As I could see only our backs, there was no way for me to check Yamazaki's expression as he said that. But I already knew.
“Huh? Three minutes already have passed, but it didn’t explode.” Yamazaki walked over in the direction of the bomb. As he did, I heard a loud bang, and Yamazaki fell over.
I knew. I knew that he had been crying. “This has no force at all. This bomb I worked so hard to make only has the power of a few firecrackers. This is no good. I’m going back home. See you.”
And then, he went back home to the countryside.
When I returned to my apartment, only the life-sized anime doll that Yamazaki had left was waiting for me. She asked, “Aren’t you lonely?”
“No, I’m not lonely….”
***
On that warm, sunny day, I had gone on the date with Misaki. It unfolded as wholesomely as a date between middle school kids in the countryside would have.
We took the train into the city. There were large crowds, so we nearly lost sight of each other. Neither of us owned a cell phone; so, if we were separated even once, it would be the end of everything. In this large city, we never would be able to find each other again. We had to be careful.
Even so, Misaki was wandering heedlessly. I, too, was mostly just plodding along. “Where should we go?” I asked.
“Somewhere.”
“What about lunch?”
“We just ate together, didn’t we?”
“What about a movie?”
“Okay.”
We watched a movie. It was an astounding Hollywood action flick. Someone was being blown away by bombs, and he swung his arms around in circles as he floated high up into the sky. Then, he died. I longed to be like him.
“That was very interesting. Do you think I should buy the informational pamphlet?”[33]
Misaki was blown away by the thousand-yen price tag, though, so she didn’t end up buying it. “Why are they so expensive?!”
“That’s the price they usually are, isn’t it?”
“Hm, really?” It seemed that she hadn’t known.
When we exited the movie theater, we were once again at a loss over what to do.
“Where should we go?”
“Somewhere.”
“What about lunch?”
“We just ate, didn’t we?”
We kept walking aimlessly. We had no place to go, and I didn’t know what to do. Misaki felt the same way, and we both were troubled by it.
Eventually, we arrived at a needlessly large city park. There were a lot of people there, of course—and in the very center was a large fountain. Pigeons fluttered around us.
Seated on a bench, I was dazed. We chatted amiably until sunset. Finally, we ran out of conversation topics; when only our restless silence remained, Misaki pulled her secret notebook from her bag.
“Let’s walk toward our dreams!”
I responded, “It doesn’t matter anymore. This stuff isn’t going to change anything.”
“Don’t say such negative things.”
“Even if I try to believe these lies, in the end, there’s nothing I’d be able to do.”
“Actually, they’ve made me quite normal.”
“What part of you?”
“You don’t think I seem normal?” she asked.
“You’re strange”, I stated. “You’ve always been strange. Ever since I first saw you, I thought you seemed rather off.”
“Really…”
We both grew silent.
In front of us, a pigeon waddled by. Misaki tried to catch it. Naturally, the pigeon escaped. She repeated her attempt several times; after they all failed, she simply stared at the fountain in front of us.
Then, she said, “Satou, when it comes to you and me, and the idea of which of us is more worthless, you must be more worthless then I am, right?”
I agreed with her completely.
“Well, that’s why. That’s why you were selected for my project, Satou.”
It seemed she had finally decided she wanted to discuss the heart of the matter. At this point, though, it really didn’t make any difference, as nothing was going to change. At least, that was my conviction.
Misaki was smiling a fake smile that would have made anyone seeing it nervous. It was an uncertain, manufactured smile that touched only her lips, unnaturally pulling them upward.
She began, “The initial premise is that there’s no way anyone could end up liking someone like me.”
“You really think that?”
“It’s been like that since I was born. It was so bad that my mother and father hated me, and it was even worse with other people.”
I didn’t have any response.
“My uncle and aunt took me in, but I just create problems for them, too. Their relationship is getting worse, and they say they want to divorce soon. It’s all my fault, and I’m really sorry about it.”
“You’re just thinking about it too much.”
“No, I’m not”, she said. “I probably was born useless, and normal people won’t have anything to do with me. Eventually, everyone starts hating me and, because of me, everyone starts feeling bad. I have actual evidence that what I’m saying is true.”
Misaki rolled up her sleeves. Holding out her arms, she made me look at them. Many, many sad scars from old burns marred her white skin.
“It was my second father. I don’t even remember his face. He drank continuously. While he drank, his mood would improve—but even when he was in a good mood, he always was getting angry at me, burning me with cigarettes.” She said all this, her bright smile unwavering.
“I was even scared of school and couldn’t go. Of course, I was scared… There was no way I could fit in with everyone else. I was terrified. Because if they were normal people, they were absolutely sure to start hating someone like me.”
“What about the people at your church?”
“Those are good people. Everyone there is pretty normal, and they’re forking their hardest. So, of course, they won’t have anything to do with me.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Finally, I was able to find someone more worthless than I was: A really worthless person. A totally worthless person—the kind you can’t find just anywhere. Someone who can’t look people in the eye when speaking, who is unbearably afraid of others. Someone who lives among the dregs of society, a person whom even I could look down on.”
