He rubbed her back and mumbled comforting sounds. Why couldn’t they have been this way before? If only she could blot out the last six weeks. The unanswered question loomed. Every second, the creature inside of her grew, its cells dividing, sucking up more nourishment, making its presence known by the nausea and bloating.
“I can’t tell you what to do, but I have an opinion.” His voice was soft, almost beseeching.
She stiffened in his arms and leaned away. The familiar dull ache settled in her chest. “I know you grieve for your child. But this is not the same.”
He lowered his head, and his shoulders shuddered. “She wanted the baby until I killed her brother. We even had names. Luke for a boy and Erica for a girl. The baby died because of me.”
“Lucas, oh, Lucas.” Maryanne hugged him tightly. What could she say? What does anyone say to a parent who lost a child? One he wanted.
He wiped his eyes harshly and clamped his hands on the counter. “It’s not about me. That was more than ten years ago. I have to ask you a question.”
Oh no, here it comes. The lecture. Maryanne squirmed, twisting from his embrace and jumped off the counter. “Have you had dinner? Can I fix you a sandwich?”
He followed her to the refrigerator. “I’m not really hungry. I mean, I haven’t eaten all day, but I don’t have an appetite.”
“I need to eat, or I’ll get nauseous.” She busied herself with the bread, lettuce and slices of luncheon meat. Might as well feed the little monster while it still lodged in her womb. The pregnancy calendar said the baby’s mouth and lips were recognizable as of today.
Lucas leaned against the counter with his arms crossed. “You don’t have to fix me anything. If you want me to leave, just say so.”
What was his problem? From grieving to angry in six seconds flat? She slapped the sandwich onto a plate and shoved it at him. “You can stay if you don’t try to talk me out of the abortion.”
He made a wiping motion with his hands. “Fine. Let’s say you get an abortion. Then what? Will all your problems be solved?”
“No, but I’ll have one less to worry about.”
“Maybe.” He fixed his gaze on her, his eyebrows drawn. “I just want you to think about it.”
“Have you any idea what it’s like? A constant reminder?” She would not give him the satisfaction of whimpering and backing down. She plopped herself on the sofa and stared at the ceiling.
Lucas sat next to her, putting his arm around her shoulders. “No, I don’t. But I will never have the privilege of bringing a life into this world.”
He acted as if this life was precious. She kicked her feet on the coffee table. “No one wants it. No one asked me if I wanted this… this thing that’s taken over my life. It’s not fair.”
“It’s not. But this little one didn’t ask for it either.”
“It’ll never know.” A tear dribbled down her cheek.
Lucas bent and kissed her behind her ear. “But you’ll know and you’ll wonder what might have been.”
“I don’t want to know.” Sobs choked her and pain permeated to her bones. “I want this nightmare to be over.”
“Me too, sweetheart, and I’ll help you get through this.”
“It’ll be over soon.” She couldn’t erase the fact that she’d been raped and violated. “It would hurt too much to continue this pregnancy. I’m sorry you don’t agree.”
“Maryanne?” His voice was strained. “Can’t you consider adoption?”
She closed her eyes and clenched her fists. So this was why he came over. To bargain for the baby’s life. “Can’t you accept my decision and let me get on with my life? Why should I give birth to a rapist’s child?”
“But it would be yours, too.” He massaged her arms and spoke softly in her ear. “It’s only nine months, but you’ll make a difference in that baby’s life.”
She jerked away from him. “Would you give up triathlon for nine months? Give up your Olympic dreams?”
“I’d do it for someone I love.”
His face was earnest, imploring, a beautiful, loving man. But this was her life, not his. She tried to squirm away even as she wanted to snuggle in his arms. Weakly, she held him at bay with her hands on his chest. “No one loves this thing. No one wants it. Don’t you think it’d be better for everyone involved if it just went away? What kind of life would it have?”
