“Thank you for giving me back my life,” he whispered, setting her down gently as he touched his forehead to hers.
* * *
Sela was surprised when her father took her hand and led her into the gazebo as soon as the excitement died down.
“I just wanted to have a little private time with you,” he said, gesturing to the spot beside him on the rattan loveseat.
Apprehensive about what he might say or do to ruin her moment of happiness, she hesitated. “If you’re going to try to talk me out of marrying Jaxon, you’re wasting your breath, Daddy. I love him—”
“I’m not.” He reached for her hand. “Please, just trust me.”
Trust. It wasn’t a word she normally associated with her father. He’d never been the first person she thought to call when she was in trouble because he was always too busy with work to come to her rescue. Even when she’d been a stupid kid who drank too much at a party, she’d hitched a ride with a friend’s parents instead of calling her own.
They sat in silence for a minute before he sighed, cutting into the quiet like a knife. “I know we’ve never been… close.”
The word seemed to pain him, but Sela wondered if that was just wishful thinking on her part. Her hands traveled to the wide gold band decorating her father’s tanned hand. Her parents hadn’t been a good example of marriage. She had always thought that they’d only stayed together because getting divorced would be too messy and expensive. She didn’t want her marriage to be like that. At the end of their lives, she wanted to be as in love with Jaxon as she was today.
“That’s not the way I wanted it. I was like every other little girl. I wanted my daddy to be proud of me. I spent half my life trying to make you proud.” She cleared her throat, trying to push the words past the pain. “It wasn’t until I grew up that I realized the only person I could please was myself.”
“You pleased me too,” he said, reaching for her hand. “Whether or not that was your intent, you did.”
Sela looked at his hand covering hers. Other than a perfunctory peck to thank her for a gift, her father had never reached out to her. She wanted to tell him it was too late to mend their broken fences, but she wasn’t ready to give up hope that they could have a relationship. He was still her father. She loved him, in spite of the voice in her head that told her her affection was wasted on him.
“I watched some of my friends and associates struggle with their troubled teens. Those kids came from good families. They had every advantage, no excuse to wander down the wrong path, yet they did,” Gordon said.
“Why are you telling me this?” Her father never told a story unless there was a point. He didn’t believe in small talk.
“I always thought how lucky I was that my girls never got into that kind of trouble.” He squeezed her hand. “You always had a good head on your shoulders. No drugs, alcohol, unplanned pregnancies. You always made the dean’s list.”
Sela didn’t know why her father was rehashing the past. She owned her accomplishments; they weren’t his to boast about. “That was a lifetime ago. Why bring it up now?”
“Your sister was always the free spirit,” he said with a smirk, as though there was nothing she could say or do to silence him. “But you were the good girl. The smart one. I knew you were going places.”
“I’ve carved my own path.” She watched his thumb rub the back of her hand. “I’m happy and excited about the future. I wouldn’t have felt that way if I’d pursued law.”
He perched his sunglasses on top of his head so she could see his eyes. “I know that now. Your life wasn’t mine to live. You have every right to make your own choices, and for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. I’m happy that you stood up to us, and pursued something you love.”
Her breath got trapped in her throat as she stared into his glistening eyes. Who was this man, and what he done with her arrogant, opinionated, ornery father?
He chuckled as though he could read her thoughts. “I know it’s hard to believe an old dog like me can change, but I have.” He shrugged. “Maybe because I realize I’m not invincible. Just like everyone else, the day will come when I have to answer to my Maker.”
Trepidation washed over her. In spite of their differences, she wasn’t ready to lose her father. “Are you sick? Is that why you’re telling me this now?”
“No,” he said, smiling as he patted her hand. “I’m fine. Your mother’s fine. It’s just that today is a big day for you, a turning point, and I want you to know that I approve of the direction your life is taking.”
