and if nothing else I’m thankful for that.

  “See me after class,” he orders walking away.

  Not what I need. I close my eyes, but fuck, I can’t seem to find it in me to care today.

  I head to lunch after an ear bashing from Mr. Portman and a deserved one at that. I may have said some things that if I weren’t such a good student, I would have been kicked out for. As it is, he’s decided the best thing for me would be to move me into Mrs. Sandwick’s class, another sociology professor, so it’s a win for me.

  I drop down into my seat next to Morgan and opposite Caden, and they both look at me and then each other.

  “What’s up?” Caden asks, the ever dutiful boyfriend.

  I look at him then Morgan. “Mr. Portman kept me behind,” I tell them.

  Morgan’s eyes widen, she knows I think he’s creepy, and she agrees with me that his behavior toward me has been odd and uncomfortable.

  “Why? What the fuck happened? Are you okay?” she rambles out the questions.

  I smile at them both. “I kind of deserved it ‘cause I couldn’t really be bothered in class and told him as much.”

  “So what happened when you spoke to him?” Caden asks.

  “He’s moved me to Mrs. Sandwick’s class instead of his,” I inform my friends.

  “That’s great, but why?” Morgan questions.

  “I told him I was sick of his shit and sick of his creepiness. I may have shouted a little about how it was disturbing. I also said that I had been a good student so he could fucking lay off.”

  Their eyes widen. “You said those exact words?” Morgan asks.

  I shrug. “Yeah, well those and some others.”

  “Well, tell us then.” Caden groans, eager to pull the information out of me.

  “I may have told him that if he carries on being a perv, I was going to kick him in his old man balls and write my name in the dust that comes out of them.”

  “Old man balls? You have some weird thoughts, Lemon,” Tarrant drawls from behind me as Caden and Morgan laugh. I feel his hand on my shoulders like a brand, searing me. I look up, and he doesn’t look any less sexy from this angle. Asshole.

  Tarrant smiles at me. “You good?”

  I nod then acknowledge to myself that he called me ‘Lemon’ in front of his brother. Although with Caden laughing and Tarrant speaking softly, I don’t think Caden heard anyway.

  His eyes move away from mine to meet his brother. “Mom wants to talk to us both tonight. Can you be home at six?”

  Caden nods but narrows his eyes. “Why?”

  “No fucking clue, but I dread to think,” Tarrant replies.

  “You wanna sit?” Morgan asks scooting her bum over.

  “Naa, I have class.” He winks at her, and I can almost feel her body melt.

  I glan
ce over to her my lips pursed, and she shrugs one shoulder and offers an ‘I’m sorry’ face.

  “I’ll walk with you,” Caden tells Tarrant, and I can feel his surprise as his fingers bite into my shoulders. I smack one of his hands with mine, and he must realize what he’s done because he gives me a little rub then let’s go before walking away.

  “Later,” they both call to us.

  “Spill,” Morgan says banging her hand on the table.

  “What?” I question glaring at her.

  “What is going on? You’re supposed to be fake dating Caden. I thought you said that your feelings don’t run deep?” she whispers.

  “Shut up,” I whisper back.

  “Come on,” she says grabbing my bag and walking off. I huff and quickly rush after her. “You got class today or work?” she asks.

  “Work this afternoon. I have the late shift.”

  “Okay,” Morgan says stopping and pulling me into an empty class. “If you have to go to work soon, then make this quick okay? Fill me in. Are you and Tarrant still pretending not to like one another? You still believe you can deal with these feelings you have? That they’re not growing into something bigger?”

  I slump down at a desk. “There is a chemistry and tension, that’s for sure,” I admit.

  “No shit, Sherlock, everyone can feel it. Do you not get why Caden is worried?” she questions with a frown. I look at her and frown right back. Morgan gives a small shake of her head. “You wouldn’t see this as it’s actually about you, but the tension between you and Tarrant is glaringly obvious. I mean it’s a little touch or look here and there. I don’t think either of you realize you’re doing it for the most part, but let me tell you, it’s thick in the air and very visible. It won’t be long until other people start really picking up on it.”

  I lay my head on the desk and stare out the window.

  “I think Caden is worried that these feelings aren’t real… not for Tarrant anyway. I mean, he gets that whatever these feelings are can’t be explored without him fessing up about his sexuality, and that is his biggest fear, but he also really wants to take that leap. Personally, I think what’s going on between you and Tarrant is the push he needs to get it done, and in the end, I think owning who you are is only ever a good thing. Tarrant will be supportive, I’m sure. I have no idea about his parents, but I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

  I glare at her wondering how she can be aware of so much and at the same time be so casual about someone’s life. Then I remember, like me, she doesn’t have parents worth anything, but she does have Max.

  “I like him. A lot.”

  “I think we get that.” Morgan giggles.

  “I don’t think a guy like that is meant to be with one person, especially not at our age and I’m pretty sure if he broke me, I’d remain broken forever,” I confess. Morgan sits next to me and lays her arm across my back. There’s not much she can say because she has no clue what’s going on in Tarrant’s head just like the rest of us. I’m not sure he even knows what he wants most of the time.

  “I also wonder…”

  “What?” she asks sitting up slightly.

  I sit up mirroring her position. “I think… I don’t know, this may sound stupid and honestly, I think it will sound conceited, but I’m only saying it because you’re my best friend—”

  “Spit it out!” Morgan yells.

  “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think he’s good enough for me.”

