Rebecca give the kitten serious consideration. “His name can be Mittens,” she said, pointing to his white paws.
Evelyn nodded. “That’s a perfect name for him.”
Rebecca put him down and scooped up another kitten. He dangled from her hands and she tucked him against her chest. “I like this one. I’m gonna call him Wiggles.”
Evelyn smiled and stroked Rebecca’s back, enjoying their moment together.
The mother cat sauntered over and rubbed against Evelyn. “Hey, Missy, are you checking on your babies?” Evelyn asked.
“That’s their mama?”
Evelyn nodded and wiped a tear off Rebecca’s cheek with her thumb. “She’s making sure we take care of them.”
Rebecca bent over and looked into Missy’s face. “Your babies got names now,” she said. When she popped back up, she looked at Evelyn with a curious expression. “Where’s your mama?”
The question was so totally unexpected that Evelyn was momentarily at a loss for words. How did a person explain to a four-year-old that her mother was dead. “Do you know what heaven is, Rebecca?”
“That’s where my grandpa went.” She looked at Evelyn with sad, lost eyes. “Now I can’t see him no more.”
Evelyn cupped Rebecca’s chin. “Did you know that Grandpa can still see you?”
Rebecca’s eyes widened. “He can?”
“Sure. Heaven is all around us. When you go there, you can see everything.” She tucked Rebecca’s curls behind her tiny ear. “I’ll bet Grandpa is watching you right now.”
“Really?” Rebecca asked, her eyes wide. She scooped up Wiggles, held him over her head, and hollered to the barn roof, “Look, Grandpa! I got a kitten!”
In that moment, Evelyn knew that loving someone was worth any sacrifice, and that she would do whatever it took to save Radford and his precious daughter.
“I have a surprise for you,” Evelyn said, hoping to entice Rebecca away from the kittens and into the house. She took the babies from Rebecca’s lap and put them back with their mother.
After taking the lantern downstairs and setting it on the floor, Evelyn climbed the ladder and guided Rebecca down from the loft. She lifted Rebecca onto her hip and tucked her wool coat around them. She picked up the lantern then dashed through the frigid, swirling snow to the house, wondering if Radford was still wandering in the cold night.
“Is that the surprise?” Rebecca asked, pointing at a small blanket-covered mound beside the sofa.
Evelyn nodded. “Go ahead,” she said, smiling at Rebecca’s eager expression.
Rebecca trotted across the floor then pulled the cover aside. With a shriek of pure joy she reached into the cradle. “My dollie!” She clutched the doll to her chest and turned her bright face to Evelyn. “It’s my dollie!”
The brilliance of Rebecca’s smile was a sight Evelyn knew she’d never forget and she was glad she hadn’t hidden the doll away for Christmas as she’d planned to do. This gift was too special, too significant to be given for a holiday. Gifts from the heart weren’t meant to be saved.
Rebecca was asleep when Kyle knocked on the door, and Evelyn’s jaw dropped when she saw him. He was the last person she expected to see at two o’clock in the morning. His eyes were dark and his cheeks were red from the wind. Her eyes misted. “You didn’t find him, did you?” she asked.
He shook his head and pushed the door shut with his foot. “Boyd’s been gone a while though, so I think they might be together. Duke’s going into town to make sure. I know it’s late, but I thought you’d want to know what’s happening.”
“Thank you, Kyle.” She caught his cold fingers and warmed them in her palm. “I don’t deserve your kindness after everything I’ve put you through. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
He pulled his fingers free and shrugged as if her betrayal hadn’t bothered him at all, but Evelyn knew better.
“I’d like to explain what happened,” she said softly.
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
He looked so capable standing there with his wide shoulders and thick arms, but whether he loved her or not, his muscles of steel couldn’t protect his heart from the pain.
“Please. I owe you so much more than an apology.” She met his eyes so he could see the sincerity in hers. “I think Radford’s betrayal cut the deepest and I’m sorry for that, too. We were both unintentionally selfish.”
Kyle looked at the ceiling and let out a huge sigh. “Would you mind if I went home?”
“Don’t go.” Evelyn caught his hand. “Please give me a minute.”
