Once Ben and Anna were alone in the car the tension between them increased. He watched her fiddle with the temperature controls and turn off the radio, but she didn’t immediately open up with whatever her problem was.
Ben found himself glad for her trouble, because she obviously had no plans to apologize for quitting. And given that she’d already found a new job, she apparently had no intention of returning. That would change though once he talked to Sharpe. Ben would explain that there were rules against poaching another man’s woman…assistant.
“So what did you want to talk to me about?”
“Huh?” Ben asked, lost in his own thoughts.
“You said you planned the party so I would come and you could talk to me. What did you want to say to me?”
He’d been hoping she would have forgotten that part. Once they started talking about her and why she needed him, he hoped that would overshadow everything, including why she was mad at him.
But that smacked a little bit of cowardice to him. He was a grown man who fully accepted his actions. Hiding from them wasn’t the best way to proceed if he and Anna were to move forward…in business.
“I wanted to apologize.”
She turned to him and then quickly turned back as if she forgot she was the one driving. “Seriously? You are apologizing to me?”
“Yes. I didn’t really account for your opinion when making my decision. In hindsight I can see why that might have…hurt you. Also, I was probably more defensive than I should have been. We both said some things in the heat of the moment. I’m sorry.”
He could see her eyes narrow but she kept them focused on the road. “Exactly what are you sorry for, though?”
“I told you. I’m sorry I upset you.”
They approached a red light and once the car stopped, she faced him again. “Do you know why I reacted the way I did?”
“You mean why you quit?”
“Yes.”
“You weren’t happy with my decision to have the stem cell transplantation. You were less happy that I deliberately kept it from you. I understand that. Up until that point you had shared much of my treatment and recovery. But the decision was mine to make and I didn’t want it up for discussion. I didn’t expect you to leave because of it.”
She opened her mouth and then closed it. The light turned green and she resumed driving.
“So you’re apologizing for lying to me and that’s it?”
That irritated him. “I didn’t lie. I simply didn’t tell you my plans. Do you think you were entitled to know everything?”
“Yes.”
Her answer surprised him. Ben didn’t believe he had a person in his life who was entitled to know everything about him. He was purposefully insular and preferred to live his life that way. Then he realized he’d been dancing around the elephant in the car and not very successfully.
“Because we had sex,” he said.
“No, because I thought we were… It doesn’t matter. I was upset about your decision, yes. But also because you shut me out of your life when you made it. After we’d been together. Once you did that, I knew the sex meant nothing to you. I was only a convenience for you that night.”
“I told you, that’s not true.”
“You said it yourself. It just happened. Remember?”
As if he would forget anything he said to her that day. Immediately after they had sex, he thought he had escaped unscathed. She hadn’t needed a postgame breakdown of the event. Amazing. And he assumed that nothing had to change because of one night.
It wasn’t until he finally told her about the stem cell transplant that everything exploded. She’d been furious, angrier than he’d ever seen her.
Hell, she threw a snow globe.
She didn’t say anything to him after that fight, but he’d seen something in her eyes had died. Something he was certain he’d killed.
She was there for him the next morning to take him to the hospital, although they didn’t speak a word to each other. It wasn’t until later, when he was in recovery after chemo and he saw Madeleine at the hospital that he knew.
Anna was gone.
Madeleine never said anything and Ben didn’t ask. It was implied that Madeleine would handle the business end of things and she would hire a nurse to help him when he returned home after his quarantine period in the hospital.
Reflecting on that fight he entertained the possibility he’d been lying then. Maybe he wanted to believe that what they had done that night was nothing more than time-out for both of them. A temporary reprieve from the sickness, done and then forgotten. But if that were true, he wouldn’t still be thinking about it months later.
If Anna was nothing more than a convenience, then he wouldn’t be in this car right now. And if she had felt it was only a harmless night of sex, she wouldn’t have needed to quit.
And that put an entirely different light on this negotiation to get her under his employ.
“We’re here.” She stopped at the top of his driveway and he blinked, thinking he’d been so intent on watching her face that he hadn’t even recognized they were on his street.
“Come in.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so. I’m kind of drained.”
He could see it, too. Her face was pale, which made the freckles stand out. It wasn’t like Anna. Anna was always alive, always on, as if she was constantly filled with energy. This paleness worried him.
“We’re not done talking.”
“I can say what I need to. You’re going to need time to process it anyway.”
Now he was really worried. He reached over and grabbed her hand. It was damp. She pulled it away and wouldn’t look at him.
“Tell me you’re not sick.” She had to tell him that she wasn’t sick. The words had to come out of her mouth now. Panic started to bubble up in his stomach, a feeling he’d never felt before.
“I’m not sick.”
Relief washed through him. “You’re scaring the crap out of me, Anna.”
She looked over and smiled. “Yeah? Well, my news isn’t going to be any less scary.”
“Tell me.”
“I’m pregnant. Three months, to be exact.”
