Upon closer inspection, it was unmistakable where it had been sent from.
First the guitar, now this. Was he trying to purposely hurt me? Why couldn’t he just let me go on with my life? Why did he have to be a constant reminder? My mind reminded me of him constantly already, thank you very much. What was he trying to accomplish, exactly?
Fuck it. I wasn’t having it. I ripped the envelope open with a movement so sudden, it even startled Helga, who was still studying me to see how I’d react. I exhaled a breath with the rip of the paper.
I looked inside and got out what I knew I would find.
It was wrapped in an additional layer of bubble wrap. Whoever packaged this, really tried to make sure it arrived in one piece. I couldn’t help but appreciate that.
Nothing sucked like broken CD cases. It made the experience of listening to a new CD a little less sweet. The cover was simple and understated, just a picture of him walking down the street. I couldn’t see his face, as the picture was taken from behind. It looked very retro, and somehow familiar. My eyes fell on his name, and the title of the album, “The Opposite of Chaos,” which he had talked about in the interview Ally made me read. There was something else about this picture that struck me as oddly familiar: it didn’t look like Nashville at all.
Well, I had never been to Nashville, but I had seen pictures, and I was pretty sure it didn’t look so much like New York City. I immediately wanted to read a million things into that. Besides his brother, Lou didn’t seem to have ties to New York City, so it wouldn’t make any sense why he would choose to be photographed there. He and whatever photographer he worked with, could have taken this picture anywhere else. But no, it had to be New York. I couldn’t help but think it had something to do with me. I suddenly felt Helga’s eyes on me. I forgot she was still standing there across the bar. I fought to open the CD from the tape that was holding the case together, and I looked at the “promotional copy” stamp on the CD. I could do this. There was no reason to freak. I had contributed to this album. It was me playing on many of these songs…and singing too. I could do it. No big deal.
“I can’t do it,” I muttered.
Helga reached for my hand. I let her hold it for barely a second. I felt claustrophobic, I had to get out. I put my coat and scarf back on.
“I’m going for a walk,” I managed to tell Helga, who kept looking at me with eyes full of concern until I shut the door behind me.
I ended up going for a long walk, and then I went to Ally’s. I couldn’t recall when the last time I had lain down on this couch. It never failed, it always made me feel better and more relaxed. These days, I didn’t need to relax, I was usually too busy with school and other things to be restless. Except today—today, lying on this couch with the soothing sound of my friend typing away on her laptop’s keyboard, was just what I needed.
“I don’t understand,” Ally said, as she kept typing on her keyboard. “Why are you surprised? He got you a freaking guitar last month. Why wouldn’t he send you the album you worked on together? It’s obvious he’s still in love with you.”
“Actually, no ‘I love yous’ were ever professed.”
“That’s a technicality. It’s obvious he’s crazy in love with you. He might not have had the guts to say it at the right time—and I’m sure he’s kicking himself now—but that doesn’t mean he’s not crazy about you. Trust me. I saw him in the last month. He is.”
“Whatever.” It’s not that I wasn’t pleased to hear that, but that was just her opinion, and furthermore, I couldn’t risk starting to indulge and believe every single one of the words she was saying.
“God, how can you be so stubborn?” she yelled. “If I were you, I wouldn’t be able to stop googling him or watching his videos over and over. Do you ever do that?”
“I did months ago,” I admitted. “A couple of times, after I first got back, and then I realized I was obsessing for nothing. There was nothing I could do about us. I have been trying to do other things with my time.”
“And I’m really proud of you. You’ve been working really hard. And that chick from your class, she’s really cool. You guys are good with the dueling pianos thing.”
On top of everything else I was already trying to juggle, my friend Sara and I had started playing together at Johan’s. Just like me, she had a classical music background, and was already working on a solo project. We had gotten close during class, and we both felt like we needed to push our boundaries more. Ally had called it dueling pianos, but it was really just Johan’s piano and a keyboard. We would alternate on both instruments and try to do songs that were completely out of our comfort zone. We had a lot of fun playing together and bouncing ideas off each other; we had even gotten some people from our class and Professor Berg to come see us a couple times.
“Thanks. I like playing with Sara, she’s a lot of fun…”
“But back to Mr. Rivers,” she cut me off, and I groaned in response. She got up from her chair and she came to sit on the couch. “Scoot over.” I sat up and hugged my legs to my chest.
“So, why haven’t you called him?”
“I deleted his number.”
“You could have asked any of us for his number. Why don’t you call him? Why haven’t you called him already? I just told you I know for a fact how he feels about you.”
“How can you be so sure? I haven’t seen him in so long. It seems so stupid to be hung up on a guy I haven’t seen or talked to in months.”
“You talked to him during the holidays.”
“Yeah, for five minutes. I don’t think that qualifies as ‘being in a relationship with somebody!’”
“Did you not hear me tell you just now how much he cares about you?” she said with a smile and a shake of her head. “You really are annoyingly stubborn.” She gave me a look that reminded me of when she had her attorney “game-on” face. She was good at that. Her face looked like she was saying “I know things, and I might or might not share them with you.”
“Do you know something I should know, Ally?”