She bit back the urge to tell him she didn’t need his approval, but he was trying to extend an olive branch, and she didn’t have the heart to snap it. “You approve? Does that mean you approve of me and Jaxon as well?” When his eyes shifted to the crowd around the pool, she said, “Because he’s going to be my husband whether you like it or not. If you want to have a relationship with me, I suggest you figure out a way to accept him.” She was giving him an ultimatum, but instead of feeling empowered, she felt vulnerable. She didn’t want to lose her family, but she couldn’t lose Jaxon.
He met her eyes. “He and I talked earlier. I think I understand him a little better than I did before.”
“Does that mean we have your blessing?”
Gordon chuckled. “Funny, you’re the second person who’s asked me that today.”
Sela was stunned to learn Jaxon had reached out to her father before he’d proposed to her. She’d never pegged him for a traditional guy, but obviously he thought that eating a little crow was a small price to pay if it meant he could help heal her relationship with her parents. God, she loved that man. “Jaxon asked for your blessing?”
“He did.” Gordon nodded. “I thought that took a lot of guts. I didn’t know he had it in him.”
Sela bristled. “You don’t know him then. He’s a strong, courageous man who never backs down from a challenge. He’s been through hell and never had anyone to support him until now. I’m going to be his rock, just like he’ll be mine.” She was telling her father Jaxon was the only one she needed in her corner, but she hoped he would realize there would always be room for him too.
Gordon smiled. “That’s the best portrayal of marriage I’ve heard in a long time.”
She couldn’t be certain he wasn’t patronizing her, so she opted to give him the benefit of the doubt. “I’m not entering into this lightly. I’ve considered what life with Jax would be like, and I’ve experienced life without him. I don’t want to live without him. It’s as simple as that. I can help him wrestle his demons. I can live with his little idiosyncrasies. I just want to be his wife.”
“So long as you realize you can’t change him. If he’s serious about changing, that’s his job, not yours.”
“Then you think he is capable of changing?”
“I think he already has,” Gordon said, his eyes traveling to Jaxon, who was lounging by the pool chatting with Chad. “He’s not the same man you brought home a couple of years ago. He’s different, more mature. I think losing you changed him.”
Sela had never expected to hear her father admit Jaxon was capable of change. Once he’d deemed someone unworthy, Gordon rarely changed his mind. “I think so too.”
Gordon’s eyes traveled to the large diamond sparkling on her left hand. “Almost losing you changed me too.”
She leaned into his shoulder. “I’ll always be your daughter, no matter what happens. But the kind of relationship we have now is up to you.”
He gently pushed her sunglasses up on her head so he could see her eyes. “Since you seem so sure your fiancé is capable of chance, maybe you could give your old man the same chance?”
“You want to prove to me that you’ve changed?” Sela was shocked. She’d never expected to hear her father admit he needed to change.
“Yes.” He kissed her forehead. “I know you’re all grown up now and you don’t need your daddy to fight your battles for you, but the way I see it, you ca
n never have too many people who love and support you.”
“So that means you’re willing to support my marriage?” She needed to hear him say those words before she could agree to give their relationship another chance.
“I’m willing to support whatever choices you make.” His lips twisted as though he was wrestling with some inner turmoil. “And I think…” He sighed, a body-wracking sound that sounded too dramatic. “He might actually be good for you.”
Sela grinned. “He brings out the best in me. He makes me stronger. You’ll see.”
“As long as he encourages you to practice forgiveness, especially where your hard-headed old man is concerned, he’s okay in my books.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” She leaned in to kiss his cheek. “Thank you.”
Chapter Eighteen
Jaxon stared at his reflection in the full-length mirror and adjusted his tie. It was their wedding day. Six months had passed since he’d proposed to Sela, and while he would have been happy eloping to Vegas, she wanted their wedding to be memorable, and he wanted to give her anything and everything she wanted.
Dylan walked up behind him and slapped him on the back. It had been nearly impossible for Jaxon to choose a best man since all of his partners were like brothers to him, but in the end, Dylan had gotten the nod.
