Misaki smiled. It was a derisive smile.
I wanted to tell her just how much trouble I had gone through to get all the way here; of course, I held back. In a kindly voice, I asked, “Why did you attempt suicide so suddenly?”
“It wasn’t your fault or anything, Satou.”
“I know that. So…”
“I’ve grown tired of living.”
“Explain in more concrete terms.”
“I got sick of everything. There was no reason for me to keep on living.” She chanted these abstractions, a smile still on her face. Was she making a fool out of me, after all?
“Yeah, that’s right. I don’t think that I can get help from you any longer, Satou. You’re just a hikikomori, in the end.”
The blood rushed to my head. “Go ahead and die!”
“I will die.”
“No! I was kidding. Don’t die. If you die, you’ll go to hell.”
“You don’t have to be in such a panic. To begin with, I’m basically already dead, seeing how I took all the drugs I’d saved over an entire year. If my uncle hadn’t found me, I would have succeeded. No matter what you do, Satou, I’m determined to go ahead and die.”
There, in the winter, standing at a cape in the inky darkness, we continued discussing whether to live or die. The conversation was light years removed from the normal, everyday world.
It was already past midnight, and it was freezing. Misaki’s teeth chattered.
“Either way, I’m going to die.” She had grown defiant. “Go ahead and try to stop me if you want, even though it’s impossible.”
Clearly, the views on suicide traditionally retained by our society no longer held any merit. Without any shame at all, she was arguing for death.
I rebutted, “If you’re saying stuff like that, Misaki, then you don’t really feel like dying anymore, do you?”
In response, Misaki put her hand into her coat pocket and pulled out a metal object.
“I have a box cutter here.” The blade slid out of the handle. She declared, “Right now, I’ll cut my wrists with this box cutter!”
“That’s dangerous!” I tried to grab Misaki’s hand.
“Don’t come near me!” Misaki quickly jumped up from the bench to avoid my grasp.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m sure that I’ve gone crazy. If you come too close, I’ll probably cut you!” As she shouted this, Misaki stretched out her right hand, which gripped the box cutter, and put her left hand behind her back. She looked like she was attempting some fencing pose.
“What are you doing?”
“I learned it from a book called The Art of Murder that I read at the library. I’m employing the knife-fighting art of the Sicilian Mafia.”
Putting several feet between us, Misaki swung around the box cutter, threatening me.
“Aren’t you disgusted? Disgusted because the person you came all this way to save really is crazy? There’s nothing I can do about that, though, Satou. I’m sure you were thinking something along those lines, right? Like, you wanted to show how cool you are by saving some crazy girl about to commit suicide. That’s what you were thinking, wasn’t it? But it’s impossible. It’s impossible!”
With the moon at her back, it was hard to see her, so I couldn’t tell what expression she wore. Though it sounded like a farce, it wasn’t. That much seemed certain. I asked her seriously, “If I told you I’m deeply in love with you, what would you do?”
“I wouldn’t do anything. I’m finished. I mean, you’re just a hikikomori to begin with, Satou. And you look like you’d change your mind quickly. Besides, in actuality, you don’t like me at all, right? If someone won’t be mine from the top of his head to the tips of his toes, it’s better for me to die. It’s not like my desires can be granted by just anyone. I always knew this. And that’s why, either way, I just need to die.”
“I like you! I love you! Please, don’t die!”
“Ha ha ha. You’re so funny, Satou. But it’s no use. I’m going to die!”
Our dialogue was somehow very much like a shoujo manga.
Still, I knew that words like “love” and “hate” probably weren’t that important. The problem likely lay in a deeper, more fundamental place. I thought that I should try my best to explain this to her. I should somehow put it into words for Misaki. However, the words would slip away at once. The second I pronounced them, they would lose all meaning.
I just didn’t understand. What should I do? What did I want to do?
What was I thinking…? It didn’t really matter if she died. That’s what I thought.