“Besides the obvious, you mean?”
“Argghhh!” I exclaimed in frustration. “You know what? No, I don’t want to know anything. I’m leaving. I have things to do.”
The opened padded envelope was waiting for me on my desk. Helga must have taken it up to my room. Thanks a lot, Helga.
Oh well, let’s just do this. I opened the CD case again, took out the booklet and browsed through the pictures and the lyrics of the songs. My heart ached when I came across a picture of him. He had one of his full, beautiful, genuine smiles, the kind that made his dimples show up. I focused on the picture a few more seconds, and pretty soon I was smiling too. I might have had a few tears tickle my eyes, but the smile never left my face as I remembered how it felt to be with him. How it felt to be kissed by him. I skipped looking at the thank-yous, wanting to save them for a time when I’d feel like less of a mess.
I put the radio with the CD player by my bed. I plugged in my monster headphones and lay down on my mattress. I took a deep breath and exhaled before I pressed play. I knew these songs, I had played them myself many times. It shouldn’t have felt any different hearing them now, right? But it was. It was like reliving everything all over again. If I thought before that hearing his voice would drag me into the depths of sadness, I was wrong. Tears were streaming down my face, but hearing his soft, smooth, crooning voice actually filled my heart with love all over again. Sure, I probably had never gotten over it, but all this time, my feelings had been stashed away, and for once, in the solitude of my room, I let them come out. For once I let myself feel what I wanted to feel.
I could tell he had made a few changes to the songs. I knew most of them, but four of them were new. They had a simple arrangement and the only music was provided by an acoustic guitar. I had been acting stupid with Ally earlier, but maybe she wasn’t too far off. One of the new songs clearly talked about this room, the two of us together. It even mentioned the
fireplace I was now staring at. Suddenly, I got up from my bed and looked at the envelope, the booklet, looking for a note, a sign…something. Nothing. There was nothing. I started reading the acknowledgements and found my name: “Thanks to Ella Fitzpatrick who agreed to go on a journey with me in order to get this album recorded. Mille grazie.”
That was it? I wasn’t expecting a declaration of love, but something a little…more. What about a note? Where was the romance, Lou? If he loved me, what was he waiting for?
“What did you expect him to say? Hey, by the way, I love you, call me up?” Ally whispered.
“I don’t know what I expected,” I replied, frowning. “A little more romance? A letter, a note?”
“Did you really expect him to get all personal? After you shut him down at Christmas? Come on now!” she rebuffed.
“Hmmm, maybe you’re right.”
“I am right!” she replied, a little too enthusiastically, and then she realized she was being too loud. “Maybe he’ll say whatever he wants to say in person…”
I shot straight up on my yoga mat, no longer pretending I was even trying to follow our instructor. I met Lars’ eyes. He was not happy with us. He had to tell us to keep quiet twice, and was probably now seconds away from telling us to get out.
“Later,” I whispered to Ally giving her a look and resuming my yoga pose.
I never got to know what Ally meant by “he’ll say whatever he wants to say in person.” She got away before I could corner her after class, and never elaborated. Maybe it was something she wasn’t supposed to tell me to begin with.
Maybe not keeping tabs on him was a bad idea. Maybe I should do my own research and start keeping an eye on Lou Rivers before I ended up finding him unannounced on my doorstep.
A few days later, after all of us had listened to the CD, Helga started talking in circles. She was being vague on purpose, I knew it, but all the hints pointed to Lou, of course.
“What is it that you’re trying to tell me, Helga? You’ll have to be a little more specific.” She looked at me with eyes full of worry. “I know you still feel the same about him. Why don’t you tell him? What are you waiting for? I just don’t want to see you lose him.”
“I lost him already. That happened months ago. Whatever I feel for him doesn’t count.”
“It does,” she said, sounding determined to make me listen to what she had to say. She was usually so soft-spoken with everyone, including me, I was a little surprised by her reaction. She sounded frustrated when she added, “I just want to make sure you’re not making a mistake. And it’s not just you, really. If I could talk to Lou right now, I’d tell him he’s made plenty of mistakes. You both did. But it’s not too late.”
She came closer to me and placed her hand on my cheek, looking straight into my eyes.
“What I want to tell you, my child, is that almost anything can be saved, you just have to want it.”
“I’m so scared, Helga,” I replied, my voice just a whisper.
“Alles is zijn prijs waard,” she told me. “Everything is worth its price,” she repeated in English. She gave me a reassuring smile and added, “don’t be scared my darling. It will be worth it.”
CHAPTER 27
“What are you going to do after graduation?” Ally asked.
“I don’t know, I actually haven’t thought about it.” It wasn’t a lie, I really hadn’t made any plans. I had too much going on every single day to even stop and think about what the next step was. The last few months had been ridiculous with school, music, all while still trying to work at the pancake house from time to time and spending any free minute with Lieke. I had even started giving her piano lessons. I hadn’t thought about my future past graduation because my gut told me to stick around, finish what I had started.
“Are you going back home?”
I breathed out a laugh.
“I thought about it. My parents want me to. Eventually, I will. But not right now.” I smiled, thinking about the irony of it all. “Funny thing: they said they are ready to support me no matter what I decide to do with my life. Isn’t it ironic how time changes things?”