CHAPTER FOUR
ANNA LOOKED AT the clock on her kitchen wall. It was one minute to noon and she held her breath waiting for the minute hand to move. As soon as it did, her doorbell rang. Ever punctual Ben.
After she’d dropped her bombshell on him, he’d insisted she come inside so they could talk about it, but she hadn’t lied when she’d said she wasn’t up for it. Even starting her second trimester, nausea and exhaustion could still sneak up to overwhelm her. And given how pale he’d gotten after the words left her mouth she knew he wasn’t up for a discussion, either. They both had needed some space and time.
He agreed to let her leave on the condition he would come over today at noon when they could have a calm and rational conversation after both of them had time to rest. Anna had gone to her apartment and had crashed hard, falling into a dreamless sleep. In truth, she didn’t know if that was from the baby or from the relief at finally having told him.
Rising, she walked to the tiny foyer, undid the chain on the door and opened it.
Ben was on the other side already frowning. “You didn’t ask who I was.”
“Oh, here we go.” She knew to expect this. Ben was overprotective and paranoid in normal circumstances. She usually gave him a pass because she figured a man who spent over fifteen years with the CIA had a right to always be watching over his shoulder for bad guys. Now that she was carrying his child, she could foresee those protective instincts leaping into overdrive.
Because of the baby, of course. Not her.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me, it’s childish. When someone knocks on your door you need to ask who it is before you open it. It’s a basic precaution.”
“It’s twelve o’clock. I knew you were coming. You’re punctual as all hell. I didn’t need to ask who wa
s on the other side of the door.”
“You’re pregnant,” he said, marching into her apartment. He filled the living room instantly. It was amazing to her. Ben wasn’t especially tall, or particularly buff. But he had this presence that made everyone in the vicinity around him take notice. At least she always did.
“I told you that, remember?” She closed the door and waited for the interrogation to begin. She’d had weeks to prep her answers and felt fairly confident she was going to pass this test.
“How long have you known?”
“Since I took the test maybe two weeks after I realized I was late.”
“So at least six weeks ago, but you waited to tell me?”
Taking a deep breath she mentally ticked through all her very sound, very logical reasons. “One, miscarriages happen most commonly in the first trimester. I wanted to be certain everything was fine and the baby was healthy before telling you anything. Two, you sort of had your hands full with the cancer. I wanted to wait and make sure you weren’t dealing with any type of rejection from the stem cells. Three—”
“No three. No one or two.” He was clearly angry. “I am the father of the child you are carrying and I should have been told!”
Anna jumped. In the six years she’d worked with him she’d never heard him raise his voice. Not even when she had been shouting at him for leaving her out of his life-and-death decision had he ever shouted back.
Instantly contrite, he bent his head and pushed his hands into his pants pockets. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. I’m upset.”
Obviously. Anna wasn’t sure how his admission made her feel. She didn’t know she had that kind of power over him. She didn’t think anything could rattle Ben Tyler. Then again, he’d never been confronted with fatherhood before. It was definitely a game changer.
“Why don’t you sit? I’ll make us some tea.”
“Can you have tea in your condition?”
This time she turned her back on him before rolling her eyes. “I have decaffeinated.”
He sat on the couch as she made her way to the kitchen. She watched him as she filled the teapot with boiling water. He was touching her stuff. The throw blanket she kept on her couch. The decorative pillows she’d picked out. He should have looked silly—someone so incredibly masculine sitting on her deep purple couch surrounded by the electric blue and yellow pillows—but he didn’t. He owned the couch, bright colors or not, the way he owned the room.
She thought about what her life would be like if the kid inside her turned out to be anything like its father. The world would have to watch out having two like him in it.
“It’s not as messy as I thought it would be.”
Anna wasn’t sure how to take that statement. Her office was always neat and orderly—everything in her place. Of course she kept her home the same way. Not that it was hard to keep a one-bedroom apartment neat, but still, all of her possessions meant something to her. Each purchase had meaning and she would never treat her things so carelessly. He should have known that about her. There was no reason for him to assume she would live like a slob. Still, she cut him some slack because she could see he was out of sorts simply being here.
“Okay.”
“You have no pictures.”
Anna carried the two steaming mugs to the living room and handed him one carefully. Glancing around, she pointed at some of the pictures she had hanging on the walls. “What are you talking about? Last time I checked those were pictures.”
“I mean personal pictures. Of you and friends.”
“Neither do you.”
“That’s different.”
“Is it? Neither of us have parents or siblings. We’re both dedicated to our work. It’s not like either one of us spends time at places where we would be snapping photos of ourselves.”
“I guess I just imagined your place differently.”
“Messy and with pictures apparently. Sorry to disappoint you, but this is it. Although not for much longer.”
“What do you mean?”
“My lease is up early next year. They’re converting to condos but the price is a little out of my reach. Not that I want a condo anyway. I’ll need to rent something else for a while. Definitely a two bedroom. From what I understand babies require a lot of stuff.”