It’s all the same in the end. The only difference is whether death comes sooner or later. Even if I do keep living, there will he only more suffering and more hardship. There’s no meaning to it. There’s no meaning to life. It would he better to die. This was a thoroughly logical conclusion that no one could refute.
At least, I couldn’t refute it. In fact, I doubted that anyone was less suited to the role of convincing someone else to give up on suicide than I was.
“It’s not right.” I kept saying these ridiculous things. “Don’t say you’re going to die.”
All the words sounded artificial.
Deciding to rely on force, I stepped toward Misaki, who was still swinging the box cutter around. She backed up. Ignoring her wild movements, I lunged forward and reached out my right hand. Just before my hand touched Misaki’s body, the blade of the box cutter sliced open my palm. A second later, blood began to flow. It soaked into the snow.
It hurt, but the pain was wonderful.
Misaki stared at the bloody box cutter, a dreamy expression on her face. I gave her a smile.
Misaki looked as though she were also about to smile.
The wind blew, and powdered snow danced upward.
***
Finally, I understood. I knew what I needed to do: I would keep this girl alive. I would save her.
How? Does a hikikomori like me have the power to do things for others? Wasn’t that kind of thing impossible? Shouldn’t I know my place? Well?
Yet somewhere, there had to be a wonderful solution. I truly believed this. There had to be a way for everything to work out. There had to be a way to fulfill Misaki’s wishes and my own hopes. Surely, I already knew the answer.
I would erase her pain and make it possible for her to live on, laughing and happy. I would give her the vitality to make it until tomorrow, give her the strength to live. The method—I had to know it already, somehow.
Once, shed said to me, “If that type of bad God did exist, then we could go on living in good health. If we could push the responsibility for our misery onto God, then we would have that much more peace of mind, wouldn’t we?
“If I could believe in God, I could become happy. Even if God is a bad guy, I know I could become happy. The problem is… the problem is I have a poor imagination, so I can’t believe in God very easily. Look, couldn’t He create some really showy miracle for me, just like He does in the Bible?”
She wanted to believe in a God, but her God was a villain. He was the main instigator of all evil. If she could believe in the existence of someone so evil, Misaki had said that she could keep on living. If a miracle occurred in front of her, it would prove the existence of this villain. She had said that, in that case, she would be able to keep on living. I’ll grant your wish!
The method was unfathomably difficult, terrible, and likely would require an enormous sacrifice. That, itself, however, was what I desired. To sacrifice myself to save the heroine would be the noblest act I could perform.
Ah, I wanted to brag to Yamazaki, I’m living right now, this very moment, burning out my life in a wonderful manner. I truly feel alive. I wanted to hold my head high with pride and brag to him.
It was true, looking at it objectively, that this was quite a dramatic night. A girl swinging a knife around and me trying to stop that girl from committing suicide. It was all rather moving. Given that fact, the words sh
ould come pouring forth. In this situation, I should be able to say something eloquent.
Misaki was trembling. I probably was trembling, too. I was frightened, so I tried to bolster my courage.
Memories from my twenty-two years passed through my mind. I realized that I had existed for this moment, when I would do whatever I could—anything I could—to keep this girl alive. It was probably my life’s mission. If not, then there was no meaning… No meaning for my having lived up until now, no meaning in living and then dying. At that instant, I understood everything. I knew everything, and everything was connected.
I would help Misaki, who was shaking with terror. I would give my life to help her. This kind of situation must have been what I’d desired all along. The flags that guided me toward the ending all had unfurled.[37] My dialog, leading toward this ending, was all that remained to set this scene into motion. Because of that, I would stand up and face it. Misaki could find a reason to live. It would be a happy ending.
I was scared. Please, help me…
Even so, I gathered my courage and embraced the trembling Misaki. “It’s not your fault, Misaki.”
I hugged her with all my strength and whispered into her ear, “It’s not your fault at all, Misaki. Not a single part is your fault.”
She was slight, thin. Shaking, she clung to me, and the darkness surrounded the two of us.
