Watching Evelyn hurry away, Radford tightened his fists against the tingling in his hands. He hadn’t known she would react so strongly to a simple act of assistance.
But the look on her face said she thought it may have been more.
Unwilling to let her think the worst, he stalked after her. They would settle this ridiculous attraction to each other once and for all. No more pretending they didn’t feel it. They’d admit it, decide how best to bury it then get on with their lives—separately.
Preoccupied with what he’d say, Radford barreled in the back door of the livery and nearly flattened Evelyn. Her eyes flashed surprise as she backpedaled. Radford caught her arms then stumbled forward, tripping over the wheelbarrow and sending them both sprawling upon the straw-littered floor.
Jolted by the fall, neither of them had the sense to let go of the other. Like two people who hadn’t seen each other in years then unexpectedly bumped shoulders at a train station, they stared in stunned surprise.
“Are you all right?” he asked, unsure if it was Evelyn or the fall that left him short of breath.
She blinked and released her death grip on his shirt. “What are you after?”
“I was coming to apologize.”
“For what?” She tried to wiggle from beneath him.
Radford eased to her side and helped her sit up. “For what happened in the paddock.”
She stood and brushed herself off while Radford gained his feet. “It was nothing.”
He touched her elbow and turned her toward him. “I wanted to be sure you knew that. I was just trying to keep you safe.”
Her face flushed and she lowered her lashes. “I know that, Radford. But since you just plowed me over, the least you can do is brush the straw off my back.”
In the awkward silence, Radford turned her away and caught her braid in his palm. “Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked. She nodded, causing the thick, silken braid to slip across his palm. Radford let out a slow breath to calm himself. Being near her was making him crazy. He had to get out of here.
Unconsciously, he wrapped the skein around his wrist and ran his free hand over the strands, feeling as bound by the silk as he was by his feelings for her.
A sprinkling of hay fragments trickled down from the loft, sparkling like gold dust as it crossed the thick shaft of sunlight slanting in the open door. The stillness of the livery should have calmed him, but within him raged a battle he was losing.
“This has to stop, Evelyn.”
She turned to face him, her expression confused.
“Don’t look at me like that. You know what I’m talking about,” he said. He watched a deep red hue spread across her face and was sorry his bold statement had embarrassed her. “We need to squelch these feelings.”
“I know,” she said, her gaze sliding away.
Radford tipped her chin until she met his eyes. “If the situation were different, I’d pursue this.”
She nodded, but didn’t speak.
“My allegiance is to Kyle.”
“So is mine,” she said, her head jerking up, her expression offended. She straightened her shirt and stepped away from him. “You should go back to the mill, Radford.”
“I can’t,” he said softly, unable to keep the pain of his loss out of his voice.
“Yes you can. You’ve got to make Kyle stop playing this game. Just tell him you’re coming back then do it.”
Realizing Evelyn didn’t know about his confrontation with Kyle, Radford could only shake his head. “It’s not an option,” he said then walked out the back door before he punched his fist through the wall.
Several hours later, Radford flopped upon his mattress searching for sleep, begging for it, wishing with all his soul that he could find peace in that black oblivion. But his eyes refused to stay closed and his mind continued to torment him with conversations that made his heart race.
The memory of his brothers’ guilty faces staring back at him made him ache. He hadn’t been prepared for Kyle’s hurtful accusations. Radford could understand Kyle’s need to protect what he’d sweated over. No one knew better than Radford the fierce urge to protect, whether it be an inconsequential possession or his very life. Radford had learned survival during the war and that instinct had perched on his shoulders, sinking its long claws in too deeply to be removed.
But he was so weary of battling and fighting and running. All he wanted was to share his life with his family, to give Rebecca the happiness a little girl deserved, and to work at something he could take pride in. The profits at the mill didn’t entice him. His years with the railroad had left him financially comfortable and he would have mentioned that to Kyle, but it dawned on him that the issue wasn’t money, it was control. Kyle was more concerned with losing his position than sharing profits. Now, it was a moot point and didn’t matter anymore.
Radford flipped his pillow and folded his arms behind his head. He concentrated on keeping his breathing even and encouraged his mind to turn away from the painful confrontation with his brothers. Think of good things, he told himself. Like the sound of Rebecca’s giggle and the way her nose wrinkles when she’s confused. Those thoughts made him smile and the knowledge that she was happy here comforted him.
It was because of Evelyn. Rebecca felt safe with her. But Radford didn’t. Not by a mile.
He mulled over their problem, turning it in every possible direction, but the answer eluded him throughout the long hours of the night. By morning he was exhausted and thoroughly sick of agonizing over the emotions that were draining him. On the way into the kitchen, he stubbed his toe on Evelyn’s chair and gave her a growl for a greeting.
“You look tired,” she said.
“I am.” He poured a cup of coffee and took a gulp. The liquid scorched his throat and his eyes watered.
“Did you have another nightmare?”
After the incident with his brothers, Radford had heard enough references to his past. And though he despised the need to do it, he was resolved to end his personal bond with Evelyn. Today. He placed his cup in the sink and turned to face her. “I believe that’s my business.” He forced himself to ignore her wounded expression, and he left the house.
