Your plans, your courage, your dreams, doing these well, being generous (which brings you and others dignity, by the way), learning – all these will let you have a lot of say in which direction you go. The mess around you now will count for very little.
And because I am an old bore I have to say this as well – you have an education and access to books. So … the hardships we find at 13 in our lives are, for most of us, even if truly intense, nevertheless pretty small compared to the hardships of kids who never have an education, a book, a safe home, a safe day. That’s not our fault, and at some point we can – must – all do something about those problems, but when life seems too unpleasantly messy, we all need to keep perspective, all through our lives, at 13 and 52.
Justin Heazlewood (aka the Bedroom Philosopher) is a Tasmanian-born songwriter, author and actor who lives in Melbourne. Most known for his writing and musical comedy works, he has released several albums, performed at many arts festivals, been nominated for an ARIA Award, published several books about the entertainment industry (including Funemployed, Affirm Press 2014) and is a regular guest on several Australian radio shows.
Dear Justin,
THINK QUICK – BEHIND YOU!
In fifteen seconds a bully is going to try and dack you. This is the single moment which will define the rest of your life at Parklands High School. I’m writing this letter to see if I can stop the cycle of pants being pulled down. Legend has it that everyone in the Heazlewood family was dacked on the first day of high school (undies and everything!).
Okay, if this letter gets to you too late – that’s okay. You will have been dacked by now and probably most of the school will have seen your bum and doodle. I reckon once you’ve been dacked you’ve got nothing to lose anyway, so you may as well play it for laughs. Jump up and down, waddle around. It’s cool. It’s like a metaphor for life. (You’ll learn about metaphors in Miss Stones’ English class – can you be honest with her about her breath, please?)
What I’m saying is: if life pulls down your pants, then pull up your socks. Try not to get angry or upset – that’s what the bullies want. Give them a smile and maintain your composure.
WARNING – IN FIVE MINUTES A BULLY WILL THROW AN APPLE CORE AT YOUR GROIN. WEAR A CRICKET PROTECTOR.
Okay, you’re on your own now. I don’t want to tell you too much because I don’t believe in corrupting the space-time continuum, and because I love the person we are today. I’m afraid you’ll have to go through all kinds of crap for the sake of ‘character building’. That said, can you do the following?
1. Never buy any basketball cards. Instead, put the money in a savings account. (Seriously, I need to pay rent this month and you don’t even play or like basketball.)
2. Eat less sugar, that’s why you get pimples.
3. The sooner you get contact lenses, the sooner girls will like you.
Here’s a good tip. Everyone’s got the same insecurities as you. That is actually the name of a song we write in 2002, so I think it’s okay that I tell you. I mean, what are we going to do? Sue ourselves for plagiarising our own idea? (That’s sort of a good metaphor for life as an artist anyway – haha, sorry mate, private joke.)
No, this is important. (CORE INCOMING!) High school is going to make you feel small and embarrassing and like all the other taller kids with better shoes and good face days have more of an idea how to live life – but the secret, and I KNOW THIS FOR CERTAIN – is that every single person, even the teachers, is secretly scared that no one will like them. So basically, no one has it any better than you – we’re all pretty equal inside our own heads.
Not that it’ll help you much because you have the THICKEST GLASSES IN THE WORLD. But at least you can save time worrying what people think about you – they’re mostly worried about themselves. Also, your ‘coke bottles’ will impress the rest of the school, so let the tough grade tens try them on. Maybe charge 20 cents a go and then keep that money in your Dollarmites account so I can pay rent. It’s okay to cry (just not at school or in public or around anyone you’ve ever met, including the cats).
I love you. Kick arse – we’re hilarious.
From your older self. Melbourne, 2015. (I’m in the future – we have phones like Penny’s ‘computer book’ in Inspector Gadget. Carlton is shit, though. Sorry.)
Kate Ceberano AM is a Melbourne-born singer whose solo album Brave earned her a 1989 ARIA Award for Best Female Artist. A year later, she won another ARIA for Best Female Artist, as well as one for Highest Selling Single. Her achievements now include five platinum albums, five gold albums and more than 1.5 million albums sold in Australia alone.
Dear Kate,
How’s it going? How are you dealing with all the savage changes that are occurring to your body and to the world around you? It’s kinda tough, yes? I know!
And there is so much I can tell you but I’m afraid you will probably continue to do it the way you will do it, because that is the way you have always gone about doing things. You will rarely repeat the same mistake twice, but you will make mistakes. But, you will learn from these mistakes … painful mistakes, embarrassing mistakes and sometimes heartbreaking mistakes, but you’d rather make them than be warned off them. It seems to be a part of your character.
This character trait is both beautiful and brave, and yet will be frustrating to you and the people who love you.
So, I will go against nature and tell you a few things to avoid, and hopefully you will listen and change your mind, and avert some dangers that lie ahead.
