by Nikki Wild
“What?” I asked, blood draining from my face. “I - um - well - I —,” I stuttered.
“— sorry, too soon,” he said. I looked over at him, and felt like a total bitch when I saw the look on his face.
“No, that’s not it, it’s just that I - well, I was intending to keep this between us.”
“Is that so?” he asked.
“I mean - it’s not - well I just want to keep my personal and business lives separated.”
“I might be a part of your business life, Maisey, but this is hardly strictly business.”
“I know, that’s not what I meant,” I replied, flustered. “It’s just…I don’t bring men around my daughter. I just don’t think you’d be good for her.”
“You don’t think I’d be good for her?” he repeated.
“No, wait! That’s not what I —,” I began. I was a total ass and that wasn’t how I meant for that to come out. But it was too late. The damage was done.
“It’s fine,” he interrupted, turning away, but not before I saw the hurt in his eyes. “Look, she’s part of your life, and I want to be part of your life. I’m not trying to be her father. I just thought I could…”
There it was… He wasn’t trying to be her father.
“Jesse, stop… I meant to say this - not you. This wouldn’t be good for her. All of this… She’s never seen me in a relationship. I’m not sure I’m ready to take that step.”
“From the sounds of it, you’re not,” he replied, spinning around, the pain in his eyes replaced by anger. Or maybe it was a mask. Either way, his words stung. Hard.
“Maybe I’m not,” I replied, my voice rising as I turned towards the door. “I’ve gotta go.”
“Go,” he said, his words simple but full of anger.
Shit, I thought. I really fucked up now. I hurt him. I should have chosen better words, or just figured out some other reason why he couldn’t come with me. Instead, I’d hurt him and he lashed out, wanting to hurt me too.
But his words had a different effect. Instead of hurting me, they woke me up.
It was time to end this. It had gone too far. I was flying too close to the sun and my wings were melting. This was the first time he’d asked to meet Maddy, but it wouldn’t be the last. Did I really think I could continue this way without the two parts of my life overlapping or worse - colliding? Did I really think I could keep everything a secret?
I’d been a fool.
I walked towards his door, the heat of his gaze burning right into the back of my head. I wanted to turn around so badly, every fiber in my being told me to run back into his arms and apologize. I wanted to tell him everything.
But I didn’t. My pride got in the way. Or, maybe it was just my good sense had finally surfaced. Either way, it hurt like hell as my fingers wrapped around his door knob and I opened his door and walked away from the only man I’d ever loved and went back home to the girl I’d pledged my life to.
Sacrifices. I’d been making them my whole life.
But for some reason, this one hurt a whole hell of a lot more than any that had come before.
31
JESSE
Asshole.
Prick.
Dumb-ass.
Self-sabotaging fool.
Those were just a few of the names that I’d been calling myself ever since Maddy walked out the door.
I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. I’d never really done relationships, but if this was my first, then I was failing miserably at it.
I hadn’t meant to hurt her. I shouldn’t have lashed out the way I did. After having such a kick-ass day with her, laughing and joking around and flirting - I just didn’t want our day to end. That’s why I wanted to go. I hadn’t even given much thought to meeting her daughter yet, but apparently she’d given it plenty of thought herself. Small wonder she had decided it would be a big, fat mistake to introduce her daughter to the asshole playboy she’d been having a good time with at work.
And maybe she was right…
I’d been a fool to think I could be anything else, to think I could be the relationship kind of man for Maisey. I’d been so wrong. Just like always, I’d been arrogant and far too sure of myself, and just look where it got me.
None of it made any sense, though. Was I really that bad for her?
After an hour of beating myself up, I tried to call her to apologize, but she didn’t answer.
Fine, she needed space. I could do that. I was the king of needing space. I got it. I’d give her what she needed. I’d give her some time.
And if she still didn’t want anything to do with me, well, then I’d just move on, wouldn’t I? Just like I’d always done.
It had been easy in the past. Effortless…
There was only one problem.
I was in love with this girl.
True blue sappy country song love. The kind of love that makes people do stupid things.
This time my heart was involved, and moving on might not be an option.
The hours dragged by slowly, and I just couldn’t put this woman out of my mind. I put on my shoes and figured the best thing I could do was exercise.
I hadn’t been for a run since the accident, and I sure as shit couldn’t pull it off now. My knee was already starting to ache almost as much as my chest. I stepped out the door, determined to try to make it around the block. Worst case, I could chalk the day up as a complete failure…
And that was an accomplishment in itself.
32
MAISEY
Exhaustion was getting the best of me. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I could barely think. Jesse’s face, his eyes, the memory of his touch wouldn’t let go of me.
The worst thing of all? Every time I looked at Maddy, I saw him. I couldn’t even find solace in her, because all I could see was him staring back at me in her eyes. His eyes. They were one and the same. The only thing she’d gotten from me was my curls. Even her hair was the same color as his, she gestured like him, and I swear to god she even blinked like him. It was eerie.
