I ran out into the rain, searching for the vehicle, unable to see through all the rain. My body collided with the mangled remains of a small black car, and as I wiped my hand over the window, I saw my own lifeless body hunched over the wheel with smatters of blood across my face.
I jerked awake, my eyes landing on the chair where Emma slept curled in a ball. Her eyes fluttered open as if she felt me looking at her. I smiled, and she sucked her lower lip between her teeth as she pushed herself up and stretched her arms.
I wanted to ask her about the dream, about the accident, but I knew she was dreading being with me, and I didn’t want to upset her more.
After a few hours of being examined and given enough instructions to fill a book, I was told I could finally go home.
Emma looked relieved, and she gathered our things as quickly as possible so we could get out of there.
The ride home didn’t help to jog my memory. It was incredibly frustrating to know that my own mind was working against me. I wondered if what had happened was so traumatic that I was protecting myself. If that was the case, why couldn’t I force my mind to open up?
“Not much farther,” Emma said as she looked over at me. I glanced out the windshield, wishing something made sense, but it was all a blank. At least I wasn’t alone.
Chapter Fifteen
We pulled into the first floor of an old warehouse. I’d always wanted to convert an old building into a home. I glanced at the staircase ahead of us.
“This is ours?” I asked as I glanced over to her. She smiled as she tucked her hair behind her ear and dropped her gaze to her feet.
“This is yours. I live…somewhere else.”
I felt like an asshole for assuming that we had lived together. Perhaps we were just really good friends. But even with no memory, I knew that my chest wouldn’t tighten every time I looked into her eyes if she weren’t someone important to me. I knew she wouldn’t be having such a hard time being around me if that were the case. Unless…did she blame me for the accident? Had I done something reckless or driven with her while I had been drinking? No. I would be in jail if that were the case.
I walked up the staircase with Emma behind me. As I reached a door at the first landing, I paused. “This it?” She nodded, and my eyes travelled up the next set of stairs. “What’s up there?”
Her cheeks tinged pink, and her gaze dropped for a fraction of a second. “It’s under construction.”
She was lying. I kept my eyes locked on her as I ran my hand through my hair and took a step to the side so she could unlock the door. She did, letting her hair fall over her face to block my stare. I took note that she had used a key from her own key ring to unlock the door. We are definitely more than friends.
She pushed open the door and stepped to the side so I could enter. I took in the large space that seemed vaguely familiar. Emma walked inside and tossed her purse on the island in the kitchen before pulling open the fridge. “What do you think?” She asked as I watched how comfortable she was in my space. “Do you want something?” She stood with a soda in her hand. I had the fading glimpse of a memory, but my head throbbed as I tried to focus.
“A soda would be fine.” I smiled over at her, and she returned the gesture as she grabbed another can from the fridge. She set it on the island behind her, and I walked over to grab it as I noticed the faint smell of flowers that lingered in my apartment. It smelled like her, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Thank you.” Her cheeks tinged pink again, and I ran my hand through my hair, wishing I could see all the pieces to the puzzle.
“You’re welcome.” She turned back to the fridge as she gazed in at the contents.
“You seem to know your way around here.” I cocked my head to the side as I tried to picture us together, but everything was fuzzy, and she was not offering up any information. I didn’t want to press her and upset her like she had been at the hospital.
“I’ve spent a lot of time here.” Her face gave nothing away as she grabbed a few items from the fridge and set them on the counter between us. She grabbed a few plates and a knife and began preparing us sandwiches. I watched her as she began to slice the tomato, her fingers wrapped around the handle of the knife. Something about it was oddly sexual.
“You’re doing that all wrong.” I made my way around the counter as her hands stilled. I positioned myself behind her, pressing my chest against her back as my fingers slid over hers. She shook as a chill ran through her body, and I was glad I was behind her so she couldn’t see the smirk on my face. I knew the tension between us was more than her being upset. I guided her hand as I sliced up the tomato. “There,” I whispered next to her ear, and I heard her breath catch.
“I see you didn’t forget everything,” she laughed nervously, but there was an edge to her words. She wasn’t good at hiding her emotions, and the pain was radiating off her in waves.
I backed away from her. “I guess some things just stay with you.” I took my seat on the stool across from her as I watched her finish making our sandwiches. There was something inside me that was pulling me to her. She obviously felt the same way or she wouldn’t be here, causing herself so much pain just to help me. I wondered if it were possible for me to start over and right my wrongs. I wasn’t sure I wanted the memories back if they were so bad.
Emma snorted, and her eyes quickly locked onto mine, filled with embarrassment. “Sorry…I just thought of something…funny.” She slid the plate of food in front of me. I grabbed my sandwich and began eating. Anything was better than that hospital food. Emma picked at the top of her roll, as she was lost inside her head. I wish I knew what she was thinking.
“Not hungry?” I asked as I took another bite. “You should really eat something.” I couldn’t expect this woman to take care of me and not herself. She picked up her sandwich and took a bite. I smiled over at her as I grabbed my plate and took it to the sink. I could hear the faint vibrating of a cell phone. I listened to Emma fish around in her bag before the sound stopped. Who was calling her that she didn’t want to talk to? Was she seeing someone else? Was that why she looked pained to be near me?
