Ellie's hands flew to cover her mouth. Her eyes were large in her pale face. She didn't seem to be able to speak.
He waited, heart thumping, face heated, wishing he'd been able to summon more eloquent words. For a man who worked with them every day, he ought to be able to. But then, he had never been a poet or a wordsmith; he was simply a reporter, reporting things as they were. And now he'd reported his feelings to her, with one important question as well. The most important question in the world.
He waited for her response.
Chapter eleven
She gestured for him to get up. They moved together toward a small bench beside the path and sat down next to one another. She stared straight ahead, her expression torn, her face pale. He sat with his body twisted toward her, his heart wrenched by the look on her face.
He reached for one of her hands, daring to take it between his own. It was cool, smooth, and soft. He stroked the back of it lightly with his fingers. "Ellie, it's all right if you'd rather not. I understand. We… aren't exactly equal in station, and I — I have presumed a lot by asking this. I can be happy with your friendship, if you'll still be my friend. I'm sorry if my question distressed you."
The words cost him pain, but he couldn't stand to let Ellie suffer for his selfishness. He added quietly, "If you wish I hadn't spoken, we need never talk of this again."
"No." She looked at him suddenly and squeezed his hand, putting her other one over top and gripping tightly. "No." Her eyes seemed burned in her head, her gaze fierce and damp, hungry and aching with such a longing as he'd never seen from her before. "No. I know I shouldn't marry you. But I can't say no. I'm not that strong. I love you, Shel. I love you at least as much as you love me. And if I love you more, I don't care. I'd have been happy with your friendship if that was all you ever wanted, but I… I would love to be your wife more than anything in the world. It would be — the happiest day of my life." She choked on the words, and then tore her hands away and buried her face in them.
Her soft, choked sob yanked at his heart. He put his arms around her, for the first time drawing her close, as he'd longed to do since that day they'd met in his office, the most beautiful woman in the world coming in to see him unexpectedly. "Then what's wrong, my — my dear? We can be so happy together, I know we can."
Her shoulders shook, but her tears were silent after that first quiet, jagged sound. He handed her his handkerchief, and she fumbled with it. After a moment, she lowered her hands from her face and looked at him, serious and sad. "I'd love to be your wife. But you need to know I can never give you children. My doctors said—" She looked away, swallowing hard, her eyes filling. "I won't say no to you. I'd love to marry you. But… if… if you wish to change your mind, I'll certainly understand," she finished in a brave, choked little voice.
"Oh Ellie, no." He squeezed her hands, his heart filled with compassion. "Do you think that matters to me? It doesn't. I've often thought, since there are so many children in the world who don't have homes and parents of their own, if one was to have children, surely adoption would be a wonderful option. Being able to have our own naturally isn't a factor for me." He gave her hands another tender squeeze. "I'm happy with our puppies, and knowing the option to adopt is there if we both want to. Most of all, I just want to marry you, my dear Ellie."
She gazed at him, astonishment and relief blooming on her face, along with a huge smile, the biggest smile he'd ever seen. "Oh, Shel! Do you mean it? Really? We'll get married and you don't mind that I can't—?"
He shook his head, his own eyes growing damp. "I don't mind in the least. So is that a yes? You'll marry me?" He held her hands in his own, and they faced each other, sitting on the bench, gazing into one another's eyes as they had not been able to stop doing since that first day.
"Yes!" she squeaked, throwing her arms around his neck. "Yes!"
And then, for the first time in his life, but by no means the last, Shel Silverberg kissed the woman he loved, slowly, softly, and with a heart overflowing with warmth. And she kissed him back.
*
"Sheldon, no! My own son!" Shel's mother buried her face in her hands and wept.
"I don't know what you're upset about, Mama." He faced her calmly. His heart sank at the sight of her distress, but he wasn't surprised; he'd known she'd object. "Mama," he repeated when she continue to weep. "Eleanor is a good woman. She's Jewish, and she loves me. I don't know what more you could possibly want."