She’d never even met him and he was imprinted on her. He was a part of her.
Letting things get this far was a mistake. A huge mistake that I’d spend who knows how long recovering from.
His comment about not trying to be Maddy’s father only solidified things in my mind.
It was a reminder of what this really was.
I’d lost my mind, a moment of temporary insanity - delicious temporary insanity, yes, but insanity just the same. I could only hope I’d regained consciousness before it was too late.
Before any irreparable harm was done.
I guess only time will tell. Right now, it felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest, shredded it, and stuffed it back in.
Raw. That’s the word. Everything felt raw and fresh and his words still stung as if he’d poured alcohol over my shredded heart.
I let him get way too deep. I should have run away from him long before now. All I needed to do was pack up my things and say to hell with this job and to hell with this city.
Instead, I’d run right into him and it’d burned me. I knew what would happen. And yet somehow, I was still attracted to his heat, knowing it would scar me forever.
I’d left his penthouse and drove down to Maddy’s school with salty tears streaming down my face. I’d pulled over a block away and gotten myself together as best as I could. When I pulled up at her school, she came bounding out of the front doors and my heart swelled with love and despair all at the same time.
I’d met a fork in the road so many years ago. I’d been so sure I’d made the right choice, but I was so young then… So naive and scared and ready to run away from all of my problems… Seeing Jesse again had me questioning every decision I’d ever made. I felt so lost and confused, and the only way I could think of to fix it was to leave him alone. There were no other choices. I struggled with my emotions all evening long, doing my best to keep it together through
dinner amongst all those damned flowers.
Now I am lying in my dark bedroom, and I’d only come up with one real, honest thought throughout the day.
I loved Jesse.
That part, at least, was the truth.
Everything else was a jumbled mess of complications and betrayal and lies and confusion and apprehension and pain that I couldn’t sort through. I drifted off to sleep finally, but it wasn’t sound, it wasn’t sweet. It was a topsy-turvy roller-coaster of sad dreams that were so terrifying I forgot them as soon as I opened my eyes.
But this time… Something was wrong.
My ears registered the sounds coming from the other room my body sprang into motion, diving through the darkness to get to Maddy as fast as possible.
33
JESSE
Nerves. What the hell? I was never nervous. I hadn’t been nervous during the play-offs, I hadn’t been nervous during the three Superbowls I’d won, hell, I hadn’t even been nervous when I was a kid in high school.
But Maisey had me filled with anxiety. I paced the room waiting for her to show up the next day. She’d ignored my calls all night. She hadn’t replied to any of my texts. I didn’t have a chance to properly apologize to her, unless you count some rambling stream of consciousness voice mail I’d left her.
And that probably made me look like an even bigger idiot.
Drama.
This is why I didn’t do relationships, I reminded myself for the hundredth time. No matter what, relationships between two people were full of pitfalls. Everything could be going along just great - just like it was going with us - and then bam! Like a bomb going off, suddenly everything was derailed and you were left floundering like a fool with your balls hanging in the wind.
That was me. Or, at least that’s what I felt like. A floundering fool, only it wasn’t my balls that were exposed, it was my stupid heart that had suddenly decided to start feeling things for people after a lifelong hiatus.
Fuck you, I silently cursed my heart as it continued to beat in my chest like an innocent toddler caught with its hand in the cookie jar. I was simultaneously anxious for Maisey’s arrival and completely pissed that I had feelings for her.
It made no sense.
But nothing had made sense since she’d shown back up in my life.
I almost jumped out of my skin when the doorbell rang. Breathless, with anxiety gripping my heart, I slowly opened the door with a smile. I’d rehearsed everything I’d say when she showed up - fuck, I’d even written it down and practiced it in the mirror. I was ready. I was nervous as a racehorse waiting to hit the tracks, but I was ready.
What I wasn’t ready for was the face staring back at me when I opened the door.
It wasn’t Maisey. No, whatever it was was the complete opposite of my lovely Maisey.
“Hello, can I help you?” I asked. The woman standing in front of me was the burliest woman I’d ever seen in my life. Her salt and pepper hair was cut close to her huge square head that rested on a pair of shoulders that could have given a linebacker a run for his money.
“I’m Helga. From Steadman Hawkins,” she replied, her accent thick, her words coming out in a clipped, robotic tone.
“Where’s Maisey?” I asked. The woman brushed past me, walking into my penthouse with authority. I stared bewildered at her back as she began pulling things out of a bag she’d brought in. I looked down at the pile she was making on my table and my heart sped up. She lined up black leather straps and pointy silver rounded tools that looked like old fashioned torture instruments.
“Ms. Jayne is unable to treat you today due to a personal issue. I’m here for your therapy.”
“Oh,” my heart fell in disappointment. “I see. Well, listen, that’s okay, I can just do things on my own today, you don’t need to be here.”