“Who was it?”
“Satou.” Her words were exactly what I expected.
Then, Misaki pulled a sheet of scrap paper from her bag and handed it to me. It was the second contract.
I felt unsure what I should do. The sun was nearly beneath the horizon, and the number of people walking around the park had shrunk considerably.
Misaki handed me a marker and a vermilion ink pad[34], saying, “A thumb print will be fine.
“After all, someone like you, Satou, might start liking me, right?” she asked. “I mean, you’re even more worthless than I am, after all. As I’ve been carrying out this plan for such a long time, you should be my prisoner by now, right? Please, be nice to me, and I’ll be nice to you, too.”
“No. This won’t work.”
“Why?”
“It’s no use. Nothing’s changed. This agreement just makes everything more painful. On top of that, it’s too empty.” I got up and returned the marker and ink.
I tried to be enthusiastic. “You’ll be fine, Misaki! This is just a momentary lapse of confidence. Have a rubdown with a dry towel, and train your mind and body! If you do that, these stupid thoughts will disappear. A cute girl like you will be able to have a great life! Don’t look down! Look up, and you’ll be okay!”
Then, I ran away.
The contents of the contract had seared themselves into my brain.
***
Contract Regarding Mutual Support for Worthless and Lonely People
Defining Satou Tatsuhiro as party A and Misaki Nakahara as party B, the two parti
es agree to the following:
A will not start to hate B.
In fact, A will start to like B.
A will never change mind.
A will never have a change of heart.
When one party is lonely, the other always will be at his or her side.
As B is always lonely, basically, A always will be at B's side.
If we do this, I think our lives probably will move in a good direction.
I think the painful times will go away.
If you break this contract, the penalty is ten million yen.
***
“Hey! Aren’t you lonely?” Misaki called out.
Turning around, I answered in a loud voice, “No, I’m not lonely.”
“Well, I’m lonely!”
“I’m not.”
“Liar.”
“I’m not lying”, I said. “I’m the strongest hikikomori in the world, so I can go on living by myself. Pain doesn’t mean anything to me. Misaki, you, should stop relying on other people, too. In the end, everyone is alone. Being alone is best. I mean, it’s true, isn’t it? In the end, you’ll be absolutely alone; therefore, being alone is natural. If you accept that, nothing bad can happen. That’s why I shut myself away in my six-mat, one-room apartment.”
“Aren’t you lonely?”
“I’m not lonely.”
“Aren’t you lonely?”
“I’m not lonely.”
“Liar.” Someone spoke in a low, muffled voice.
I turned around to look behind me.
I found myself standing in the middle of my six-mat, one-room apartment. In the corner, I sat hugging my legs to my chest, melting into the deep darkness.
It was night, and I couldn’t see, hear, or do anything. Despite the fact that it was summer, this six-mat, one-room apartment, devoid of furniture or anything else, was cold. A dark and terrible chill filled the isolated space. I held my head and trembled.
I said, “I’m lonely.”
“I’m not lonely.”
“Liar.”
“I’m not lying.”
“I’m so lonely.”
“I am lonely!”
The quivering, shaking, shivering me was clack-clack-clacking his teeth. The me standing in the middle of the room watched this. I thought I’d gone crazy. But I wasn’t crazy.
There were only two things that I understood: I was alone, and I was incredibly lonely. I didn’t want to be in this state. I didn’t want to be lonely.
“Anyway”, I screamed, “that’s why!”
I kept shouting, “Being lonely is natural! Of course, I hate being lonely! That’s exactly why I shut myself off from the world, why I lock myself away. Thinking about it for the long term, this is the best solution. You understand, right? Hey! You understand me, right?”
There was no answer.
“Don’t you understand? Listen carefully to what I’m saying. If you do, you’ll get it. You can grasp this easily. In short… in short, I shut myself in because I’m lonely. Because I don’t want to face any more loneliness, I shut myself away. Hey, do you understand? That’s the answer!”
There was no reply.
“I’m greedier than anyone. I don’t want some half-assed happiness. I don’t need some partial warmth. I want a happiness that goes on forever. That’s impossible, though! I don’t know why it is, but in this world, some interference is sure to come. Important things break right away. I’ve been alive for twenty-two years, and I know at least this much. It doesn’t matter what the thing is, but it will break. That’s why, from the beginning, it’s better not to need anything.”
That’s right! You should learn this truth, too, Misaki. If you do, you won’t come up with more ridiculous plans. You’ll stop looking to people like me for help.
She was terribly stupid. She was clinging to a horrifyingly enormous despair. I was appalled by the loneliness that caused her to seek help from a piece of human trash like me. I cursed the misfortune that had fallen upon her. I cursed the unreasonable fact that children couldn’t choose their parents. I wanted a cheerful girl like her to live a strong, healthy life.