Reluctantly, he met her eyes then sat down at the table.
Evelyn sat beside him. “You’ve been my friend forever,” she began quietly. “I’ve always shared everything with you, my troubles, my laughter, my tears, but after your father died, you changed. You didn’t talk with me anymore. You were preoccupied with the business and that eventually consumed you. After a while we didn’t share anything but unspoken memories. I shouldn’t have agreed to marry you, Kyle. It was selfish of me. But Papa was ill and the livery was failing and I... I wanted a family. I knew you could give me that, and also the security I needed.”
“Evelyn—”
She covered his lips with her fingers. “It was the wrong reason to marry you,” she insisted, lowering her hand to her lap. “I found that out when Radford came home and let me care for his daughter. I fell in love with Rebecca, and in sharing her with Radford, we formed bonds that drew us closer. Radford and I were both misfits and we found something in each other that we needed. No matter how we tried to ignore those feelings, they eventually strengthened until they wouldn’t let us go. You see, I had nothing else holding my heart away from all of that. I didn’t know the man I was engaged to. If I’m to be completely truthful, Kyle, I still don’t believe our old friendship would have been strong enough for a happy marriage.”
“I thought we had something special,” he said.
“We did. We had a wonderful friendship that became overshadowed by our responsibilities. I was hoping to find the spark we were missing. I was prepared to give everything I had in search of that. I just couldn’t find it in the arms of my friend.”
He nodded in resignation as if he’d already known the answer, but had been unwilling to admit it. “You found that spark with my brother.”
“Yes. I’m sorry.”
He looked at her, his expression vulnerable. “Was it impossible to love me just a little?”
Evelyn lifted her hand and stroked his jaw. “I loved you more than a little, Kyle. You were like a brother to me. That’s why I couldn’t love you like a woman should love her husband. I had already found a special place for you in my heart.”
He closed his eyes. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too.” Evelyn moved into his embrace and he stood up, pulling her against him. They held each other like family members who have been away from each other too long.
“Is it okay if I’m not your friend for a while?” he asked, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I think it’s going to take some time for my heart to figure out where to put you.”
Evelyn hugged him. “Just promise to find a place for me.” She put her hand over his heart. “Do you think you can find room in here for Radford, too?” Their eyes met and Evelyn realized how raw Kyle was inside, how deeply he felt Radford’s loss.
He sighed and stepped away.
“You hold a big part of his heart, Kyle. He needs you. With you out of his life, Radford has become a lonely, empty man.”
“It’s becoming a lonely winter for all of us from what I hear.”
His knowing look made Evelyn blush. “Radford’s having some difficulty working things out.”
“We all are.” A sad smile crossed his face, and he gave her a quick hug. “Get some rest. We’ll find him.”
Evelyn caught his hand and squeezed. “There is a woman out there who will honestly deserve you. Find her and be happy. You deserve it.”
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Chapter Twenty-seven
After Kyle left, Evelyn huddled in her quilt and watched the firelight flicker behind the small glass plate in the stove. The wind shook the house and pelted the windowpanes with hard-edged sleet that sounded like pebbles. Even the walls seemed to moan with her as she buried her face in her arms.
How she longed for a house filled with Radford’s and Rebecca’s laughter and the sound of her father’s cane thumping across the floor. If she could just feel the warmth of Radford’s embrace, instead of a worn afghan and an Acme wood stove, it would help her survive the emotional storm raging within her.
The wind moaned like a wounded soldier and a shutter banged in the kitchen. She prayed it wouldn’t blow off before dawn, which was only an hour away. She’d been up all night waiting to hear if they’d found Radford, and her stomach was so tense, she was nauseous.
A loud bang made her leap from the couch. That was not a shutter pounding on the kitchen door! With her heart racing, she rushed to the door, expecting Boyd or Duke, but when she opened it, the gust of frigid air was not much of a shock compared to the sight of Radford standing in the pelting ice. Snow clung to his eyebrows and beads of ice stuck to his face. The wind whisked his breath away in a long, frosty funnel. It ripped at his hair, snaking it out around his hat in short, snapping strands, but he stood before her in his barn jacket, seemingly oblivious to the biting night.