His Adam’s apple lurched. “It’s not for us to say. I’ll make a deal with you. I don’t love this baby. In fact, I hate the father. I hate what he did to you. But as long as you’re carrying it, I’ll stay by your side and help you. I’ll quit training and get a job, support you if you can’t work. Then you can give the baby up for adoption, and we’ll go from there.”
“I can’t let you do this for me. It’s not your problem, not your responsibility.” She stood and moved toward the door.
He followed her and tipped her chin to face him. “When I chose to love you, you became my responsibility.”
The man was way too wonderful. It would be so easy to depend on him, let him do the worrying. But she couldn’t let him give up his dreams.
“No, no. I can’t allow this.” She opened the door. “You have your goals and dreams.”
“It’ll only be until next February. I’ll still have two years to peak for the Olympic trials.”
“I-I don’t know.”
“I’ll let you think about it. I swear, I won’t let you go through this alone.” He picked up the bouquet from the sofa and gave it to her. “I’ll be going now. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”
“Sure, thanks for coming by.” She waved and shut the door after him. The sunflower was already wilted, but the lily was fragrant and the daisies smiled at her. She rubbed her lower abdomen. Could she stand another seven months of this, growing bigger, putting her life on hold? For what? A constant reminder of her shame, her stupidity. She threw the flowers in the sink. She’d consider what Lucas said, but at the same time, it had to be her decision.
Chapter 18
Maryanne prepared for work. Despite the morning sickness, she forced herself to eat a bowl of cereal. Before going out the door, she called her father. “Dad, I have an appointment in Modesto, July 8 for a vacuum abortion. Can you arrange for a sheriff to be there?”
“Sure,” he replied. “I’ll contact them to send someone to guard the evidence.”
“I’ll tell Dr. Lee I’m visiting you guys, take an extra day over the long weekend.” Putting him on speaker, Maryanne brushed her hair. “How’s Mom? Does she know I’m pregnant?”
“No.” He sounded angry. “She doesn’t even know you were raped.”
“How’s she doing? I mean, is she taking her medication?”
“Let’s have a pleasant July 4th weekend and leave her out of this.”
“That’s fine, but if someone asks, tell them I had a miscarriage.” She pulled out a compact to check her makeup. “I don’t want people to know about the abortion. Can you keep the news from mom?”
“We’ll visit her at the institution, but don’t you mention it to her, ever.” Her father’s voice was gruff.
“Don’t worry, I won’t.” Her parents had always been mysterious about her mother’s mental problems. Her doorbell rang. “Dad, I have to go. Talk to you later, bye.”
She ended the call and hastily put on lip gloss. The only reason for the miscarriage story went by the name of Lucas Knight. She couldn’t stand the thought of his disapproval, not when he had so sweetly offered to help her through the pregnancy. The door rattled. It was probably Lucas, coming for guard duty.
“Okay, okay,” she muttered and opened the door.
Lucas stood on the doormat with a drawn expression under his lowered eyebrows. He couldn’t possibly have heard her conversation with her dad, could he? Maryanne pasted on a cheery smile. “I was on my way to work. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I came to give you a ride.”
She sidestepped him. “Why? Did you think I’m
sneaking off to the abortion clinic?”
His eyebrows raised with a quizzical expression. “Why are you acting so funny?”
“I have to get to work if I don’t want to get fired.” She stumbled across the threshold.
He grabbed her arm, steadying her. “You’re shaking like a leaf. Did anything happen?”
Sheesh. She’d better calm down or he’d suspect what she was planning. She took a deep breath. “I’m doing great. Still thinking about everything you said last night.”
“I’m glad. I meant what I said about helping you through this. Let me drive you to work today.” He took her hand. “Afterwards, we’ll go swimming while you still fit in your bathing suit.”
Maryanne could barely refrain from rolling her eyes. Did he intend to provoke her or was he just being Lucas? Oh, that’s right. He thought he could talk her into keeping this… thing.
“Not sure if I can. According to you, I’m sneaking off to the clinic, and I’ll be suffering uterine hemorrhaging. Wouldn’t want to turn the pool water red, like Moses did to the Red Sea.”
