She opened her eyes and walked out into the hallway to get Rita.
“Do you want to wait here at the hospital for your mama, or do you want to take a cab back to the motel?” Rita asked when they were back in the elevator. “Or could you eat something?”
Cissy sighed and used the bottom of her T-shirt to wipe her watery eyes. Now Rita wanted to take care of her.
“I don’t know. I guess I should eat. I might think straight if my gut wasn’t screaming at me.”
“Good, let’s go down to the cafeteria,” she said, and pushed the button to the lobby.
Before they’d gone down three floors, Cissy looked at her battered friend. “Rita, I have an idea I want to run by you.”
Chapter 33
Rita said counting floor tiles and talking to someone others couldn’t see didn’t make Cissy crazy, but she’d never heard a crazier idea than the one Cissy offered when they got downstairs and stood in the cafeteria line.
“It can’t work,” Rita said. “Stop talking like a lunatic. The grief over your grandma is clouding your common sense.”
Cissy’s grief was overwhelming, but her common sense had never felt so keen and on target. If Rita would just calm her mind, she might see Cissy’s point of view.
Rita shuffled a few paces behind Cissy, tray in hand. Her injuries from Daryl were clearly painful. Cissy waited for her to catch up before choosing a table at the far side of the cafeteria. The thought of eating seemed pointless to Cissy, but she’d ignored her stomach for far too long to argue. Dutifully, she swallowed each bite of the meatloaf special and ate four yeast rolls with butter before she broached the subject again.
“I can’t let you go back to Daryl. And it’s not charity I’m offering. You’d be helping me as much as I’d be helping you.”
Rita’s misshapen face turned Cissy’s stomach, but she stared at it because the bruises bolstered her resolve.
“If we wait around until Mama gets here, I’ll have to go back to the state hospital,” she said, allowing herself to sit with the probability that’s where she’d end up by tomorrow.
Rita stared out the large glass windows at the thunderclouds that had blown up in the last half hour. The cafeteria darkened noticeably as if the lights had been dimmed. Soon, the wind howled enough to make the tree limbs scritch against the glass. Goose bumps covered Cissy’s whole body.
“Storm’s a coming,” Rita said, and chewed her nails. Cissy thought to pull her hand away, but that was something her mama would’ve done. If Rita needed to chew on her fingertips, Cissy sure as heck wasn’t going to shame her for it.
Her friend meant they were in for some bad weather, but Cissy wondered if her mama’s storm might be much worse. In the back of Cissy’s mind, where the scariest thoughts hid, she’d buried a fear that her mama would blame her for Grandmother’s death, too. Cissy had killed her mama’s husband and her mother. She might even want Cissy transferred to a prison to be punished properly. On the phone, she hadn’t said she loved Cissy. But then again, Cissy had been too afraid to tell her the same thing. She wouldn’t make that mistake with Rita.
As they ate, Cissy told Rita she didn’t used to believe much in God or fate, but she couldn’t help thinking that something beyond their knowing—something bigger and smarter than their pea brains—was hard at work putting things in motion so they’d know the right decisions to make. There was a reason she and Grandmother wound up in Nashville and that Rita worked at a café just steps from their motel room. Cissy even believed it was necessary for Daryl to be in the picture, or she’d have never thought of asking Rita to drive her to New York.
“There are a gazillion people there. No one would ever find us,” Cissy said, thinking back to the travel books she’d read and the stories she’d pried from Dr. Guttman. “And I could help take care of the baby when she’s born.”
“She, huh?”
“Well, there’s a fifty-fifty chance I guessed right,” Cissy said.
“But I have a job here,” Rita said. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“You can waitress anywhere. And you won’t be a waitress forever. Don’t you think we’d have a lot more opportunities in New York?”
Rita pushed her piece of pie toward Cissy after she’d finished her own in four bites. Rita’s unwillingness to talk about the option of leaving Nashville, though, planted a seed of despair in Cissy’s gut and soured her on a second dessert. She pushed it away, much to Rita’s surprise.
“You don’t want to go with me because you think I’m a real crazy person. I guess I can’t blame you.” Cissy lowered her head.
“Shut your mouth!” Rita hissed. “You’re the best thing to happen to me and I won’t let you talk about yourself like that. You’re not crazy.”
“Then why won’t you come with me?” she demanded.
“Look at the sorry state I’m in,” Rita said, waving her hand around her face to frame the damage Daryl had done. “I don’t have a dime to my name and I’m going to have a baby.”
Both of them were in a sorry state. Maybe that’s why it made such sense to stick together.
“We’ll take Grandmother’s money and car.” The plan grew clearer in Cissy’s mind. “It’s not stealing. She’d have wanted me to have it.”
They sat in silence for a good long time, watching the large splats of rain hit the vast expanse of the cafeteria window. Cissy would catch herself holding her breath, and had to concentrate to make her lungs work. Soon, the drops turned to globs of sleet, sticking to the window before sliding down like big, fat tears. She wondered how cold she’d feel at the state hospital in winter if she’d been so cold there in the summertime. She wondered how the other patients and the nurses would treat her when she returned.
“Fall’s not here yet and winter already wants to make a showing,” Rita said with a slight frown and went at her nails again, two already gnawed down to bright pink nubs.
“All the more reason to hit the road now.” Cissy steadied her shaky voice. She wanted to instill confidence in Rita, to prove to her that the idea was a good one.
When Rita didn’t answer, Cissy begged her to consider another option. Rita could take Grandmother’s car and money and go by herself, to New York or anywhere far away from Daryl. Cissy just needed bus fare back to Meridian. She’d decided not to stick around to wait for her mama to arrive.
“Sugar, stop talking your damn nonsense,” Rita said. “Maybe writing in one of your notebooks will calm you down some and bring you back to your senses.”