Throughout the morning, despite his increasing shame, Radford treated Evelyn harshly. Shutting her out was the only way he was going to keep from betraying Kyle, and Radford couldn’t do that when she was all sweetness and honey. He needed her to be angry enough to want to avoid him because he’d never manage it alone.
Though she’d followed him to the livery that morning without complaint, he could see the hurt in her eyes each time she glanced at him. He wiped the sweat off his forehead. It was cool outside, but he felt hot and sweaty and deeply agitated.
Evelyn stood up, brushed her hands against her thighs then approached him. “This isn’t the way to do it,” she said softly. Her eyes darkened and she touched his arm. “We’re spending too much time together. If you’d go back to the mill, I’m sure the tension would ease and we’d both feel differently in a few days.”
“Do you really believe that?” he asked, stung that she assumed the depth of his feelings were that shallow, and then wondering how deep hers ran.
“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “It might help.”
He shook his head, knowing that distance wouldn’t kill his feelings for her.
“Please go,” she pleaded… “Before we do something stupid again, go back to the mill and tell Kyle to send someone else to help me in the livery.”
“I can’t!” He stepped away from her and shoved his fingers into his hair. “I have Rebecca’s welfare to think about. I can’t uproot her again. And I can’t step on Kyle to get what I want... Why don’t you go?” he said suddenly, determined to drive her out of the livery. “Marry Kyle now. Go live in his house. Have his children. Do whatever you need to do, but stay away from me.”
Evelyn gasped and stared at him with pain-filled eyes that sliced him to the marrow, but he bit his tongue to stop his
apology. He needed to get her away from him.
Without a word, she bolted out the back door.
He watched her run across the pasture. She mounted her white Thoroughbred bareback then raced across the orchard toward the house she would soon share with Kyle. Radford should have felt glad that she was going to his brother, but he wasn’t glad at all. He felt nauseous and heartsick.
Evelyn slowed Gabrielle to a trot as they skirted Kyle’s mill then slowly descended into the gorge where she and Radford had gone to gather rocks only days earlier. The waterfalls rippled the surface of the pool as Evelyn slid from Gabrielle’s back. She yanked off her boots, eager to submerse her hot body. As she pulled off her clothes a soft breeze touched her bare skin. With arms stretched toward the sky, she lunged, diving into the crystal pool, reveling in the silky coolness against her flushed skin.
She cut the water with clean, quick strokes and swam to the falls where she perched on a shelf of shale rock that rested beneath them. Head back, eyes closed, she opened her mouth and held her breath. The cool, cleansing water rushed across her teeth and tongue, forming a much smaller version of the falls.
Wrapped in her cocoon of thunder and splatter, she lifted her hands, palms up, fingers bent, letting the liquid rush under her nails. She leaned forward, enjoying the massage on her sore muscles until the pounding falls became too much and she moved to where it dropped more softly. Through the falling water, the sun created an illusion of glittering gold reminiscent of Radford’s eyes. Evelyn closed her own eyes, wanting to savor the memory of the tender man she’d known before Radford had become so hurtful. She knew what he was trying to do, but his words still cut.
She had to forget him. She must!
Heart pounding, she shot from beneath the falls and crossed the pool. She drove herself from one side to the other, seeking to drive out the thoughts that plagued her. Her arms tired and her legs cramped, but she continued to swim until she could barely drag herself out of the water. On the loamy shore she stood trembling near her discarded clothing.
Even her exhaustion couldn’t assuage the guilt she felt for thinking about Radford when she should be thinking about Kyle, because she had done the unforgivable.
She had fallen in love with Radford Grayson.
Chapter Sixteen
“I’ll carry you over the threshold on our wedding night,” Kyle explained to Evelyn as he opened the door of their half-finished home. Though she’d peeked inside the house when she last visited the mill, this was the first time Kyle was willing to show it to her.
Evelyn followed him inside feeling as if she shouldn’t be here. Not after she had considered breaking their engagement. It had seemed the honest thing to do when she realized she loved Radford, but Radford didn’t want her. He had pointedly avoided her the past week, forcing Evelyn to ignore her aching heart.
“We have a lot to do yet,” Kyle said, closing the door behind them.
She tried to smile as she surveyed the house. It still had bare walls and partially finished ceilings, but Kyle and his brothers had accomplished an amazing amount since she’d seen it a month earlier.
Kyle guided her to the kitchen. “This is your domain,” he said then began a rapid succession of questions that boggled her mind. He asked how many cupboards she wanted and where she’d like them placed, if she wanted drawers for her vegetables or preferred cupboards. Would she like a maple table or did she prefer oak? Would the Acme six-plate stove he’d ordered be big enough, or did she need a bigger one? He delivered the questions in the same brusque manner he used at the mill and she felt no excitement in choosing.
Shaking off her melancholy, Evelyn gave her opinion then returned to the parlor with Kyle where they decided on furniture. “The stove will sit near this inside wall to heat the house more efficiently,” he said then pointed to a room off the parlor. “I added this other room for your father in case he changes his mind about living with us.”
He was trying so hard to please her that Evelyn choked on her guilt, but it did not diminish her feelings for Radford.