You will be choosing one of the most dangerous industries, fraught with emotional blackmail, greed, materialism and double values. It attracts villains and good guys alike … they are all attracted by the attention that you can create. It’s like a bankable currency that those who love money and pretty things can’t help but fall in love with. They will seek to own you, alter you and influence you, and you must resist. They will appear to know more than you and will tell you so in order to control your choices. But that is what you have that is Golden and must be protected at all cost. Choice!!!!!!
You can motivate the world around you by making strong, meaningful choices. Choices that lead you toward the greater good of those around you. So when you become a leader (and you will be one in many areas of your life) in your band, or helping others on a community council, or when you become a festival director or even when you’re singing in the chorus in ensemble … no matter how big or small, your choice is your choice and is more important than responsibility. I say that because to be responsible sometimes can feel anti-intuitive, especially when you are obliged to be responsible. If you CHOOSE to be responsible then that is the higher path.
Because the artist has only her choice. And it defines her actions above all others. It’s what makes her talent ignite and consequently affect the world around her. Good and bad.
It’s the fragile flower that blooms only when it is admired … by you!
And if your choices are compromised you may lose confidence in yourself and perhaps, from time to time, wish that you were someone else. You may get sad and compare yourself to others and come up short. You may decide to be influenced and follow others and discover that you no longer know your own mind. And forget that you ever had a choice.
But you do! And you always will.
Be brave and know that you inherited a kindness (from Grandma Kath) that is innate to you and your wish to be liked by others is actually a nice quality.
You seek to serve and your pay for helping others is to feel included. There is no crime in desiring this, but know this much … Not everyone will like you and it will hurt. Life has many different types of people and some simply reject kindness like a knee-jerk reaction. Some instinctively distrust kindness and consider that it has something unknown behind it. But as your daughter says (and, yes, you will have a beautiful girl full of kindness and grace), all people are good but some are trained badly! This is a very wise statement. You cannot alter the fact
that some people will endure all kinds of unkindness before they meet or work with you, and for them it will be synonymous with pain.
This all seems very heavy, I know, but you must be warned and try not to be liked by such people. You will break your heart trying.
On the upshot … you have a most amazing career ahead of you, full of travel, full of love and music. And you will touch people with your song and bring comfort to many.
You are your own person; lead by example and never stop trying to improve yourself and the world around you. If you keep at it, you may even leave a path for others to follow.
Grace is eternal! Live a graceful life … and have FUN!!!!!!!
Love you.
Copyright Marnye Roth
Kelley Abbey is a Brisbane-born actress, singer, dancer, choreographer and director. She has been a leading performer and choreographer in TV, film and musical theatre for more than 30 years. Kelley has worked on productions such as So You Think You Can Dance and the Oscar-winning film Happy Feet.
At 13 I was a shy kid just starting out at Corinda State High School in Brisbane. I was leaving Inala Primary and embarking on what I considered to be a foreign and scary environment on all levels. I must point out that I started dancing when I was 3 and had found an undeniable passion for the art of dance. The dance was where I got to escape. Where I got to be me. I was attending my dancing school and had made many great friends in my dance community. I had a real sense of belonging which is something that I never quite found at school. I also joined the Australian Youth Ballet Company when I was 12. In this semi-professional company I toured doing shows throughout Australia and also the UK. My schedule was very intense and even though I did well at school I almost felt I was living a double life. At dancing I was shy, but strong, powerful and felt beautiful. At school I felt self-conscious, not good enough and not pretty enough. I felt isolated and lonely. On the last day of high school I set my school shoes and uniform on fire. It was indicative of how I felt.
To my teenage self:
I wish I could travel back in time and hold you and tell you that you were beautiful, intelligent, artistic and worthy. I know you felt isolated at school. I know you felt like you didn’t fit in. I’d tell you that people didn’t embrace you as they were insecure and jealous. You had found your passion whereas others didn’t even know what they liked. Their snide comments and verbal and physical abuse came from jealousy. Teenagers can be so cruel. I feel your pain at being beaten up by girls and having had fruit thrown at your head on the school bus. I know this abuse left you not feeling good enough and ostracised. I know you were drowning in your new environment at high school. I know you were trying to make new friends, and coping with an ever-expanding amount of homework to juggle along with all of your dance life commitments. I recognise that you felt not attractive as you considered boys for the first time. I recognise the peer pressure from other kids to fit in or be initiated as ‘cool’. Puberty blues seemed insurmountable. I know you missed a lot of school as you were performing. I know you loved it this way. You’d try and catch up and excel in your work, and this was a pressure in itself but you wouldn’t have had it any other way. Little Kell, I would tell you that you did really well. You juggled a lot which is a skill that you will use in the future in the many roles you will play in your creative career. You were threatening to others because of your already awakened passion for dance and your internal power. Unbeknownst to you, you would grow and make the dance into a successful and satisfying career. You are also attractive and worthy … Which will take you a while to find out but eventually you will. Everyone has their own tempo and timing in life. They say comparison is the thief of joy and this is absolutely true. You don’t need to compare yourself with anyone else. Little Kell, you are safe and it is safe to be your authentic self: the beautiful dancing girl.