“I can’t tell a tale like your father,” he said, “but if you have time to listen, I’m willing to try.”
Stunned, Evelyn looked at Radford’s outstretched, trembling hand. Was he finally reaching out? She caught Radford’s cold fingers and pulled him inside, closing out the world as she shut the door behind them. “I’ve been worried sick, Radford!”
“Boyd told me what happened—after he slugged me.” He met her eyes; his own were dark pools of pain. “As surely as you see me standing here, Evelyn, I vow I’ll never put you or Rebecca through anything like this again. Is she really all right?”
“She’s in bed sleeping with her new doll, but you’ll need to talk to her tomorrow. She thought Boyd and Duke hurt you, and that you were leaving her again.”
He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. “I had no idea. I thought she was sleeping. I just needed to get outside and clear my head for a while.”
“You were gone for hours! Where’d you go?”
“To the Pemberton. I pounded on the door until Patrick let me inside.” He shrugged, his self-disgust evident in his expression. “I thought a drink would calm me down.” He chafed his hands and glanced longingly at the stove in the parlor. “If there’s any coffee in that pot, I could use a cup.”
His eyes were rimmed with shadows and old bruises that Evelyn wanted to smooth away, but she reached for his hat instead, knowing she couldn’t rush him to tell her what was burdening his conscience.
Radford caught her wrist and brushed his cold palm over her knuckles. He brought it to his mouth and placed his lips against her skin, pausing as if to savor the essence of her. “I miss you.” Pain rimmed his eyes. “I reach for you in my sleep. I see Rebecca’s face when she’s with you and I know we should be together. But you deserve so much more. I thought I could come home and start a new life, but I brought my old one with me. I needed to give Rebecca a settled home, but she’s miserable. I’ve stolen from my brother and beat him with my own fists.” He gripped the bridge of his nose with his fingers and his voice trembled. “I feel like I’m still fighting the war, Evelyn. Every action I take is destructive. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Take off your coat, and talk to me. Tell me what you can’t let go of. Even if it doesn’t make a difference for you, or stop your nightmares, at least I’ll understand what’s haunting you.”
He gazed at her, his eyes raw with unspoken pain. “You deserve to know the caliber of man you fell in love with.”
“Then come sit down and I’ll see if there’s any tea left in the pot.”
Radford stepped out of his boots and hung his coat and hat on the peg beside the door. He took two kitchen chairs to the parlor and placed them close to the stove. With a weary sigh, he sank onto the chair and pulled Evelyn down beside him. “Your shutter blew off the kitchen window.”
Evelyn reached for the kettle on the stove and poured Radford a cup of tea. “It’ll probably blow across town by morning.”
Radford took the offered cup. “I stuck it behind the wood bin. I’ll put it back on tomorrow.” He stretched his legs out in front of him, propping his feet on the foot rail that circled the bottom of the stove. Evelyn stood up, but he caught the belt on her wrapper. “Where you going?”
“To get another cup.”
“We can share this one.”
The irony of sharing a cup of tea in the late-night hours made her eyes tear. She had tried to explain this sort of closeness to Kyle, but he’d never really understood. With Radford, it was as natural as breathing.
She sat down and let him drink in silence while he lost the chill of the storm. Slowly, his shoulders relaxed and the tension in his face eased. “Thank you,” he said, passing her the half-full cup of tea. He extracted a cheroot from his pocket and paused, his expression questioning. “Do you mind?”
Mind? He couldn’t know how desperately she’d longed for this moment. When she shook her head, he dropped his feet to the floor, opened the cast-iron door, and touched his cigar to the flames. When it was lit, he leaned back and put it to his lips. The motion was fluid, male, and oddly beautiful.
She absorbed every detail about him as she sipped her tea and inhaled the sweet aroma of his cheroot. It brought back memories of soft summer evenings and one glorious night of Radford’s lovemaking. Closing her eyes, she hoped he would find his way back to her, that he would claim the strength necessary to break free of his past, that he would trust her.