“Are you nervous?” Dylan asked, chuckling.
“Nervous?” He grinned at his friend’s reflection. “No, I’m anxious. Excited. I can’t wait to make her my wife.”
Dylan’s smile slipped as he turned away from the mirror. “I’m happy for you, man. Seriously, you and Sela deserve this.”
“How are things going with Sabrina?” Jaxon turned toward his friend and slipped his hands in his pockets. “Are you making any headway?”
Dylan perched his big body on the edge of the couch. “I told you I’ve given up on that. It’s not gonna happen for us. I’ve resigned myself to that and moved on.”
Jaxon knew moving on meant a different woman every night to fill the void, but he could tell by the vacant look in his partner’s eyes that the void was getting bigger by the day. Dylan was in love with Sabrina. No other woman could take her place.
“Don’t be so quick to give up, buddy,” Jaxon said, gripping Dylan’s shoulder. “Who thought me and Sela would end up here?”
“I knew you would,” Dylan said, looking at the floor. “You loved her. She loved you. It was only a matter of time before y’all worked it out. The difference is Sabrina doesn’t love me. She never has, never will.”
Jaxon knew the hell he’d been through, though he’d never questioned Sela’s feelings for him. He couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to try to persevere without hope. Before he could tell his friend to keep the faith, his cell phone rang. Jaxon saw the number for the nursing home flash across his screen. His mother hadn’t been well enough to attend the wedding. She’d developed pneumonia days before, and the doctor had prescribed bed rest and antibiotics. The nursing staff knew it was his wedding day and the ceremony was due to start in twenty minutes. They wouldn’t be calling unless it was urgent.
“Hello?”
“Jaxon.”
He recognized Violet’s voice. She was a sweet woman just shy of retirement who loved to bake and crochet. Pictures of her children and grandchildren cluttered her desk, and she was always smiling. She was the kind of mother he’d always wished he had.
“Violet, what is it, what’s wrong?”
“Oh, honey.” She sighed. “I know today is your big day. I just hate to do this to you, but the administrator insisted I call you right away.”
Jaxon sank down on a chair, knowing the news wouldn’t be good.
“It’s your mama. She passed away.”
“No.” Jaxon closed his eyes and bowed his head. She hadn’t been with them for a long time, but knowing that her body had finally left the earth left an ache in his chest he hadn’t expected. She was his only family, and now she was gone too. He had no one. No, that wasn’t true. He had Sela, and they would have their own family someday. “I’ll be right there. I’m ten minutes away.”
“Jaxon, there’s nothing you can do. The coroner will be here soon, and they’ll take her—”
“Don’t let them take her anywhere until I get there.” He couldn’t explain why it was so important he see her one last time. He just knew he had to.
“Jax, what it is, man?” Dylan asked as soon as Jaxon hung up.
“My mother passed away.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to let the words filter through to his brain. She was gone. It just didn’t seem possible.
“Oh God.” Dylan paled behind tan. “I’m sorry. Let me get Sela. If you’re going, she’ll want to go with you.”
Jaxon held up his hand. “No, I need to go alone.” He reached for the door handle.
“You can’t walk out on her on your wedding day with no explanation. That’s not right.”
No, it wasn’t right. None of it felt right. “Tell her I’m sorry.”
“You tell her you’re sorry,” Dylan snapped. “Tell her you’re sorry you’re pushing her away again, that you won’t let her be there for you when you need her most.”
Jaxon slipped out a back door to avoid the wedding guests. He didn’t want to answer any questions. He didn’t want to see the look on Sela’s face when she realized he wouldn’t be there to exchange their vows. He knew he was a coward. There was no way he could get the words out. He couldn’t talk about the future when his mind was trapped in the past.