His mother raised her tearstained face from her hands. "Someone who goes to my synagogue! A good girl — not — not a…" Her face twisted with a look of dislike and irritation. "Not one of these girls who wishes she was a gentile, parading around in her fancy clothes. Turning my son's head with her big ways!" She looked angry now. "I won't have it! No son of mine is marrying a — a loose, modern, working woman!"
"Mama," he said firmly but quietly. "The woman I love is not 'loose.' I won't have you saying anything bad about her, not if you wish to stay in our lives. I love you, and I will always love you. But I am marrying Eleanor. I married for you once, and that didn't work out. I'm marrying Ellie because I love her. Nothing will convince me to do otherwise."
Mother gasped. She looked at him with large, shocked eyes, her lower lip quivering.
"And as for attending your synagogue, I hardly think it's an issue. If we have children, we'll raise them in the faith. But I'm not going to go back to being orthodox, Mama. I'm living my life as I think it's right. I'll do my best. I'm still your son, and I will always be Jewish. I'm not ashamed of that. But I go to a more liberal synagogue now, and I'm happy there, and I think Ellie will be, too.
"Even if you convinced me to marry an orthodox woman instead, I would never go back to your synagogue permanently. But I'll never stop being Jewish, even if I am not Jewish in the way you want me to be." To soften his words, he leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.
And then he waited for her objections. Because they would come. And more tears. And he would talk with her patiently through both, talk to her until he was weary of talking. But he would not give in.
And next time he visited, she would have accepted it a little more, and the next time after that, a little more. In the end, she would, he hoped, be very happy to have Ellie in her life and would cry happy tears at his wedding, as he very much suspected he would have trouble not doing himself.
*
Ellie twirled in front of the full-length mirror at the dress shop, admiring the wedding gown she wore.
Her family's objections had been mercifully brief. After they accepted she was going to marry, at her age, with her health, and 'below her station,' her sister-in-law had been eager to help her get the perfect, most seasonably fashionable dress.
"I think I might be too mature for this style," said Ellie with a regretful sigh. The dress seemed to have miles of lace and acres of snowy white cloth flowing like a waterfall. And yet it made her look slim and tall and elegant as a movie star. Her!
"Nonsense," said Grace. "It's perfect! It's not as though this was your second wedding. Then I'd have suggested something more quiet and sober. But this proclaims your virginity and the height of your beauty on the best day of your life!" And then she blushed, as if realizing what she'd said. Apparently she wasn't certain her sister-in-law actually was a virgin, and wondered if she'd made an embarrassing verbal blunder.
Ellie schooled a smile. "Yes, very accurate, Gracie. But perhaps better for a young bride than one who's nearly thirty?"
"Thirty's not so old," said Grace, reaching up to plump up her hair. She was thirty-two, Ellie remembered.
Grace sighed, eying the dress wistfully. "I wish I had your figure."
Ellie had been a string bean all through school, anxious about her nearly-flat chest and self-conscious about every single part of her body. Now she twisted and twirled in front of the mirrors once more, and had to admit that the dress made her look more elegant than she'd have guessed was possible.
"I think e
veryone wishes they had a slightly different figure than they did," she said in a quiet conversational tone. "You'll never believe how I envied you when you married my brother. Not for marrying him, of course, but for how you looked. Such a womanly figure. I never thought I would look half as good!"
These words made Grace's cheeks heat with pleasure. Ellie felt good knowing she'd caused it, but it was also the truth. Grace may have grown slightly stouter after having two children, but she was still a lovely woman. A few years ago she'd been unable to walk down the street without turning heads at every step. Even today, people noticed her more quickly than they noticed her sister-in-law. Quiet, pale Ellie had never had that effect, and while she didn't particularly want to turn heads, it would be so nice to look beautiful on her wedding day. And it was a great, steadying source of wonder to her that she could and had turned one head in particular — the only one she truly cared about.