“What about Lou?”
“What about him?”
“Aren’t you still in love with him?”
“What does that have to do with anything? Do we have to go through the same conversation every couple of months?”
“I know you still love him,” she said, sounding bitter.
“Are you ever going to call him up?”
“I can’t.” Right now. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. My eyes were just fixed on the ground. Thoughts of Lou flooded my mind instantly. That happened pretty much anytime anyone made mention of him. If I closed my eyes, I could even imagine his soft lips on mine.
The loud slap and sharp pain at the back of my head brought me back to reality. I turned around and Ally was standing right behind me, hand raised mid-air. I looked at her in disbelief. It took me a moment to be able to say anything. What the hell was going on with her?
“Did you just slap me?”
She looked mad, really mad. I had never seen her like that.
“God, after Christmas I hoped I had gotten some sense into you, but good grief, you’re stubborn.”
“What the hell has gotten into you? Have you lost your mind?”
“How many times are you going to keep saying the same lie to yourself? How many times does he need to prove he cares about you?”
“What is up with you taking his case now? Are you his attorney? He’s a big boy, he can defend himself. I don’t even understand why I have to explain myself to you. You know how it all went down. We went separate ways and that’s the end of it. Yes, I fucking love him, but that doesn’t change anything, okay?” I yelled, my voice gradually less steady.
She was breathing heavily. Her eyes softened, as if she realized she was being too harsh with me.
“Look, you’re young now and I know how it feels. You think you know everything and you are one hundred percent sure you’re doing the right thing, but one day you’ll wake up and it will be too late and you’ll realize how wrong and stupid you were. I just don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did,” she trailed off. It looked like she regretted saying too much. I frowned, confused by her reaction and her confession. She had never mentioned anything about her past. I couldn’t even get to tell me how she ended up here. I had no idea what had happened to her to make her talk like that.
“What happened to you?” I asked her. She just gave me a shrug, and looked away, the sigh she let out was full of every word she wasn’t going to say. “Ally,” I looked up at the sky and tried to clear my head. I let out a breath and met her eyes again. “I swear, I’m not trying to be stubborn. Not on purpose, anyway. How can I say this? I don’t want to go back home. Not until I get things done anyway. Everything is moving smoothly, you know that.”
She pursed her lips and gave me a nod.
“What would be the point of leaving right after graduation? You know what I have at stake. Yes, I love him. Do you know how hard it is to try not think about him? Do you know how hard it is to try not to think about what he’s doing? Worrying that it’ll be too late when I can finally pick up the phone, or get on a plane, and tell him how I haven’t stopped thinking about him since the day we said goodbye?” I cried as my voice grew weaker, and tears started brimming in my eyes.
“I know,” she said calmly.
“Believe me, I know how stupid this sounds, but here it is: I want to go home a winner. I hate the word winner with a passion, but the thing is, I don’t want to go back home half-assing anything. I’m on the right track, I can feel it. If I turn around now and go home, it will all be in vain. I would have to start all over again. I just have to be patient, and I need you to believe in me. And God, I hope he loves me enough to wait for me. I hope he has enough sense to do that.”
“Well then…do what you have to do. But if you don’t give him something, anything, th
at will tell him you’re still his, there’s no guarantee. He’s a smart guy and all…but you know how men are,” she said laconically.
I nodded and gave her a smile.
“This was our first fight,” I mused, drying my tears, giving her a small smile. “Let’s not do this again.”
“It was awful. I’m sorry.” She closed the distance between us and hugged me tight. We both sobbed in each other’s arms. From the corner of my eye, I saw a few people walking by, staring at us, probably thinking it was a lovers’ quarrel. Oh, go on, I wanted to tell them. This was Amsterdam, we were the most normal out of the bunch of freaks who lived here.
“Please tell me you guys are going to kiss,” a man’s voice behind me said. I would have turned and punched him instantly if I didn’t know whom the voice belonged to.
“Shut up!” we both yelled, turning in his direction.
Hendrick was standing a few feet away from us, arms folded, grinning like a fool. A fool who was really enjoying the show.
He had gotten back from London a few months earlier, and after I showed him what I had written so far, he was eager to work with me. That made me happy, because I could use all the help I could get. Especially from someone like him, who had more knowledge than me when it came to indie-electro pop.
“Oh, come on! That was so hot…the fire…the intensity…I might need a moment,” he said with a smug smile, his English tinted with his heavy Dutch accent. “Then again, you might want to move your hair out of the way. I could hardly see anything with the bushy hair you both have!”
“Charming,” Ally replied, giving him a look.
“I’m serious,” he continued, “you could actually be kissing, and I would have no way of knowing.” The smirk on his face was annoying and still, I couldn’t help but laugh. He was being ridiculous, but I kind of loved that about him.
“Do you want me to kick his ass?” I asked Ally.
“It’s a waste of your time,” she replied with a smile. “I’ll let you guys do what you have to. Make him pay for it,” she said, looking at me and raising both her eyebrows. She gave me a kiss on the cheek, saying goodbye.
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