  Her eyes widen. “Well, that has to be the biggest load of horseshit if he really thinks that,” she states.

  “I know,” I reply rubbing my palm down my face. Suddenly, I’m exhausted again.

  “You’re stuck in a tight spot. You either need to give it a shot or back off completely,” Morgan advises me.

  “That would be easier to decide if I didn’t have this thing hanging over my head with Caden,” I moan.

  “Shit. True. What the fuck are you going to do?”

  I scowl at her. That’s the damn problem. I have no fucking clue.

  I’m four hours into my shift, and it’s a little after eight when Caden comes into the store. I put down the pricing gun and walk over to him. Colin glares at me but I glare right back. I’m tired of his shit. I’m tired of all of the shit, and ever since I kicked Selina in the crotch, I’ve decided I’m not taking it anymore.

  “What’s up?” I ask coming to a stop in front of him.

  “Mom and Dad are apparently getting back together,” he tells me, his face grave.

  “That isn’t a good thing then?” I ask treading carefully.

  He rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t think so. I mean I’ll support Mom’s decision, whatever, but Tarrant is pissed. He stormed off, and I think he went to work on his car… he usually goes to the garage when he’s upset.”

  My stomach somersaults when I think about Tarrant upset and alone.

  “It’s also pissing on my plans to tell my family the truth,” he groans. “Shit, sorry I sound like a selfish prick. I just need…”

  “I get it,” I soothe gripping his hand in mine. “You were working yourself up to tell them your secret. You were getting braver—”

  “Yeah, but now I’m scared that I’ll lose that courage as the days tick by. Shit! I should care more about my mom getting back with him,” he snarls.

  “Give me a minute, all right?” I ask, and he nods, squeezes my hand and lets me go. I walk into the storeroom and pull my cell out of my bag calling Mrs. Edwards. After explaining that I have a personal emergency, she tells me to go, that I never have to worry. Apparently, I’m one of her most reliable members of staff, and she also tells me that Colin can work on his own for the rest of the shift. I’m relieved as I grab my stuff. Luckily it isn’t long until the store closes anyway, so I know I’m not going to lose much money from leaving early.

  I walk back through the store, and Colin shouts. “Where do you think you’re going?”

  Caden’s eyes narrow. “I’m leaving early. Mrs. Edwards okayed it,” I tell him.

  “I’ll be checking,” he replies.

  “Fucking douche,” Caden mutters to me.

  “Yep, pretty much.” I smile.

  We get in his car and drive around for about twenty minutes, then he stops outside my dorm. “I can’t avoid things forever,” he says.

  “Probably not,” I reply.

  “This is fucked up.” I can hear the sadness in his voice, and it makes my heart ache.

  “Listen, break it down. It’s not all that fucked up. I mean your parents aren’t really your concern. Whether you want them together or not… it’s their life, their choice. If you take a step outside of your own life and try to look in, just for a moment, you’d see that you’re in the same situation. Your life, your choices.”

  “Easy to say,” Caden retorts.

  “True. But you can live without your parents if you have to,” I say pointing to me.

  Caden looks at me and smiles. “True. You didn’t turn out so bad, Button,” he teases.

  I laugh and shake my head at his silliness. “Have you ever thought about maybe starting by telling Tarrant? You know having him in your corner could be a big boost.”

  He lays his head back. “Yeah, I have. I think he’d be fine. He doesn’t give a shit about stuff like that.” He snorts. “I have actually tried to tell him a time or two, but something’s always gotten in the way.”

  The silence hangs between us, both in our own thoughts.

  “I’m gonna head home if that’s okay?” he asks.

  “Of course,” I say nodding. I slip out of the car and stand at the curb watching as Caden drives away. The thought strikes me that Tarrant never leaves without knowing I’m safe in the building.

  I go to walk back to my room, but stop and stare at the ground. Trying not to think too hard, I turn and walk away from my dorm heading for the bus stop. When the bus pulls up, I get on robotically and sit quietly until I reach my destination. I step
onto a street I barely know and walk until I find what I’m looking for. Glancing up, I stare at the building Tarrant brought me to the other night. He might not be there, but I have to try. The gate to the concrete stairs we took the other day is locked, and I groan quietly in annoyance. Then I see the front of the garage he parked in when he brought me here. The metal shutters are down, and I assume it’s locked, so I’m surprised when the small door next to the garage shutter is open.

  Tentatively, I take a step inside. I can hear low music, and the false light inside is bright. A pair of legs with rips in their jeans stick out from under a car, a black car… a car that looks just like Tarrant’s. I see a hand shoot out grabbing for a tool and immediately know it’s him when I see the tattoos covering the corded length of his lower arm. I walk over quietly and pass him what I hope he’s looking for.

  “The fuck?” he snaps and slides out. His eyes change from menacing to soft when he sees me looking down at him. “What are you doing here?” he asks.

  I shrug not sure how much to divulge then decide that Caden didn’t say to keep it a secret, even though he probably also didn’t expect me to come over here and see Tarrant either.

  “Caden told me about your folks,” I explain.

  For a moment he looks disappointed. Then he narrows his eyes. “Figure my brother would whine to his girlfriend,” he snaps and moves back under the car. “Doesn’t explain why you bothered coming here, though.”

  I want to shout at him, let him know I think he’s being an ass, but I can’t because I have this sense that there is more to his feelings for me than just someone who’s off limits to him. For a second, I could see the hurt in his eyes when I told him Caden had come to me. It’s almost like I reminded him that I belong to someone else.