Suffice it to say, Shel had stopped coming to her apartment so much, because now that they were engaged and had started kissing, he could hardly keep his hands off her, or she him. It was as though a dam had burst and neither of them could resist. As their long looks had grown from their every meeting, now their kisses did. Long, delicious kisses — far better than any kisses in the movies, as far as she was concerned.
He seemed to feel self-consciously that he needed to remain a gentleman before the wedding. Which was a good thing, because as soon as they started kissing, all thoughts went out of Ellie's head, and Shel filled her heart and soul and mind with world-spinning passion. She hadn't known one could feel this way, especially an 'old maid' who'd been more or less on the shelf for years.
But oh, she was finding out!
And after we're married, I'll find out even more. Now it was her turn to watch her cheeks color, gazing in the mirror as she turned gently from side to side, admiring her expensive dress. This dress, at least, she must keep from the puppies. At least until after the wedding.
After the wedding…
Oh my, but it was growing warm in here! She fanned her cheeks lightly and desperately tried to turn her mind elsewhere. I'm worse than a teenager!
Chapter twelve
Shel adjusted his yarmulke, though he'd already fixed it at least six times. He regarded himself worriedly in the mirror. The dark suit was presentable, unwrinkled, and clean. His hair was cropped short and neat, tamed further by the yarmulke. If only he could tame his harried frown so easily.
This will be all right. Nothing is going to go wrong!
His brother was here as his best man, inside a synagogue for the first time in years. His sister and her husband were here as well, despite normally going to a much more orthodox synagogue. His rabbi and his friends had reassured him it was normal to feel a bit anxious.
But he didn't feel anxious. He was petrified.
He straightened his cuffs again, took a big breath and huffed it out loudly. I am all right. We love each other, and nothing — nothing — will go wrong.
Ellie's family hadn't been too certain about Shel at first, but had seemed to accept him quickly, once they saw how happy Ellie was. His own relatives had varied in their reactions, but everyone had come to accept Ellie, at least enough to come to the wedding and welcome her to the family.
He'd been looking forward to this day for so long, so why was he absolutely terrified now that it had actually come?
"Shel!" shouted someone. "Come quick! Your fiancée has fainted!"
He hurried out of the changing room. Here he was, nearly ready, and she—
Toward the back of the spacious, airy synagogue slumped a slender figure in white. Ellie. Several women and a few awkward-looking men gathered around her. Grace Goldman, Ellie's sister-in-law, was lifting her up, fanning her with one hand. "Someone, a doctor!" she called.
No. This is not happening. Not on our wedding! Not to my Ellie!
He was barely aware of running. "W-What happened?"
"She just collapsed." Mrs. Goldman looked up at him with tearstained eyes. "We were talking about how lucky she felt, and — and she collapsed."
"Her heart," said Ellie's brother, the egg-shaped Augustus Goldman. "She's always had a weak heart." He looked pale and frightened at seeing his sister slumped on the floor like this. His hands fluttered ineffectually.
"I know. Somebody call a doctor." Shel knelt by his bride-to-be, taking her hand, staring into her pale, still face. "Ellie? It's me." He patted her wrist. "Can you hear me?"
"Give her air! Give her air!" demanded Shel's mother, pushing people back. "The poor girl."
Someone uncorked smelling salts and passed them quickly under Ellie's nose.
Her eyelashes fluttered and she gasped in a breath. "Shel?" Her hand squeezed in his, and she opened her gentle green eyes, staring up at him, looking lost, confused, and embarrassment.
"You're all right," he hurried to reassure her. "You collapsed. I think we'd better postpone—"
"No!" She tried to struggle to her feet. Her sister-in-law made clucking sounds, holding onto her gently, and at last Ellie settled back with a frown. "I'm sure I'm well enough. I just felt… so dizzy." She reached up to touch her forehead, frowning.
"We should have your heart checked," he said as calmly as he could. "Do you have your doctor's number handy?"
What if she wasn't healthy enough? Oh, what if he'd done this to her? He'd already lost one wife, and now he might be losing the woman he loved before they were even wed!