Richard Kevan Gosper AO is a Sydney-born former athlete who mainly competed in 400-metre events. He was also formerly a vice president of the International Olympic Committee. Kevan competed for Australia in the 1956 Melbourne Summer Olympics where he won the silver medal in the 4x400-metre relay with his team mates.
Thirteen is a significant milestone in age because it signals your entry to the teens.
It’s also a significant time in your growth cycle in that many normal body functions, some externally obvious like changes in height, weight and hair – and, apart from this but more particularly, many changes that are taking place in your natural chemistry and internal bodily functions – all combine to sometimes raise uncertainties in your mind.
In the process of moving from childhood you are looking to take more responsibility for yourself, but on the other hand, parental, sibling and peer pressures seem to be louder and more obtrusive. Everyone seems to be offering you advice from the moment you wake up in the morning, off to school spending days in the hands of your teachers and when you return home. Of course you are also a new boy in a big school, and the senior students and prefects can seem something of a threat. I would suggest that you focus on your school environment, which takes up most of your waking hours, and seek out one or two friends who appear to have similar interests to yourself. Try to be socially responsive without overdoing it. Don’t hesitate to seek advice and take it if it makes sense, but don’t be too anxious to please. At all times be yourself. If you run into a serious problem be prepared to talk it over with your friends, your teachers or, of course, your parents.
High school is a great time of your life. You, in fact, have more freedom to make decisions about yourself than you realise. Through your schoolwork and studies, look for subject matter that really appeals to you because you will do best in life applying yourself to the issues you favour. Finding out for yourself what you like to do, and to do it well builds your self-confidence and self-esteem, not only through your early teen years, but again later in life.
There is a lot of good in the world but ‘nothing is perfect and nothing stays the same’. You will run into difficulties and problems with people and issues, but confront these and look for a solution earlier rather than later, otherwise you will become anxious and ‘anxiety is a waste of time’. You should see these issues as small or large storms, but remember ‘storms come and go, even big storms come and go’.
Most of all, keep your mind open to opportunities. There is so much ahead of you and there are always people who will come to your aid and act as mentors.
Finally, never forget that your family is the most important source for love and advice in your life.
Layne Beachley AO is a seven-time Women’s World Champion surfer from Sydney. A 2006 Surfers’ Hall of Fame inductee and a 2011 Sport Australia Hall of Fame inductee, Layne created the Layne Beachley Foundation ‘Aim for the Stars’ in 2003 to enable young girls and women across Australia to invest in their future and fulfil their potential.
If I had the opportunity to go back in time and give my teenage self some poignant words of advice, what would they be?
‘Lighten Up!’ Life is too short to take yourself seriously, so be kinder to yourself and those that you love. Comparing yourself to others only makes you feel inadequate, so appreciate others, learn from other people’s mistakes and never put them on a pedestal. Placing them on pedestals or in pits prevents you from placing them in your heart. We all just want to be loved and accepted, even the bullies!
Being my own world’s worst critic, with high expectations, I constantly made the mistake of projecting these expectations onto others. Fortunately, the guidance, love, support and patience of my friends and family help me to focus on the important things and keep my life in perspective by choosing to stop wasting my time worrying about everything out of my control.
‘You can only control the controllable.’ Honestly, the only things we can actually control are the thoughts we have. How often are you truly aware of what you think and how these thoughts affect your life in both a negative and positive way? Where do you place your focus? Do you think about what yo
u don’t want more than what you do want? I want to be happy. I want to belong. I want to be loved. I want to be accepted. Knowing these things enabled me to take actions towards achieving these outcomes and my dream of becoming a world champion.
Thought is expansive. What you think about, you create. The more you think about it, the faster you manifest it. Ultimately you are completely responsible for your current reality, and the sooner you learn to accept accountability for how you think and feel, the faster you will be able to create the life you truly want.
When you are feeling sad, scared, anxious or alone, have the courage to reach out to friends and family. People who support you, love you, believe in you and are willing to listen without criticism or judgement. These are the honesty barometers in your life and they will be your friends and mentors forever. There are too many critics and naysayers in the world who are dream thieves and life vampires. Deprive them of oxygen! The worst thing you can do when times are tough is to run and hide because that only prolongs the pain, suffering and despair.
The ocean is where I feel completely relaxed, nurtured and connected, so spend as much time in the water as you possibly can. Surfing enables you to reconnect with your true self. How do you maintain perspective? By spending time with quality friends, and sharing fears and concerns when they arise.
Find what makes you happy and commit to making the time for that activity every day. No one can make you happy but yourself! The quality of the questions you ask, the quality of people you hang around with and the quality of choices you make determine the quality of your life.
Always believe you are deserving of love and you are enough, just the way you are. Set Your Goals, Live Your Dreams and Never Give Up.
Letter to My Teenage Self Page 6