The wind was strong that night. Snow fell lightly. The stillness grew deeper. Why were we so sad? Why were we so lonely? Do you know the reason? Oh, I understand. It’s because we’re about to part, about to say farewell. That’s why we’re trembling. We’re forever alone, and we’re forever lonely. That’s how it always is, the way it’s supposed to be. Everyone is like this, so don’t hate yourself. Don’t hate yourself. There are other things you should hate. You need to know that.
“That’s right, there are bad people. There are people who’ve hurt you, Misaki.”
There's no need for you to be sad. No need at all. Why must you be sad? If you always had to live in pain, lonely and suffering, that would be irrational. It would be strange, wouldn’t it? That’s just nonsense. That’s why there has to be someone, somewhere, behind all this. A villain who forces you to suffer.
That’s why…
That’s why, in this world, conspiracies exist.
However, there is a more than a ninety-nine percent chance that the plausible-sounding conspiracies that you hear about from others are simple delusions or even intentional lies. When you visit a bookstore, the books with titles like The Great Jewish Conspiracy to Ruin the Japanese Economy! or The Super Conspiracy of the CIA That Hides Their Secret Pact with Aliens! are all just trivial delusions.
Even so…
Even so…
A tiny percentage of people actually have stumbled upon a real conspiracy. There is, in fact, one person who witnessed with his own eyes a conspiracy that exists, at this very moment, in the most extreme secrecy.
Who is this person?
It’s me.
What was the enemy’s name? I knew it. I had known it for a long time, the name of the evil organization that tortured us, the terrible God for which Misaki had earnestly wished. Its name was…
N.H.K.
That’s right! I remembered everything now: the name of my enemy, my mission, the reason for my existence, the reason I had continued to live until now, and the reason I had spent every day empty and vapid. Yes, my life has existed only to save you. This is probably true. It’s all true, so listen to me!
Still embracing Misaki so she couldn’t pull away, I explained in brief detail. “Listen, Misaki. In this world, there is an evil organization. Its name is N.H.K. N.H.K. is a huge organization that spans the entire globe. They’re an evil, secret society, and they’re the ones who put us through this pain. It’s all the N.H.K.’s fault. After this, if anything bad happens around you, it’s all the N.H.K.’s doing. Everything is the N.H.K.’s fault!
“For starters, the name N.H.K. itself is simply a coincidence. The actual name doesn’t matter at all. If you don’t like ‘N.H.K.’, you can call it whatever you want. If you wish, you can even call it Satan. Or call it the evil God. It all means the same thing.
“It’s true. The names don’t matter at all. They’re just a set of sounds. An imaginary enemy torturing you: That is the real essence of N.H.K. For example, take that girl from my high school literature club. To her, it could signify the ‘Nihon Hiyowa Kyokai’[38], as her own weakness continually defeated her. She was weak in both mind and spirit.”
Please, stop trying to slash your wrists. Please, become happy, somehow.
I continued, “In the case of Misaki, N.H.K. means ‘Nihon Hikan Kyokai.’[39] Because of the misfortunes you were born with, Misaki, you saw everything in a pessimistic way. Please, forgive me for being alive. Don’t hate me. You always were self-defeating like that.
“Then, my own N.H.K. …
“Well, it’s actually the N.H.K.’s fault that I became a hikikomori, just as it’s their fault that you suffer, Misaki. That’s the truth. I learned this through a certain technique. I fought with them. I’ve been fighting them for a long time, but it’s no use anymore. I’ve finally fallen victim to them, and they’ll kill me before long. But Misaki, you’re fine. You must live on, in health.”
Misaki clearly was frightened as I kept spewing nonsense.
I released her and took a step back. Now, I would show her a miracle, a great miracle, in order to prove the N.H.K.’s existence. I would reveal my true nature as a strong soldier who battled the N.H.K., and I would defeat them for her.
If I did that, Misaki probably would believe my story. She would live on, smiling. She most likely would stop hating herself, and her pessimistic personality probably would be healed.