“Finished?” I turned around and pointed to her plate. She nodded and swallowed hard. I grabbed it and held it over the sink as I scrubbed it. “What are you thinking about?” I glanced over my shoulder at her as she sat sadly at the island.
“Just been a long week.” She sighed, and her shoulders sank. I put the plate in the sink and made my way over to her. She tensed as I put my hands on her shoulders and began to massage them. Her body soon relaxed, and she let me work out the small knots in her muscles.
“I’m sorry I put you through all of this. I don’t know what I did to deserve your kindness.” I laughed at the absurdity of my statement. “I really don’t.”
Emma laughed quietly and relaxed further.
“Come on. Why don’t you show me around?”
She stood and turned toward me as her eyes scanned the space. “Well, this is the kitchen,” she held out her hand toward the couch. “And the living room.” She walked around me and across the room, and I followed. “This is self-explanatory.” She pointed into the bathroom. She ducked by me, careful not to touch me as she made her way to another door. She pushed it open and took a step back. “This is your bedroom.” She looked down at the floor as I brushed by her to enter the room. It was stark white and looked completely out of place from the rest of the apartment that had rich, dark tones.
There was evidence all around the room that a woman spent a lot of time in here with me. I grabbed a tiny scrap of yellow fabric from the floor and couldn’t help but smile when I realized it was a pair of torn panties. Emma grabbed them from my hand as her face turned deep red, and she hid them behind her back.
“I guess you know this room pretty well.” I couldn’t help but laugh at how embarrassed she was.
“Who said they were mine?” Her eyebrow shot up.
I laughed hard as I took a step closer to her. “I sure h
ope they aren’t mine.” She laughed nervously, and I had to wonder why she would try to hide the fact that we had been together. My eyes danced over the unmade bed, and I ran my hand through my hair as I tried to imagine us there, our bodies tangled together as I thrust into her.
“I’m actually pretty tired.” I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head, groaning as I stretched my sore muscles.
“I’ll let you get some rest.” She turned to leave, and I reached out, grabbing her wrist. I could feel her pulse racing under my fingers.
“Stay.”
Her body slowly turned toward me, and I let go of her arm as I saw the torn look in her eye. “I just want to sleep.”
She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, and I narrowed my eyes at her. I couldn’t promise her only sleep if she kept doing that. As if reading my thoughts, she let go of her lip and I wanted to smile, but I held it back as I undid my belt and slid my jeans off.
She kicked off her shoes and began to undo her pants. I slid into bed and let her have a moment to herself, which also hid the fact that my cock was rock hard just at the thought of lying next to her. I felt the mattress dip as she slid into bed behind me. I rolled over and slid my body against her back, wrapping my arms around her to hold her close. I felt her stiffen as my hands slid over her skin, but I needed to be against her. She was all I had in the world at this moment, even if I couldn’t remember.
I put my face against her neck and inhaled the sweet flowery smell of her hair as I let my eyes close and drifted off into sleep.
I awoke throughout the night as visions of the car crash flashed through my memory. Emma was finally clear in the picture just moments before the crash. All I could see was her face covered in tears as she screamed my name, and I jolted awake.
I lay holding her against me for an hour before I was able to fall back asleep.
Chapter Sixteen
Emma squirmed against me, and my arms tightened around her body, afraid she would run away if I loosened my grip. She struggled against my hold, and I couldn’t help my body’s natural reaction to having her against me. I grew hard against her ass as I let out a low groan in her ear. Her breathing grew ragged but she continued to squirm against my hold. I’d be lying if it didn’t make me want her more.
“William,” she rasped as I rubbed my straining cock against her ass. “Stop it,” She reached over her body and pushed against my shoulder. I flipped her onto her back and positioned myself over her, pinning her arms above her head. It was only then that I saw the look of anger on her face and knew she was not playing hard to get.
“I’m sorry.” I released her hands and ran my fingers through my hair as I collapsed beside her on the bed.
“It’s fine,” she said angrily as she pushed herself out of bed and grabbed her jeans. I sat up to watch her as she slid them on.
“We don’t have a very…happy relationship, I take it?”
She looked at me with sadness in her eyes as she ran her fingers through her knotted hair. Without saying a word, she walked out of the room, and I was afraid she would be walking out of my life.
I got out of bed and quickly pulled on my jeans to follow her. She was in the kitchen preparing a cup of coffee on the counter. I walked up behind her and placed my hands on her shoulders, causing her to jump. I took a step back from her.
“I’m sorry.” I turned to the cupboard and grabbed two coffee mugs for us. She watched me maneuver around the kitchen remembering things. She didn’t speak as she filled our mugs for us to drink. I took a small sip of the steaming liquid, and she did the same.
“Whatever I did to you…I’m sorry.”
She rolled her eyes, and that stirred something inside of me.
“You don’t even know what you’re apologizing for.”
“I hope I never remember. I don’t want to be that person.” I couldn’t imagine being the guy who had stained her cheeks with tears and caused her to jump when he touched her. She was beautiful, and I had broken her.