"Of course I do, but…" Her pale brow furrowed and she bit her lower lip. Faint color tinged her cheeks. "Oh dear. I can't believe I've been so foolish. In all the rushing around, I forgot to eat!"
A collective sigh of relief went up from the audience.
"I'm — I'm so very sorry!"
"Nonsense," said Shel. "Somebody find her something to eat."
He knelt on the floor, clasping her hands, smiling down at her with great affection. "I'm sorry you fainted. I'll take care of you from now on, I promise."
She wrinkled her nose, smiling reluctantly up at him. "You goose. We'll take care of each other!"
*
Shel put on a record. One of his favorites, a nice, slow, smooth jazz record. He swayed lightly to the music, closing his eyes.
They had opted to go right to her home after the wedding, to check on the dogs, send them home for the night with Mrs. Fine, and then spend a few quiet days together. Ellie was not strong enough to travel right now. Perhaps she never would be. But the small apartment held all the honeymoon he would ever need. All he ever wanted in life.
Shel had tried pleasing his family when he was younger. That hadn't worked, and it hadn't made him happy. He'd tried ambition, pushing himself recklessly at his job until he earned the position he most wanted, that of editor. And that hadn't worked, either. The job had come with challenges, and he'd begun to miss reporting at times. Most of all, it simply hadn't left him with the wonderfully fulfilled feeling he'd thought it would.
No, there would always be challenges. And he went into this marriage with his eyes wide open, knowing Ellie would need to be careful of her health all her life, and even so probably wouldn't live as long as Shel.
But their days together would be worth living, every single one of them. They were together now, and he had never felt so right within his own skin, so settled and joyous and alive. No matter what, they had each other. And that made every day look like a treasure, instead of a gray burden to be muddled through doing the best he could and wondering why he could never stop feeling restless.
There was not an ounce of restlessness in him today.
They'd agreed Ellie should lie down a bit and recover her strength after the wedding, before they spent any more time together. To be honest, he didn't expect her to be up for any intimacy tonight.
That was all right. He could wait.
He'd waited all his life to be with the woman he loved with his whole heart. What was one more night?
"Shel?" asked Ellie, sounding su
rprisingly hesitant.
He turned, a smile blooming on his face, wide and growing wider. "Yes, my love?"
Her cheeks were pink, and she wore a thin, dainty silken nightgown, see-through and edged with delicate lace. It looked like a cloud, light as cotton candy. And it clung deliciously to all of her most womanly features: her slender waist, the curve of hips and bosom, and her pale, beautiful shoulders. Oh, my. The room was suddenly much warmer.
He took a step forward, couldn't help himself.
"Ellie." His voice came out hoarse and husky. He cleared his throat, feeling as if his hands had suddenly become too large and too hot. "Are you… are you certain this is a good idea?"
She smiled at him, hesitantly but with such warmth in her eyes. "Oh yes, I feel much better now. And you know, I don't think I can bear waiting one moment longer. I've dreamed of you for so long…." She blushed.
He couldn't help the little laugh that escaped him. It was almost like hearing a stranger laugh: the happiest stranger in the world.
He moved nearer and took her gently into his arms. She fit as if she belonged there, had belonged there forever. "My dearest. I've dreamed of you, too." He kissed her tenderly, gently, and with all the passion of his heart. Here was the woman he would be getting to know better and better for the rest of his life. He couldn't wait. He wanted to know every part of her, not just her body but her heart and her soul and her beautiful, intelligent mind.
"Oh, good," she said breathlessly when they broke apart. She gazed at him. Because they were so close in height, she didn't have to look up far. He really enjoyed that about her. Judith had been so much shorter than Shel; he really liked being with Ellie, who made him feel like he was the right size, not too big and awkward.
Worry touched her gaze as she looked at him. "You… you will go slowly, won't you? I mean, I've never…" She bit her lip and blushed harder.
Ellie's Advice (sweet romance) Page 9