“The second floor is unfinished so we can add bedrooms as we need them,” Kyle said. “I thought we’d see how quick our children come before putting up walls.”
In that instant, their impending marriage became real, and Evelyn realized she was going to spend the rest of her life with this man and have his children. Kyle would be her confidant and lover. He would be the center of her life, like the stove in their house. But how could she fuel his fire when she felt as cold as a stone? Could she learn? Would their home resonate with warmth and laughter, or sit silent and cold like the empty stove?
Her legs quaked as she followed him down the hallway leading to the back of the house.
“This is our bedroom, Ev.” Sincerity filled his voice, but Evelyn’s throat was too dry to reply. A massive fireplace lined one wall, and a large window filled the other. Outside the clear glass, a huge maple tree that was starting to change color looked like a beautiful painting that had been intentionally framed by the window. The room was designed to hold several large pieces of furniture, and Evelyn knew Kyle had given this room the most attention for her.
Shamed by her unfaithful feelings in the face of his generosity, she buried her face against his chest. “I love it, Kyle. Truly, I do.”
He embraced her. “Well, that’s a relief. I can’t tell what pleases you these days.”
“I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind with Papa being ill, but I promise I’ll be a good wife.” She meant it with all her aching heart. She would honor her husband no matter what it cost her.
“I’ve got a lot on my mind, too. I made a mess with Radford that I need to handle.” He shoved his hair off his forehead, his expression pained as he told Evelyn how Radford had overheard them arguing over the mill and the extent to which the conversation had escalated, ending with Radford relinquishing his part ownership.
“Oh, Kyle…” It made sense now why Radford couldn’t go back to the mill. “You should have given Radford time to prove himself before assuming he wanted the mill.”
Kyle stuffed his hands in his pockets and hunched his shoulders. “I know, but when he started showing up at the mill a couple of weeks ago, I thought he would eventually want his position back.”
“If he’d wanted the mill, I can’t help thinking he would have come home long before this.”
“I realize that now,” he said wretchedly.
“What happened to you, Kyle? You used to be so good-natured and fun. Now you only care about the mill. You seem almost greedy at times.”
“Greedy?” Kyle bristled. “I’m building you a house and filling it with new furniture and you consider me greedy?”
“You’re offering what you think I want, but I would prefer to have the man I used to laugh with, the boy who could dream. Not this person who would choose a business over his own brother.”
Kyle’s chin came up, pain flashing in his eyes. “I didn’t choose the mill over Radford. I made a stupid mistake.” Kyle shook his head. “Radford should have demanded his due, but he apologized. He gave up the mill and hasn’t said a word about it since, and he’s helped on our house every night.” Kyle rubbed his temples. “Maybe he really doesn’t care about the mill and I’m worrying about all this for nothing.”
Seeing that Kyle was genuinely regretful over what had happened made Evelyn feel sympathy for both men. “I think you can assume that Radford is hurt by this and that he wants to be a partner in the mill.”
With a deflating sigh, Kyle leaned against the wall. “How do I fix this mess?”
“I don’t know.” She had her own emotional mess to worry about fixing. “Let Radford know that you want him here, but don’t push him, Kyle. I don’t think Radford is someone who can be pushed.”
Evelyn waited until the next day before approaching Radford. She heard his hammer ringing in the small stone room off the back of the livery. She listened until it was silent before she knocked on the heavy woo
den door.
A moment later Radford peered out at her. “Need something?” he asked.
Dirt and sweat streaked his face, his damp hair curling against his neck. “May I come in?” she asked, wondering why men were irresistible when they were filthy.
Reluctantly, Radford stepped aside and let her enter. The door closed behind her and Evelyn was thrust into inky blackness. Radford’s boots crunched across the cinders then the bellows huffed and the forge filled the small area with peachy light. It glowed warmly upon his face and Evelyn was thankful she could see his eyes. It allowed her to see the things he wouldn’t admit.
“I don’t assume you want to take up blacksmithing?”
“No,” she answered quietly. “I saw Kyle last night and I thought you might like to talk.”
“No, thanks.” He pulled the long metal bar from the furnace and placed the horseshoe on the anvil. He dismissed her with a glance then pounded the iron shoe until her ears ached. Radford stuck the tongs in the fire and she waited. He turned the hot piece of iron and his jaw clenched. He pumped the bellows until she wanted to wring his neck.
“Radford!”
He glanced up and Evelyn could only guess at the fierce emotions roiling within him. Anger? Pain? Resentment? His chest and head were illuminated by the fire, but the rest of him remained shadowed.
“I want to talk with you. Please.”
His shoulders slumped and he stepped away from the forge. “You’re not going to leave it alone, are you?”
Evelyn shook her head. “You’ve given me a gift that I’d like to repay.”
“A gift?” he asked in surprise. “I’ve intruded in your livery and burdened you with a four-year-old who won’t give you a moment’s peace. I wouldn’t call that a gift.”
Evelyn smiled. “I love Rebecca, and despite our personal problem, you’re not in the way. My back aches considerably less since you’ve been here and, though I never thought I’d say this, it’s nice having someone to work with again.”
Twice Loved Page 13