She retrieved two spiral notebooks from her big, slouchy purse and placed them on the cafeteria table—one with a blue cover that held most of Cissy’s general lists, one with a bright red cover that contained her List of Banned Words and the List of Very Sad Things.
Cissy grabbed the red spiral, got up from the table, and walked across the cafeteria until she reached a large garbage can. She began ripping out page after page, crumpling them and dropping them in with the waste from people’s unwanted meals. Then she took the red cover and tore it in quarters, then eighths, throwing the pieces on top of the wads of lined paper.
When Cissy got back to the table, Rita sat with wide eyes.
“What did you just do?” she asked.
“I’ve already lived through some of the greatest sadness I will ever experience in my life,” Cissy said. “Why do I need to carry around a written account of that sadness or all those words that used to frighten me beyond all measure? I’m not frightened anymore.”
“Oh, sugar, how did I get so lucky to run across such a wise young woman?” Rita asked.
“Luck doesn’t have anything to do with it,” Cissy reminded her.
“Yeah, yeah, God and fate and all that,” Rita said.
“Exactly.”
“I guess it’s fate that I’m agreeing to go to New York with you even if that’s the most asinine plan ever?”
Cissy jumped up, banging her knees against the table in a rush to reach Rita. She hugged he
r battered body as gently as possible given the magnitude of her joy and relief. Cissy thought about mentioning it was Nurse Possum Eyes who first used the word asinine around her, but Cissy was ready to put memories from the hospital in the past.
“I’m going on one condition,” Rita said, pulling back from Cissy’s embrace.
“You name it!”
“I’m driving.”
Grandmother wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Acknowledgments
Like many authors, I wrote a number of novels before my first book was published. Forgiveness Road is my third published novel, but its path to publication was circuitous and maybe a bit miraculous. It was the first novel I ever wrote, finished back in 2010. After countless rejections, I thought it’d be one of those manuscripts relegated to the proverbial desk drawer and chalked up as practice. Cissy’s complicated story stayed with me, though. My editor at Kensington Publishing, John Scognamiglio, saw promise in the concept. His insights led to a robust rewrite and a much more layered story—one where three generations of women struggle to understand and forgive an unforgivable crime. It is a story of flawed, yet strong women, and one of which I’m very proud. I am blessed that John continues to believe in my stories and my career.
I am fortunate to have JL Stermer as my literary agent and champion in all things publishing. How cool that she is also someone who recognizes the power of a cat gif to celebrate successes or lift spirits. As always, I am indebted to my longtime critique partner, Micki, who has read bits of this story for almost a decade. I hope the two of us have many more years to develop our craft together.
To the community of author friends I’ve found online, thank you for your support across the miles and multiple social media platforms.
To my husband, Andy, and my amazing circle of family and friends, this journey is all the more meaningful because of you.
To the readers, book clubs, reviewers, bloggers, and booksellers, well . . . you are the true superstars.
A READING GROUP GUIDE
FORGIVENESS ROAD
Mandy Mikulencak
ABOUT THIS GUIDE
The suggested questions are included to enhance your group’s
reading of Mandy Mikulencak’s Forgiveness Road.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. At the beginning of the novel, Cissy tells her grandmother that shooting her daddy wasn’t crazy. Later, in the psychiatric hospital, Martha tells Cissy that pulling the trigger was the most courageous thing she would do in her lifetime. What do you think about these statements?
2. Cissy’s mother says she is “telling horrible, disgusting lies” and that Cissy has “never been in her right mind.” Why is Caroline so reluctant to believe her daughter? Why is Cissy’s grandmother, Janelle, so certain she’s telling the truth?
3. From the beginning of the novel it’s clear that Janelle and her daughter, Caroline, have a strained relationship. How does Cissy’s crime strain it further?
4. At her hearing, Cissy’s obsessive counting and list-making are described as coping mechanisms. Do you think these behaviors are the result of her father’s abuse or personality quirks that are amplified by her trauma? Explain.
5. Dr. Guttman’s appearance and unorthodox treatment seem out of place in Mississippi. Why do these differences allow Cissy to trust him?
6. Cissy is terrified that Dr. Guttman will make her confront the deep, dark places in her mind. She thinks, It could be just dark enough you’d never find your way out again. In what ways does she prove this to be untrue?
7. Cissy refers to herself as “this side of crazy.” How does that help her justify her time in a psychiatric hospital?
8. Cissy believes that God appears to her in the form of a woman who looks like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. Do you believe this is yet another coping mechanism, or that it is possible she was really speaking to God?
9. Compare and contrast Cissy’s friendships with Martha, a fellow patient at the psychiatric hospital, and Rita, the diner waitress in Nashville? What lessons does she learn about herself from having known them?
10. Janelle tells Lucien, an orderly from the psychiatric hospital, that “killing is wrong, but Cissy felt she had no other choice.” Lucien tells her there’s always another choice. Why does Lucien’s remark upset Janelle?
11. How does Janelle and Ruth’s relationship change from when they were children to present day? Do you believe things could have been different given the setting and time period?
12. How does Janelle justify the abortion for Cissy? How does this decision affect the relationship between Janelle and Ruth?
13. Janelle admits to having no plan when she helps Cissy escape from the hospital. Why does she embark on the road trip anyway, especially in light of her own failing health?
14. Janelle tells Cissy that their days together have been the most meaningful of her life. How is that true for Cissy as well?
15. At the end of the novel, Cissy rips up the notebook that contains her List of Very Sad Things. Why does she no longer need it?
16. At one point, Cissy acknowledges that three generations of women—including Janelle’s mother—had failed their daughters. In what ways is this true? In what ways is it not?
17. What kind of emotional growth have Janelle, Cissy, and Caroline experienced by the end of the novel?
Forgiveness Road Page 29