Please, do your best, somewhere. I’m all right. I’ll be fine on my own. It’s best for me to be alone. I’ll live alone and die alone.
Even still, I had hope. I had hope….
Look, just over there—it’s shining, pale, and gentle.
It was my hometown, the one that drew forth nostalgic, bittersweet tears. Autumn plains that continued forever. Memories from long ago. The eternally fleeting glances from giggling little girls. The peace of the black cat, hit by a car. There was no longer anything painful or difficult anywhere. I was fine now.
“That’s right. You are now”, said a little girl.
The life-sized anime doll, which Yamazaki had left behind as a present, stared at me. She was an angel. She started to move, and she guided me forward.
We traveled to a faraway planet. It was beautiful: a blue sky with white clouds, the cool wind blowing across a spring field that stretched into the distance. We stood in the middle of the field, and the girl picked one pure white flower and held it up in front of me. With her slender fingers, she grasped a petal and pulled it out. “Life.”
Then, she pulled out another petal. “Death.”
She was telling a flower fortune.
“Life … Death … Life … Death … Life … Death … Life … Death.”
The last petal fluttered to the ground.
The girl smiled gently.
Chapter 10. Dive
Part One
Summer ended. I’d depleted my living expenses. I had no money left for food, so I decided to try sleeping to conserve energy. I would be awake for five hours, and then I’d sleep for fifteen. I tried living on that schedule.
For the first three days, I didn’t really have any problem fasting. At worst, my stomach hurt a little bit. By the time the fourth day rolled around, though, I couldn’t think of anything but food. I want to eat ramen. I want to eat curry and rice. Regardless of my will, my body seriously wanted calories. This craving was impossible to fight.
Finally, on the fifth day of fasting, I left the apartment. Spending my last few hundred yen to buy a pastry and another part-time job magazine, I decided to start doing physical work that very day.
Physical day labor… I mastered the work surprisingly easily, bringing supplies into event halls, helping with moving and the like. Once in a while, I made a mistake and got punched by one of the higher-ups; even so, the work was refreshing. The rougher I treated my body, the more and more empty my head became. For the first time in several years, I could go to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed.
Given all my credit card debt, I worked night and day for the first month. After registering with a temporary agency, I was able to get daily work. Once I’d accumulated a degree of wiggle room in my savings, I immediately reduced the amount of work I was doing. I decided to work for about half a month at a time, then staying holed up for the second half. As long as I could make about one hundred thousand yen a month, I could actually maintain a rather pleasant life.
Whenever possible, I tried to work nights. Nighttime traffic control was the best job. To be a security guard, you needed to get registered by taking a four-day legal training course; once you finished that, however, no other work was easier.
In the middle of the night, I waved the glowing red guide stick back and forth at construction sites far from human habitation. The only thing I could hear all night long was the echo of construction equipment operating behind me. On the nights when I worked as a guard, I was alone. Sometimes a car would pass, but all I had to do was wave the guide stick appropriately and caution, “Look out, slow down.”
Because I almost never needed to speak to others while working, I felt the same as when I holed up in my apartment. I just relied on my conditioned reflexes to wave the guide stick, back and forth, back and forth. The night wind was a bit chilly, but my pay for this was ten th
ousand yen per night, counting my travel fare.
I’d work, and then I’d shut myself away—earn my living expenses, and then shut myself away. This lifestyle continued and, with frightening speed, time went by. While I kept working, it turned to winter.
It was the winter of my fifth year as a hikikomori. This year felt thoroughly cold—probably because I had previously sold off my kotatsu to the secondhand shop. Even covered head to toe with a blanket, I still was freezing, always shivering uncontrollably. At that point, in place of a body warmer, I decided to try using the laptop computer, which Yamazaki had left behind when he moved.
“It’s an off-brand Pentium 66 MHz notebook computer. I didn’t want to have to carry it, so I was going to throw it away. But seeing as I have it, I’ll give it to you, Satou”, he’d said.
He’d left with those words.
I set the laptop on my stomach and turned on the power. A noisy whirring indicated that it was operating, and an anime wallpaper appeared on the liquid crystal screen. Being an older machine, it generated an amazing amount of heat. Soon, I warmed up and began to grow sleepy.
Just then, I recognized a familiar icon displayed on the computer’s desktop.
It looked like the executable file for the erotic game that Yamazaki had been making. Positioning the cursor on the file, I clicked to open it. The hard disk started groaning. After a long loading period, the game began.
I played it for several hours. And then, I understood… I understood that this was a terrible, terrible game.
The genre was an RPG, but it was an extremely cheap RPG, with about one hundredth of the first Dragon Quest[35] game’s content. It wasn’t an erotic game any longer, and the story was utterly ridiculous—basically, the concept was something along the lines of “a journey about love and youth taken by soldiers fighting against a giant, evil organization”. The game told the story of an average young man who becomes a warrior to fight evil and protect the heroine. This wish-fulfillment scenario eventually bypassed the player, continuing meaninglessly on and on and on.
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