“Nile River,” he replied. “Give me your keys and I’ll lock up.”
Was he a boyfriend or her personal jailer? She jingled the keys in his face. “I dub ye, Lucas Knight, Protector of the Unborn.”
“Why, thank you.” He locked her door. They walked to his car, and he opened the passenger door for her. “At your service.”
“You know, gallant knight, a woman’s got a right to choose.”
“Sure, she does. It’s whether she can live with her choice or not.” He shut the door.
“Hmm… I can handle it.” Maryanne fished a nail file out of her purse. She waited for him to get into the driver’s seat. “By the way, I’m going to be gone 4th of July weekend. Guess you’ll need to take that shining shield somewhere else.”
“Where are you going? Mind if I accompany you?” He started the car and pulled out of her complex.
“Parents’ place. Don’t think they’d welcome you under the circumstances.”
“Wasn’t expecting a red carpet. How come I get the feeling you’re not exactly welcoming me either?”
“I love having you around,” Maryanne said. “But I don’t think it’s fair for you, driving me around. You haven’t gone running, biking or swimming. How are you preparing for Ironman without going to Colorado? You’re obsessed with a problem that isn’t yours.”
“You are my problem.” He grimaced and hooked a left turn that slammed her against the door.
A flush of sweat dampened her forehead, and she crossed her arms to keep from punching the dashboard. All he cared about was the baby and not how sick she felt having it inside of her. And the horrid rape? Scattered images and sensations attacked her when she least expected. She swallowed a bolt of nausea. The baby would be a constant reminder. How could she be a mother to it? To carry it and give birth?
Lucas stomped on the accelerator and passed a slow moving car. His jaw tightened, erasing his dimple. She took a deep breath. His sweetness and concern covered an iron fist of control. The air was stagnant in his car, and a heavy weight sat on her chest. If he insisted on sticking to her like glue, she might have to call this relationship off. Definitely a first for her.
She opened the window a crack. “Lucas, I don’t recall hiring you as my chauffeur. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I can’t drive.”
“I want to do this. I promised to look after you.” He slowed behind a line of cars as they neared the hospital. After finding a parking spot, he shut off the car and stared straight over the steering wheel.
Maryanne leaned over and kissed his cheek. “You have a big heart. But I have to do what I have to do, and you have to come to terms with what happened in your past.”
A tear snaked from the corner of his eye, and his Adam’s apple bobbled. “All this is bringing it back. I’m sorry if I’ve been hard on you.”
Pain was written over his face, and her heart softened. She didn’t have time for a life-changing conversation before work. He was the best boyfriend she ever had, if she could overlook the overprotectiveness. She hugged him firmly. “Remember, I’m here for you too.”
“You better go before you’re late.” His voice was husky.
“I love you, Lucas Knight.” Maryanne’s lips hovered over his. He lowered his eyes, as if bashful, and pressed his lips to hers. Wanting more, she curled her fingers around his neck and pulled him into a deeper kiss.
Sharp raps on the windshield interrupted them. Vera stood there grinning. She pointed to her watch. “We have to open the clinic. Don’t let Dr. Lee catch you fraternizing with a patient.”
Her left hand lingered in Lucas’ grasp, and he massaged her palm with his thumb.
“I’ll pick you up after work.” His dark tan face lit with a wide grin.
Butterflies fluttered and took flight inside of her belly. How could she think to let him go? After she took care of her little problem, they could forget about this disagreement and look forward to a happy life together.
~~~
Lucas watched Maryanne and Vera enter the Allergy Clinic with their heads together, as if sharing a secret. She had been up to something when he met her this morning. Had she been able to get an appointment? Maybe going to work was a decoy, and she’d sneak out the other side of the building with Vera. He pressed his fingertips to the pressure points between his eyes. A hollowness yawned in his heart. It had to be her decision, but his fists tightened. God help him if she went through with it.
His cell phone rang, and Daria’s number blinked on the display. He already had several missed calls from her, so he pushed ignore to stop the ringtone. Ever since the Olympic trials, when he made the news about missing it with a broken wrist, Daria had tried to regain contact.