His fingers grazed her jaw and her eyes opened. “I’m sorry I broke my promise.” He lowered his hand and rested his wrist on his knee, his cigar forgotten between his fingers. “I wanted to marry you and protect you and be here when you needed me. All I’ve done is ruin your future then walk out on you when you needed me most. I’m beginning to realize that it doesn’t matter what kind of man I’ve been. It’s the man I’m becoming without you that scares me the most.”
He sat quietly, staring at the stove. “There was a time when I thought I knew all about honor and keeping promises. When I went to war in my father’s place, I was determined to make him proud that a Grayson was doing his part for the Union.” Radford laughed, but it was hollow and self-depreciating. “I was so green, so naive.”
“You were only a boy.”
“Not for long. Our regiment was involved in our first major skirmish at Chancellorsville. We were up to our necks in Grays and they were blowing us apart. Literally. I was scared to death.”
Evelyn saw the shame in his eyes, but she waited for him to tell his story.
“I deserted my troop that day like a coward.”
“You claimed that status once before, but I don’t believe it. Papa disputed it also.”
He looked at her in disbelief. “I deserted during a battle. Our regiment was trapped on a hillside and we ate dirt for hours, but the Rebs never let up. Their shells were pecking away our flesh like buzzards on a dead carcass. When the man beside me was cut in half by shrapnel, I panicked and ran. I didn’t even try to help him, Evelyn. I just ran through the shelling and bolted into the trees. I kept on running until I saw the enemy flanking our regiment’s backside. Your dad was back there on that hill.”
“What did you do?” she asked softly.
He opened the stove, tossed the cigar inside, and latched it shut. He leaned back with a hard sigh. “I went back to warn them, but I was too late. Most of our men were caught in thickets and cut down. Your dad and I barely made it out with only a few others.”
“You earned your medal for warning your troop about the attack, didn’t you?”
He nod
ded. “I should have been shot for deserting, not honored for an act of cowardice.”
“It took a brave man to risk his life and return. A coward would have thought of himself.”
“I didn’t earn that medal, Evelyn. I felt ashamed when I looked across the fire at your father. He had stayed in the middle of that battle because that was his duty. He knew I deserted.”
Though she understood his fear and shame, Evelyn didn’t agree. Most deserters would have kept on running. Radford went back. That was all she needed to know. “Who is Thorn?” she asked softly.
He glanced at her in surprise. “Who told you about him?”
“You called his name in your nightmares. Was he a friend?”
Radford’s nostrils flared, his expression pained. “Thorn and I met during the war, but he was more than a friend. He was like a brother.”
The idea made her smile. “How did a Billy Yank befriend a Johnny Reb during the war?”
“You wouldn’t believe the crazy things that went on out there. Thorn and I met at Gettysburg. He and two other Confederate skirmishers were captured near our ranks. We had to guard them until they could be taken off with the other prisoners.” Radford shook his head, a melancholy smile lifting his lips. “I’d never met anyone like him. He sat there in the middle of the whole Union army while bullets ricocheted off trees and drilled holes in the earth around us, and he wasn’t a bit intimidated. We were ducking shrapnel and he asked if we Yanks had any good coffee brewing. We all stared at him like he was crazy, but he just shrugged and offered us a smoke. The craziest part was that we all took a puff and moaned with pleasure.”
“Did you see him again?”
He nodded. “Thorn returned to the Confederate force when the government swapped prisoners. I met up with him again at Kennesaw, Georgia, and later at Stevenson, Alabama. We were there for five months without any real skirmishes. Thorn was posted across the river as a picket for the Rebs. Mostly, he spent his day yelling across the water to us; everything from ribald jokes to the best way to win a poker hand. A few of us started rowing across the river to play cards with him, but our commanders were concerned about leaking war secrets so they put a stop to it. After that, Thorn and I met late at night. I traded coffee for his sweet Southern tobacco, and we became friends. We told each other about our families and what we were going to do when the war was over. I promised Thorn that I’d come south someday and see how a Southern boy learned to tell such good jokes and grow fine tobacco. We made a lot of plans,” Radford said, his voice trailing off to a whisper.
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