She sighed loudly as her shoulders sagged.
“You weren’t the person I thought you were.” Even though she seemed to hate the person I had been, she also seemed to be mourning his loss. She missed the person I was when I was causing her pain, and it made me sick to my stomach.
“So, I need to go home today.” Her tone was cheerier, but the smile on her lips did not reach her eyes. She was putting up a wall, and I didn’t think it was for protection. After all I had done to her, she was feeling guilty. “You won’t have a car. You can call me if you need anything.”
The anger, the guilt of things unknown all boiled inside of me. I couldn’t make any of this right if she weren’t willing to stay with me. I hated that the one person I had in my life, I couldn’t remember and had made her hate me. I couldn’t beg her to stay. What kind of twisted fuck would I be then? My head throbbed as my emotions began to spiral out of control within me. I slammed down my coffee mug and made my way back to my bedroom, slamming the door hard behind me. I couldn’t watch her walk away. It would have been better if I had woken up alone at the hospital. Better if I hadn’t seen the face of the ghost that had been haunting my heart.
A few minutes later, I heard the front door close, and I knew she had left me. I was completely alone, and it hurt more to not know what I was missing. She carried around the pain of what I had done, and my slate had been wiped clean. I wondered how much of that was because of the accident or if it was self-preservation. I pictured her tear-soaked face from my nightmare.
When I finally found the strength to leave the bedroom, the emptiness of the apartment took the air from my lungs. I felt like I was slowly being suffocated.
I found a bottle of whiskey from under the island and I prepared to drink myself into oblivion. My eyes fell on a small cell phone on the counter top as I drank back the harsh liquid. She had my phone all this time? I poured another drink as I stared at it, wanting to call her and beg her to come back. I drank it down and slammed the glass on the counter as I spun it in my fingers.
I picked up the phone, telling myself that I would just call to apologize. As the screen lit up under my finger, I noticed I had a voicemail.
I hit the mailbox button and listened as a woman’s voice filled my ear, and it wasn’t Emma.
“Will, it’s A…Allison. I know I shouldn’t have talked to you in front of her. What we had meant something different to me than it did to you. I know that.” Her voice drifted off for a moment. “But I’d like to have another chance. Whatever your relationship is with that girl is never going to satisfy you. We both know you need more than that. Call me back.” The message ended, and I pushed the button to listen to deleted messages. Again, the same voice rang through with a message of apologies. The message was from when I had been in a coma, and someone had listened to it.
My chest tightened as the picture began to make itself a little clearer. Had I cheated on Emma? I wanted to pretend I didn’t know what it was this woman could do for me that Emma couldn’t, but inside I knew I wasn’t the good guy. I could feel it whenever my body had been against Emma’s. Had I forced her to do things that she didn’t want? My cock twitched at the thought of being pressed against her ass when she struggled against me.
I knew I would need to call Allison if I ever wanted all the pieces, but it felt like that would be a slap in Emma’s face, even if she had already walked out of my life. I poured another double shot of Jack and drank it down, trying to cover the pain that was taking over me.
The regret was overwhelming, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. The sudden flood of emotion was sickening. I sat down on a stool and ran my hand roughly through my hair. I saw Emma’s face in the car, so sad and broken. It was because of this. I had ripped her heart out and nearly killed her that night, and while I lay in a hospital bed with her at my side, she had to listen to the voice of another woman begging me to cheat on her. Her ability to care for me and sleep next to me the previous night said a lot about what
kind of person she was. A person I had taken advantage of, used, and hurt.
I closed my eyes and pushed the thought from my head. I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to know what I had done to her, but I knew I had to find out. It wasn’t fair that she was suffering from my actions and that I could choose to be in blissful ignorance.
Regardless of the memory loss, my heart knew. My pulse quickened whenever she was close to me; the smell of her flowery scent felt like home. She was an echo in my life that even amnesia couldn’t erase.
I slammed my hand down against the countertop as I looked around my empty apartment. If she was going to suffer, I needed to suffer as well. I poured another drink before searching my place for clues to our past.
The first thing I ran across was an oversized, yellow envelope full of pictures of two women talking. There was something familiar about the house in the background, but I couldn’t place it. I shoved them back inside the envelope and tucked them away in a drawer in the kitchen.
“Fuck,” I yelled out as I scanned the open space. I was doing this to myself. I was shutting it all out, but why?
I grabbed my laptop and typed in my password from memory. There was Emma’s beautiful face on a social network site. I clicked her profile and began to look down through her posts. The first thing I noticed was someone offering condolences for her loss.
I quickly pulled up a new page and searched her name. The results populated within seconds. I clicked the top link and saw the face of one of the women in my pictures. Her name was Judy and “was survived by her niece, Emma Townsend.” The date of the funeral was only a few days ago. I went back to the search results and clicked the next link. It was a small news story about a car accident off Riddler Road, and the victims were Emma and me. It was the same date as the funeral. Was it possible the tears were for the loss of her only relative and not me that night? I knew that wasn’t the truth. It was painful for her to be near me, and the voicemails proved why.
Honor and Betray (Honor Series) Page 8