A text message popped onto the screen.
Daria: Why aren’t you picking up?
He’d better deal with her and clear his plate so he could focus on Maryanne.
Lucas: I told you no already.
Daria: I want our baby back.
Lucas: You need help.
Daria: Why won’t you help me?
Lucas: I can’t. It was over when you did what you did.
Daria: But I’m sorry.
Lucas: I know you are. But you can’t change things.
Daria: I need you so badly.
Lucas: You’re a married woman.
Daria: You’re the only man who got me pregnant.
Lucas: Have you gotten checked? Maybe something happened.
Daria: I haven’t told Juan. If you get me pregnant, he won’t know.
Lucas: Sorry, can’t do it.
Daria: Same blood type and appearance.
Lucas: I’m turning off my phone. Please, get help.
He powered off his phone and put his head on the steering wheel. The clamping sensation of a migraine pulsated behind his eyes. He couldn’t shoulder all this responsibility. His own grief boiled over every time Daria contacted him. He would have married her, but the stabbing changed everything. Her eyes had narrowed into slits as she sliced her finger across her abdomen. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, life for life.
~~~
Maryanne entered the clinic and greeted the patients in the waiting room. Hunger pangs made her slightly nauseous, but she had no time to stop by the cafeteria. She took care to review every patient’s chart for personal details. When they entered, she made eye contact and asked about family and pets.
By lunchtime, Maryanne was fit to devour an entire buffet table. She grabbed her purse and headed to the cafeteria with Vera.
“Hey,” Vera said. “You haven’t told me what’s going on with you and Lucas. I thought he hated you the last time we talked.”
“You practically accused him of being the rapist.”
Vera took her arm. “That’s what the witnesses say. Not me. So, when are you having the abortion?”
“What? How did you know about it?”
“Frank said th
e church lawyer told him. Your dad’s lawyer issued a court order for the fetal tissue.”
Maryanne clutched her purse and entered the cafeteria. “I have an appointment in Modesto on Monday. Think I can trade cars with you? My electric doesn’t have the range to get that far.”
“Sure, no problem. I thought you would take the pills.”
“Vacuum extraction into a sealed jar is better because the evidence won’t be contaminated. I can’t get this thing out fast enough. My pants are getting tight already.”
“Oh, look.” Vera waved at a tall woman standing ahead of them. “Jen, what are you doing here?”
The woman gestured at her abdomen. “Baby’s hungry. Gotta feed him.” She smiled at Maryanne and handed her a tray.
Great, just great. Another pregnant woman, glowing and happy. Tears prickled Maryanne’s eyes, and she stared at the salad bar, intent on picking out the cranberries from the broccoli salad.
“Maryanne,” Vera said, “this is Jen Jewell, my niece’s stepmother. Jen, Maryanne, my best friend. I’m sure I told you about her.”
“All good things,” Jen said. “Mind if I join you two? I’m getting an ultrasound this afternoon. I just finished twenty weeks.”
“Are you going to find out if it’s a boy or girl?” Vera scooped up a bowl of clam chowder.
Maryanne picked up a few crackers. Everything looked unappealing. The soup resembled vomit, and the lettuce was wilted. She buttered a slice of bread and stuck it on her tray.
“We want to be surprised,” Jen replied with that glow only a happily pregnant woman could have.
“Is Dave going to join you?” Vera moved her tray to the cashier.
“He wouldn’t miss it for the world. But he has a meeting with investment bankers.” She looked at her cell phone. “I hope he gets out on time.”
They paid for their food, and Maryanne trailed the two women to a corner table. Her stomach churned, and she felt lightheaded.
Jen bowed her head and prayed. She had a perfect complexion, and the largest champagne colored diamond ring Maryanne had ever seen. Gorgeous and model tall, her baby bump looked like a fashionable celebrity accessory. Moreover, she had a husband who was thrilled about the baby. Maryanne bowed her head and swallowed bile.
Hidden Under Her Heart Page 14