He nodded, but looked away from her as he spoke. “I thought you wanted to buy a house.”
“Sure, that’s the dream. And I’m almost there with my savings fund. Luckily for me, Mark pays as well as you do. But I don’t want to simply settle for something. When I buy my house it’s going to be perfect and mine.”
A place no one could ever take her away from. Anna shook her head and tried not to think about what that would be like when that day finally arrived. That would make her too anxious about the money she still had to save and the length of time that would take her to do so. She would worry about possible renovations and furnishings for this future, unknown house. She didn’t want to do any of that until she was ready to buy.
He seemed as though he wanted to respond, but hesitated. Eventually he shrugged. “Makes sense.”
“Do you know I’ve worked with you for six years and this is the first time you’ve ever been in my home?”
“You’ve never invited me before.”
Anna considered that. “True. But then why would an assistant invite her boss over?”
“You were more than an assistant,” he said. “And maybe I’ll get luckier with your next place.”
He put the mug on the coffee table and stood as if he needed to move. Another thing Anna had never seen him do. He wasn’t fidgety. Ever. In fact there was usually a stillness about him that implied his absolute control over everything—including his thoughts, his words, his emotions, hell, even the air around him.
“So you were planning on telling me. About the baby. It wasn’t just because you saw me last night.”
“Yes, I was going to tell you. It’s why I went last night. Do you really think I would hide something like that from you? Beyond any personal considerations, you’re half responsible for this, which means you’re going to help support it.”
“Of course I’m going to support it!”
Again with the shouting. And now he was pacing. Based on his behavior now, Anna wasn’t sure she even knew this man. “Relax. I know. You wouldn’t walk away from your responsibilities. You’re not that guy. I truly only waited to make sure everything was fine. With you and the baby.”
“You never said anything…about not being on birth control.”
It was true. Like every other woman who got knocked up unintentionally, Anna had let the moment take over and had stopped thinking. She wanted to regret her actions. She really did. But she couldn’t. Not the sex and, strangely, not the baby. Realistically, she should be way more freaked out by the whole single-mother thing. But when the indicator on that stick had turned pink she suddenly felt as if this were meant to happen.
“We didn’t exactly do a lot of talking that night.”
He seemed at a loss. “I should have protected you.”
“I should have protected myself. It happened.”
He stared at his feet, avoiding her eyes for his next question. “Did you ever consider having an—”
“Nope,” she said quickly, not even wanting to hear him say the word. She didn’t imagine he was happy about this pregnancy, but she couldn’t stand the thought that he might have wanted her to end it. “My body. My decision. Not your call.”
“No, no…I mean, I’m glad. I wouldn’t have wanted that. It’s not something I could ever see you doing. Hell, you got emotionally attached to the spiders living in my house.”
She smiled and couldn’t stop the rush of warmth that went to her heart knowing even if she had given him the choice, he wouldn’t have wanted to end the pregnancy. Then she crushed that warm, gooey feeling. She needed to remind herself constantly that this would not end with some happily ever after moment.
“An
d for me… While I never considered being a father, this is my only chance.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m sterile. The doctors told me it was a possibility with the heavier dosage of chemo I was subjected to. Before I left the hospital I had them test to be sure and they confirmed it.”
Oh.
She hadn’t thought of that. Naturally she had talked with her OB/GYN about the fact that Ben had gone through chemo prior to them having sex and what, if any, repercussions that might have on her child. While there are some concerns on the impact to the sperm and the possible structural change of the chromosomes, the data so far had not shown any increase in defects normally associated with pregnancy. Which meant her risks were the same as any other woman’s.
However, thinking back on that appointment, the doctor had mentioned how lucky she was. Anna now knew what the doctor had meant. Chemo could not only potentially alter sperm, it could also kill it. Ben’s swimmers had apparently survived his first round of treatment, but no such luck the second time. Talk about timing.
“Wow.” The weight of the responsibility she carried was suddenly much heavier.
He sat next to her on the couch, close but not touching. “At the time it didn’t bother me. I mean, I was convinced I wasn’t going to marry or be a parent. That wasn’t my plan for my life. But now I’m thinking what happened might have been a miracle. That’s selfish, I know.”
It was, but it was understandable. She’d been his last shot. Literally. In a way, it thrilled her to know she’d given him something no other woman would ever be able to give him. It meant she would always be important to him, always be connected to him. At least in that way.
“So you’re…happy about this?”
He took her hand and held it. “Anna, I’m not just happy, I’m ecstatic. I’m worried and nervous about my abilities to parent a child, but I—I don’t know how to say it really. I’ve never felt this way. Like suddenly I’m completely and totally attached to that baby growing inside you.”
His words should have made her happy. It was a good thing he was excited for this baby. She was excited for this baby. But all she could think about was how he had never once felt that way about her. They were attached to the growing life inside of her, but not to each other. There was something tragic about that.
An Act of Persuasion Page 4