The staff at the nursing home could only allow him a few minutes with his mother. They said the coroner was on his way. Taking a deep breath, Jaxon slipped into her room. He had no idea what to say or why he was even there. It was too late to make peace. It had been for a long time.
Sitting on a chair a few feet from her bed, he said, “I’m here, Mama. I know it’s too late, but I’m here.” Fisting his hand near his mouth, he tried to keep his emotions in check. “This beautiful woman taught me the meaning of love and forgiveness. She should never have been able to forgive me for the things I said to her, the way I hurt her, but she did. I guess that’s why I’m here, to tell you I forgive you too.”
Looking at the ceiling, he wondered if his mother’s spirit lingered in the room, watching and listening to his every word. He hoped so. “I forgive you, and I forgive Dad for leaving us. I know he was sick. Maybe you were too, I don’t know. Hell, I think I was. But my therapist had helped me a lot. Of course, I had the means to afford help. I know you didn’t. At least not while I was growing up. I don’t know much about your childhood. You never talked about it. Maybe there was a reason for that. Maybe you had emotional scars too that kept you from loving the way everyone wants to: deeply, completely, without fear.”
Looking out the window, he spotted Fred on a bench. He wondered if the old man had heard of his mother’s passing. He may be one of the few people who would mourn her or even notice she was gone. That made Jaxon feel a certain kinship with the stranger.
“I know you were lonely.” He sighed, a body-wracking sound that wafted through the heavy silence. “Even before you got sick, you were lonely. I should have tried harder to connect with you. Maybe invited you to a therapy session, tried to talk through our issues while we still had the chance. I’m sorry I didn’t.” He never expected he’d apologize to his mother, but it felt good. It felt right. He was tired of living with anger and resentment. It was time to let go. “I guess that’s all I came to say, Mama.” He stood and gently kissed her forehead. “Rest in peace.”
Jaxon nodded to Violet as he passed the nurses’ desk, letting her know he’d had the time he needed. Before he could go back to the church and beg his bride’s forgiveness, he felt compelled to see Fred. He didn’t understand why. Seeing Sela should be the only thing on his mind. A quick glance at his watch told him the ceremony should be underway. His gut clenched. He wondered if walking out on their wedding day was a sin too big for even Sela to forgi
ve.
“You’re here,” Fred said, his thin lips pulled into a tight line. “I didn’t know if you’d come.”
Jaxon sat beside him. “I had to. I had some things to say.”
“I understand,” Fred said, gripping his cane tighter. “When my boy died, I went to the funeral home before the service and talked to him for a long time. I knew his body had left us, but I wanted to believe his spirit was there. I told him things I’d never had the courage to say face-to-face. It felt good, cathartic.”
Jaxon would have described his brief time with his mother the same way.
Fred reached into the pocket of his light cotton jacket and pulled out an unmarked envelope. “Your mama gave this to me.” He turned it over in his hand. “It’s for you. She made me promise I wouldn’t give it to you until she’d departed. After I met you, I wrestled with that decision. I didn’t know if it was right withholding it.”
“I don’t understand.” Jaxon frowned as he accepted the envelope. “When did she write this?”
“I think even before she came here.” Fred looked at the crinkled envelope. “She still had some good days those first few months. We became friends. She trusted me with this after a month or two, asked that I made sure you got it after she passed. I laughed at the time, told her she’d probably outlive me. She said she didn’t think that would happen.”
Jaxon felt a chill knowing his mother had been anticipating death, perhaps even looking forward to it.
“Crazy when you think of it.” Fred shook his head. “I’m older than her. I should’ve been the one to go first.” He looked at Jaxon. “’Course, then I wouldn’t have been able to tell you this… your mama loved you, son. I know she had a hard time showing you, but she loved you. Don’t ever doubt that.”
Jaxon thought about what Fred had said about his mother having some good days when she first came to the home. “Did she tell you that?”
He chuckled. “Like I told you before, she couldn’t stop bragging about you. Made it sound like you could walk on water.”
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