That was the answer. I would give her immutable love. You were afraid. You were afraid of being hated by others. You were afraid that others’ feelings might change. But you’ll be okay. My feelings won’t change. I love you, and that feeling absolutely will never change.
And the reason…?
“Ah! I can’t go on! It’s a psychic attack by the N.H.K.!”
I rolled around in the snow.
“Do I look like I’m going crazy? If so, then that, too, is caused by the N.H.K. I’ll be killed soon! I’ll be killed by the N.H.K.! But I’ll return the blow! Just you watch!” I got up and ran, heading for the edge of the cliff.
I started out running slowly.
“Goodbye, Misaki! My legs are moving on their own. I’m going to be killed by the N.H.K. But in the moment that I die, I plan to do something to return their strike. I’ll destroy them!”
My speed gradually was increasing.
“That’s right! In order to defeat the N.H.K., I have to sacrifice my own life so that I can use my special attack. This is why I must go, but I’ll protect you!”
I was moving at full speed now.
I had to run out into the night sky with all my strength. The cliff edge was nearing. Ah, I’ll jump. I’ll dive. I’ll use my special attack.
Because of my unbelievably idiotic end, Misaki would have to believe in the evil organization. Due to my special attack, she might see the end of that evil organization. And it probably would bring her happiness.
And despite everything, Misaki would not need to feel guilty at all.
This was all I had wanted. I always had intended to die.
***
I would fulfill my own life’s purpose and also save Misaki. Truly, this was the clearest way to kill two birds with one stone. I was the one who had planned to die. I always, always had planned to die.
After all, I even had tried to starve myself to death. But that had proven to be impossible. A weak-willed person like myself couldn’t carry through with something like a fast: My limit was four days. Then, I had worked to earn my living expenses. That was the single time I had worked hard before my death. I always had been searching for some way to die.
In short, I
was a much crazier person than you. It proves that, emotionally, I am an abnormal person. I mean, if I weren’t, then I couldn’t do something like this, right? Misaki, while you look down on me, at the same time, please accept my love or whatever it is. I’ll die soon, but Misaki, you must live on. I will defeat the N.H.K. and get rid of the evil organization. Please, believe this. If you do, you can stay alive. Misaki, you can keep living.
Watch my special attack and burn it into your mind. Look, can you see it? Can you see the Revolutionary Bomb, brightly shining in my right hand? It’s the Revolutionary Bomb that Yamazaki refrained from using, an earth-shattering bomb that destroys villains. It’s very, very weak, far too weak to blow away the N.H.K. But it’s more than strong enough to snuff out this minuscule, pathetic, worthless living creature—in short, me. And if I die, my N.H.K. also will disappear, because the N.H.K. is God. It is the entire world. And with my death, my world will dissipate. And the N.H.K. will disappear. That’s exactly why I need to do my special attack right now, with the legendary Revolutionary Bomb.
I was going to die. I was going to dive from the cliff soon. Behind me, Misaki was screaming something, but her voice no longer reached me. No one could stop me now.
This was the best! My body ran like the wind. Ah, I felt good. I felt invigorated, running as fast as I could, atop the cliffs, in the dark.
I also was scared. I didn’t want to die.
There was no reason for me to live. I didn’t want to live.
Soon, I would die. Only a few feet remained before the cliff’s edge. In mere seconds, the space of one heartbeat, I would soar out into the wide-open sky.
After just a few more seconds, swinging my arms as hard as possible and sticking out my legs as far as I could, I would dive. For the first time, I could truly escape, leave my six-mat, one-room apartment and fly higher and higher into the open sky. I would jump and fly.
Ah, just a little longer. I’ll fly soon.
I would jump into the Sea of Japan, as though I were doing a running long jump. I’d jump out…
I’m jumping…
I jumped.
I jumped!
Both my legs left the ground. My body was floating in the air, and after a few moments, my body would fall soon.
Welcome to the NHK! Page 17