“Nonsense. Ms. Jayne may be out longer than just today,” she insisted. “We must continue your therapy, Mr. Collins.”
“Jesse,” I muttered, my eyes trailing down to her growing collection of medieval torture devices.
“You can call me Helga, Jesse,” she growled. “Now lay down. I’ve been using the same methods for over forty years and I can assure you, I get results.”
I groaned and lay down on the mat she’d laid out, keeping one eye on her and one on the door. Grady had better be close by, because I was sure I was going to be calling him for help pretty fucking soon. As she clamped some kind of heavy boot around one of my feet I was having flashbacks of a Stephen King novel.
A personal issue? What kind of goddamned excuse was that? Was she really willing to go to these kinds of lengths to avoid me?
What did I expect, really? I had no right to expect her to do anything else, not after the way I’d talked to her.
Fuck…
I looked up at Helga, and realized how fitting this all was. I sowed the seeds and now I was reaping the sour results.
“Give me your leg,” she said, her thick accent almost incomprehensible. I sighed, lifted my leg, and submitted to my punishment.
Helga left two hours later, but not after she practically killed me. I could barely move, my entire body was screaming with pain and exhaustion. My range of motion had never been better, but I was pretty sure she tore three ligaments making that happen.
The thought of spending the next few months like this was almost unbearable.
The second she was out the door I hobbled over to my cellphone and called Maria, the private investigator.
“I need you to do a little more work for me,” I said.
“Anything at all. How can I help?” she asked.
“I just need you to do a little checking on my friend again. The one you were looking into previously? Maisey? I’d like you to just tell me what’s she’s up to. Whatever you do, don’t let her know you’re watching her.”
“No problem. Am I looking for anything in particular?”
“No. I just want to make sure she’s okay, mainly. I’m worried about her.”
“Okay, you got it. I’ll get on it right now and get back to you in a few hours.”
“Thanks, Maria,” I said, hanging up.
I didn’t feel bad for having her check on Maisey. It wasn’t spying. It was concern, that’s all. There was something more going on, I could feel it in my bones. I didn’t know what. But there was some other reason Maisey didn’t want me in her life, some other explanation for why she was so determined to keep me out of it.
I’d spent ten years wondering why she left me the first time, I wasn’t about to waste another ten wondering the same thing.
I was just finishing up dinner when Maria called me. I answered on the first ring. I’d been on the edge of my seat waiting all day.
“What did you find out?” I asked.
“Well, I went to her house first, but she wasn’t there. I hung around a while, and then I saw a man go in for a few minutes and come back out with a pink backpack and a teddy bear. I followed him hoping he’d lead me to her, and he did.”
“Good, where was she?” I asked.
“At the hospital. I followed him in and he went to the pediatric wing. Looks like Ms. Jayne’s daughter was admitted last night. I did a little asking around and talked with a friend of mine who works down at County General to get some more information. She tells me the kid’s going to be ok, but she’ll be in the hospital for a few more days.”
“Oh, wow. Okay, thanks, Maria. Do you know what’s wrong with her?”
“Asthma or something? Kids hooked up to a ventilator. Look, I’m already dangerously close to breaking about twelve different laws related to patient confidentiality, so I’m not going to say any more.”
“Right, okay. Well, thanks a lot, Maria. I’ll get back in touch if I need you again.”
“Anytime, Jesse.”
“Oh! Maria? What’s the kid’s name? I’m going to send some flowers and balloons over to her room.”
“Jessica Madeline Jayne.”
“Jessica?” I asked.
Something began tugging at my brain that I couldn’t quite put a finger on, but I pushed it away as I thought about Maisey. She must be terrified.
“Yeah, they call her Maddy, I guess.”
“Maddy, right,” I said. “Thanks again.”
I hung up the phone and called the florist hoping like hell they’d restocked the store.
34
MAISEY
“It’s going to be okay, baby, we’re going to figure this out. I promise,” I held Maddy’s hand as the doctor walked out of the room. I was so upset, so worried, so fucking angry that I wanted to lash out at someone, anyone. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t let Maddy see how worried I was.
Last night had been a nightmare. One of the worst attacks we’d had so far, and I’d been scared to death as I raced her to the hospital.
She was all I had. She was everything. I couldn’t live without her, and watching her suffer was torture. I felt helpless and that made me furious more than anything else.
I was her mother. I was supposed to protect her. And I couldn’t.
It was like an invisible monster was constantly waiting for us just out of sight, just waiting to attack and knock us off our feet. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to pick up a baseball bat and kick its ass…
But I couldn’t.
There wasn’t a worse feeling in the world than not being able to protect your child.
I’d like to find a way to accept it, but I couldn’t even do that. So, I kept fighting. I kept questioning the doctors and doing my own research.
Everything just pointed to asthma and there was no real cure for that. All we could do was manage the symptoms. We’ve already tried every experimental treatment I could beg borrow or pay my way into, and still…just when we thought something might have worked, she would have another attack.
It was relentless.
